Tag Archive: Predictions

Despite their high moral stance in demanding a public apology from Janet Jackson, for her part in last year’s Super Bowl half-time incident, the same network books Brittany Spears, Shania Twain, Maddona and Dolly Parton for the upcoming Super Bowl’s halftime show.  Nielson ratings, and half-time commercial sales explode off of any known scale as everyone in the world gathers around the “boob” tube for the 2005 Super Bowl. In a related story, tear away football jerseys become the fashion rage in ladies sleepwear.

Too poorly funded to properly arm a serious peacekeeping mission, Paul Martin borrows from Canada’s violent reputation on the ice and arms our soldiers with hockey sticks.

A looming nursing crisis is averted when Immigration Canada announces that it will replace candy stripers with candy strippers from Eastern Europe. In a related story, the Minister of Immigration is “stripped” of her portfolio as a result of the “exposure” of several improprieties within her office.

A new federal minority rights bill is passed that orders all high level civil servants and policy makers to become both bilingual and bisexual in response to growing demands from taxpayers that they go — sexually gratify (?) themselves.

Although honored to have had so many Western electoral specialists flock over to assist them at their polling stations, on further review of the outcomes of elections in those same countries, Ukraine announces that they will actually be billing those experts for the privilege of “learning” how Ukrainian elections are conducted.  Largely on the basis of money made on this enterprise Ukraine becomes an economic powerhouse on the global front.

The popularity of the 6 Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) shows currently aired during television primetime has network executives concerned that there is a shortage of cities in the USA to handle future spin-offs.  In a landmark decision, America agrees to honor Kyoto if the rest of the world promises to offer up their cities when network TV runs out of CSI locations.

In an effort to improve relations with our U.S. neighbors while, at the same time, getting every “scrap” of information they can on the finances of Canadian taxpayers, Revenue Canada sets up a junk yard in West Virginia.

CIBC stock prices plummet to the point that they are removed from Toronto Stock Exchange Listings and placed on the Telemarketing No Call Listings.  In a related story, Sealy Posterpedic mattress stocks skyrocket.

Not to be outdone by the owners of Canada’s national sport, the owners of Canada are talking about locking out federal politicians who, after voting themselves a 10% pay hike (on the heels of a 45% increase just 3 years earlier), also remain unchecked without a salary cap.

In response to last year’s vicious attack from behind that leaves one player (the victim)  with a broken neck and another (his assailant) with slap on the wrist, the NHL adds a new penalty to their rule book, “2 months for Same Sex Coupling.

Confirming suspicions that prison doesn’t rehabilitate so much as it refines criminal behavior, a new wave of “ultra white” collar crime is hitting the streets.  This “re-organized” crime wave has been tracked back to the prison where Martha Stewart Inc. is currently “serving” time.  Authorities suspect that someone there is selling her cell-mates a new way of “cooking” the books.  In a related story,  Enron, World.Com and Nortel executives are lining up (with Conrad Black) to enroll for a brief sabbatical at the now “well appointed” prison that is being referred to by “insiders” as Martha Stewart U.

NAFTA & the World Trade Organization rule that Canada must join the American Star Wars initiative on the grounds that Canadians have already taken the 1^st steps to the weaponization of space via  “skyrocketing” costs associated with their Gun Registry and the maintenance of their submarines and helicopters.

That annoying tool guy dude who keeps popping up at the neighbor’s in Canadian Tire commercials edges out Don Cherry to win CBC’s latest interactive TV poll, “The Most Annoying Canadian.”

Geekly, Whojamaflick McLoser, the made for television Canadian Idol’s face will no longer haunt our televisions, grocery checkouts and every other media supplement imaginable.   On a better note, the music industry claims they are winning their war against internet pirates based on the fact that not one of Whojamaflick’s songs were illegally downloaded on the net.

Americans open their borders to Canadian beef, when Paul Martin convinces Little George Bush that you are what you eat, and if you don’t eat beef, you have a higher likelihood of becoming chicken.  Hey, do you want American soldiers to be chicken or mad when they face their your enemies?

Gasoline is finally unmasked for what it is – the root of all evil, while Alcohol officially replaces gasoline as our main source of energy.  I say officially because, since the beginning of time, alcohol has always been behind progress.  Rum rations led to England’s supremacy at sea.  Most of the world’s greatest Philosophers through the ages were known to be frequently pissed.  Dad and I (and I’d wager a lot of father/son combos) have more than once solved all of the world’s problems over a couple bottles of good whisky.  Maybe Ontario was right when they dubbed their Liquor Stores “essential services” during our great North-Eastern Blackout.

In one of the shrewdest corporate partnerships since Microsoft bundled their operating systems with IBM, provinces decide to sell alcohol out of Gas stations.  With the accelerated rise in prices at the pump provincial authorities decide that motorists would have to be drunk to pay those prices. More importantly, they feel that if they massage their liquor price hikes into those at the pumps, who’ll notice.

The “Big Apple” becomes better known as the “Big NAFTArine” when New York syphons off all of the Ontario’s electricity surplus that has accrued, not from new power stations or improvements in existing operations, but from the sweat (in the summertime) of the Ontario power consumer.

Winter ushers in record sales for long underwear in Ontario.

Canada becomes a Third World Country (defined as any country whose natural resources and public utilities are wholly owned by offshore interests).  Fresh on the heels of the Great Blackout of 2003, no-one thinks to question deregulation (and other slick legislation that sneaks in during its aftermath) as the remaining provinces of Canada follow the Ontario model and deregulate their utilities.

Parliament votes in favor of same sex marriage by a landslide.  Not so much a prediction as it is a done deal. Think about it. One third of all marriages end in divorce.  Divorce cases represent a healthy chunk of the profits reported by most law firms.  A majority of our parliamentarians are lawyers by trade.   When asked for the single most irreconcilable difference warranting divorce, plaintiffs are most apt to reply, “because he’s an asshole.”  You make the connections.

When both bombs and police fail to stamp out crime in Iraq, the west unveils it’s last resort, the doomsday device of democracy… the Internal Revenue Service is flown in and Iraq takes its place in the alliance of willing.

Two weeks prior to the American’s 2004 elections, Airforce One makes another top secret flight from the Bush ranch, this time to whisk George Bush the Smaller into Afghanistan for a photo-op to bolster the troops (and his own sagging chances at re-election).  On the return trip, Osama Bin Laden suddenly appears, as if from nowhere, to hi-jack the flight.  Having subdued all of the soldiers and secret security agents all seems lost until George steps out of the cockpit and single-handedly overcomes the strangely sedate Bin Laden.  Boy George subsequently wins the election by a landslide.

PM Paul Martin makes a gallant attempt to get the country into ship shape when he starts operating Federal Government Offices under a Panamanian flag, fires all civil servants and replaces them with illegal aliens.

A small battle is won against the spiraling ethics of Big Media when they agree to rename their news programs (and papers), “The Rumours” instead of the “The News.”  This action is in response to the public’s growing concern that over 70% of most news broadcasts/stories are actually expert analysts competing to out-sensationalize each other by telling us what they think “might” happen “if” something occurs.

The U.S. Government surprises experts when they bypass monkeys, pilots and rocket-scientists in favor of an IRS accountant for their first manned mission to Mars.  As a further departure form the norm, his mission is not to find life on Mars but to squeeze whatever life he can out of the billion dollar batteries that preceded him in an effort to get some value for money.  In a related story, the sagging American airline industry gets a boost when thousands of aerospace engineers and CEO’s book flights to various non-extraditable ports of call.

Germany is absolved of all responsibility and liability for the Holocaust, World War II and any and all associated crimes against humanity on the grounds that Adolph Hitler was actually born in Austria.  They immediately file a lawsuit against the U.S. for damages; however, the Americans counter that, although they still don’t agree that mad cows have anything to do with mad men, they feel that Adolph’s dad’s name (Alois) started with the same two letters as Alberta; therefore, it is only logical that Canada should pay the damages.

Banks and most major retailers report record profits despite a sudden downturn in the economy; however, their celebration is short lived when consumers levy and win a class action lawsuit on the grounds that, like Big Tobacco before them, both were guilty of fraudulently aiding and abetting the general public’s addiction to spending above and beyond their means.

The Canadian dollar surprises everyone when it rebounds to a point where it is once again accepted at par to Canadian Tire money.

World Wrestling Federation promoter, Vince McMahon, sues the U.S. Government for stealing the WWF’s patented strategy of calling upon good guys to become bad guys and bad guys to become good.  White House Lawyers defend themselves on the grounds that it cannot be the same thing when the WWF uses this strategy to capture the public’s attention, while the American Government prefers to use it in order to divert the public’s attention. “Besides,” they claim, “we have been using this approach to further our foreign policy long before the WWF came into being.

Flashforward:  Based on the old adage, “if you can’t beat em – join em,” McMahon forms a partnership with the White House.  In return for recruiting new good guys who are willing to turn bad on demand for the state department, he is given unlimited rights to market action figurines of all past, present and future players in the game of U.S. foreign policy.

Canadian Boot Camps evolve to Stomach Cramps.  Suddenly Canadian soldiers find they are spending more time snaking along on their bellies as opposed to marching.  When asked for an explanation, our Minister of Defense responds that throughout the annals of history it has been recognized that great armies have always marched on their stomachs;  therefore, these new steps have nothing to do with the cost or the state of our army’s footwear.

Though still nowhere near the biggest or best equipped army in the free world, Canada takes a “baby step” towards military legitimacy when it commissions Procter & Gamble to construct the world’s biggest diapers for it’s 2^nd hand submarine fleet.

The United Nations (on the advice of the Americans) levy an ultimatum on Canada.  Their message,  “Let our inspectors in to confirm you are not, in fact, stockpiling boots of “fast guy traction” or face the mother of all bombings.  This on the “heels” of our government’s reluctance to “boot” all suspected terrorist organizations and their affiliates out of the country on the grounds that our army is shoeless. Asked if this was nothing more than a face saving exercise for the U.S. whose alternative would have been to attack Iraq and face the heat of criticism for not also attacking a much more dangerous enemy in North Korea; or, more poignantly, as a response to what was said by certain Canadian officials about the American president’s intelligence quotient, a White House spokesperson indicated that it was mor_e on the lines of the proximity of Canada as a clear and present danger.

Flash:  Canada (perhaps in the knowledge that the inspector’s are bound to find the palatial walk in closets that were constructed in the Prime Minister’s residence by his equally diabolical predecessor for stockpiles of this kind), calls their bluff and declares war on the Americans first.  Military analysts claim it is likely related to a growing belief among Canadians that our soldiers are less likely to be bombed by the Americans if they are their enemy.

Outcome:  The Americans make a major strategic blunder when they concentrate all of their effort on bombing the electric power stations in the industrial heartland of Ontario in hopes of bringing Canada to its knees.  What they hadn’t counted on was the fact the since the Ontario Government’s deregulation of Ontario Hydro in 2002, there was nothing their bombs could do that would screw conditions up more than we had already become accustomed to.  Furthermore, that deregulation had led to massive sales of our electricity to the US, and by destroying Ontario’s Hydro stations, the Americans quickly dealt a crippling blow to their own effort.  This, coupled with the fact that, with one of the greatest military maneuvers of all time, a fleet of Canadian submarines (remember them?) turned their giant diapers inside out, saturated them with shit and floated undetected up the Hudson River to capture New York City.  The Americans were forced to sue for peace on our terms.

American scientists invent a cure for the common cold. In an unprecedented show of inter-national good faith (usually accorded only to third world countries oozing with raw materials), they give the drug to their Canadian neighbors to the north for it’s first ever round of mass inoculations.  Two weeks later there are no reports of colds anywhere in Canada. Celebrations are, however, cut short when the entire population of Canada contracts and dies from a new mystery virus dubbed the Coincidence-i-think-not-cia epidemic.

Nature rebounds as an extraordinary number of animals on the brink of extinction make unprecedented recoveries. Environmentalists attribute this phenomena to the recent rash of deaths in epidemic proportions among hunters, fishermen and lumberjacks from what has been coined the “DetroIT Syndrome”.  Most died of starvation and/or drowning as the electrical in their off-road vehicles shorted out while crossing streams.  Without electricity they were unable to open their windows or doors.

The U.S. Dollar bounces back with a vengeance to record high exchange rates thanks to the introduction of Eurodollar, or more accurately the Euro 2 Dollar coin.  That’s right, not learning from a similar Canadian experiment gone bad, the European Market learns that, psychologically (and therefore economically) speaking, loose change is not accorded the same esteem as it’s paper predecessor (i.e. it’s not considered to be worth the paper it’s not printed on).

After many failed attempts at peace on earth, North America’s musicians finally end suffering on the planet by “not singing”.

Leonardo di Caprio and Tom Cruise are ordered onto steroids and ponytails are outlawed on all male action heroes in Hollywood after the US Secretary of Interior Defense discovers an undeniable correlation between the rise in terrorism and other Third World Anti-American activity and the loss of  John Wayne and the relative demise of  Eastwood, Bronson, Stallone and Schwarzenegger as box office stars.

On merit of it’s successful handling of the Mad Cow scare, the department of Agriculture takes over the fight against Anthrax (another epidemic of bovine origin) from the Office of Homeland Security. They immediately round up anyone who has visited Florida and/or the Senate and slaughter them; thereby, solving not only the Anthrax problem but also the rising costs of pension contributions in support of the rising numbers of senior citizens.

Without an army to send to war or an arms industry to profit from someone else’s war, Japan becomes the first industrial nation to collapse as a result of the Global recession.