“Stop making stuff and start making a difference”
— Seth Godin, Small Is the New Big [and Other Riffs, Rants, and Remarkable Business Ideas]
Tag Archive: Awards
Jan 01
Electrifying Commercial of the Year 2014
Cadillac Poolside
Cadillac stuns critics when they go all-in with their one percent’s worth on this “pardon my French (and Marie Antoinette)” TV add marketing their electric hybrid.
See Ford’s parody rebuttal here.
Related Statistic:
Source: No-vacation nation USA – a comparison of leave and holiday in OECD countries (2007)
Jan 01
Other Awards 2014
My “Aparrotly We Were Mistaken” award goes to… Australian Search & Rescue Officials.
Every morning for the better part of a month we wake up to the same Australian search and rescue spokes-mate’s assurances that they are very close to finding the final resting place of the missing Malaysian airliner’s black box.
My “Holey Royal Identity Crisis, Fatman!” award goes to… Burger King
While all eyes are on Scotland’s struggle to escape the clutches of the United Kingdom, a creepy American king sneaks in and steals Canada’s crown jewels.
Burger King is now the proud owner of Tim Horton’s.
My “Rock Paper Scissors Umbrellas, Thanks” award goes to… China.
Hong Kong protesters weathered a steady diet of tear gas and pepper spray with their umbrellas as a new not so Reddy (to call in the tanks) China reined in their desire to rain down on the dissenters’ parades.
My “We Put the NO innovation” award goes to… Apple Inc
Apple Inc engineers just phone it in when they introduce their new iPhone 6 that features a… bigger screen. Shortly after lining up to get their hands on this exciting new technical twist the new owners and, more importantly their smart phones, become bummed out when they learn they are not backside compatible.
My “Butt Wait, There’s More” award goes to… Samsung
While Apple owners are all bent out of shape, Samsung’s bottom line gets a boost when they unveil their innovative Buttbot which is specially designed to sit on their phone so you won’t have to.
My “Tallest Tail of the Year” award goes to… the European Space Agency.
ESA scientists confirmed how hard it is to find a parking spot on the run-up to Christmas when they successfully landed a space (probe) on Comet 67P (after circling around for a decade and 4 billion miles.
My “Oh Canada…What Were You Thinking Award” award goes to… Candu Energy
During PM Stephen Harper’s state visit to China, Candu Energy, a division of SNC-Lavalin inked a joint venture with China that will see their nuclear reactors built and exported from China. The Canadian Candu reactors boast one of the safest designs in the world today and after 2013’s Fukushima meltdown in Japan, all roads should now be leading to Candu. So why not offshore their production and share the design specs with a highly ethical business partner like China? On a (two negatives make a) positive note, SNC Lavalin (Candu’s parent) has a wealth of experience with scandal, corruption and working with shady dictators, so maybe this story will have a happy ending after all.
My “ What the huh award!“ award goes to… Canada’s Ruling Conservative Party
They attempt to snow the public and their veterans with carefully obfuscated press release claiming they will acknowledge our war veterans’ sacrifice with a substantial (if you overlook the insubstantial fine print saying it will be doled out as instalments over 50 years) influx of cash to cover their ongoing medical needs.
My “Ernie & Bert’s Heads of State” award goes to… N. Korean godling Kim Jong-un
Speaking of headlines…
Jan 01
Headlines you won’t see in those mainstream Year-end Reviews 2014
(Hurting) Headitor’s note: Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my wreckollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy. You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.
Old School Search & Rescue
The Royal Canadian Air Force needs to search & rescue previously loved parts from, dare I say, antiquated museum pieces to keep Canada’s ailing Search and Rescue aircraft in the air.
“The former head of military procurement, Dan Ross, says it’s embarrassing that the air force has to “cannibalize old stuff that’s in museums” to keep up its rescue planes – eight Hercules and six Buffaloes – which are apparently on their last wings. The planes respond to thousands of emergencies every year. The government has been promising since 2002 to replace the planes, but has kept putting it off to make sure it’s “getting the purchase right”, the Citizen says.”
source: BBC News from elsewhere
“Yo Fault Insurance Fuels C’monUS Manifesto“
Other western nations exhibit an unlimited supply of demands for more American military aggression by putin the blame for all of the conflict in the world last year on (12.2 millionaire) President Barack Obama’s lack of will to respond with American military might. Why didn’t he intervene after Russia’s billionaire president and his billionaire politburo cronies orchestrated the invasion of Czechoslovakia Ukrain? Why didn’t he do more to stop billionaire Middle-Eastern presidents from bombing and gassing their own people? Shouldn’t the Americans be spending more to track down the terrorists funded by billionaire middle-eastern magnate’s? Bottom Line: “Whining the War on Terror is more profitable than winning.” In the eyes of the billionaires of the world: more war = more profits; more economic sanctions = fewer billionaires.
Related Quote: “We’ll see if the Russians behave badly”
— French President François Hollande announcing they will go ahead and deliver the first of two new war ships to Russia.
“All Dreams of Freedom 45 are Kilt by the Other 55%.”
The United Kingdom skirts disaster and very nearly loses its head (or at least its highland where all of it’s brains, brawn and dreamy ladies’ romance novel characters live).
“Fine China of the Technical Kind Not Best Fit for a Moon Landing”
China takes gold for the most expensive virtual selfie’s ever snapped. After some early start-up issues, their Chang’e 3 lander and Yutu rover managed to take pictures of each other and will commence their respective science missions once their scientists overcome a “mechanical control abnormality” caused by the “complicated lunar surface environment.”
“They Won’t Bug You as Much if You Eat Them First”
Lose the lobster and shun that sushi, there’s a nouveau dining delicacy in town.
NY City chef Mario Hernandez says, “We rescue forgotten recipes from every state in Mexico and bring them to New York with a new twist. Many use insects like grasshoppers, stinkbugs, leaf-cutter ants, and mosquito eggs.”
“ Arrr! Bae, Can You Pass Me the Popcorn?”
Even as the Swedish Police finally manage to sink Pirate Bay, a replacement “pops” onto the scene. Popcorn Time, a file-sharing and streaming site, has been dubbed Netflix for Pirates. Regardless, Popular Science Magazine has identified its ability to, “instantly and easily stream a movie while the site locates and downloads the file in the background” as one of its top 100 innovations of 2014.
“Science Unravels the Mystery of Wife”
In his book, The Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload, neuroscientist and psychologist, Dr. Daniel J. Levitin referenced an“… inventory of a typical household that counted 2,260 visible objects in just the living room and two bedrooms. All that clutter creates stress—particularly in women, he says—and the release of the hormone cortisol, which, in turn, can lead to cognitive impairment, fatigue and even a suppressed immune system.”
Say…nay, buy no more.
See the whole story here.
“Thumbthing’s Wrong With This Hitcher!”
While other space programs are seeking life in the cosmos, Canadian scientists chose a road more travelled (and at the same time, redefined the concept of “thumbdrive”). Simultaneously press {Ctrl} & click here to meet Hitchbot.
Scientists are nervously racking their brains to make sense of this picture that was snapped over the course of the probe’s 3 week, 6000km journey. Is there intelligent life out there? You be the judge.
“Franklin My Dear, Search & Rescue Isn’t What It Used To Be.
Canada established the gold standard for search and rescue efforts in the past year when they “found” the wreckage of “one” of two Franklin expedition vessels that have been missing for 166 years. Meanwhile, there is still no sign of two missing airliners that disappeared last year and we are not sure if anyone is looking for the growing number of Nigerian school girls (330 at last count) that have been abducted.
“Canada Not Viking the Danes’ Refusal to Lego Our North Pole”
Denmark formally laid claim to the North Pole on the grounds (albeit mostly under water) that it is attached to Greenland’s continental shelf by a ridge that is roughly 20 times the size of Denmark. The ultimate owner will be decided by a United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea tribunal.
“An Apple Per Diem Keeps the Obstetrician Away”
Apple & FaceBook innovate gender equality by offering to pay their female employees the cost of freezing their eggs in order to allow them to pursue their careers. The jury is still out on whether anyone will “like” this announcement.
Jan 01
Story of the Year 2013
US Republican Party brinksmanship brinks the world to brink of yet another financial meltdown.
Unable to defeat the US Democratic Party’s Health Care legislation democratically or legally, the Republican Party decides extortion might be the answer. They shut the US government machine down and send all federal civil servants home without pay for 16 days (and nudge the world to brink of economic collapse). Everyone is now back to normal which in government-speak means nobody agreed to anything, nothing gets done and the problem will be deferred in the hope that it will take care of itself. Stay tuned for part douche of this cliff-hanger when it comes around again in February of 2014. Even if those crazy Republicans still have a leg to stand on by then, legs won’t help if they continue to shoot themselves in the foot. Regardless, they will have a health plan to staunch those wounds. Disclaimer: Although some animals might have been affected by the closure of the Washington National Zoo (the real one, not Congress), I can assure you that no congressmen lost any salary as a result of this story.
Jan 01
Statistic of the Year 2013
Just how bad are our national debt levels?
For a more in depth discussion see the BBC article, How bad are US debt levels?
Jan 01
Feel Good Story of the Year 2013
Lawyer Beware!
The Law of Supply and Demand is the one law that 90,000 practicing Canadian Lawyers discover they cannot circumvent. Law Schools north and south of the border are curtailing enrollment and laying off professors.
Honourable mention: Christianity Rocks!
Thousand Foot Krutch, one of the best rock bands in the world today, plays a small venue, first come first serve, Christian rock concert at a local Bible church complex in Ottawa. Although Thing 1 and I are unable to make it into the main hall, I leave satisfied that I may have attended the only gathering of any kind, let alone a gathering of heavy metal rock fans, where there is no evidence of drugs, alcohol, or […are you sitting down?…] tattoos on any of the thousands of men, women or children present.
Jan 01
Re-run of the Year 2013
Prime Minister Harper drops the gloves in defense of his Ottawa Senators.
No, this is not a hockey story…or is it? In response to trash talk from the opposition and, perhaps in defense of the cronies of questionable character he appointed to the “Great Senaten” he had so often promised to eliminate, the PM counters his opponents’ ritual attempt to wedgie the sweater over his baby blues, with a ritual of his own. He prorogues parliament (a.k.a. invoking a cut and run strategy). Coincidentally (or maybe in deference to his becoming the first PM to score a hat trick in the arena of dodging controversy by proroguing Parliament) the PM takes the additional month of paid leave he has granted himself (and his Minister of “Government employees are abusing their sick leave”) to publish his book on the history of hockey. Call it hypocrisy, hockey, or coincidence but, there can be no denying that, after smearing his Liberal opponent in the last election as an arrogant, eyebrow auteur – hypocrite who was apparently, therefore, unfit to run a country, our incumbent PM may have finally outed himself as another arrogant, albeit lowbrow auteur – hypocrite.
Jan 01
Sleeper Story of the Year 2013
Communisn’t (what it used to be)
There are at least 83 billionaires in China’s parliament. Not bad for the world’s largest communist country where approximately 800 million (of 1.35 billion) Chinese live on less than $15 a day and where the average per capita income is approximately $9,100. Meanwhile in America, the world’s largest capitalist economy with an average per capita income of roughly $49,800, there are no billionaires in Congress. (Ref: How Communist Can China Be With All Those Billionaires? )
Runner Up: Disabled America: where work is for suckers
Almost 10% of working-age Americans are on disability. One reporter located a county in Alabama (pop. 15,388) where nearly 1 in 4 working-age adults are on disability.
Jan 01
Innovation of the Year
Some other promising new inventions were unveiled but this is perhaps the one that will impact most ordinary people. This shock absorber will convert your bumpy ride into electricity. If your roads are anything like mine, this just might be the precursor to perpetual motion or, at the very least, the free ride we have all been waiting for.