Tag Archive: Headlines

(Hurting) Headitor’s note:  Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my ^wrec_kollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy.  You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.

The global economic picture continues to develop poorly. Kodak files for bankruptcy protection in January.  Later in the year Hostess follows suit, prompting fear that it might even be the end of the road (if not the world) for the Twinkie, America’s vaunted post-apocalyptic food staple.

Scientists everywhere become unglued with news that a God Particle “might” have been created in the Large Hadron Collider.  The rest of our heads explode with a “Big Bang” as we try to understand why this is such a big deal and/or exactly what it means.  In a prepared press release we are enlightened by news that, “It’s important to realize it’s not responsible for most of the mass we are made of, but it’s involved in the mass of fundamental particles.“

In an attempt at pandering to the Chinese for investment designed to balance Canada’s trade deficit, Stephen Harper claims victory after securing the rights to “rent”  two giant pandas from the Chinese.  In return he opens our kimonoil-sands to Chinese takeover.

Face book goes public, then loses face followed by its shirt.

The open-discharge toilets used by 30 million train passengers every day in India have always generated a big stink, but now scientists are warning that the issue is also flush with “serious safety implications.”  The discharge causes widespread corrosion of the rails and maintenance workers often refuse to service the undercarriage of the trains.”

The federal government announced the postponement of their plan to stop circulating pennies last October.  The new target is now on Feb. 4, 2013.

The Pope’s butler was sentenced to 18 months of house arrest in the Vatican after being convicted of leaking information pertaining to allegations of corruption and financial misdeeds within the Vatican.  No telling how much has changed since the days of the inquisition since all we know from the secretive trial is that the butler confessed and he is now very sorry.

Unfortunately da money still owns Congress.  Although all but 1% of da money is still expected to fall over a fickle cliff (that everyone else just calls partisan politics) perhaps now the slope, and fall, will not be so pronounced.

Conservatives find themselves under attack as the open-ended terms of their non-competitive contract for 65 still undelivered F-35 stealth fighters continues to deliver escalating sticker shock (and awe) with an estimated cost that seems to be climbing faster than the jet will.