(Hurting) Headitor’s note: Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my wreckollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy. You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.
“Frankly France, Why Don’t You Give a Damn?”
It’s déjà vu all over again in France. A terrorized trainload of Frenchmen sit and watch while three American passengers and an Englishman act to disarm a heavily armed muchaguylunatic. French train staff apparently entered a private cabin and locked it when they heard gunshots, leaving the passengers alone. One French actor was lightly wounded breaking glass to sound the alarm. He said, “I thought it was the end, that we were going to die, that he was going to kill us all… I really could see us all dying because we were all prisoners in that train, it would have been impossible to escape from that nightmare.”
Ironic Darwinian Twist: Faced with a situation where they were locked in and therefore unable to run, a trainload of Frenchmen appeared to prefer to sit and watch the enemy load and aim as opposed to fighting.
“Free Publicity! Jail Drug Pushers CEOs!”
Turing, a US pharmaceutical company, announces a 5,000% (from $13.50 to $750 per dose) price hike on a 62-year-old medication that is already well known and in demand. The company’s CEO, a former hedge fund manager, said that the drugs production cost of $1 per pill does not include other costs like marketing and distribution, which have increased dramatically in recent years. Said CEO, is an advocate of the new controlled distribution strategy that was recently adopted as a way to thwart (cheaper) generics. In all fairness, his 5,000% hike did generate additional demand (i.e. from existing clients who are demanding more reasonable prices).
Ref: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-34320413?ocid=global_bbccom_email_22092015_top+news+stories
“A Wrap-Around App for Your Laptop”
The valley boys let it all hang out with their latest smart idea. Recognizing that some couch potatoes might be guilty of getting exercise when they loosen their belts, they devise an app for that too, because [and you need to belt this one out in the key of ZZ], “every girl’s crazy bout a smart dressed man.” The “Belty” is a smart belt buckle that will automatically adjust itself as your waistline expands. Pass the Cheetos please. Would you like fries with that?
Ref: http://www.businessinsider.com/belty-smart-belt-loosens-itself-if-you-eat-too-much-2015-1
“World Soccer Federation President Gets the Boot”
Shortly after being re-elected as head of the world soccer federation despite a legacy of well publicized scandals and bribery charges under his 17 year reign, Sepp Blatter is given the boot. Blatter late than never, but alas his interim replacement is, himself, under investigation for bribery and corruption.
Ref: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/05/27/sports/soccer/sepp-blatter-fifa-timeline.html?_r=0#/#time376_11002
“Major Broadcast TV Networks Get Taste of Reality”
The major TV networks were all but shut-out again at this year’s Television Emmy awards. NBC did, however, manage to win the award for “Best Reality Program” which begs the question: If the Emmy Awards was a Reality TV show, how long before Reality TV as a network staple would be voted off the island?
“Ypres! It’s Deja Pew All Over Again”
The US Environmental Protection Agency celebrated the 100th anniversary of the 2nd Battle of Ypres (WWI) with their discovery of yet another German gas attack. They found a “clever piece of software” in Volkswagen’s diesel Audi A3, VW Jetta, Beetle, Golf and Passat cars that can tell the cars’ computer to temporarily switch on a system to cut emissions, but only when it is being tested for emissions.
Ref: http://www.bbc.com/news/business-34311819
Related Statistic: Volkswagen’s rigging of emissions tests for 11 million cars means they may be responsible for nearly 1 million tonnes of air pollution every year, roughly the same as the UK’s combined emissions for all power stations, vehicles, industry and agriculture.
“US Presidential Hopeful Admits She Might Have Been A Little Insecure”
Hillary Clinton (eventually) admits that she was, at times, using insecure channels when handling her email while serving as US Secretary of State. Although raised in ad nausea against her during her democratic leadership debates, she seems to have survived because wouldn’t any human that is involved in foreign affairs in these troubled times feel a little insecure now and then.
“We Put the No Innovation”
In addition to amazing features like [drum roll] a stylus and, [big Chinese gong] larger screens, Apple announces a new program that will make it easier (for a small monthly fee) to upgrade to a new iPhone every year.
“China Doubles Down On Its Labour Unrest”
China’s state-run Xinhua news agency reported that China will now allow families to have two children.
Ref: http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-34666440?ocid=global_bbccom_email_30102015_magazine
“Whose Afraid of a Little Labour Unrest?”
A Chinese game show celebrated Mother’s Day with a little more Chinese labour unrest when 20 expectant fathers were challenged to undergo a simulated version of labour pain. A firefighter won the competition by managing to (briefly) survive a pain index of 80.
Ref: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/men-endure-labour-pain-simulator-5679403
“Oh Brother, Now Samsung is Singing the Virtues of 1984”
George Orwell’s dystopian classic, “1984” was not supposed to be a How to Guide, or was it. When the fine print on Samsung’s new Smart TV warned users, “…if your spoken words include personal or other sensitive information, that information will be among the data captured and transmitted to a third party…” millions of “smart-iZombies” blinked as they lined up for this latest “smart” product release. If that “brothers” the rest of you, don’t just blame Samsung, it is also an issue with Apple’s Siri, if not all other voice recognition devices. On the brighter side maybe now your favorite television hero will wake up and listen when you are trying to “yell” him to look out or, at least, stop yapping (because Big Brother is listening) and just shoot the psycho!
Ref: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/technology/tech-news/smart-tv-eavesdropping-on-you-its-not-the-only-one/article22880424/
“Some Might Mecca Case for Divine Dissatisfaction”
While some Muslim fanatics are busy visiting death and terror around the world in the name of Allah, back at home 2,411 devout Muslims are crushed to death during their annual pilgrimage to Mecca. Two weeks earlier, on September 11 (the anniversary of the 9/11 terror attack on the World Trade towers) another 111 were crushed when a crane working on Mecca’s Grand Mosque collapsed.
Ref: http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2015/12/11/hajj-stampede-death-toll-rises-to-2411.html
“The World is Becoming All Shook Up (and not just by earthquakes)”
Although not yet a “hunka burning love”, American President Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro made nice, not once, but twice in 2015. Diplomatic relations between the two countries were restored for the first time since 1961. Meanwhile the presidents of China and Taiwan “shook things up” in Singapore in what amounts to the first time the heads of state in those countries have met and shook hands since 1949.
