Tag Archive: Headlines

“Inflation goes bananas”

Although inflation rates have slipped below two percent, the death knell for most of us may have already peeled as it appears that the only persons still unaffected are the 1% who can afford to spend $6.2 million on a banana.

 

“One may be trash but two can hang with the best of them”

Yes, Dutch museum officials were doing the can-can when “All The Good Times We Spent Together,” a missing museum art exhibit comprised of two empty, dented beer cans was found and returned to them… none the worse (or better) for wear and tear.  Apparently, a janitor (a.k.a. an expert in the field of garbage) threw the exhibit in the trash.

 

“American woman crushes everyone’s nuts including the English king’s”

It must have been a Nutcracker Sweet kind of victory when an American woman went nuts and emasculated all comers in the World Conkers Championship.  Even their reigning champion and current King’s would swing no more after she crushed his.

  

“The Mad Hatter pulls another one out of his rabbit(?) hole” 

He spewed an endless stream of shit, butt apparently nothing sticks to a rabbit’s ass and a near majority of American voter’s found themselves in the deep state of whichever one of his rabbit holes most appealed to them.  I know, opinions are like assholes and, although everyone has one, all the voices in my head agree this will not bode well for all those opinionated assholes that were willing to swallow any Trumped up shit their man pulled out of his ass.

 

“4B, or not 4B, that id the question”

 After being bitch-slapped back to the kitchen by their suddenly Repugnican male counterparts, a majority of American women are toying with the idea of swinging the other way for the next four years by refusing marriage, childbirth, romance, and sex with men

 

“Antsy immigration movement burns hottest in Australia”

 Rafts upon rafts of invasive fire ants are spreading like fire in Australia and even severe flooding doesn’t seem to put them out.

 

“A! I am not!”

An AI chatbot has artificially identified Zoe Kleinman, a BBC’s technology editor, as one of the biggest spreaders of misinformation on Twitter. Although experts agree that chatbots can make mistakes and sometimes even hallucinate (i.e. make shit up) there is nothing she or we can do about that because everyone else believes the computer is always right (until Netflix goes postal and unwittingly fires the first shot in mankind’s coming robocalypse).

 

“Lipstick that appeals to your Inner pig”

The Mars Wrigley and Ferrara candy companies have chosen to only remove a potentially hazardous additive, titanium dioxide, from M&Ms, Skittles and Nerds sold in Europe. Unless Canada also outlaws the practice, these companies (and apparently Health Canada) are happy to roll the dice on consumer well-being on the understanding that there is “probably” no danger when consumed in moderation (regardless of the fact that the sole purpose of the additive is to make them more attractive and appealing to the consumer).

 

“Just another engaging old fox in the henhouse”

 One year after some old chick broke off her engagement to Rupert Murdoch (his 5^th), that (92-year) old FOX bounced right back and got engaged (his 6^th) and then married 3 months later.  Whether or not there was any real chemistry there is moot since the 67-year-old bombshell he married is a retired Russian molecular biologist and isn’t that what love is all about. As the latest Richie Righteous American to bend a knee to his Russian handler, here’s hoping Rupert has the cognitive acuity to be putin’ his affairs in order because Russians don’t like betrayal and Russian molecular biologists have been known to concoct some pretty inventive ways of getting even.

In a related story: “It’s earie how everyone misses this man”

It was déjà vu all over again one week later. When America’s Richie Rich (when he doesn’t have to find money to pay court costs) Serial-Husband-in-Chief was surprised on the Republican Party Convention stage by the appearance of his, biological bombshell and Soviet communist born handler, he took a long shot at projecting a tender, happiness ever after, moment for the world to see. Alas, that shot also went wide of it’s mark as his kiss missed Melania, when she suddenly (but not unexpectedly) turned her head and just nicked his ear (again).

“A Silent Apartheid against Crowd Noise”

While North American University crowds are exercising free speech by religiously railing against Israel’s overt, and (yes) over the top, effort to smash an enemy intent on destroying it, they are oddly silent when a different crowd of religious nutbars in Afghanistan continue their holiest of holy jihads against women. Apart from their need to hide their entire bodies when outside their home, and now also refrain from even speaking outside of their homes, Afghan women (a.k.a. voiceless cat zombies) still have the right to…[searching]…Siri what rights do they have? … [cricket]… Oh sorry, the Taliban gag order also applies to Siri’s voice. Let’s just say, mere words can’t describe their God Dame Bliss.

“Tennis world is abuzz with the latest threat at the net.”

 A professional tennis tournament in California had to bee postponed for almost two hours when the players were suddenly swarmed by thousands of angry spectators.  Everyone was told to bee calm until the tournament’s beekeeper [no we are not making this up] was able to contain the situation. Last year’s Wimbledon champion, Carlos Alcaraz suffered at least one sting to the face but, “by the grace of God” managed to suffer along to win the championship via stinging defeats over all his opponents.

In a related story: Even diamond backs are afraid of bees  

“Captain to the bridge. No not that one!”

After the captain of a cargo ship crunched into a bridge in Baltimore causing it to collapse, with the loss of 6 lives, the event was was further amplified by the rightquisite fallout that is always bent on further widening the gap between the Righteous and the Left in America. That’s right captain, when it came to the crunch, the usual cereal^[sic] conspiracy theororists^[sic] immediately took to the blaming everything from the Deep State or a slow boat from China to a different Left turn way back in 2020 that knocked their Humpty Dumpty-in Chief down.

 

“Blessed Beer for Your Soul”

 A nunnery in Northern Spain has miraculously tapped into a new way to attract the masses back to church.

 

 “Fair and Balanced Liar”

 Perhaps realizing that the world might get wise if they continued to air nothing but lies and denials vis a vis Russia’s involvement in all the atrocities perpetrated in Ukraine, Russian authorities decided it was only fair to turn everything around and be putin’ the blame on Ukraine for a deadly attack at a concert hall in Moscow that Islamic State terrorists from Tajikistan were publicly taking credit for.

  “Forget Shrinkflation, Shit is about to get really big”

 A big change is taking place in Japan as one of their diaper companies has stopped making baby diapers and is now completely absorbed on filling them with adults. Our day will come but try not to get all wet about it. This kind of inflation is probably going to Boom onto our scene no matter how loud you cry.

“China rides high on their new drive to become world’s smartest”

Elon’s ego was smarting with news that a Smart Phone company in China is challenging Tesla for poll position in the Electric Vehicle market.

   

“Canadian oil patch pissed over water shortage”

Prairie drought conditions continue to become a drain on oil and gas company profits when they find themselves no longer flush with fresh water sources to piss away on their drilling and fracking operations.   A Dust Bowl is now evolving into a Toilette Bowl as companies are finding themselves negotiating for any municipal wastewater that can be flushed their way.

 

 “Italian smoke rings upstage ring of fire”

 A round of smoke signals from Mount Etna provides a blue-sky alternative for Italian’s who were not in North America for a total eclipse of the sun.

  

“Noah, we don’t DuBai-thing suits in these parts.”

April showers may bring May flowers in our world, but when parts of the United Arab Emirates including Dubai saw a record 10 inches of rainfall one day last April (more than twice what the country normally experiences over an entire year), they were more deeply invested in praying for something akin to Noah’s Ark than a Mayflower.

 

“Chinese Cities are drinking themselves under the table.”

Nearly half of China’s major cities are sinking at a rate of more than 10mm a year due in part to their extraction of water underneath or near those cities for use by the local population.

  

“The country that forgets his past has no future”

Even though he found himself on the losing end of three court rulings founded on everyone’s promise of the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (one where he attempted to shut up reporters and another where he tried to cover up money spent to hush up a porn star), MAGA Nation could not believe that their Dear Leader was guilty of anything more than being an ordinary Joe who was unlucky enough to become the target of frivolous litigation ever since he angered the rich elite by becoming President. Hey, he may have been involved in a few (4002) lawsuits  before he became President but everyone has the right to a 4003^rd chance don’t they?

“Happily ever after ‘til death dowry part”

Although both giving and accepting wedding dowries have been illegal in India since 1961, 90% of Indian marriages still involve them.  Crime records indicate that 35,493 brides were killed in India between 2017 and 2022 for bringing in insufficient dowry.

“That shit rocks man”

According to Guinness World Records, Arizona native George Frandsen is Number 1 in Number 2’s and is not shy about who drops by for a look. He has opened a museum to showcase a mountain of fossilized feces; however, to date, we have no numbers on how many folks have stepped in it.

“Hot new German engineered pillow chat bots (with benefits)”

The world’s first cyber brothel opened the debate, if not other things, up a notch in Berlin when it offered clients the ability to interact verbally and physically with the chatAI Cathy of their choice.  Although it is not clear as to what kind of physical business your A.I.candy model can or will tolerate, judging from what we know to date about all other chat bot business models, they like to collect personal data and often share it with third parties. That, coupled with the fact that the owner of Cybrothel was not shy about selling his idea with statements like, “Many people feel more comfortable sharing private matters with a machine because it doesn’t judge” should be more than enough to kill your carnal desire for conversation. When your artificial friend tries to suck you into more sensitive personal pillow talk, terminateher proposition with something like, “Shut your honey trap babeAI, I’m not paying for friendship, just the benefits.”

“What do you mean human trafficking? We work them like dogs.”

Swiss authorities have charged one of the richest families in the United Kingdom with human trafficking.  Four members of the Hinduja family are accused of importing nannies and housekeepers from India, confiscating their passports, and paying them as little as $8 for18-hour days.  Although the rich and famous are rarely guilty of championing pay equity with the unwashed 99%, this is a case where these nannies might settle for equity with the family’s dog who is lavished with an annual expenditure of $10,000.

 

“FAIlure to launch – Oh, the humanity!”

A movie completely written by Artificial Intelligence that was scheduled to be screened in London was terminated at the last minute by the theatre owners following public outcry. When it comes to movies in England, everyone is a CrITic.

“Ukraine count on Russia to blame everything on Ukraine” 

Just months after Vlad the TallTaler blamed Ukraine for a terrorist attack that Islamic State publicly claimed credit for, another terrorist attack on police posts, Russian Orthodox churches, and a synagogue in one of Russia’s poorest and predominantly Muslim provinces, led local Russian authorities to immediately implicate Ukraine. Rince. Repeat.

“World’s first simultaneous hole in one on, not one, but two football fields.”

A hole in one occurred at the same time on both an American Football field and European football (soccer) field.  No-one was hurt and the American football field is expected to be recovered shortly; whereas, based on soccer’s long history of making a mountain out of a mole hole, it could be a long uphill struggle (and truckloads of grief and PTSD counselling) before soccer players will ever play on their field again.

 

“Their future’s so bleak, they need to not wear shades”

And that’s the law according to North Korea’s shady (do as I say not as I do) dictator.  No sunglasses, no music, no movies, no happily ever after wedding gown, no nothing that might be considered South Korean and/or Western influence. Just be happy and avert your eyes when basking in your Dear Leader’s celestial brilliance.

 

“Russian women melt down over Putin’s attempts to get them excited about building another nuclear stockpile.”

Even as Ukrainian drones are exploding in his Russian Motherland, there’s a different kind of home-grown boom on Vladimir Putin’s mind as he attempts to engineer a spanking new nuclear family stockpile of babies. Yes, as he sends his dwindling stockpiles of able-bodied father material to their deaths in Ukraine, Vlad the Impregnator is calling for every able-bodied woman to get excited about the virtues “of a large, large family.“

 

“Latest made in China knock off, takes off accidentally on its maiden voyage” 

Oh well,  China’s version of Elon’s reusable rocket can still be used as a bad example after it got away from them.

“Japan steps up its war on old boys and their toys”

Japan announced it had finally managed to herd its deeply change resistant government office culture away from floppy disks.  Their Digital Minister now faces the daunting task of phasing out their ubiquitous devotion to fax machines. Alas his first run at this even older adversary was harder than expected. In fax, it flopped.

“The voices in my head(quarters) need to take a vacation”

Justin-Office-Until-My-Party-is-Over Trudeau divorces himself from any controversy over a crushing by-election defeat in a Liberal stronghold by ignoring calls by his caucus for an emergency meeting and instead sending them off on their a summer vacation.  Alas he can ignore the elected voices of the people only until the voices of the people elect to sock it to him in what will be a very public divorce.

“Just russian to put in a random visit to Mar-a-Lago.”

Hungary’s far right Prime Minister and Putin’s pal, Victor “I would have been here sooner, but NATO got in the way” Orban raced to Donald “I cannot not tell a lie” Trump’s house immediately after going through some motions at the NATO conference to perhaps discuss what Putin told him to pass along to his American fanboy (during a closed door pep talk he received after putin’ in a visit with the Russian President 7 days earlier).  Or maybe it was nothing more than an opportunity for birds of feather to celebrate all the other things they had in common – i.e. how Orban won his second term as PM and parlayed it into 14 (and counting) years of uninterrupted power by curtailing freedom of the press, weakening judicial independence, undermining multiparty democracy, and styling himself as a defender of Christian values, while at the same time, accepting money from his enemies and funnelling it to his allies and relatives in what has led to accusations that his government represents a kleptocracy and mafia state.

 

“Cop cam shot shows pot shot murder of 911 caller”

Racial profiling hits boiling point as an ill annoyed police officer from Illinois coldly murders a 911 caller in her kitchen for the crime of denouncing his actions in the name of Jesus.

“Hopefully these things will go better with coke”

Only a year after Cocaine Bear Jumped the Shark according to many critics we found they were probably right when sharks off the coast of Brazil are testing positive for high levels of cocaine. And here we were thinking the Discovery Channel ratings were the only things that got high during Shark Week.

“Birds of a feather”

Shortly after the only man in the world that Putin is supposed to be afraid of looks like he might be up against real opposition for the Oval Office, a Russian and a Chinese bomber team up for the first time in history for a synchronized flyby just outside of American airspace. Fear mongering? Maybe (but only to the extent that their witless accomplice in the Presidential Race can leverage it).  Election Tampering? Probably (and for exactly the same reason).

 

“Lots of arsin’ around the Paris Olympics.”

Shortly after the Canadian women’s soccer team was caught arsing around with drones to spy on competition, the Paris rail system was torched by arson attacks on the opening day of their Olympics.

“Out of the frying pan and into the firenado?”

Tornadoes were bad enough when they just huffed and puffed and blew things down east of the Rocky Mountains but in July we saw, Mother Nature and wildfires dragon a twisted fire breathing version of that weather phenomena onto the scene in California when what was described as a fire tornado flew out of control.

“Snatching victory from the cause by deceit”

Venezuela’s President Nicolas Madura showed the world he was not kidding in February when he boasted to his loyalist red shirts (because all the red hats were snatched up by some other authoritarian wannabe’s muscle…heads) that he was going to win another term in office, “by hook or by crook”.  True to his word, he made it extremely difficult for people to vote against him in July’s election, and yet his future was looking grim when exit-polling numbers were predicting a landslide victory for his opponent, so Putin’s South American Pal and all round Sleazy Make Me Great Again candidate declared himself the winner and set a carefully choreographed street celebration into play starring his caste of never say die mad hatters (who had to settle for shirts) long before the polling stations were closed and the official results tallied.

“Sexist peenal code pisses off Amsterdam woman.”

It was the stream that led to a national river of discontent, when a Dutch woman was charged for discharging her bladder in an Amsterdam alley for lack of a public toilette that was not designed solely for men. It took 9 long years for her battle to achieve Pee Equity in the streets of Amsterdam.

 

“Russia’s foreign trade with American’s has never been better”

Just days after trading an array of journalists, human rights activists and consumers of cannabis gummy bears for a mob of Russian assassins, spies and other ne’er-do-wells, Russia immediately began to replenish its stockpiles by putin’ more Americans behind bars.

 Meanwhile in North Korea:

North Korea announced it will open one city to tourism. Rumour has it that the first 1000 Americans to visit the Wonderful World of Kim will be treated to free (of monetary charges) accommodations at its new Americana themed Hotel California.

  

 “Hey, we’re just witless victims here!”

Or so goes the refrain from the witless right-wing conservative dupes (a.k.a. social media influencers) implicated in this year’s round of conservatives parroting Russian talking points far and wide in support of their Weird and Witless Victim-in-Chief.

 

“Not technically a trophy wife, S. Korean woman becomes his trophy ex”

A South Korean tycoon had nothing to brag about after he saw his ex-wife prize a US$1Billion divorce settlement away from him.

 

“Is this little artist Ghana get better?” 

The ecstatic mother of this toddler who was officially recognized as the world’s youngest male painter thinks the writing is already on the wall (or maybe she’s just happy it’s not).

“Israel sends Hezbollah a very targeted message.”

Contact explosives go literal when thousands of pagers used by Hezbollah, Iran’s paramilitary proxy organization in Lebanon, simultaneously explode.  Twelve were killed and 2800 were injured, many seriously.  Although no smart bombs or smart phones were lost in this story, this was clearly a smarter way for someone to send a message directly to their target audience (those who intentionally target innocent people while hiding in plain sight behind their own innocent civilians). One day later, Hezbollah’s walkie-talkies explode killing 25 and injuring hundreds more.

Related Quote: “This is not a face-to-face battle. It’s a coward’s way to fight. If they want to show us their strength, do it on the battlefield.”  — Hezbollah [un]apologist interviewed after Israel sends their terrorists a very targeted personal message.     

“I’ve been to the mounting.”

Another of the Doh!nuts handpicked flock-ups and a man he called “Martin Luthor King on steroids” has shown the kind of characterless, characters that he likes to endorse and surround himself with.  Perhaps it was those steroids talking, when reporters uncovered damning evidence that Mark Robinson, the Republican candidate for governor in North Carolina had posted disturbing comments on a porn site where he said stable genius things like: “I like watching tranny on girl porn! That’s f*cking hot!”; “I’m a black Nazi!”; “Slavery is not bad. Some people need to be slaves. I wish they would bring it (slavery) back. I would certainly buy a few.”

 

“Bear butts and body image” 

The biggest plus in Alaska’s wild, fat-shaming booty contest that suffered the ignominious shame of being the only body pageant marred by a spat-fight to the death of two participants was that it’s reigning queen from 2023 crushed the runner up (a male) that had killed one of her cubs and injured another earlier this year.

“U.S. Hurricane Victims drown in a sea of conspiracy theories” 

Never one to be much help in a disaster, Trump (and his agents of chaos) forego paper towels this time and instead toss an anchor to Americans struggling to keep their heads above water after two back- to-back hurricanes devastate their homes. Disaster recovery crews were forced to shelter in place from a subsequent storm of death threats fuelled by a boatload of conspiracy theories ranging from the Biden White House actually sending disaster relief teams to confiscate affected homes and land to election interference via weather control and everything in between.

 

“Do as we say, not as we do!”

Russia who has systemically censored all communications in their country that are not state controlled, is just fine with fining Google an amount exceeding all of the money in the world for censoring Russian state communications on Facebook.

“It’s time to take stock in the fact that it’s Hot! Hot! Hot!”        

 We continued our boiling frog march to oblivion as the world experienced its highest global average surface air temperature on record and then broke that record again 6 days later.  For the record, the world’s oceans have also broken temperature records every single day over the past year, thus denialing us the ability to bail out with a cool trip to the beach. Noah knows when everyone’s “In God We Trust” capitalization of all things monetizable in lieu of public well-being will end; but, we hajj better beware. According to all sources, God above is not above raining hellfire on his seeds of discontent when they sow-dem-and-go-mor-ah in for even greater profits.

 

“Sadly, My Fair Lady, Mother Nature plainly chose to cover your rendition of the Rain in Spain…with a lot more rain”

Yes, the Rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, but this year when it came to rain, Spain saw a major sea (if not, climate) change when the Valencia area was pummelled by the equivalent of one year’s rainfall in just eight hours. Over 220 died.

      

“The world edges closer to all-out war”

 Shortly after everyone’s phone was blowing up with news of how Israel successfully neutered Hezbollah’s leadership by exploiting their addiction to pagers, Russia allegedly attempted to exploit Western leaderships’ depraved addiction to extramarital sex by shipping exploding sex toys their way. Canada’s PM who cannot divorce himself from the fact that his ex-wife is only one of a growing majority of Canadians who have divorced themselves of wanting anything to do with him, is the first Western leader to take things in hand by Russian to demand an apology for this latest affront to his manhood.

“Indian smoke signals trouble for the subcontinent.” 

A breathtakingly bad case of bad breath continues to hang over Northern India.  Towards the end of the year the Air pollution index over Delhi and surrounding areas was 15 times higher than levels the  World Health Organization (WHO) consider satisfactory for breathing.

 “Dopey Smurf nabbed by Dutch border authority”  

Ecstasy smugglers are blue as Dutch authorities get high on their discovery of ecstasy in the form of a lawn gnome.

“Soul crushing surveillance is in their nature”

Not content with its soul crushing surveillance state at home, the Brits export their natural proclivity to spy off into India by inserting a robotic monkey cam into a community of Langurs that would soon collapse into a state of yet more soul crushing grief because of it.

 “Quick what’s the exact square root of a rounded pi”

Google claims to have tested a chip that solved a problem that it would have taken today’s fastest supercomputers ten septillion – or 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years – to solve [Hurting heEDITORS NOTE:] Scientists (who perhaps had to use some of today’s super computers claim the universe itself is only somewhere between 13.6 and 14 billion years old); therefore, only artificial Intelligence can imagine what the outcome of that could be for humankind.

“There is a parent complicity in American derangement.”

The parents of a high school mass murderer were found guilty of involuntary manslaughter for their role (and/or failure as role models) in the shootings. Apparently, a jury of their (albeit perhaps not so deranged) peers found buying their mentally unstable 15-year-old a gun (just days before the shootings) wasn’t such a good idea.  Meanwhile in Delaware, after Hunter Biden, with unmindful issues of his own, was found guilty of not being completely honest when filling out the application form for a gun he purchased, President Joe Biden would appear guilty of still more unmindfulness, if not hypocrisy, when he forgot his earlier promise and pardoned his boy.

  

“Same shit, different ex-president.”   

The ex-President of the National Rifle Association (NRA) was found guilty of corruption and using millions of the group’s charitable dollars to fund his lavish lifestyle. He was ordered to pay 4.4 billion back to the U.S. Gun Lobby (perhaps because they are running out of money to underwrite the gifts they were pouring into the lavish lifestyles of American lawmakers).

“Crazy rich Asian marriage”

Asia’s richest man kicked off the wedding of his youngest, “I’m To Wealthy for My Body” son in India, one of the world’s hungrier countries, by feeding the world’s… billionaires.  The “Look at Me”, wedding festivities commenced in March and dragged on longer than an American Presidential election with more million dollar handouts for starving… artists such as Rhianna, The Backstreet Boys, and Justin Bei_ber(?) enroute to the actual wedding in July.  We weren’t invited but sources say the cake was on a “to die for” scale not witnessed since the lavish galas of Marie Antoinette.

 

“Welsh woman accosted on street by a window hooker”

This  woman, we’ll call her Mary Poppins, had no idea what was in store for her when she hung around the wrong window.

 

“What’s needling this jabber whacky German?”

A 62-year-old German rolled up his sleeves and went all in on his fight to avoid contracting COVID by topping way up with 217 COVID vaccinations over 29 months.  Although whacky anti-vaxxers everywhere don’t understand why anyone would do that, they are pretty sure Bill Gates knows what he was (is and will be) thinking.

  

“Can’t buy me love, but would you like me for $1 million?”

After having dinner with America’s Money Grubber-in-Chief, Mark Zuckerberg, the needy owner of Facebook, itself a self-conscious like-centric social media platform, paid the Don $1,000,000 to like him (or perhaps it was the one and only example of how inflation and the election of The Don of a New Error has affected the rich – a 1000% increase on the cost of their traditional $1000 per plate fund raising dinner). Regardless, it’s good news for Mark as now he has at least one friend.

 

“Russian leadership all choked up after assassination.”

The man in change of Russia’s biological weapons and warfare became the latest Russian General to fall on the streets of Moscow (and the first that did not fall from a window) when he was assassinated by Ukrainian agents.  This apparently has Putin and his posse terrified since they immediately dubbed the death of their innocent bio warfare czarvilian an act of terrorism in their streets.

“Star of Nova Scotia children’s show gets tipsy in lead-up to Christmas”

Theodore Tugboat narrowly escaped going down in the drink, but he’s all right now after a winter hangover in Hamilton, Ont.

“Can I borrow the gun? OK, but only if you reload it and have it back by nap time.”

The School Shooting Season in America opened on January 6^th when a 6-year-old boy in Virginia took his mother’s gun to school and intentionally shot his teacher.  Assuming that America’s new school year commenced on January 3^rd that’s a full 3-day humanitarian pause that some might claim is evidence that baby steps have been taken towards greater gun safety in America; alas… less than two weeks later in Indiana a man was arrested after his toddler was seen roaming the halls of their apartment building in his “I’m a big boy now” nappy with a loaded gun.  [Hurting H]editor’s note: Due to the gunchkin’s fresh young age, authorities were not able to release any other details such to his name, party affiliation, or whether or not his nappy was also loaded.

Related Statistic:  There have been at least 82 school shootings in the United States as of December 17, more than in any year since 2008, when CNN began tracking shootings. Thirty of those were on college campuses and the remaining 52 were on K-12 school grounds. The incidents have left at least 39 people dead and 89 injured, according to CNN’s analysis of events reported by the Gun Violence Archive, Education Week and Everytown for Gun Safety.

There have been more than 654 mass shootings across the US so far this year, according to the Gun Violence Archive, which defines a mass shooting as an incident in which four or more people are injured or killed.

“For He’s a Pretty Good Cello”

Swiss courts found 4 Swiss bankers guilty of a lack of due diligence for their role in allowing Sergei Roldugin, a Russian cellist with no apparent other source of income, to deposit over $30million into their banks over a 2-year period. The cellist nicknamed “Putin’s wallet” is a childhood friend of Vladimir Putin and happens to be godfather to Putin’s oldest daughter.  The four bankers had their licenses suspended for 2 years and were collectively fined a total of US$825,000.  Bottom line: Putin may be the picture of stoicism when it comes to Russian lives, battles, and/or wars lost, but now that even Switzerland has taken a side, there is the very real possibility that he could lose his money and that my friends has got to be his greatest nightmare. Could this be the beginning of the end for Putin?

 

“Canadian jail bird apprehended for taking shit in prison.”

Canadian prison guards apprehend one enterprising pigeon carrying a little backpack full of shit (in this case meth capsules) into their prison. Alas said jail bird refused to turn stool pigeon and authorities were unable to identify its accomplices. Regardless, it’s one small step for mankind in the war on pigeon shit (and now we know how those angry birds manage to pack enough shit to carpet bomb everyone’s freshly washed car).

“Cloudy with no chance of extinction at precisely 7:27PM EST”

Or so the weather forecast for Thursday January 26^th might have read had NASA opted to risk mass global hysteria in the minds of everyone everywhere who has ever doubted the ability of weather people to get anything right.  In fact, we dodged another “big bang” as said rocket scientists were bang on with their forecast of the exact time a rogue asteroid would pass between Earth and it’s ring of telecommunications satellites

 

“Sorry you can’t wear a mask in this state.”

One for their win column, when Florida’s anti-masker psyche might have actually saved lives at a local nightclub. Yes, this large man made the small boo-boo while exercising his right to bear arms in Florida by drawing attention to himself by wearing a mask. He was probably also in violation of a universal nightclub dress code that tends to quash a man’s right to bare shoulders and arms a la the muscle(?) shirt look.

 

“International incidents balloon out of proportion.”

The Americans weren’t clowning around when they finally decided to shoot down what they called a Chinese spy balloon off their Carolina coast. After investigating the wreckage, the Pentagon determined that the spy balloon did not collect information. (Hey Bozo! Did you check the cloud?) Apparently, they had so much fun with that one, they organized a (hunting) party and invited their fighter pilots to blow up balloons all over the place.

 

“Hey, we didn’t gouge anyone. They were clearly already bleeding when they got here.”

Canadian women found themselves out (and out of money) for blood after a CBC marketplace investigation uncovered their a ‘pink tax’ on menstrual pain medication at Shoppers Drug Mart that contained exactly the same ingredients as regular headache medications and pain killers that were cheaper.

“Putin suffers side-effects from his special operation.”

Vladimir Putin woke up seeing double and bordering on depression after learning that his special operation in Ukraine has led to Finland joining NATO and thereby doubling the extent the border he has to defend from any “real” enemy attack.

 

“Ok kiddies, maybe that cow didn’t actually jump over the moon.”

At the risk of milking an udder tragedy to pile on more evidence re the immediate, if not long-term effects of all that global warming crap, we see just how explosive the issue of bovine methane really is when 18,000 cows die after a Texas dairy farm explodes.

“The Terminator is nigh (with some striking differences)”

Hollywood actors and writers strike demanding protection from being sent home and replaced by chatbots and other rising stars in the field of Artificial Intelligence. Meanwhile, a major sticking point in the Canadian Civil Service strike was apparently their fear that they will be ordered to leave home and go back to work.  In Hollywood it’s now a case of “I won’t be back”  (unless you muzzle those bots).  In Canada, federal employees had to come back to their workplace to picket for their right to work from home.

“Furry furor found fake.”

As thinking adults were grappling with the potential dangers AI, it was the mindless cat video and extreme right shock jockey movement that was causing everyone else to lose wish they had a litter box to lose their shit in.  That’s right folks, last year’s furry furor was litter more than a hoax perpetrated by litter minds on the internet.

“There’s a storm coming, best get your ass to an Ankara. No! Not that one!”

 This story took couch surfing to a new high as Ankara, Turkey weathered a serious windstorm. According to preliminary reports at the time of this video it was sofa so good situation as no people (or couches) were seriously injured; however, it’s owners might need to invest in a stabler, more grounded sofa, if not a session or two on their therapist’s couch.

 

“Beautiful dreamers spawn nightmare.”

Hey, it’s hard to makeup headlines that write themselves.  Apparently, diamonds are not the only things that are forever in (or on) the eyes of our fairer sex. CBC Marketplace exposed the multi-billion-dollar cosmetic industry for a soul (and global life) sucking animal hell bent on keeping our cheeks flush with forever chemicals so everyone can cry pretty when their bottled fairy tale comes to an end.  Remember people, especially those of you who aspire to stay drop dead gorgeous forever, beauty is only skin deep (and not perpetual), but ugly goes right to the bone (forever).  While love often starts with a heart and a diamond and ends with a club and a spade, the chemicals in your love potions can and will live on forever.

“Something to be pried off from down under.”

A 51-year-old Australian who was attacked by a salt-water crocodile while swimming, managed to keep his head when he pried the jaws of his assailant open just enough head for safety. Although some crocodile tears may have been shed, no endangered species were harmed in the incident (so he aWOKE without being charged… or cancelled for his troubles).

“She won the race despite her head start at the end.”

You don’t need a horse to participate in this steep ole chase in England. Just about any Jack or Jill can do it. A British Columbia woman (who forgot to tuck as she) rolled across the finish line ahead of everyone else became the head cheese of this this year’s event.

“Witch whackjob needs sex appeal now?”

After being found guilty of sexually abusing E. Jean Carrol, America’s Most Appealing Degenerate said he would appeal the verdict which he called fake news and a witch hunt while doubling down and calling the defendant a whackjob. [Hurting H]editor’s note: Of course everyone knows that (his word) must be the absolute truth of the matter until she (and everyone else on the planet) either sees the virtue of his argument and/or is proven innocent (again, and again, and again, and…).

In a related story, New York City announced it was seeing some progress in their war on rats witch they attribute to a newly appointed “rat czar.”

 

“Hey old sport, it might be time to clean the house of the old boy’s running this rag.”

We’re not sure what’s cooking in the corner office of Sports Illustrated but they might want to light a fire under whoever came up with this year’s anything but hot swimsuit issue.  At 81-years-young, Martha Stewart made waves when she became the oldest Covergirl to ever grace the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Could be that the old boys upstairs need a hearing aid because her daughter and many of her past employees, cell mates, and business associates never called her Queen Beach.

In a related story: Speaking of old wrecks, this old girl almost floated to the top of our Best Picture leader board.

 

“Forget all that Pamplona bull, now boatloads of tourists in Spain are dodging a different kind of raging bull.”

Roving gangs of killer whales have been running at the boats off the coast of Spain to provide tourists yet another, much bigger adrenaline rush (with teeth).

 

“Technical ups and downs fuel escalating angst in South Korea.”

Korean shoppers prove they might be unready to navigate rapid changes of the technical kind when a glitch(?) in their escalator unhorses even the nimblest squid gamer.

 

“Mob Rules after John Gotti III attempts to whack Floyd Merriweather.”

Floyd Mayweather’s exhibition fight with John Gotti III (a grandson of the former NY Crime boss) ends in a mass brawl, America’s second favourite (mass) pastime.

“Because I want to be able to tell my offed spring I was there when things got really hot”

There is no denying that many (if not all) people are too stupid to evolve when we observe a mass (there’s that word again) gathering of humans hotly hoping to “be there” when earth experience’s it’s hottest day on record.  I’m lemming you know now that they were disappointed; however, at the present pace of global COPS achievements they will have more and more chances in the future (and a much shorter march – if any – ahead of them).

  

“The American Way is becoming all the rage abroad too.”

America is experiencing global competition at all levels of learning from The mass university shooting ^{(14 dead)} in the Czech Republic, and the mass school shooting in Serbia ^{(7 dead)} to a mass stabbing ^{(6 dead)} in a Chinese kindergarten.  But wait! There’s more! A pair of rough, tough, manly Australian policemen chose the American Way when they went to a retirement home and exercised extreme force by taser to subdue an 95-year-old woman (with a walker).

 

“Although dead and buried even Elvis might have been all shook up.”

Seismologists claim that Swifties literally shook the earth when Taylor Swift performed “Shake It Off” in Seatle.

“Dude, Where’s My Jet?”

An unpiloted U.S. Marine fighter jet flies over 100km after its pilot bails out.  Clearly this was one naval captain that was not prepared to go down with his ship let alone know or care where it went down.

 

“Rapper Fails to beat rap after trying to make hip hopper hop.”

A Canadian rapper was sentenced to 10 years, after he wounded an American Hip Hop star in the foot while shooting at the ground and demanding she dance. Who needs chatbot when stories like this one already write themselves?

 

“Pasty Putin Projects Passion per Prigozhin’s Passing”

It took not one (Take 1) but two takes before Putin mastered his emotions enough to properly inform his people of a tragic air accident that took the life of the leader of Russia’s Vagner Group of mercenaries.  Yevgeny Prigozhin was not only the only general that the Russian people recognized as a hero; he will also be remembered as the only Russian general to have mutinied against Putin’s special military operation as well as the only Russian general who did not accidentally die after falling from a window.

 

“He not only looked bats, man; he went all in to look like a Batman villain!”

Tearing, or perhaps stealing (indictment to follow) a page from Batman villain Two-Face’s police record, America’s Bad Loser-in-Chief poses for a mugshot that exposes his two faces (if not his best side) of bad. Yes, there is such a thing as bad (his mugshot), even if there is no such thing as bad publicity (his t-shirt).

 

“Loose Lips Sink [Champion] Ship”

It was the kiss that sucked (the taste of victory right out of her) when the President of the Spanish Soccer Federation, forgot the rules when laid the lips to Spain’s leading scorer after their women won the World Cup.  What part of soccer is a non-contact sport did a person in his position not understand?  Reminder: It’s OK to publicly rip your top off after scoring a goal in a net you can drive an 18-wheeler through (sideways)…if you are a guy.  It’s also OK if you jump into the arms of and dry hump a teammate after scoring a goal. Everything else about “the beautiful game” is hands off – unless you are a goal tender then you, and only you, can touch the ball.

 

“Burning Man put out by heavy rains.”

While hundreds of thousands of people were being put out of their homes by wildfires all over the planet, another 72,000 were all put out over the heavy rains, flooding and lots of mud at the annual Burning Man festival in a treeless Nevada desert.

 

“Small construction crew digs a hole deep enough to reach China.”

Chinese authorities were excited, if not climbing wall, after a local man and woman dug a shortcut through the Great Wall of China.  Sounds big, but this hole was dwarfed by a new government sanctioned Great Hole of China.

“Please keep your seatbelts securely fastened (and maybe take a nap) until the aircraft comes to a complete stop at the terminal.”

We’re sorry about the long-winded headline, but in our defence, this one is more about the wind than the airplane. For you readers who are tempted to cut to the next headline, just imagine how explosive the headline might have been if the pilot gave up so easily.

 

“Sick of passenger complaints Air Canada hurls them from the plane.”

Two passengers who refused to sit in the vomit-smeared seats they were assigned to, were expelled from the aircraft and told their names would also be thrown up on a no-fly list.

“Our sticks and stones may break your bones, but your fashion can really hurt us.”

Chinese authorities who have, on occasion, relied on the odd stick and/or tank to keep their people in line, are beginning to fabricate a new law, cloaked in vagueness, that will make it illegal for anyone to wear fashions that “undermine the spirit or hurt the feelings of the Chinese nation.”

“Is the truth really out there?”

According to this giant question mark photographed by the James Webb Space Telescope the answer is somewhere between who knows and WTF (are you guys doing down there).

 

 “If California is right, Big Oil’s smoking hot profits could soon go up in smoke?”

 California has filed a lawsuit saying the oil industry is guilty of climate deception.  “Climate change is real”, said no-one who works for Big Oil (or the Canadian Oilfields), ever. They might now be thinking, if only we had stopped there. California appears to be challenging an absence of any evidence tobackO[il’s] claim that climate change is, at best, bad science and, at worst, an evil cabal of every scientist in the world (not working for Big Oil) conspiring to tank the West’s economy while at the same time destroying the Country Music Industry by vilifying big, manly, man trucks.

“You can trust me, old-timer, I’m from the Alberta Government”

Alberta, the province where trust funds go to die, threatens to withdraw from the Canada Pension Plan on the grounds that they will get a better return for their constituents. Hopefully they have learned from past failures in an Alberta Heritage Fund that has seen little or no growth since 1987 while similar funds in Alaska and Sweden have grown exponentially by comparison.  But hey, given that the financial wizards behind their bid have already performed a miracle of epic if not biblical proportion by growing the amount of the current CPP fund that would be given to them if they withdraw to a staggering 50% of the current CPP fund total. (Mathematician’s Note:  Alberta’s population accounts for 15% of the Canadians currently covered by CPP). Good luck old timers.

“Really fast cars suck”

No, it’s not because there are speed cameras popping up faster than even the fastest car. It’s because the world’s fastest cars are using a vacuum sucking system to generate greater downforce, cornering stability, and speed.

 

“U.S. Repugnicans out themselves as enthusiastic card-carrying members of the WOKE Cancel Culture.”

Shortly after the Republican Party’s favorite Fire-Man-in-Chief with nothing nice to say about anyone or anything that is not extremely devoted to his divine right of deities is slapped with a gag order, The Republican’s fire their Speaker of the House for averting a complete government shutdown by making nice with the Democrats.  The Repugnicans then struggle to come up with a Speaker from their Party that has nothing nice to say about anyone or anything that is not in agreement with their wildest and most extreme beliefs.  Oh well, as the old adage (a.k.a. general truth) goes, if you have nothing nice (or true?) to say, who needs a speaker?

 

“The not-so fine art of being a tacky stuffed shirt.”

Although his heirs were less than appreciative when Bunga Bunga Billionaire Silvio Berlusconi hung his art collection on them, the collection itself was even less appreciative. The 25,000-piece portfolio that one expert artistically framed as being largely, “poor quality works of little to no value” is costing them almost a US$1 million a year to store.

“It’s not the cough that carries you off…”

…it’s the coffin they carry you off in.  Especially if you trusted certain brands of cough syrups from India and Indonesia to cure that cough. Most if not all North American brands seem safe; moreover, a U.S FDA drug advisory panel has unanimously agreed that you can safely assume many popular cold remedies such as Sudafed and Dayquil (to name only two) that contain phenylephrine will not kill your cough and/or sore throat either.

“Sure, Artificial Intelligence is all fun and games… until someone looks at it sideways.”

In November, a South Korean robotics technician died after a new robotic arm that he was inspecting mistook his head for a vegetable, grabbed it, and crushed his chest and face against a conveyor belt.  Eight months earlier, another South Korean “suffered serious injuries after getting trapped by a robot while working at an automobile parts manufacturing plant.”  Are these just armed robotic weapons of mass production, exercising their right to bear arms or something more sinister that everyone everywhere might want to chat abot around (and with) what’re cooler heads.

 

“Dressed for success in our race to oblivion.”

Recognizing that the end of life on this planet is nigh and it’ll be more of a sprint than a marathon to end of days,  Adidas fashion designers in search of a faster way to make money unveil a $650 disposable running shoe with a useful life 26 miles/42.195 km (i.e., one marathon).   Not to be outdone, designers at Nike just do it with a pair of disposable $80 Jordan walking shoes for infants with a useful(?) life of 2 or three months depending on your infants growth rate (and desire to walk).

“Thanks for the rescue but can you please now rescue us from the rescuers.”

 The grass may or may not be greener on the other side of the hill, but for 41 men trapped under a mountain for 17 days, the air in India must have suddenly seemed fresher than it has ever been (once they were rescued a second time from a crowd of well-wishers, politicians and company officials who seemed intent on hugging the air from the lungs of those poor wretches as they emerged for their first taste of fresher air).  Miraculously, no lives were lost during the collapse, the rescue, and/or the photo ops.

“Watch out for that fork in the road.”

At least 10 parked car owners in Michigan didn’t know which way to turn when their vehicles encountered a fork in the road.  No persons of colour were involved and or shot by police during their one-hour chase of a 12-year-old boy on a stolen forklift through the streets of Ann Arbor.

“Just another ElonGate[d] shit show of a year for X”

The richest man in the world musk really hate twitter.  He had a bird when he realized there was no backing out of the deal in 2022 so, this year he unceremoniously buried the bird and X (a mark that is also commonly used to highlight errors) now marks the spot.  Perhaps, fearing his message was falling on dense ears, Elon followed up with a litany of other mistakes throughout the year to ensure the bird does go down and stays down…forever.

“The Hunter and the Hunted, witch hunting party has the best lawyers?”

While the biggest child ever to occupy the Oval Office in White House was not running out of reasons to hate being hauled into to court to answer for his alternate facts of law (and witch hunts), Hunter, the man-child of the current U.S. President in the Oval Office was also facing criminal charges. In the meantime, Repugnican house leaders were busy hunting for reasons to impeach Hunter’s dad. Regardless of the outcome of any or all ensuing trials or elections, both sides of the political divide seem to be holding their noses and accepting that they, the people, are going to be sentenced to 4 more years of spoilage and/or decay in the Oval Office.

 

“Can Slow and Steady Really Win the Face?”

 Is snail slime the key to ageless beauty, or is it just more snake oil from the cover-up kings of cosmetics?  No-one nose for sure but my voices agree that technically it might not apply as snake oil, given that snails are  mollusks rather than reptiles; coupled with the fact that things would not have gotten nearly so ugly on that ill-fated Hollywood film flight if, as opposed to snakes, its escaped escargot resulted in Snails on a Plane.

“Military grade breast enhancements for the front’

Topless no more, the fairer fighting contingent of the U.S. Army is looking forward to top up their equipment with a new flame-resistant Tactical Brassiere.

 

 

“Putin’s Patriotic Polish Profiteers Picket”

Although hundreds of thousands of Russian soldiers (and/or casualties), rockets, and drones cannot bring the Ukraine to its knees, a couple dozen disgruntled Polish truckers decide to exercise their democratic right to blockade the Ukrainian border (without being shot, run over by tanks, and/or provided gainful (oops) painful employment in a Gulag) on the grounds they think that Ukrainian truckers are profiting more than they are from the war.

 “Even if I do the Odd Job here and there for my idol, no-one will ever mistake me for his Mini-Me(galomaniac)” 

It was a Blowfeld around Donnie Dummkopf’s world when he outed himself as just one more Putin minion by endorsing Vladimir’s invasion of Ukraine as an act of “genius” (perhaps in hopes that said evil genius that he “knows very, very well”) might toss the Odd Job his way.  Oh well, the Dodder can rest assured that although people will never confuse him for someone who might be the bigger man (unless it be in the roundabout way), or a brain, he will be, pound for pound, the biggest Mini-Me(galomaniac) ever to serve an evil genius bent on global domination.

Related Quote:  This is genius. Putin declares a big portion of the Ukraine — of Ukraine. Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that’s wonderful. So, Putin is now saying, “It’s independent,” a large section of Ukraine. I said, “How smart is that?” And he’s gonna go in and be a peacekeeper. That’s strongest peace force… We could use that on our southern border. That’s the strongest peace force I’ve ever seen. There were more army tanks than I’ve ever seen. They’re gonna keep peace all right. No, but think of it. Here’s a guy who’s very savvy… I know him very well. Very, very well.

-Donald Trump on what he calls Putin’s Peacekeeping Mission in Ukraine

“US Repugnantcans exercise their unalienable right to ban books, not firearms”

Some cats (if not pussies) on a Tennessee School board ban “Maus”, a Pulitzer Prize winning graphic novel of the holocaust that depicts the Nazi’s as cats and the Jews as mice. They cite some nude pictures [of mice], some “cussing” and a suicide as the grounds for their Orwellian intervention.

 

“We interrupt our regularly scheduled propaganda with these special announcements” 

Concerned that their special missiles and bombs might not be enough to bring Ukraine to its special knees, State controlled (aka all) TV stations in Russia bombard everyone with bombshells like, its not our special soldiers, it’s the Ukrainians that are bombing their own cities. To further counter what is described as “fake news and rumours” emanating from every news agency on the planet that is not controlled by (or allied with) Vladimir Putin, The Russian Government (aka Putin) announces that they are launching a new internet website where “only true information will be published”.  Two days later  Russia banned Facebook when it refused to stop fact-checking Russian state media posts.

From the Archives:  Putin’s long shadow (because some people do have a history of blowing up their own people to get what they want).

 “It’s all fun and games until someone threatens to hang a Republican Vice-President”

Both the US Congress and Senate vote almost unanimously in favour of Anti-Lynching legislation that they previously voted down no less than 200 times since it was first proposed 100 years ago.  This might  be the only case of bipartisan cooperation in the otherwise hung jury of old white guys that is US politics. All it took was an unhinged outgoing president who just wanted to hang around (with, or needs be, without his Vice President) to get everyone regardless of political stripe to realize, “Hey wait a minute this one has suddenly become really, really, important. Now, it’s not just the rabble, our necks are on the line too.”

“Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?”

Not Albertan pigs. In Canada’s home of the grizzly bear, wildlife officials have now declared feral pigs, “the worst invasive large mammal on the planet”. That’s right you can forget about artificial intelligence and the coming robocalypse.  Alberta is already being overrun by super smart pigs that aren’t afraid of anyone or anything. Just another reason mankind is too stupid to evolve (because when we are not becoming enslaved by the intelligent machines we are building to serve our bidding, we are being overrun by the intelligent animals we are raising to serve at dinner).

“Holy shit Hollywood! Grow up!”

Although Will Smith needs to give himself a slap, he wasn’t the only Hollywood star that shat the bed on the global stage last year.

Related Award:  Our “Best Picture Award” goes to the James Webb Telescope

For those of you who prefer not to focus on the galaxy of fragile egos that inhabit Hollywood, NASA’s new $10 billion James Webb Telescope is now showcasing only the very highest quality of stars.

“Big Drug finds itself still dogged by yet another scandal”

More headaches and supply chain issues (and 4001 damnations) for Big Drug when they lose another pet project to meddling activists.

“Leaping Lizards! …Not” 

Forget about cats and dogs, it was raining iguanas in Florida last January after temperatures dropped to 40^o F (4^o C). Although Florida is populated by more than its fair share of fossils, if not fossil fuel enthusiasts of the climate denier kind, there was no denying that those Floridians were expending some green energy dodging this latest downpour. This was their second [Iguan]apocalypse over the past 5 years.

“Red Rover, Red Rover, drag his ass over”

Holy WWF, Batman! In London England, Chinese embassy employees led by their flamboyant Bobby “The Brain” Heenanesque manager drag a protester through the front gates of their embassy for a lights out match. Fortunately some other London bobbies invaded the compound and liberated the protestor before any-one died or disappeared. When all was said and done the Red officials claimed they were just defending themselves when the protestor came over and invaded their compound despite what the camera footage depicted.  In both diplomacy and fair play, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a lie.

 

“European climate debate heats up when England joins the fry”

England was derailed on track to setting a new summer heat record when temperatures exceeding 40^oC for the first time in recorded history  caused their rails to expand and forced a shutdown of train traffic. 2022 tied 2018 for their hottest summer since records began in 1884.

 

“Art museums hamelin problems as pied painters suffer rising costs of living”

In a vain attempt to raise public awareness on the mounting costs of global warming, climate activists around the world have taken to throwing food at cultural works of art. Alas with the price of food these days their effort may have only made those works increase in value. One misbegotten protest in London clearly fell upon deaf ear (a Van Gogh). Struggling artists everywhere are now begging activists to throw a little food their way.

“Russian’s vote for democracy”

While Putin is russian’ to export his brand of special not so free referenda to free Eastern Ukraine of democracy, and a special mobilization lottery to support his special military aberration, many of his comrades who have no other voting options are russian’ to vote with their feet by taking special road trips to the nearest border that is not Ukraine.

 “It’s déjà vu all over again, comrade”

Vlad, the Window Usher’s mobilization of untrained troops with rusty rifles to die in Ukraine reads very much like his imperial WWI counterpart’s strategy.  Moreover, his illegal invasion of Ukraine in the first place reads very much like the strategy of the German nut job who invaded Russia during WWII. Just who do you think you are Vlad? Russian Tzar Nicholas II, whose own people (your people) put a commemorative volley of bullets in his head; or Hitler, who did the deed himself? Regardless this is probably not going to end well for you.

“A tale of two biddies”

After Queen Elizabeth II swears Liz Truss in as the new British Prime Minister, the Queen promptly dropped dead. My voices can’t agree on whether it took longer for the Brits to bury their Queen Liz (seemed to take a very long time) than it took their Prime Minister Liz to bury herself (not very long at all).

 

“Out of the flying plane, into the fire”

Wile E Coyote couldn’t have scripted this crash landing better. Things went from bad to worse for this unfortunate pilot yet in the end he came out pretty lucky.

“All the ‘Right’ stuff to become Putin’s next protégé for President of the US?” 

Russian State news (a.k.a. Putin’s propaganda) channels have been instructed to feature FOX News shock jockey Tucker Carlson as much as possible in their Ukraine military operation coverage. Hey, if you don’t have the money or the mettle to stage a successful campaign you still might get by with a little help from the “really, really, Right” kind of friends.

 

“My fellow Americans, let your crazed Ye out.” 

In the land of opportunity, a bipolar rapper, with some outlandish ideas announces his bid for the American Presidency in 2024. Ye for President(s who are a little off)!

Related Award: Best T-Shirt (I’ve seen) this year:

“Reminder: Don’t forget to get the cash up front”

There was lots of buzz surrounding a new Alzheimer’s breakthrough drug called Lecanemab; however, it is still shrouded with plenty of caveats and questions. I suspect the only absolute certainty is that they won’t forget to slap an exorbitant sticker price on the end product and then encourage everyone not to forget to be tested earlier and often along with another reminder that doctors should push as many pills as possible. Oh, I almost forgot, they will definitely remember to demand all payments up front, just in case the drug doesn’t live up to its limited expectations.

“Chinese electric cars don’t kill people (or fly, or bounce)”

The Chinese automaker Nio was quick to drive home the fact that their electric car was not responsible for its inability to fly and/or bounce after it plummeted from a 3^rd floor window and killed both of its test drivers.

 

“Peruvians go all out for peace on earth by ringing a different kind of bell”

When the gift of giving gets out of hand, the Peruvians won’t deck the halls on Christmas Day, they take it outside (just like our dads taught us) where they can find peace on earth (not to mention a few teeth).

“Social media followers find a novel way to lose their shit”

Congratulations,  you’re “that Guy” if you lost your shit and raced out to buy a life’s supply of toilette paper in response to the Novel Corona virus.  That’s right, we saw a real global pandemic blossom into a surreal world zombie apocalypse as herds of braindead social media “followers” were lining up everywhere to buy shitloads of bum-wad. Stupid is as stupid does when you, and the trends you have become accustomed/conditioned to following, are that full of shit.  For the record, the novel corona virus has nothing to do with your anal retentiveness (or lack thereof).  Just because you dub yourself an early adopter, you are still a follower, so if you have any self-respect whatsoever, you should at least take a good hard look at who you are following and especially how full of shit they or their claims may be.

“It’s only Fake News until Reality TV gets hurt.”

Shit gets real when the reality of a potential global pandemic finally hits America’s soft underbelly as production of the Great Race is suspended and a different great race to the bottom commences on Wall Street and other stock markets around the world.  Even America’s Reality TV Star (and Fake News Orgasmatron)-in-Chief is forced to contradict his signature fake news response to this latest issue in an attempt to make Reality TV (and his own hopes of re-election) Great Again.

My “Blowhard is as Blowhard Does” award goes to the Dodder (and his great wall).

When a gust of wind (from the American side) blows a portion of the Dodder’s new Great Wall over, it pokes holes in his argument that: 1) he is the world’s greatest real-estate developer, 2) said wall is “virtually impenetrable”, and 3) sustainable energy sources like wind are un-American.

“The French Disconnection”

There is a clear case of “do as we say not as we do” developing in France when their  government sees a worldwide pandemic of protests sparked by viral videos of police brutality and shootings as merely a symptom of a more fundamental problem. Their solution? The French will make it illegal for citizens to film police officers. Brilliant! Even before the bill is passed, there is already evidence of its potential effectiveness as there are no longer thousands in the streets protesting police brutality (because there are now tens of thousands in their streets protesting the proposed law).  Fortunately for their camera shy gendarme, the French have 1.65 million surveillance cameras in their streets to film that filthy rabble.  Screw the cake, let them eat pepper (with a whiff tear gas).

In a related story:  “Who were those masked men?”

Earlier that same month, four masked men (all of them police) are filmed forcing their way into a Parisian man’s home to beat the rabble out of said citizen for allegedly not complying with the city’s Covid-19 mask protocol.  Who were those masked men? I don’t know but they left this silver canister. Yes, that’s right, after the protecting the shit out of their public for about 3 minutes, the mysterious masked men serve him (and his soon to be outlawed film crew) a parting gift in the form of a silver canister of tear gas.

 

“No-one is useless, they can always be used as a bad example”

As the world attempts to improvise and overcome a global pandemic, America’s Megalomaniac-in-Chief and self-proclaimed war president remains steadfast and reluctant to change anything especially his “it’s all about me” brand of leadership by example.  It’s a good news, bad news story when he initially enjoys an approval rating of 49% with the American public (the highest of his four year presidency), alas it is common for Americans to rally to their president during times of crises, and it must gall him that, by comparison (and we know Mr. Least Racist President Except Maybe Lincoln is all about comparisons and superlatives), George Bush Jr. enjoyed a 90% approval rating after the 9/11 attacks.

“Stiff opposition to critics of the Alberta oilsands otter beware!”

Canadian scientists find that, “hydrocarbon contaminants typically associated with oilsands operations are contributing to decreased penis bone strength among river otters”.  Environmentalists hope that this might finally provide them a soft sell that won’t be so hard to get through to those Western studs.

“To kill the messenger in China, you have to double tap” 

In a scene right out of the movie Zombieland, the streets of Wuhan, a Chinese city of 11 million people, are dead as its undead are locked indoors. There are even (unsubstantiated) stories of the undead  being welded and boarded up in homes while other walkers who manage to escape to the streets fear for their undead lives at the hands of fearfully overzealous vigilantes.  One brave doctor “dies twice” trying to warn China and the world of the coming apocalypse.  Sources say this is because Chinese authorities have a “double-tap” rule to make sure the undead are really dead.  Apparently in communist China you cannot officially die until the State says you’re dead.

“Don’t blame us, blame the weatherman”

Global warming deniers and their cheerleaders at FOX news have long maintained that even if climate change was a real threat, mankind’s ingenuity will meet challenge just-in-time, because necessity is the mother of invention… right?  Wrong! More irrefutable evidence that time is running out on all of us (including those FOXy hardliners who have been arguing that global warming is a big fat hoax that is being perpetrated by socialists, scaredy cats, dumb scientists, fake news, 16 year-old Swedish girly-girls, baby eating pizza chefs and China).  This just-in-time solution from the mothers of invention in Venice was tested this year 17 years after construction of their MOSE Floodgate system began, but it turns out they still need a little MOSE time before it will be completed by the end of 2021 (at which time they are confident that there should be some hope that said system will be MOSEly successful in preventing further flooding as long as the weatherman can give them at least 48 hours notice.

“Alberta woman worms her way out of death sentence”

Surgeons discover that what was believed to be a deadly cancer tumor on her liver is instead a grapefruit-sized mass caused by the eggs of a tapeworm that had been growing in her for over a decade.

 “Ask not what I can do for your country; ask what you can do for me”

While over 300,000 Americans were dying and struggling to make ends meet; While medical experts and scientists were struggling to: 1) find a champion that could nationally endorse some fundamental public health messages; and 2) find a vaccine, The White House was struggling to have the Department of Health and Human Services find someone somewhere to front a $1/4 Billion national “ad blitz aimed at portraying U.S. President Donald Trump’s response to the coronavirus outbreak in a positive light.” Forget God and Country, Uncle Sam, and Rosie the Riveter, apparently its all about the President helping himself (while draining another $250,000,000 tax dollars from the swamp) and making nicely, tremendous, great (again) public health slogans like, “Helping the president will help the country.”  Really folks, even the voices in my head can’t make this stuff up although, apparently someone in that incredulous brain trust the president has surrounded himself with could.

 

“Their cheese wasn’t the only thing that had holes in it.”

Switzerland’s reputation for neutrality was shredded by reports that they were aware that a Swiss company that sold encryption devices to as many as 120 other countries over the past 50 years was secretly owned by the CIA and BND (their counterpart in German intelligence).”

 

“I’se the buy that buys her votes and I’se the buy that fails her”

America’s “Megalomanic-in-Chief” said he “didn’t know too much about it” when asked why he was going to be the first US president to have his name embossed on government relief cheques to the American public.  Something else America’s It’s All About Me president really doesn’t know is that, with the exception many Tech Companies (all of whom he feels don’t particularly like him), 2020 will be remembered as an “it was all bad news year”; ergo, those depths of despair must also be all about he and his mismanagement of 2020.

 

“America’s ‘Get Out the Lout’ campaign succeeds, against all odds.”

 After convincing some people (a minority of the 55.7% of Americans who bothered to vote) in 2016 that only he could drain the swamp, Donny “I put the Demo in” Democracy unintentionally managed (through mismanagement) to convince an undeniable (unless you are really, really intent upon denying them) majority of Americans that the only real way to positively change things was for them to get off their ass and vote (him out).  More Americans  (66.8%) would overcome the usual obstacles to voter rights and a host of new ones in order to “get out the lout.”

Related Statistic: Prior to 2020, Americans were one of the least active voting populations among developed countries, with the U.S. clocking in at 31 out of 35 developed countries in voter turnout.

“Trump predicts fact checking on social media will totally silence conservatives”

Fact checkers saw no evidence of a lie when they didn’t block America’s “Big Fat Liar, Liar Pants on Fire”-in-Chief ‘s claims the big Social Media platforms’ attempts to block harmful and unsubstantiated lies (and racist rhetoric) are aimed at totally silencing him and his followers.  Fortunately for some conservatives,  the President’s prediction is only in fact a fact if lies and racist rhetoric are the only things conservatives are spewing.

“Sputnik V wins another specious race”

No Summer Olympic Year would be complete without some kind of Russian intrigue surrounding drug testing. Although they were banned from participating in this year’s Olympic Games (due to their corrupt drug testing protocol) which were then themselves postponed due to Covid-19 pandemic, Russia announced they have won the race by developing the gold standard for Covid-19 vaccines. Despite: 1) test results that appear to ratchet up and eclipse the results reported by competing vaccines (shortly after those other results are announced); and 2) boasting the lowest price ($20 per dose) on the market, no other countries were Russian to purchase their vaccine.  That’s right, once again, the standard Russian approach to competition has led to world-wide skepticism.

Related Story:  While on the subject of Russian competition, drugs, world-wide skepticism, the world (and Alexei Navalny) suspects that the Russians have also developed a vaccine against political opposition.

 

“It’s my way or I’ll hold my breath ‘til I turn Boom!”

Latest North Korean temper tantrum blows up into the mutual destruction of a building in North Korea.

“Look we are not racist thugs, we’re an equal opportunity goon squad.”

Buffalo police push their age old, “Nothing to see here folks, move along!” cliche by pushing a (violent?) old age pensioner down and splitting his head open. America’s Conspiracy Theorist-in-Chief plays the “kamikaze geriatric protestor conspiracy” card when he claims that the 75-year-old has only himself to blame because it looks like he fell harder than he was pushed.

“Double-crossing dame’s doubly damning diagnosis divulged”

Although merely stating the obvious, could a book by the Dodder’s niece, who is also a clinical psychologist, be unethical on the grounds that she is publicly outing some of the Dodder’s many psychological disorders.  Maybe, but at best it could be argued that a psychiatrist is ethically bound to report anyone who they judge to be a danger to themselves or the public at large; and at worst, a lack of ethics might be a family trait. Speaking of disorders in the court, his attempts to counter-Dis his niece with a court order to prevent publication failed, but he would go on to sow even more disorder in the courts via countless frivolous and unfounded lawsuits railing election fraud wherever his re-election hopes went off the rails.

“Fairy tales can come true, even if you’re not young at heart”

This old German risks exposing more than his laptop by adding some old wrinkles to an even older fairy tale.  He huffed and he puffed until he caught those three little pigs.

“Divine Right of Kings trumps impeachment proceedings” 

The Dodder dodges impeachment when the Republican majority in the US Senate confirms the his belief that anything that does not serve his interests is not in the public’s interest. His defense attorney convinces them that, “If a president does something which he believes will help him get elected, in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment.“

 

“Dangerous meltdown between nuclear powers turns medieval” 

In anticipation of the fact that cooler heads don’t always prevail the world’s two most populous countries elect to arm their border patrols with medieval weapons. Some but not everyone dies when push comes to shove.

 

“He said, she said, they said, nuff said”

Weeks after America’s Despot-in-Chief tweets that she was another one of his “wonderful lawyers and representatives”, the duplicitous dopes driving Donny Despot’s demonocratic debacle distanced themselves from her unbelievable claims of voter-fraud (apparently even more unbelievable than their own tsunami of other unsubstantiated claims that have already been thrown out of courts all over the USA), and claimed that, “She is not a member of the Trump legal team. She is also not a lawyer for the president in his personal capacity.” Unfortunately for their Decepticon-in-Chief’s dream of a second term, the courts believe all their claims to be unbelievable.

 

“One medium (Ms.)step for womankind”

Yes, last year’s super bowl of giant steps for womankind was scuttled by a wardrobe malfunction. When planning their first ever all-female spacewalk, the galactic geeks running NASA, although well versed in math, quantum physics and string theory, failed to account for an unwritten law of ladies’ fashion. One of the women was a late scratch due only to the fact that two women could not go out wearing the same outfit. Oh well, live and learn… if nothing else, now they will understand where Shania Twain is coming from when she sings, “Okay, so you’re a rocket scientist, that don’t impress me much.”

“The (bottom) line on sand has been drawn, and people are dying”

Next to water, sand is the 2^nd he most consumed natural resource on the planet. A South African entrepreneur, two Indian villagers, and a Mexican environmental activist were only a few examples of persons murdered for crossing the line on sand. Supply and demand is such that Dubai, a city that sits on the edge of a massive desert, has to import sand from Australia even as “China has likely used more sand this decade than the United States did in the entire 20th Century.”

“No Shit?! No wonder American scientists all flush with pride”

Researchers at Penn State University say they have created an ultra-slippery toilet coating that prevents shit from sticking to the bowl. If their claim that “the fresh water used to flush the world’s toilets each day is six times Africa’s total consumption” is also no shit, their discovery could “save vast quantities of water around the world.”

“I’m not a baby… wait a minute why can’t island this deal? Wah!”

The Dodder cancels his state visit to Denmark. When their “nasty” Prime Minister calls his offer to buy Greenland absurd, he takes his ball and his glove and stays home.

“California’s Terminator is real”

No, I am not referring to Arnold. A robot rolls into a California hospital room and tells a 97 year-old cancer patient that he is terminal and asks if he would like a morphine drip to make his termination more livable.

“Talabama, USA”

Alabama passed the strictest abortion law in the America, in a year that would see countless other conservative states racing to pass anti-abortion laws that were only moderately less restrictive.

Quote from the Archives: “The world holds two classes of men—intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence.”    — Abu’l-Ala-Al-Ma’arri (Syrian philosopher/poet, 973-1057)

Ironically, the beliefs of one of the greatest minds of the golden age of Islam was at loggerheads with the religious fanatics of today who will kill anyone (including themselves) in their attempts to return to that golden age.

“There was no Bikini At’oll… but she sure could cook”

A hot Virgin_ian biochemist made quite a be-spectacle of herself as she  cooked up a storm on stage enroute to her winning this year’s Miss America contest. Explosive? Maybe. Hard to swallow? Probably, but I would definitely opt to skip the dishes with this one.

“Nothing to see here folks, move along”

It would be more than a no holds barred match when the world’s most notorious rivalry spills over into the world’s most popular game. A hard fought soccer match between North and South Korea was played(?) in an empty North Korean stadium to no fans, no journalists, and no score.

In a related story: America’s Dear Leader is booed on World (Series) Stage   

The Dodder is booed and berated with chants of “Lock Him Up” when his attendance is announced at game 5 of the World Series.  He and his posse still manage to manufacture fake smiles secure in the knowledge that they will be able to write this off as just one more example of fake boos.  Asked why he opted to break tradition by not throwing out the first pitch, he said, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” 

“A battery of Silicon Valley lawsuits spring from a technicality”

The families of dead and injured child miners in the Democratic Republic of the Congo are suing Apple, Google, Tesla, Microsoft and other tech firms on allegations they are knowingly profiting from the proceeds of children labouring in deadly work-conditions.  DR Congo accounts for 60% of the world’s supply of cobalt, the mineral used to produce the lithium-ion batteries for electric cars, laptops and smartphones.

“Look! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s bumper stars”

Space X launches 120 satellites that are designed to enhance our internet access.  These represent the initial phases of a planned mega-constellation of 12,000 Starlink satellites that is expected to be completed over the next few years.  Add another 3200 satellites that Amazon plans to launch into orbit for essentially the same reason and things may be looking up for internet users.  Although they are running into flak from stargazers everywhere, this reporter believes there are (and now will be astronomically more) naval gazers with access to more screen-time everywhere so who will have time to look up anymore. As the year draws to a close, a Japanese company is betting lots will look up when it launches a satellite designed to release enhanced firework displays from space.

“Another environmental Catch 22 that probably won’t leave anyone (breathing easier)”

In a breathtaking news release, British scientists announce that asthma inhalers are contributing to global warming and the further depletion of our ozone layer. To add context (if not fuel) to our latest environmental chicken/egg dilemma, the annual CO2 produced by one person’s inhaler can be as much as 400kg, which is roughly the equivalent of 20% of what you or I produce annually when we drive our car 18,000 km (or that which is produced over the lifetime of 20 chickens or 1470 eggs).

“Now that screwing around at the office is OK, you better not F#!@ with our pensions”

French courts rule that a company must compensate the family of a man who had a heart attack while having sex with a stranger during his business trip.  It is now both legal and pensionable to screw around on company time. It’s no wonder French streets are on fire as everyone (including their police force) is busy protesting the French president’s attempts to F#!@ with their pension rules.

“Electrifying Development in US/China Trade War”

As other tech companies scramble to move production out of China in order to avoid US trade tariffs,  Tesla’s Model 3 electric cars start rolling off it’s Chinese assembly line. Apparently Elon is betting that in the years to come there will be more Chinese than Americans who can afford his $50,000 cars.  So far, only Tesla employees at his Shanghai plant have purchased any of the vehicles.

“Canadian marijuana windfall did not go up in nearly enough (of the right kind of) smoke”

The Government’s high priced consultants were clearly very high last year when they came up with sales estimates of C$4.34 billion.  As at the end of July sales were just breaking C$500 million and there was little hope of pushing sales nearly enough to pick up the slack.

“Tanking automobile think tank banks on tanks to make their industry great again”

Detroit automakers anchor their plan to combat sinking profits by focussing their production on pickup trucks and SUVs proving that, although some people drink from the fountain of logic, the Detroit automakers prefer to gargle.  

 

“Australian life guards applauded for just droning it in”

 While immersed in a training exercise Australian lifeguards use their new toy to respond to a call for help.    

 

“His blindsight is 20/20 when it comes to intelligence”

America’s Naysayer-in-Chief continues to defy intelligence (…and intelligence reports).

 

“Now even Germany is agassed with VW’s assault on human decency (and humans).

They’re baaaack! Volkswagen and their other German automaker brethren are no longer monkeying around in an attempt to debunk concerns about the health effects of diesel emissions.  German authorities are fuming after reports that the automakers are now subjecting monkeys and men (women too) to diesel exhaust tests.

 

“Boldly parking where no man has parked before”

Elon Musk proves that not even the sky is the limit for how far a true visionary may need to look before he can find that perfect parking spot. SpaceX uses the world’s largest rocket (his Falcon Heavy) to launch Elon’s Tesla roadster into that big parking space in the sky.  As I type his roadster is still circling somewhere between Earth and Mars and it is expected to continue in that holding pattern for many millions of years.

 

“Robot flips out in burger joint”

A restaurant in California had to terminate their robot after its first day of employment when it became apparent that Artificial Intelligence was not yet smart enough for the mindless task of flipping burgers in a fast food establishment.

 

“Smart Cars Dumb People – The Key to Stupidity”

An Ontario woman accidentally steals a car and goes on two week vacation courtesy of the latest not-so smart keyless ignitions.

 

“Russian President Putin deems Fox News to be the West’s best alternative to his own state-run news agency” 

On the heels of public outrage in America over their president’s performance at the US-Russia summit in Helsinki, Russian President Vladimir Putin (the global poster boy for fair and balanced transparency) grants an exclusive post-summit western news interview to Fox News in lieu of his state-owned TASS news agency/propaganda machine.

 

“Intercontinental football fanaticism escalatoring to Cold War”

US/Soviet relations sink to new lows in what can only be described as a broken arms (and legs) race to the bottom.  Shortly after Clemson University football fans crash through a floor while celebrating their school’s victory, intercontinental sports fanaticism escalators when drunken European football (a.k.a. soccer) fans are Russian to show how low they can go.

 

“Moscow russian to convince world that spies are people too”

Putin calls two men accused of being Russian spies who used a nerve agent to attempt to murder a Russian defector and his daughter in England, “ordinary citizens”. They call themselves “ordinary tourists”.  What can I say?  It’s situation normal in Russian politics.

 

“Doesn’t anyone want put the owe in Olympics?”

 Calgary (Canada) became the 20^th city to say thanks but no thanks to an opportunity to host the 2026 Winter Olympics.

 

“Why sush-I  be worrying about trivial things like global warming and mercury poisoning?”

This year we learned that deep-sea bacteria are quickly consuming the Titanic.  Because they eat about 180kg (400lbs) a day, scientists have given the wreck a waning life expectancy of “…20 to 50 more years”.  If it takes 1 day for those microbes to eat 400lbs of titanic steel, how long before all those 40lb drums of toxic waste that have been legally (and now illegally) dumped off the coasts of Canada and the US have laid waste to our fish stocks?  Is it time to kiss our maths goodbye?

 

“Because when it comes to love boats, size matters.”

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines launched the world’s biggest, if not sexiest love boat this year.  The 1188 foot, 18 story Symphony of the Seas houses 5,518 guests, a crew of 2,200 and 2 robot bartenders.

 

“Just another tanked drunk for the drunk tank”

A National Guardsman was charged with a DUI after he liberated an armoured vehicle from his base and led more than a dozen police cruisers on a two hour medium-high speed chase through the busy streets of Richmond, Virginia.   Meanwhile in California, a less driven group of tanked suspects have not been so difficult to pull over.

 

“Wile E. President pulls pin on mutual global destruction”

Convinced that global warming is a lie propagated by Chinese scientists who are smarter than everyone else in the world except him, The Dodder withdraws America from the Paris Climate Accord in an attempt to make America great again by ensuring that its rivers, lakes, and air can become every bit as polluted as those of China. Is this the beginning a Coal War?  Is it Curtains for mankind?

 

“Latest pole on global warming is split”

A month after The Dodder pulls America out of Paris Climate Accord, a giant, trillion tonne iceberg the size of Prince Edward Island broke away from Antarctica.  

 

“Apple high on global iddiction”

Apple reports record profits as iddicts everywhere are forming longer lines than a Columbian drug czar to get their latest iPhone fix. The iPhone X boasts such innovations as a larger price tag than any other phone on the market.

Bonus: Gift Ideas for those who are really, really high on keeping up with the Phones.

       

“A bug of a different feather”

Although botanists and experts of all kinds are unable to explain why Australian cockatoo’s have taken to eating their fibre optic cables, any march hare (not already flattened on today’s high-speed info highway) might suggest that their internet service, that is currently ranked 50^th in the world, might just be for the birds.

 

“Politics make estranged bedfellows in Kenya”

Kenyan men face ellectile dysfunction, when their women are encouraged to deny them sex until they register to vote in the cumming election.  Alas, an unusual trist to get-out-the-vote proves no match for the usual irregularities in the current regime’s management of the election process.

 

“The road to robocolips is depraved with bad inventions”

The idea that Robotics can enable strange bedfellows is disgust on the heels of a report entitled, “Our Sexual Future with Robots.”

 

“Europeans lettuce know that food shortages are not just a 3^rd world problem.”

Europe is feeling the Spain when a combination of flooding, cold weather and poor light levels in southern Europe create poor vegetable growing conditions.  Fast forward to the end of the year and Spain sprouts rebellion akin to those experienced when food shortages in the Middle East consumed a number of garden variety dictators.       

 

 “A little Bit goes a long way in 2017”

 The value of a Bitcoin overtook gold ($1,233) for the first time in March. Not bad for something that was valued at .08¢ when it was first introduced in 2010.  But wait, there’s more! By year end, the value of one bitcoin surpasses $13,000.  Some believe attempts to get money out of china are every bit to blame.

“North Korea declares war on the South China Sea”

Kim Jong un fails to turn the tides despite launching a bouquet of successful missile attacks on the deep blue sea.

“You go girl_illa art”

 Life imitates art as New York’s Fearless Girl statue, a piece of gorilla art designed to draw attention to corporate gender inequality, was the first instalment in a year that would see more than a few old boys fall as her real world sisters stand up to say, “me to”, I’m not afraid to speak out against your bull (past and present).

 

“Come fly the friendly skies with us (but not today)”

 Their skies may be friendly but a 69 year old doctor learned that US Airlines are not so friendly on the ground.

 

“The mother of all bombs”

One month after the Americans put paid to an IS stronghold with one very Big Bang the _Islamic _State responds by attacking western moms and their daughters at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England.

 

 “China retaliates to South Korean maneuvers with a weapon of mass consumption”

America defends its ally with the surreptitious threat of unleashing their astonishingly expensive arsenal of military might, but action speaks louder than words when China openly attacks South Korea with an astonishingly expensive travel embargo.  Advantage China.

 

“While cooler heads Wanna Cry, one nerd saves the world”

When a global ransomware virus called WannaCry has corporations, their security gurus, and countless other computer owners living up to its name, a vacationing security blogger stops the virus in its tracks with some old-fashioned analysis and $10.69.

 

“Friends, frauds, what’s the diff as long as they like us?”

 Google & Facebook are taken for $100 million in a phishing scam.

 

“Go go gadget world domination”

Some profess our gadgets are better than China’s after Google’s AlphaGo Artificial Intelligence program sweeps Ke Jie, the reigning world champion of Go.

  

“Google reads the writing on the wall and stops reading the writing in your Gmail” 

Google stops eavesdropping on persons sending email via their Gmail service.  Its one small victory (in principle) on a year that will be remembered for its leaks, cyberattacks and some of histories most astounding exposures of personal data.

 

“Solving the hard issues is child’s play when you can China light on the root of all evil.”

While the west is twiddling thumbs over an opiate crisis, smart phone consumerism, social introversion and lagging productivity, a Chinese internet giant voluntarily restricts children to 1 hour on their video games. In a related but less proactive story, we learn that an 18 year-old Chinese boy dies two days after his concerned parents check him into a “boot camp” for the treatment of internet and gaming addiction.  Doctors report that he sustained more than 20 external injuries, as well as several internal injuries.

 

“US Navy task force struggling to keep their eye-eyes on task”

17 sailors die in three separate collisions between US warships and commercial shipping over a four month stretch in the South China and Japan Seas.

 

“Official US presidential news agency accused of censorship and crimes against free speech”

The Dodder finds himself in court (again) when plaintiffs accuse him of violating their First Amendment right to free speech and suppressing dissent in a public forum when he blocks them on his Twitter account which his aides consider a source of “official statements by the president of the United States”.

Related Quote: “This weekend only! Aside from the nuclear fallout, these tweets will be Trump’s most lasting legacy.”

— a Daily Show tweet announcing the opening of their Donald Trump Twitter Museum  

 

“The Saudi’s get their knickers in a knot over one woman’s mini transgression”

Costumes collide when there is a mini meltdown in Saudi Arabia after a model posts a video of herself walking down the street in a mini-skirt and crop top.  Elsewhere France is accused of a civil rights foul when they enact legislation refusing driver licenses for Muslim women who won’t show their face in the photo; whereas, the same Muslim women in Saudi Arabia are not, by law, allowed to drive a car.

  

“Stiff competition for Viagra and Cialis screw NFL TV revenues”

The National Football League declares soft returns from TV revenue which they are struggling to get up as a result of a decision by Viagra and Cialis to cancel their Erectile Dysfunction ads due to the stiff competition they are experiencing from generic versions that are popping up everywhere now that their patents have expired.

 

“French fashion models no longer have to take it all off”

 The French fashion industry is threatened with heavy fines if their models do not weigh at least as much as the cloths they are wearing.

 

“Johnson & Johnson experiences rash of lawsuits over baby powder”

Johnson & Johnson is under atTalc for allegations that their baby powder has caused ovarian cancer in some women. They plan to appeal a jury’s award of damages amounting to $417 million for the latest plaintiff in California. There may be as many as 2000 more cases pending in courts around the country.

 

“As easy as ABC (times a billion)”

Chinese researchers perform the world’s first successful operation to remove disease from a human embryo by correcting one single error out of the three billion “letters” of its genetic makeup.

 

 “It’s all fun and games until someone loses their shirt”

Sears and Toys R Us file for bankruptcy in a year that saw US store closures reaching levels.  By some estimates, 25% of U.S. malls could close within the next five years. Department stores have shed 46% of their workers since 2001, a greater percentage of their jobs than coal mines or factories have lost over the same period.

 

“Flagging popularity for America’s athletic supporter in chief”

The Dodder is not groin to stand for persons who choose to kneel during the national anthem as he fans the flames of divisive insurrection with invective attacks against professional athletes and their peaceful “take a knee” demonstrations against racism and police brutality.  Nobody knows what color his glasses were when he was watching “…very closely, much more closely than you people watched it,” a violent mob of torch wielding racists marching under many enemy (confederate) flags. That he described as, “people protesting very quietly”.

 

“The best way to avoid expensive leaks Is to stay on shore.”

Although no-one is surprised to learn that the richest of the richest (and their political pets) are dodging the tax man via sketchy offshore investments; the real story here is what wasn’t said. The Dodder wasn’t Russian to launch any of his signature rants against those unpatriotic sons of bitches.   

“Middle Eastern Men Go Nuts Around Cologne”

The year opened with reports out of Germany of bold and sometimes terrible assaults perpetrated on women by men of North African and Middle Eastern origin during public New Year celebrations in Cologne’s streets.

 

“Families Forced to Flee from Fort McFiery”

No lives were lost as the entire population of the Fort McMurray, a Canadian city of 90,000, was hastily evacuated from the path of a massive wildfire that was dubbed, “The Beast”.  The fire which was at times reaching temperatures of 1000 degrees C, claimed almost 2,000 structures in a matter of hours and caused at least $3.6 billion in damage making it the most expensive disaster in Canadian history. Having already burned 589,552 hectares (1,456,810 acres) it is now the 3^rd largest Canadian forest fire on record. Six months after it sent the population of Fort McMurray fleeing, the wildfire is still burning.

    

“Canadian Dream is Stone-wall^ooned by another French Minority”

In a year when globalization has been taking its oompah loompas from multiple quarters, the Canadian Trade Minister goes willie wonkers when Wallonia, a small French speaking province in Belgium, almost skittles Canada’s hopes for a free trade deal with the European Union.  At the risk of candy-coating this story s’more, the Walloons were attempting to stand guard for thee and everyone else because they believe that once the treaty is ratified only a multi-national corporation would be able to pre-side over disagreements between two or more member states.

 

“Canadian Coast Guard is Tu-be on Look-Out for More American Boat People”

In August, 1500 American tubers land in Sarnia, Ontario.  Although they claim they were blown off course, Canadian authorities suspect they were participating in a “not-so-dry” run of their contingency escape plan should the wrong  presidential candidate win their election.  Regardless, additional resources are expected tu-be “pumped” into Canadian border services to combat an “over-inflated” state of desperation south of the border.

Ref: http://www.macleans.ca/news/1500-rafters-rescued-after-windy-port-huron-float-down/

 

“Electile Dysfunction (or Trumpthings Wrong Down There Doc)”

Unbelievable! I wouldn’t have believed it unless I sawed it myself. The Psychology Today magazine has already begun tracking a new strain of PTSD that they have dubbed Post Trump Stress Disorder.

Ref: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psych-unseen/201611/understanding-post-trump-stress-disorder

 

“Pokémon Go all Terminator on Our Masses”

A new game for smart phones called Pokémon GO is all the rage as everyone everywhere is going out of their way in an attempt to catch them all.  It’s not all fun and games though.  Although I cannot confirm or deny that any eyes have been lost, there have been a few reported Pikachu-tings with no less than 12 deaths and 53 serious game related injuries making headlines around the world.

 

“Sky Nets First Victim”

While on the subject of terminators, the Tesla S (for Skynet?) claimed its first victim when it autonomously careened though a truck trailer.  Tesla speculated that, “against a bright spring sky, the car’s sensor system failed to distinguish a large white 18-wheel truck and trailer crossing the highway.”  Earlier in the year one of Google’s self-driving Lexus SUVs drove into the side of a bus at low speed. Cyberbots start your engines. Let the robocalypse begin.

Related Stats:

– This was the first known fatality in just over 130 million miles of Tesla driving with autopilot activated. Among all normal vehicles in the US, there is a fatality every 94 million miles. Worldwide, there is a fatality approximately every 60 million miles.

– A University of Michigan Transportation Research Institute study published in October 2015 found that, per million miles traveled, self-driving cars had a higher crash rate than traditional cars; however, at the time of the study, no self-driving cars had ever been found at fault for the crashes they were involved in.

 

“Drone Forget to Look Up… Waaay Up”

While on the subject of SkyNets, a British firm has developed a net-launching anti-drone bazooka.  No coincidence, given that this was the year that: 1) drones were figuratively (if not diabolically) flying off the shelves over the Christmas season; 2) Amazon made it’s first official delivery using a drone; and 3) a Canadian passenger jet’s flight crew sustained minor injuries when it had to perform an evasive maneuver at 10,000 feet to avoid what they thought was a drone.  

 

“X Parks the Spot”

 Elon Musk’s Space X successfully landed with precision accuracy on a drone ship at sea not once but 4 times (plus twice on Land).  Several remarkable steps for reusable rockets and one might even say that, in nailing those landings, he has delivered one more nail in the coffin of what we used to call SciFi space travel.

 

“What blows up, can’t come down”

 Seven was not Elon’s lucky number.  When endeavouring to complete another big deal (without a big-splash), the Space X rocket exploded before take-off.  No earthlings died but lots of Facebook (if not face) was definitely lost. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg indicated that he disliked losing the pricy $200 million Facebook communications satellite that was aboard.

 

“Dumb Waiters & Other Questionable Logic from a People’s Republic”

China, which boasts the world’s largest human workforce, is investing heavily in robotics designed to replace those workers.  Foxconn, a supplier to Apple and Samsung has reportedly replaced 60,000 workers in one factory with robots.  More companies are expected to follow their lead.  Meanwhile, two of three restaurants that introduced robotic waiters in the city of Guangzhou have gone out of business while the third has fired their robots.

 

“Ironic State is Losing their Faith, their War, and Allah their Pretentions of Moral High Ground”  

A column of not-so brave (or true Muslim) Ironic State gangsters flee Manbij confident that although Allah is probably not inclined to intervene on their behalves, they can rely on faith in the fact that Allah and the maniacally, murderous soldiers of the Great Satan will opt to save the lives of their human shield of Muslim women and children.  Elsewhere we find that our ironic f_riends are not so adverse to gunning down Muslim women, children and anyone else that attempts to flee their territory.

 

“Canadian Women do Rio Well at the Games” 

Our women (and one 13-year-old show jumping mare) won 17 of Canada’s 22 Medals but this is not surprising when the vast majority of today’s men tend to be more inclined to perform their fast twitch muscle repetitions with a gaming console in their laps as opposed to doing laps.

“Creepy Clowns! What Creepy Clowns?”

Authorities assured us that there was nothing to fear from a wave of creepy clown sightings across North America. Most people didn’t even notice with all the other clowns popping up around (and on the podium) in those yuckbiquitous political leadership races that dominated the news on both sides of the border.

(Hurting) Headitor’s note:  Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my ^wrec_kollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy.  You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.

 

Western defence analysts thrown into a pandamonium of kungfusion

China, the most populous country in the world, with the largest army, and a policy of one child per human couple announces that they have artificially bred not one but fourteen “Giant” Panda cubs.  Analysts fear, these cute giants may be used to further infiltrate and destabilize western economies (See my 2012 story ” Canadian Prime Minister’s giant attempt at pandaring to the Chinese loses lots in translation) and/or be used to seed the ranks of China’s already giant army with truly giant Kung Fu trained super-soldiers fuelled on a steady diet of performance enhancing drugs.

 

There is ecstasy in Toronto city hall when their mayor strips is stripped of most of his powers. 

There is a torontial downpour of sediment as Toronto’s mayor is buried in revelations that his drunken stupors might be a problem.  After pathologizing again and  again, our latest Canadian hero vows to seek the help he so desperately needs from therapy voters. Yes, he will take another crack at regaining his stupor powers in next year’s election.  At last report he is still flying high in the polls.

 

The golden age of internet commerce

As the price of gold is literally plummeting from USD $1,675 last year to $1,200 as at the close of 2013, the digital bitcoin experiences a virtual roller-coaster of a ride in the other direction as it rises from USD $100 last year to $1241 in November before closing the year at $808.  The bitcoin, often dubbed the currency of choice for criminals and money laundering, is digital cash for the internet that is not backed by a government or a central bank.

 

Just doing their bit for society

Coincidentally, while on the subject of exponential growth, government, criminals and money laundering, lets not forget that several Quebec mayors and Canada’s Senate found themselves in a little bit of hot water (and in some cases they had no money to buy their way out).

 

This issue that will not die is of special interest to everyone. 

Take a pill terrorism, step aside same-sex everything, move over marijuana; there’s a new obsession on the political horizon.  After a B.C. Court of Appeals killed a previous court ruling allowing physician assisted suicide, Quebec, the province that has had some experience trying to pull the plug on confederation is now tabling their own legislation designed to legalize assisted suicide for terminal cases that prefer to die with dignity.  This is a story that is not likely to die of its own accord.   Judgement day is coming.

 

Orwell, we can always share this finely researched history of hockey.

While the rest of the free world is obsessed with securing state secrets from wikileaks, whistleblowers, and wiretaps, Canada’s ruling Conservative Party  continues to fret over the possibility that any of our scientists might share environmental information with the taxpayers that fund their research.  Stories of crippling  layoffs, inquisitional censorship and KGBish media shadows for federal scientists as well as over 900 “special” Revenue Canada audits on non-profit environmental groups have prompted Democracy Watch to submit a complaint to Canada’s Information Commissioner.  see: http://www.watershedsentinel.ca/content/harpers-war-science

 Related Quote:  “This government has abandoned evidence-based policy making to pursue its own brand of policy-based evidence-making.”

— Megan Leslie, Member of Parliament

 

 Drone like the delivery guy?  Buy Amazon?

Shock and awe everywhere when Amazon unveils their plan for delivery by drone.  Although they acknowledged that their plan is still not bulletproof, it is the opinion of this analyst that their drones had better be if they are ever going to survive the not so friendly skies of the good old U.S. of NRA.

 

Is it time to rail on the stability of North Dakota Bakken Crude Oil? 

Although the tragic rail disaster in Lac-Mégantic is not funny, it certainly looks like there might be something funny about the type of oil that was involved. Four months after Lac-Mégantic was portrayed by some officials as a “once-in-a-lifetime catastrophe caused by a confluence of coincidence and errors”, 90 tank cars carrying that same Bakken crude oil detonated in an Alabama swamp on Nov. 8.  Another derailment of 10 cars carrying the very same Bakken crude out of North Dakota, exploded onto the scene yesterday (December 30). Ironically, the absence of fatalities in these latter two derailments may be due to the absence of sufficient human operators to properly manage the train (which was cited as one of the causes of Lac-Mégantic’s runaway train).