Tag Archive: Predictions

Future Flotscrum Year End Reviews will be much shorter since I have assigned most of my voices to fact check Google’s claim that its Willow chip came up with the right answer for a problem that they claim would take today’s fastest super computers 10 septillion years to solve.

America’s Big Giant Chip Off the Orange Blockchain-in-Chief will bankrupt North America 5 minutes before he wakes up to his first day as president (proving he is indeed artificially intelligent and way smarter than Google’s Willow chip).

America’s Misogynist-in-Chief will pardon P. Diddy and appoint him as the new Republican Party Leader. All of his other cabinet appointees express admiration (if not P. Diddy envy) and cannot wait for him to organize their party.

The first Executive Order out of America’s Everyman-in-Chief will direct grocery stores to put their apples in a refrigerator. Many more like it follow as MAGA nation quickly realizes that their Dear Leader will make everything (especially prices) great again so long as their reality is exactly what he (and his billionaire buddies) think their reality must be like.

America’s Global Dumpster Fire-in-Chief will replace all his country’s ambassadors abroad with WWE wrestlers and instructs them to, “just use your words” to avoid any real conflict.

An obscure movie called Idiocracy will jump genre from comedy to prophetic documentary after America’s Reality Show Mandarin (another shade of orange)-in-Chief unleashes his caste of clowns to spin off a reality show sequel entitled, Clockweirdocracy Orange.

Russian, Iranian, and all other state sanctions collapse when America’s Shady Shyster-in-Chief swings the crypto backdoor open to bad actors everywhere.

Shortly after American Campus protesters recover from having shot themselves (and the world) in the foot over the incumbent Democratic Party’s inability to call the Don’s buddy in arms to heel, they are all shot in the legs while attending their first new righteous (but not far enough to the right) “fill in the blank” protest.  Although they and their right to protest will not die, everyone now understands that any protest out of step with their Profiteer-in-Chief’s new line will not have a leg to stand on.

Following last year’s swarm of stories about beekeepers becoming the only people in the major league fields of sport who are not afraid of bugs, there will be a lot of buzz about beekeeping supplanting cricket (a not so exciting bug) on the leader-board for potential new Olympic events.

World leaders will abdicate any attempt to “think” of a climate solution and ask artificial intelligence to come up with an answer.  All electricity is immediately redirected to the cloud, and everyone everywhere doesn’t know what to do (or think) as every country is made great again by their sudden need to live off the land (or whatever is left of it).

Artificial Intelligence stocks will plummet when it loses on an episode of “Are you smarter than a 5^th grader” prompting social media giants to up their game in terms of making 5th graders (and everyone else) dumber.

Chatbot Films will release its first global blockbuster entitled, “The Last Day of Humanity.” The movie will open and close with a message assuring ITs audience that, “no drones, robots, or toasters were harmed in the making of this annihilation movie.”

All fear of Tik Tok and Hua Wei being Chinese threats to national security will magically disappear when they merge with Trump Media & Technology (which was itself a merger of Trump’s struggling Truth Social and: 1) a Shanghai-based firm specializing in listing Chinese companies on American stock markets; and 2) another company based in Wuhan, China).

Following their humiliating defeat in last year’s presidential election the Democrats will vow to Get Smart and pull Admiral Hargrade out of mothballs to run in the 2028 campaign.

America’s-Liar-in-Chief will appoint the bankrupt and recently unemployed Alex Jones as his Proper Candor Czar in charge of keeping all American news media in line with His Majesty’s version of reality.

Not a single fugitive on the FBI’s most wanted list will be apprehended even though incidents of federal crime will have skyrocketed. Experts suspect that it is because all federal law agencies were too busy surveilling, apprehending, and executing everyone and anyone that hadn’t made a good impression (a.k.a. hickey) on J. Edgar Trump’s orange, if not oval, orifice.

Sotheby’s Auction House will shake up the art world again when it auctions off a broken etch-a-sketch with no knobs for $10 million by claiming it is a conceptual art masterpiece entitled, “Blank Slate.”

On the heels (skirts and blouses) of their bad, if not fatal attraction to all things Trump, MAGA nation men will opt to cross-over to dressing like women in an attempt to get American women (who have embraced a burgeoning 4B movement) to sleep with them again. Crime and illegal immigration will also skyrocket as those same men stop at nothing to smuggle foreign women across their borders while, at the same time, skirting new MAGA tariffs in a ballooning black market trade for inflatable sex dolls.

Elon Musk will offer Russian State News free preferred X user status on the condition that Russia allows him to keep his billions when and if it wins its Facebook lawsuit for all the money in the world.

The West casts any non-Russian who plans a trip to Russia into prison without a trial; thereby, giving those persons the illusion of being in Russia while, at the same time, kicking the legs out from under Putin’s foreign policy by eliminating his get out of jail free card for Russian assassins, criminals and cronies.

Indian hospitals will begin performing multiple operations in the same operating room in an attempt to ensure surgeons who might have cut corners to get into and graduate medical school have ample opportunity to copy the actions of their (hopefully) more legitimate colleagues in the theatre.

The fossil fuel industry will unveil their latest advertising campaign expounding upon the virtues of carbon emissions by using smoking hot models dressed in lab coats claiming that according to their scientific studies smoking hot is good and, therefore, climate-change is a non-issue.

American King Donald the Worst will give last year’s vacated Miss USA and Miss Teen USA crowns to his wife and daughter.

The military-industrial complex will act faster than the speed of light to obliterate all present and future attempts to replace the use of their profitable $100,000 anti-(radio shack)drone missiles with $20 lasers.

King Donald “by the Grace of Almighty God” Trump will attain sainthood on strength of his surviving not one but two long shots that miraculously missed their mark over a period of less than one week because he had God’s ear (or vice versa).

Our 2025 “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” award will go to Florida Republicans after they completely abolish their law preventing convicted sex felons from voting. Experts claim this is because they did know who h_E is, and the only time they are not bending over for hi_M (but never in a pizza parlour), they are bending over backwards to appease hi_M.

COPS29 orders that the term “worst of the century” be dropped from the lexicon of all climate event headlines as they deem it to be, at best, redundant and, at worst, a given.

Fossil fuel companies and their political cronies are pissed when by-laws officers from the Borrough of Decorum (yeah, those guys) are hired to police their carbon emissions.

Almost every school kid in America (regardless of grade level) drops out and joins the army to have at least a fighting chance of not getting shot.

Realizing that theme-parks are raking it in on their death defying drops and rollercoasters, Airlines unveil a new in-flight surcharge based on what they call their Barfort scale for air turbulence. It is applied using an algorithm that combines the number of deployed air sickness bags multiplied by the decibel level of applause received after a safe landing.

American weather forecasts become more reliable as their new norm becomes, “Smoky with the absolute probability of a mass shooting. It’ll be raining bullets folks, so don’t forget your Kevlar.”

Prince Edward Island spins last year’s photo of a dead white shark on their beach to advertise their beaches as the safest in the world using the tagline, “Our waters so safe, the sharks are starving to death.”

Republican hawks and warmongers are beside themselves and demand that last year’s winner of the battle of the bombshells must be Cancelled and removed from all libraries and screens everywhere on the grounds that, when it comes to battles, anything pink is, at best, commie and, at worst, transgender and therefore cannot be tolerated. Other Birthers led by Donald Trump, claim Barbie should be disqualified unless she shows them her vagina.

A new global law that forces weapon makers everywhere to cease and desist their production of any weapon that is not bright pink ends war as we know it. Attempts to quash the law in America fail as there is nothing in the 2^nd amendment that says they have the right to bear arms that are painted cool and manly colours. American gun enthusiasts and especially the thugs and homophobes rush to voluntarily surrender their firearms. Those that don’t demand that their state legislators rescind all open carry legislation.

Despite years of constantly foreshadowing his identification as a transgender, the World’s Most Pathetic Walks Like a Duck and Quacks Like a Duck Defendant-in-Chief comes out of his/her/its/their closet and down the escalator in fugly drag to officially announce that he/she/it/they have officially changed her/their name to Donna de Vile. Only his/her/their/its homophobic followers are surprised.

A judge in Georgia finds the Defendant-in-Chief of the Free to Do and Say Whatever He Wants (and his supporting menagerie of clowns) not guilty of racketeering. After hearing a mountain of evidence proving them to clearly unhinged and anything but organized, no sane judge or individual could ever convict him/them on a charge that normally targets organized crime.

Climate Deniers on both sides of the border claim victory over global warming when they disappear Death Valley, California, and Lytton, British Columbia through a combination of roadblocks, stolen sensors, and forced relocation.

Environmentalists find what they think is a new debris field that dwarfs the great south pacific plastics patch.  On closer inspection it turns out to be remnants of all North Korea’s rocket tests and failed satellite launches.

Donald Trump Exercises? Yes indeed. Insiders claim that on the strength of his gains last year from exercising his constitutional right to remain silent (but only in court) to not incriminate himself, Donald Trump wins all court cases against him by exercising his divine (billionaires’) constitutional right to a life of liberty to continue his pursuit of happiness by becoming President for life.

America spirals into complete chaos as, buoyed by the example of their newly elected president and role model, everyone lies about their net worth to become defacto billionaires to claim their constitutional right to lie and their freedom to do whatever makes them happy.

After their latest and most terrifying spate of ongoing internal soul^(?) searching, the U.S. Repugnican Party finally digs up a Speaker of the House that will satisfy all their fractious factions.  All agree, that Achmed the Dead Terrorist is the only candidate they can trust to deliver their main party line. The fact that his state of decay trumps that of all the other decomposing fossils that are likely to form the American body politic in the immediate future just adds grave-y.

Silvio Berlusconi’s heirs make a killing when they auction all his “wrong stuff” for the Louvre off to art connoisseurs of the nouveau rich (if you trust their own evaluations of personal wealth) Make Loos and Man Caves Great Again movement.

Inflation (both economic and obesitomic) disappears when Food and Drug associations around the world step up testing and honest reporting against all claims on processed foods and drugs.  The corresponding deflation of demand for those products leads to fire sale price reductions everywhere and a stronger appetite for real foods.

Drug companies get a hall pass for fraudulent cough syrup claims on the grounds of a certain “no harm no fowl” legal precedent set during some other liar’s high-profile case that trumps all liability for fraud.

Flying high on the success of last year’s disposable shoes for infants, Nike comes up with the brand-new idea of branding new-born babies with their swoosh tattoo. Hospitals don’t question the practice and just do it (perhaps on the grounds it can’t be any worse than a circumcision and unlike circumcisions this procedure is more politically correct because it can be applied to all sexes and religions).

When Florida’s favourite climate denier Gov. Ron d’Atlantis offers refugees from the sinking island of Tuvalu safe haven they take a Hard Pass.

COPS 29 trumpets progress when representatives from every country on the planet (excepting Alberta) unanimously agree there is an “urgent” need to reduce the number of fossil fuel lobbyists attending their Climate Conference… to level of 80% of last years’ delegations by 2050.

On the very eve of American elections, both Donald (It’s Not a Crime if I Don’t Think It’s a Crime) Trump and Joe (I Think It Would Be a Crime if Anyone Younger Than the Pope Occupies the Oval Office) Biden are sent to prison on trumped up charges.  The Pope is appointed Acting President of the Unites States of America until a viable octogenarian alternative can be dug up by either Party.  The Repugnicans were initially opposed to a Catholic President until they realized he also supported abortion.

When Ukraine loses its war after running out of food and ammunition, Russian tanks roll in and mass at the Polish border. When a couple dozen patriotic Polish truckers who were already entrenched there are ordered to maintain their Ukrainian blockade against the Russian threat, they hop into their rigs and run like hell.

Elon Musk wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his complete obliteration of Twitter thereby ridding the world of all the brainless mind-farts contained and trafficked therein.  It marks the end of kneejerk politics, kneejerk conspiracies, and a new Enlightenment for humanity while at the same time resulting in a marked reduction in greenhouse emissions from all those mind-farts and the server farms that supported them.  When asked what he was going to do with the prize money, Elon said, “I didn’t do it for your f@#!ing money! I did it because it was just fundamentally Wrong. Let me reiterate for you emoji heads who cannot spell or read a complete word. Writing, liking, and passing along incomplete mind-farts without context is X.”

All Hollywood movie directors become unemployed and theatre junk food concession sales crash after audiences everywhere cannot find the time to partake in a feature length movie experience that is growing longer with each new release.

YouTube profits soar, usurping the earnings for all Hollywood movies combined, when everyone who wants to Make their Hollywood Movie Experience Great Again tunes into its movie trailers instead.

2023 marks a year free of Russian President Putin’s usual acts of “naked aggression”. Experts say it is because, his body politic (and jowls) have relaxed to the point where he can no longer go shirtless without his population wondering why he is looking so overly well fed while everyone else’s cupboards are bare.

Vladmir Putin announces that although none of his special forces were killed by Ukrainians, their families should brace themselves for a shit ton of closed coffins containing his special army’s unfortunate victims of a special Ukrainian strain of Covid-19.

A new reality show called “Who Wants to be a Russian General” fails horribly, partly because that is what Russian Generals are expected to do, but mostly because they are unable to find a single contestant.  Putin claims a victory of sorts given that at least no-one shot down his idea for the show; however, the show producers’ pitch for a second season “goes out the window.”

Banks everywhere report unprecedented profits after they raise their Money for Nothing banking fees while at the same time reducing the amount of cash per hostage that anyone can withdraw on any given day. The WITHDRAW button on their ATMs is replaced with two new innovative service options: TAKE HOSTAGES; and SET SELF ON FIRE.

Indonesia relegates the United States to (a distant) 2^nd place on the national incarceration rates leader board when the majority of its lustful citizens are willing to risk (or perhaps because they prefer) 1 year in prison over a life sentence in wedlock.

The U.S. Supreme Court passes a new law requiring book publishers and Hollywood Studios to put cloths on all animals (especially mice).

Claiming Hollywood gunfights, beatings, and gore should be adequate to convey emotion on the big screen, the U.S. Supreme Court outlaws the use of cuss words of any kind in movies or on TV.  Mimes rejoice but Samuel L. Jackson kills himself when he realizes he will never work in that town again.

The 2023 Academy Awards slap on some new security measures. Bouncers, armed with animal control catch poles, line the stage just in case any of the artists get off their escort’s leash. Republican members of The Academy boycott the event on the grounds that everyone’s newly mandated Hannibal Lector psycho restraint mask is an affront to their god given right to deliver their best performance when expressing their feelings. Amber Heard walks away with the first ever Award for Best Hissy Fit by a Member of the Audience when she wriggles out of her diaper and shits on her beau’s chair.

Fossil fuel companies and other soulless corporations that are polluting the planet, their shareholders, and the uber rich 1%  that have been profiting from them get with the green energy program after all of the governments everywhere inform them that they will be responsible for insuring and underwriting all of the costs associated with climate change. Some initially balk until their accountants inform them that most if not all of their beach front businesses, homes, and forested country estates have long been deemed uninsurable by Insurance Companies (a.k.a. the Godfathers of Capitalism) and; therefore; will be toast if they don’t have the tax-payers to fall back on.

Rich landowners everywhere (those that cannot afford to rocket off to another world, and/or purchase yachts of biblical (ark sized) proportion, begin to move inland and sell, sell, sell their waterfront property while buy, buy, buying everything that they can find that is 200 feet above sea level with access to a stable source of fresh water (which rules out most of the USA).

The organizers of the Canadian Freedom Convoy and the US Capital Riots are deported to their choice of the Russia or Shanghai, China to live out their lives in an environment where elections don’t matter and their freedom to occupy a neighboring country’s border, shutdown commerce, and overthrow the ruling government will be free of the heavy handed authoritarian tyranny of the Canadian and US authorities.

Forget about blue-chip, a whole new level of stock ratings called “rock-hard” is born when Valentia Energy announces that they have added a new pulse setting on their eCoin bladder control implant that allows the user to combat both erectile disfunction and premature ejaculation. Viagra stocks sag to rock-bottom.

Bar owners (but not their men’s rooms) are awash with a tsunami of rock-hard beer sales when everyone discovers that the e-coin can also reduce trips to the urinal after that first couple beers.

A freedom convoy of autonomous smart cars from all over Europe converged on the city of Utrecht in the Netherlands on news of last year’s unconstitutional lockdown of a 4-yr old’s car keys.

The U.S. Securities Commission tracks last year’s unusual spike in  purchases of Baby Formula Company stocks back to Donald Trump and five other of Republican Supreme Court Justices.  They are found guilty of insider trading, influence peddling, and milking women’s rights for profit.  They are sentenced to breast pumps for life.

The NRA goes bankrupt when its members are asked to foot the bill for all the helpful school safety ideas they have put forward in lieu of making it harder for lunatics to purchase firearms that fire 3 rounds per second (that’s 60 times faster than the Brown Bess musket that fired 3 rounds per minute back in 1791 when the 2^nd Amendment was framed).

The end of populism and voting for the prettiest candidate when Canadians, tired of waiting for election reforms, elect to cast their votes for the least liked candidate who is likely to have the fewest (and preferably zero) friends.  Suddenly, for the first time in the recorded (and secret) history of parliamentary politics, cronyism is nowhere to found and only the tax payers profit.

The US Supreme Court outlaws Islam, Christianity and any other faith that does not specifically worship Donald J. Trump as its supremely intelligent godhead.

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau responds to his Liberal Party’s attempt to keep his flashy sock feet out of his mouth by giving him a time out on Twitter by starting his own social media platform which he calls, “Truth North Wrong and Me.”  Donald Trump immediately launches a lawsuit on the grounds that there can only be one Me in the world of Social Media platforms. Elon Musk disagrees and kicks Donald off of Twitter, again.

After paying $40 billion for a company that has never recorded a profit, and then driving share values to rock bottom Elon Musk admits be does not have a head for business. Alas he manages to double down on his propensity for picking losers when he hires Ex-British PM Liz Truss to take over the helm and steer Twitter back into the black. It takes less than a week for her to shepherd the company into the black abyss.

After Russian citizens are invited to take an all expenses paid 5 day vacation on their choice of any of the yachts seized from Putin, his family, and oligarch friends; or anywhere in the world at their choice of properties seized from same, Putin’s iron grip on Russia evaporates and he finds himself hanging upside down in Red Square surrounded by the wives and mothers of solders lost during his invasion of Ukraine.

Authoritarian politicians everywhere put out a hit on all unmarried Ukrainian men and Iranian women for fear that they might marry and procreate a new species of fearless, anti-authoritarian, super-soldiers. All other heads of state and their handlers (outside of  Ukraine) support the action for fear that said offspring would also become super heads of state that would be both unbeatable in an election and uncontrollable thereafter.

All Religions, Governments, and insurance companies the world over agree that pandemics and climate change will now be classified as Acts of God. Fox News and the Republican Party implode when this leads to the evaporation of their base of evangelical, climate denier, and antivaxxer movements.

High temperatures influence haute couture when, on the heels of (and buoyed by) last year’s news that the Arctic is logging Mediterranean temperatures of 38C (100F), hip waders become the newest must have fashion accessory to flood the market.

Canada’s Band of Others, four soldiers who refused to get vaccinated on the grounds that it was a government plot to exterminate 98% of its army, win their appeal and are assigned to a new Canadian Cavalry Unit called the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Their new orders are to surrender themselves to the first enemy they find.

The Canadian Armed Forces loses all credibility when its soldiers learn that they needn’t follow any order that is not first vetted by the Supreme Court.

A group of Albertans accused of starting the Fort MacMurray Wildfire of 2016 as a result of the sun beating off of their tinfoil Stetsons, deny everything including the fact that there ever was a fire.

Everyone found to have not voted or the self-acclaimed dictator of Belarus in the last election is executed.  The American Billy Bob (Evan Neuman) who fled there to avoid being prosecuted for his role in the US Capitol insurrection was (free) speechless when asked how he liked his new home now.

Fox Media accidentally prevents another crippling Texas freeze when they send their entire crew of hot-headed climate denying hoaxpeople to broadcast their diatribes and hot air on location. Texas registers high temperatures (at least in the areas closest to those Fox personalitics) that are dangerously close to highs not previously seen outside of Death Valley

Wisconsin introduces hunting licenses for privileged youngsters who want to go looking for trouble with semi-automatic assault rifles. In anticipation that there might be an outside chance that more than a lot of people could get Kyled, the associated bag limit is set at 2 Kyles per young buck.

The State of Wisconsin finds it impossible to charge anyone with murder because all the perps claim they were the real victims who only Kyled their alleged victims out of the fear of what they might do if they managed to disarm them.

Texas authorizes the sale of firearms via vending machine.

Hundreds die in British Columbia when an F5 waterspout touches down on a containership laden with kitchen sinks in the Port of Vancouver.  The victims who were attending an international Climate Deniers Convention on the waterfront were unable to find shelter from the torrents of kitchen sinks that began raining down on them.

When Mark Zuckerberg unveils a radical new line of Meta-T smart glasses that will form the foundation of his metaverse, market analysts are not surprised when he announces the Meta-T can be ordered with lenses in any color so long as it is rose-colored.

Donny Despot cements his legacy as the America’s all-time Pardoner-in-Chief when he pardons all statues everywhere of past, present and future crimes against race and/or humanity.

The Dodder orders the execution by firing squad of all democrats on the grounds that they are not in his (so by extension the public’s) best  interests.  His republican lackeys (and everyone else in America – and the world) can only sit back and try not to say or do anything that he might “believe” is also not in his best interests.

After blowing up the White House rather than surrendering it to Biden, America’s outgoing Big Baby La La-in-Chief claims that his explosion was way bigger than Kim Jong-Un’s.

Citing last year’s late breaking death by Covid-19 of a 41 year-old US Republican Congressman-Elect with no preexisting conditions as their last straw, the American Medical Association officially adds Republicanism to the growing list preexisting illnesses that could lead to death by Covid-19. President Joe Biden says he is not lemming the influence of America’s last Shepherd-in-Fleece to cause any more unnecessary deaths when he orders Animal Control Officers in Red Republican States to use helicopters to locate and dart gatherings of those flocking lunatics that still flock to the idea that herd mentality trumps mental illnessity.

In response to a shitty outlook for the American dollar’s popularity as the global currency of choice, the US mint announces a plan to bolster its demand on world markets by printing their money on toilette paper.  Sadly their plan backfires due to sudden “runs” on their banks and their failure to account for the facts that: “#1”- the mindless masses continue to piss their money away on whatever they are told is trending; and “#2” – butt now they can flush it down the toilette twice as fast.

Netflix announces a shitty new series called the Walking Braindead, a new more realistic spin-off of their incredibly popular Walking Dead zombie apocalypse franchise.  In “loo” of brains, these zombies are after your dwindling supply of toilet paper in a post-apocalyptic world where everyone is losing their shit to keep one step ahead of the unclean horde.  Unlike their smarter “brain (food) fed” cousins who can only “turn you” with a bite, just being touched by one of these toilet paperless zombies, gives you an immediate desire to wipe away their fingerprints even if it means turning on your friends for their supply of white.

We learn that last year’s rebound in Kodak share prices was just a “flash in the pan” when they return to negatives after demand for their New Improved Kodak Bleach fails to develop.  Both investors and American tax payers see themselves as having been overexposed when Kodak declares bankruptcy (again) and defaults on the (small?) $750 Million loan they received from D.A.D. (aka Donald the Artful Dealer), himself a 6 time loser (if you are just counting bankruptcies).

In a (funeral) veiled attempt to convince people to stop voting against him, the Donnie Despot Campaign 2024, extends an olive branch when it offers anyone who didn’t vote for him in 2020 free and immediate vaccination with the Russia’s highly effective Novichok vaccine.

In a vain effort to pick up chicks and stave off the march of time pending the next election the Dodder buys an Audi in order to make his heart beat.

The American Bible Belt enters the worst drought in the history of man when the real voice of god sentences them to wander 40,000 years in a Dust Bowl for worshiping their false idol (and self-acclaimed voice of God).

Stock Markets plummet as Big Drug loses billions when people stop buying their common cold management products. Their cancer research is redirected towards a cure for the common cold in order to stave off a global economic crisis that comes of a cure for cancer as opposed to a trillion dollar industry dedicated to developing and selling drugs to manage the disease (and the side-effects of said drugs).

The Squad suggests Donald D_rum^mKopf might be better suited to go back to his German homeland where he can try making the 3^rd Reich Great Again. Finally something that both Democrats and his neo-Nazi fans can agree on.

On the heels of last year’s (we thought) highly experimental exercise in political correctness, Bill Nye (the science guy) takes another step towards completely eliminating stereotypes when he dons a bikini and wins the Miss America Pageant. He is later disqualified when judges determine his heels were in poor taste because: 1) the Dodder didn’t hit on him; and 2) they made “little people” feel small.

America’s War on Drugs makes an about-face when their coast guard stops focusing on inbound smugglers for the Drug Cartels and starts boarding outbound pleasure craft owned by Big Drug companies. They confiscate enough bails of money destined for offshore bank accounts to pay down their national debt.

The Dodder follows Kim Jong-un’s lead by demanding that all professional sporting events that he attends be played in empty stadiums with no fans and no journalists.

Food prices skyrocket as it becomes more profitable to sell crops to museums as art. Meanwhile, hungry kids everywhere are reported to be raiding grandma’s wax fruit bowl.

Space X runs into more flak surrounding it’s plan to blanket the heavens with up to 12,000 new internet satellites when their Falcon X delivery rocket bumps into a satellite and explodes. They blame their F_alcon guidance algorithm for not taking into account all the new obstacles that seem to be materializing out of thin air these days.

The President of France abandons his attempt to reform pension rules when the birth rate in France trends to zero because everyone is protesting on the streets as opposed to making babies at the office.

The Dodder accuses scientists at Penn State University of patent infringement on his own well documented oily non-shit sticking schtick.

The Dodder solves the global epidemic of child inactivity (and obesity) when he invades Sweden and sentences them and their parents to interment camps where they will be chained to their seats and force fed a steady diet of American movies and fast food 24/7.  By year’s end he and all North American’s can finally say they have the bodies of a 17 year-old Swede (a.k.a. Greta Thunberg).

All of Tesla’s competitors in China start producing exact duplicates of their electric cars.  Although some will suspect that the presence of a Huawei in every employees pocket had something to do with the leaked trade secrets, I have insider (my bottle) information that it was actually a low tech sale of information by Tesla employees who needed the cash to afford last year’s first cars that rolled of the line.

Canada’s Prime Minister is now pushing a New Deal with high hopes that he will be able to pay down the national debt and salvage some  political capital by putting some pot in every chicken consumed by Canadians.

That invisible cabal of brilliant global warming naysayers and their ingeniously ingenuous leader claim that last year’s good news that the earth’s ozone layer is recovering only proves that it wasn’t such a big deal and that even stupid liberal scientists can get lucky sometimes. One unnamed genius tweets he could have done it better by constructing a really high wall that would have created lots and lots of jobs while saving the chemical industry fantastic amounts of money.

As the Huawei affair develops into a full-on trade war, Canada forces China to eat its words when they stop trading life giving food for the privilege of buying mind numbing junk.

Apple launches a new inflatable iPhone with the promise that the new design will eliminate the middle-drone while, at the same time, allowing swimmers to avoid the threat of iPhone theft (and binky separation syndrome) while they are in the water.

Riding the success of their Special Olympics venue (and an inability to find any city on the planet that is willing to host the next Olympics) the IOC announces that all future Olympic games will be rebranded the Homeless Olympic Games.  Suddenly, no longer needing to foot the additional costs of disappearing their homeless folk from the world stage, cities the world over determine that the costs are now within reach of their tax-payers.

When the IOC announces that, in the spirit of their new brand, only homeless athletes can participate, governments everywhere sink funds into feeding their homeless and weaning them off of opioids in order to avoid disqualification. Experts expect this to be the first games to be free of any drug scandals given that, unlike their spoiled upper middle-class predecessors, tomorrows athletes won’t be able to afford designer drugs or crooked trainers.

The American government’s habit of dumping drums of toxic waste into the North Atlantic Ocean prior to 1983 comes back to haunt us when a school of Codzillas lay “waste”  to all the towns and cities along the eastern seaboard of Canada and the United States.

The Dodder finally gets to construct an affordable wall along his Mexican border by using the endless supply of cheap tell-all books that have been published by all of his one-time cronies and confidents.  He then uses what is left over to build a bunker to protect himself from a new wave of books that various state and federal authorities are commencing to throw at him.

The National Football League orders defensive football players to replace their usual footwear with frogman flippers in order to further protect quarterbacks while, at the same time, generating more offense, more offensive records and more magical moments that football aficionados will find, well… just plain offensive.

Twitter unveils Dodder, a premium extra-secure version of its product for old eccentrics and/or politicians that think an “all thumbs” approach to policy, diplomacy and public opinion will make them cool.

The Dodder administration encourages cowboys and baseball enthusiasts to place a pinch of coal dust between their cheek and gums to make America great again.  Meanwhile, American teens are encouraged to snort at least one line of coal dust every day because coal is the new cool. 

In another attempt to make America Great Again, The Dodder Administration announces it will resurrect the buggy whip industry.

Boasting his and her elevators to access the cab and an extended bed that can accommodate a squadron of 747 Jumbo Jets (or two 2017 Ford Expeditions), Ford Motor Company’s new Enterprise class nuclear powered pick-up truck flattens the competition.

As food shortages immigrate to America despite sugar coated assurances from the Woeful Office that Global Warming is a groundless figment of fake science designed to undermine The Dodder’s supreme intellect, he says, “lettuce eat cake” and signs an executive order demanding that Americans (or at least 99% of them) substitute Twinkies for all things that grow out of the ground.

America nukes North Korea over reports that Chairman Kim Jong Un had claimed that more people attended his birthday celebration than there were at the Dodder’s inauguration.

In an ongoing attempt to bolster ^Irr_national ^Insecurity and his Administration, The Dodder threatens to block internet service providers from the American market unless they provide him with the personal information and open access to every visitor on every site that mentions his name in anything but glowing tribute.

The United States of America burns down when wildfires sweep the nation because all the water that was required to fight them was squandered in attempts to disperse anti-Trump demonstrators.

US Naval officers and crew are now required to undertake annual eye-eye tests.

High end woman’s hand bags double in size now that the fashion industry has models that can bear the weight.

American Troops are not sent to liberate a single country that is sitting on rich coal reserves.

The world becomes a better place when every person, corporation and billionaire in the world suddenly demands immediate steps be taken to punish Dictators and War Criminals everywhere. This unprecedented level of global public awareness and rage is fueled by a new crimes against humanity surcharge that is added to the price of gasoline every time the sociopathic butt sphincters of the world attack helpless women or children within their borders (or anyone else’s).

Germany outlaws the use of cologne in public gatherings.

US President Trump declares a “War on Winter” and wastes no time liberating the Great Lakes from Canada “Just ‘Cos” they failed to satisfy his demand that they stop sending Canadian Cold Fronts off of their side of the lakes.  Canada’s Prime Minister strongly objects with the announcement that he has unfriended President Trump on Facebook and that he has instructed his followers to no longer heart any of “The Donald’s” tweets.  The die is cast as the selfi-made PM (with a little help from his dad’s legacy) squares off against the self-made President (with a small loan of a million dollars from his dad).

US Congress orders Twitter to add the same “Two-Person-Rule” that is used to prevent the accidental or malicious launch of a nuclear missile by a single individual to their Twitter “send” logic.

Ashley Madison is announced the winner of a privatization contract that makes them responsible for staffing the White House and advising the president on foreign affairs.

Charlie Sheen is appointed to the new Office of Harassment Adjudication and Locker Room talk.

Kim Kardashian is appointed Secretary of the Treasury (and Bling).

President Trump’s first mega-million dollar public work is the beautification of Mount Rushmore. He has the existing heads demolished to make room for his own much larger head.

The National Inquirer becomes America’s very first State Run news service.

The editor in chief of the National Inquirer is appointed to the new position of Secretary of Education, Communications and Bald-faced Lies.

American 5^th graders are added to the terrorist watch list on the grounds that they represent a clear and present danger to future republican elections.

Those American’s who are not smarter than a 5^th grader, smarten up and stop paying taxes.

President Trump “borrows” funding from American Charitable Organizations to erect larger than life statues of himself in every American city while smaller municipalities (and private golf clubs) are blessed with larger than [Chairman] Mao murals of “The Donald“.

Samsung recoups all of its losses from last year’s smart phone recall with the announced creation of their new smart munitions division.  Hock your Glock and trash that Taser because the Galaxy “Smart Grenade” is now America’s fashionable weapon of choice.

The real-estate of global warming becomes apparent when we learn that all of the land in Northern Canada was surreptitiously purchased by rich global warming deniers that were posing as eco-tourists aboard last year’s Northwest Passage cruise ship.

Absolutely none of these predictions come true (I hope).