Tag Archive: Awards

Our “Bottled Courage” award goes to Vibe the Waves rowing crew

Although they may have been tipsy at times, these three ladies involved in a transatlantic race called, The World’s Toughest Row, managed to stay out of the drink when they used their champagne bottle to plug an extreme case of the marlinstral flow.  They overcame their shared period of unease to finish the race  in 48 days, 13 hours, and 53 minutes.

Our “Snaking Through Traffic” award goes to an Australian Woman

After finding one of the world’s most venomous snakes crawling up her leg, she had to slither and weave through traffic on a busy highway before coming to a stop and extrICKating herself from the cold-hearted snake’s unwelcome advances. She’ila be looking under the front seat as well as in the back before stepping into her car from now on.

Our “Give Your Head a Slapp” award goes to Republicans

America’s litigious Bully Boy-in-Chief was slapped with a court order to pay $400,000 to cover the legal expenses of NY Times reporters that he tried to bully into shutting up with what was deemed by the court to be a strategic lawsuit against public participation (SLAPP). Of course, the sheeple following Mr. I’m the Victim Here are convinced their anti-elite hero could never be guilty of this application of anti-SLAPP laws designed to prevent the rich elite from silencing critics by intimidation and the heavy burden of legal costs to prove their innocence of frivolous charges.

Our “Same Shit, Different Day” award goes to The Doh!nald

Later that same month in a different case and courtroom, it only took a couple hours for a jury of our peerless zero’s [non-whack-job loving rabble] to “whack” him with a defamation damage settlement that amounted to a “whack” of money ($83.3M) to encourage him to end his ongoing verbal abuse of E. Jean Carrol.

Our “Most Appealing Person in America” award goes to The Doh!nald

America’s Most Appealing Person-in-Chief continues to trumpet the injustice of expecting justice from any jury requiring 12 of his peers when he is clearly peerless if not soooo much better than everyone else in the world.

Our “Toilet Bowel of Despair” award goes to a SpiceJet passenger 

After being trapped in an airplane lavatory for over an hour on India’s favourite air carrier, this man suffered the further indignity of being instructed (in writing) by the stewardess to not forget put the toilet seat down before landing.  An engineer (perhaps a Boing door specialist?) was required to finally evacuate our embarrassed, butt not flushed, hero from his cramped stool.

Our “Seat of Your Pants” award goes to Michael Roy

This New Brunswick man walked away a little paler after he literally survived impalement by the seat of his pants.

Our “Ashley Madison Affairs” award goes to Global Affairs Canada

Canada’s foreign affairs were an open book of world class public transparency for about a month. Apparently departmental employees prone to stepping out (to work from home) might not pose the most secure operating environment when dealing with sensitive affairs. Alas, in the absence of (and/or pending) a reliably salacious bare all Netflix docudrama, the full magnitude of exposure vis a vis the Affairs of Canada may never be known.

Our “Sign of the Times” award goes to DC Meltdown

Climate is not the only thing that’s changing or so Honest Abe seemed to say as he preslided over in Washington, DC while the rest of America continued it’s slide from melting pot to unmitigated meltdown.

Our “Denial is a River in Mexico” award goes to President Joe Biden

During a surprise news briefing, when he effectively railed about a judge’s description of him being a “sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory,” America’s Old Boy-In-Chief would later manage to ineffectively refer to Egypt’s President as the President of Mexico (Hey, cut him some slack, Mexico has pyramids too).

Our “False Flag Lifetime Achievement” award goes to Vlad the Influencer

Vladimir (I Cannot Tell a Lie) Putin, gave Joe Biden’s presidential bid a ringing endorsement over his fan boy on the Repugnican ticket when asked by one of his state-controlled interviewers who he would rather see win the upcoming presidential elections in America. This was either a bald-faced effort to get “his guy” elected; or the first time in the history of every word that has ever come out the Russian President’s head that he has not denied, denied, denied involvement in everything bad that has been attributed to him long enough to share his true feelings.

Our “Sleeping Dogs Lie” award goes Bobi  

Shortly after the world’s oldest dog (not running for the Oval Office) was lied to rest, he became both gone and forgotten (two traits that are common with many old dogs) when the Guinness Book of World Records accused him of lying all along and stripped him of that dog gone record.

My “Bigger is Better Porn” award goes to Hump Backs Humping

It’s a sign of the times when the first footage of humpbacks humping turns out to be these big boys having a gay old time whaling away at each other.  Is this the beginning of the end for another endangered species or just a bromance of epic proportion?

Our “Perverted Loophole” award goes to Porn Hub

The internet porn site is challenging Europe’s attempt to use its new Digital Services Act to make their platform introduce stricter age verification requirements.  Porn Hub claimed that this was a twisted, abuse of the new law because they are only trafficking fewer than the 45 million European users per month.

Our “Asleep at the Wheel” award goes to two Indonesian pilots

Both pilots on an Indonesian passenger aircraft with 153 passengers aboard fell asleep for 28 minutes mid-flight.

Our “Not Screwed” award goes to Boeing

Three high-ranking Boeing executives were shown the door after an airplane door blows out mid flight.  Alas, like that door that was missing four bolts, Boeing did not really screw their CEO either when you consider he was subsequently voted a $33 Million pay package, the largest in Boeing history.

Related Story: “Locked in Space”

On the (way) upside, in the space of few months after their earlier unscrew up, Boeing’s new closed-door policy would strand 2 astronauts indoors (that were not designed by Boeing) on a space station for what could six months if not a year when Boeing’s Star-Cruiser fails to close their deal to get them there and back in just 8 days.

Hua? Wai! What do you mean the Chinese flu to save the Don when he was in dire need of bail money?

When America’s King of the “let the markets reign supreme” Conservatives and author of the Art of Negotiation failed to negotiate a loan from not one but every financial institution he appealed to for almost a half billion dollars for the legal damages that he could not afford to pay, he narrowly missed becoming the first ex-president to meet his fate at the hands of Capital(ist) Punishment. Alas, he was thrown an 11^th hour multi-billion-dollar lifeline when shareholders of Digital World Acquisition Corp (DWAC), a “blank check company” created with no specific business intent other than to engage in mergers as well as securities transactions, asset acquisitions and stock purchases, voted to merge with Trump Media which owns Truth Social. Their new company is now called Trump Media & Technology Group.  DWAC was created in 2021 with seed money procured from an investment bank headquartered in Shanghai, China.  In 2021 the CEO of DWAC was also the CEO of another “blank check company” headquartered in Wuhan (remember them), China.  Sleepers? Maybe. Strange bedfellows? Not really. This would not be the first time the Don and his kin have been in bed with the Chinese. Manchurian candidate. Presidential Candidate. What’s the difference?

Our “Playing with Firepower” award goes to U.S. Republicans

Repugnicans threw Putin (he is a rich billionaire after all) a financial lifeline by stalling a vote for funds to assist Ukraine’s war effort because they wanted to stonewall the Democrat’s attempt to also spend hundreds of millions of dollars on border wall construction.

Related Quote: Biden policies were “causing death, destruction, and chaos in every American community”

— Trump campaign.

 Meanwhile in Ukraine: The US Repugnican Party’s childish (like godfather like whoresons) brinkmanship caused real death, real destruction, and real chaos in every Ukrainian community.

Our “Forever After” award goes to American Drinking water

Between 6 to 10% of American municipalities are believed to have dangerous levels of forever chemicals in their drinking water supply. All municipalities have now been given 3 years (i.e. forever or roughly the length of time it took to complete your final exam for a university degree before universities became a business) to test their water for those toxins. After those tests, if harmful levels are found, they will be given another 5 years to reduce those levels.

Our “Apple of Your Eye” award goes to Pineapples in Spain

Spaniards pining for love took to trawling through the wine section of their grocery store with an upside-down pineapple in their shopping cart. Originally used as a code by swingers looking for other couples who might be willing to swap partners, word got out on TikTok that anyone interested in hooking up should go bottoms up in the wine section with their pineapple.

Our “Innocent Until Proven Stupid” award goes to Corey Harris.

This Michigan man joined his court hearing on camera to defend himself on charges of driving with a suspended license while he was driving. Alas Mr. Harris did not remotely stand a chance of driving his case of innocence home.

Our “Snakes on a Plane” award goes to Toronto Int’l Airport

The jig was up (and foreign sushi stocks plummeted) when Toronto’s largest airport netted their richest ever haul of slippery stowaways.  Yes, the air was electric when authorities seized an eelegal cargo of what, at $5,000 per kilogram, is shockingly Canada’s most valuable fish by weight — exponentially more than lobsters ($40/kg), scallops ($36/kg) or salmon ($171/kg), combined.  

Our “Best Military Training Film” goes to a tank in S. Carolina

When you think you’re the baddest ass on tracks it’s important to remember that, when it comes to tracked vehicles, you should always be careful your ass is on the right track.

Our “Artificial Indolence” award goes to the Mouse Jiggler

The sales and popularity of this annoying little creature that artificially mimics mouse activity on an employee’s digital hamster-wheel has many managers of the home office crowd all shook up. Alas, the jig may be up now that the wheels fell off at Wells Fargo, for some of those employees who weren’t banking on just how far their bosses were willing to go to build a better mousetrap.

Our “Sergeant Schultz Plausible Deniability” award goes to Pierre Poilievre

The leader of Canada’s Conservative Party, a chronic muckraker known for getting up into everyone else’s business – be it fact or fiction, was the only Canadian party leader who opted to, “see nothing, hear nothing” vis a vis an unredacted foreign interference intelligence report naming past and/or present members of parliament who have knowingly provided help to foreign governments, some to the detriment of Canada and Canadians.

Our “I’m Too Sexy for Our Planet” award goes to all of us.

With average planetary temperatures rising for 12 straight months and counting last May, we needed to look no further than our own mirror to discover one legit hot guy, or girl, or whatever⁺. No wonder Big Oil, Big Ag and all their cronies are out to F#!@ everyone (and the planet we rode in on).  Who can blame them when we’re all so smokin’ hot?

Our “M_acHine of the Month, NOT!” award goes to McDonald’s AI

McDonald’s attempt to test the ability of Artificial Intelligence to replace real teenage carbon units when processing orders in over 100 of its restaurants was overwhelmed by humanity’s failure to accept the wisdom of which fast food choices would be best for them (e.g., Butter and Bacon topped Ice-cream).

Our “Trash Talk” award goes to North Korea

North and South Korean tensions balloon into a veritable shit storm when North Korea makes a big stink over S. Korean efforts to enlighten the North’s population by raining leaflets and K-Pop down on their people. The North responds shit for shat by launching over 250 balloon loads of garbage and human excrement into South.  Experts (in my head) agree that the North is losing the battle as their latest attempt to float truth to power (i.e. of words and reality), although not technically bullshit, is a thinly veiled facsimile thereof.

Our “Laws of Supply and Remand” award goes to Ontario Canada

Apparently, crime does not have a monopoly on not paying in Ontario. Its government is either not paying and/or not paying enough to keep up with rising incarceration rates and overcrowding in its correctional institutions.  Inmates have raised a $1.5 billion class action lawsuit against the province claiming, its criminal the way they have been treated to an ongoing pattern of full prison lockdowns whenever there is a staffing shortage. On the brighter side, they are not unionized; therefore, there is no threat of a walk out or worse a lock out at any of those jails.

Our “Shit House” award goes to New Glasgow, Nova Scotia

Both the Town and the N.S. Department of Environment doubled down by washing their hands of this house-load of shit they were not willing to touch. Apparently, there is nothing they can do when shit happens inside rental housing.

Our “Brain Drain” award goes to Artificial Intelligence

As more and more (and even more every minute) opt to use artificial intelligence in lieu of their own noodle, those of us who are still actually intelligent enough to learn, learn it takes way more energy to think than even the laziest, most underachieving, minds of our times ever could have imagined.  Apparently Generative AI systems can require as much as 33 times more electricity than machines running task-specific software.  Both Google, who aspired to attain zero emissions by 2030, and Microsoft announced that, thanks mostly to our love of AI chatbots, their climate emissions last year were, respectively, 48% and 30% higher than they were in 2020.

Our “Should’ve Known Better” award goes to the U.S. Supreme Court   

That vaunted cabal of virtual buy-us free (of any payments prior to delivery) put all accusations that some of them could be bought to rest with a brand (but not spanking) new code of ethics in supremely lame, uncertain, and unruly terms like “should” which was mentioned 51 times, while they aborted any conceptions like ‘shall’  ‘must’ or ‘may not’.  You “should” look at this “should” you like a deeper dive into the most supreme of our award winners.

Our “That’s Rich” award goes to U.S Senator Bob Menendez

Democrats were calling upon one of their own to resign after he was found guilty on 16 counts of taking bribes including gold bars and expensive cars in exchange for influence peddling on behalf of foreign governments.  Menendez maintained his innocence and vowed to appeal the verdicts to the highest court in the land -i.e. that would be the one that is reeling from accusations of accepting money for nothing (from all the wealthy friends they did not have before they became supremely appealing).

Our “Paradise Lost” award goes to Jasper National Park, Canada

About 5000 residents and another 20,000 campers were expelled from Canada’s Garden of Eden when that jewel in the crown of Canada’s majestic national parks succumbed to a wall of wildfire.

Our “Deep Flake” award goes to Elon Musk

Elon continued his very public and self-afflicted slide from high tech darling to low brow, deeply flawed, darkling (if not fool), when he was apparently fooled by an obvious AI generated deep fake of Democratic Presidential candidate Kamela Harris dissing herself and her party during a campaign rally.  Mr. Musk (share this without thinking so more people will like me) found his thumbs compelled to reflexively forward the message to millions of his followers.

Our “Bricks for Brains” award goes to Racist British Cement Heads.

As locals were gathering in Southport, England for a prayer vigil in memory of the three (6, 7 and 9-year-old) girls, brutally murdered while attending a Taylor Swift theme party by a demented, 17-year-old, 100’s of unhinged English bigots swooped in on the village to attack a mosque and riot in the streets based on an unsubstantiated internet rumour claiming the murderer was an agent of ISIS. 27 police officers were taken to hospital while 12 others were treated and discharged at the scene.

Our “Housework” award goes to the Canadian Civil Service

Canada’s Public Service takes another baby step towards reality when employees are ordered to make themselves at home (in their offices) three years after their Covid operations at home were no longer necessary.  Some claimed their bosses were railroading them back to the office after just calling it in for the past three years, but that was clearly not the case after the Canadian Government legislated rail workers back to the job just 1 day after they walked out on strike for more pay and safer working conditions.

Our “Double Tap” award goes to the American Justice System

A U.S. District Judge in Kentucky took another shot at Breonna Taylor four years after she was shot by Louisville police after they broke into her apartment without a warrant. The judge ruled that her boyfriend caused her death when he shot at one of the illegal and unannounced intruders in an apparent case of Rock, Paper, Double Tap, No Knock Warrant jurisprudence.  Note: Charges against her boyfriend for the attempted murder of a police officer were dropped in 2020.

Our “Minor Mafia Protection Rackets” award goes to Porter Airlines

This overbooked Canadian airline unceremoniously kidnapped a 14-year-old minor from her seat and dumped her unattended and uncompensated like garbage (not the only Mafia connection in this story) at Toronto International Airport pending the arrival of another flight 24 hours later because she had not paid for protection (a $100 minor flight protection surcharge).

Our “Exhausting Options” award goes to Laval City Police.

What the Tyreek Hell is going on Quebec? Three Laval Police officers were visibly exhausted after beating down a driver from Toronto who didn’t provide them with his driver’s license and registration. Whether or not they are required to undergo sensitivity training, there is little doubt that they will be ordered to undertake a heavy regime of aerobic conditioning.

Our “Children of the Corn Busters” award goes to Drones

Although stories about children in the corn and drones rarely end well, it was a case of two negatives making a positive when Wisconsin police used a drone to find a toddler lost in a cornfield.

Our “Rock Her World!” award goes to this rich find

A Canadian mining company unearthed an eye popping 2,492-carat diamond in Botswana. It is the biggest find since the 3,106-carat Cullinan diamond was found in in South Africa (1905). Aspiring trophy wives the world over have their billionaire beaus jumping through hoops to put a ring on it (alas, participation award wives need not apply).

Our “Purrfect Match” award goes to J.D. Vance

The Doh!nut clearly found the purrfect running mate for his campaign in J.D. Vance, a misogynous man who is as obsessed with pussy and their owners as his boss is.  But wait there’s more!  Lies also rain from his lips like cats and dogs.

Our “Return to Sender” award goes to SpaceX

Seven minutes after launching a spacecraft into orbit, the SpaceX Super Heavy booster was plucked from the air after returning to its launch pad.

Our “Norman Bates 2.0” award goes to Virginia McCullough

In the what might be the mother of all cold cases, this Menendez Brothers’ soul sister proved to be a cooperative if not amiable witness in her own prosecution after police apprehended her for the murder of her parents, whose bodies she lived with for over four years.

Our “Foamenting Toxicity” award goes to a River in India

Every day, more than 1.8 billion litres of poorly treated sewage spills into the Yamuna River and bathes the city of New Delhi, India in a porridge of toxicity (in a manner that sudgests it might be too late to clean up your act when even your bubble bath is toxic).

Our “I Think, Therefore I’m Damned” award goes to a little over half of the U.S.A.    

All Americans (and perhaps the world) are now damned but those with the wherewithal to recognize and connect all the, “walks like a duck, quacks like a duck” dots relative to the world’s latest “Ill Douche” are bound to be the only American frogs that will realize they are boiling in the hot, broiling, hell swamp to come.  Ill Douche and his cheerleaders from all the Big Tech purveyors of Artificial Intelligence and Dystopian Armageddon have finally achieved a sheeple nirvana that can only make them again, greater profits. Oh well, we don’t need our smart phones or Alexa to tell us that it’s not a conspiracy if everyone is in on it.  Welcome to the Freakshow!

Our “Us Versus Them Class[less] Action” award goes to Marjorie Taylor Green et al

She and others in a growing class of attention whores that trend to congregate on X to deny that we are responsible for the hoax that is Global Warming are quick to pivot to claims that “they”, the “Deep (something she and her cronies can never be accused of) State” is nefariously engineering weather events to further “their” political ends. Alas the only part of her conspiracy theory and related tweets from America’s Attention-Whore-in-Chief that rings true, is the fact that it is both wrong, and fundamentally evil, to conspire to engineer stories and events related to human tragedy for your own political agenda.

Our “Beach Bummed” award goes to Sydney, Australia

Three weeks after the ocean started dumping mysterious, smelly blobs on the beaches surrounding Sydney, scientists finally got to the bottom of it.  According to the experts the dumplings were flush with “human feces, cooking oil, chemicals and illicit drugs.”

Our Democracy Rocks award goes to South Korea

In a year marked by elections and events that rocked the very foundation of government for the people by the people, the President of South Korea decided to try his luck at getting out from under some pesky fraud allegations by declaring martial law and locking out (if not up) his political adversaries. Alas his attempted insurrection failed when the people rose up and slapped him with even more serious charges.

Our Chinese Laundry award goes to insecure telecom back doors

Chinese hackers found a way to air every American’s dirty laundry by exploiting the legal “back doors” that have been built into telecommunication systems so governments can “monitor crime and espionage over landlines and cellphones.” Perhaps their lawmakers should spend less time worrying about the security or alleged lack thereof in a specific foreign owned social media platform and focus on throwing a few rocks at the clearly flawed glass house they are all operating under. TikTok people… the enemy is in your gates.

Our “Wicked Ways” award goes to Mattel

This American toy giant accidentally distributed their new dolls based on the Wicked movie with (in lewd of the movie’s website) the internet address for a porn website inscribed on the package.

Our “Dog’s Breakfast” award goes to Bailey, the dog

It’s not all fun and Cocaine Bears in British Columbia for some unfortunate pets. If its owner’s dogged belief that drugs are the key to happiness was true, the tail should have been literally wagging this dog. In fact, Bailey’s tail wasn’t wagging at all when [mis]treated on many occasions to a diet of opioids, cocaine, and amphetamines.

Our “Not all fruitcakes are American” award goes to Brazilian Rioters

Almost 2 years to the day after Trump zealots stormed Congress in an attempt to overturn the results of their presidential election, outgoing Brazilian [ex-president] Bolsonaro zealots stormed their Congress on January 8, in an attempt to further the cause of their own fruitcake.

… but some American fruitcakes are unapologetic and happy to export their fruitcake revolution abroad

Our “Boring Achievements” award goes to Elon Musk

Not quite on par with his promise to connect cities with highspeed tunnels, Elon’s first cut in Las Vegas comes full circle back to Las Vegas.  Was this exactly what investors should have expected when the world’s least boring inventor pitched his ambition to run a boring company, or a minor case of “Bugs” in the system?

Our “Here’s Your Sign, Stupid!” award goes to this Colorado Man 

There weren’t any No Parking signs in the lobby of this Colorado police station, so this genius exercised his god given right to be stupid. Pretty sure he will lose his rights and freedom to drive motor vehicles for a while unless he gunned the engine on impact in which case the NRA could come to his defence.

Our “Loose Screw” award goes to Canadian Motor Vehicles Act

A British Columbia family dodged a bullet when no one was hurt after a heavy calibre bolt drilled through their windshield.  If found, the driver of the transport trailer truck that was responsible could face an unsecured cargo fine of $288. In Ontario the fine would be $110.

Meanwhile in Australia, authorities experience a minor meltdown when a truck loses a radioactive capsule somewhere along a 846 mile (1362km) highway. The fine for failing to safely handle radioactive substances in Australia is $1000 AUD ($870CAD).“

Our “I Cannot Not Tell a Lie” award goes to Donald Trump

Perhaps realizing that every time his lips move, he is incapable of getting the facts straight and/or that everything he says will somehow incriminate him, Mr. “If you’re innocent, why are you taking the 5^th amendment” was russian to trample his cherished right to free speech.  Donald invoked his right not to serve as a witness in a criminal case in which he is a defendant not once but 400 times during a deposition.  It was probably the right decision given that the first words out of his mouth, “This is the greatest witch-hunt in the history of our country” proved false. Be careful of that witch you say when you and 19 of your colleagues have yet to be convicted and executed by hanging as was the case during the Salem witch hunt. 

Our “Toxic Misogyny” award goes to the Iranian Government

Sick and tired of all the teenage drama, Iranian authorities opt to teach all those rebellious schoolgirls their place by using toxic gasses. Hundreds of Iranian schoolgirls fall ill.

Our “Red Green Wake up and Smell the Coffee” award goes to this guy

Our “Sticker Shock” award goes to grocery labels.

As big grocery continued to leach onto our wallets and stick it to us at the checkout over the course of 2023, we also learned that their sticker price might not be the only thing killing us. A new study tells us that grocers might be extracting an even higher price as toxic chemicals used on some of those stickers could be doing some leaching of their own through packaging, and into the meat, seafood, produce and other foods.

Our “Oxymoron” award goes to Military Intelligence at the Pentagon

It was a case of telephone, telegraph, tell a known braggart and egocentric manchild (no not that one) your top secrets (no not those ones), when the brainiacs in the Pentagon allowed a 21-year-old airman with what appeared to be a history of insubordination and wingnuttedness unfettered access to top secret military information that he shared with like-minded individuals and/or just for likes in various internet chat-rooms. Apparently, they took (or mistook) all the red flags suggesting he was potential wingnut as an endorsement for top-secret clearance (but only because he was in the air force).

Our “Denial is a River in Egypt” award goes to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis

Earlier this year the Nile is main street Fort Lauderdale as record rainfalls foreshadow what much of Florida is destined to look like. Later DeSantis dives all in on climate denial when he approves flooding Florida classrooms with Climate Denial videos of dubious origin.

Our “Afraid of Americans” award goes to other Americans

On April 13 a 16-year-old black teenager was shot twice after ringing the doorbell to the wrong house in Kansas City. Two days later, a 20-year-old white woman is shot dead she when pulls into the wrong driveway in upstate New York. Couple that with 650 mass shootings last year at a rate of almost two per day and the apparent irreconcilable differences between Democrats and Republicans where each seems terrified of what the other stands for and we have to wonder where they find the time to be so afraid of who may or may not cross their borders?

Our “Lost Luggage” award goes to Toronto International Airport

Anyone who has ever flown, shrugs off news that $15 Million in gold disappeared from an airport.

Our “Frozen Stiff” award goes to the Dickie Berg

A photographer from Dildo, Newfoundland got up one day and took a picture of this natural monument to how hard life on the North Atlantic can really be.

Our “She Did Nothing but Wine” award goes to Lillian Ip

Lillian, an Australian woman who was lost in the outback for five days without water survived on a single bottle of wine.  Yet another argument for proponents of the belief that red wine (when sipped in moderation) has measurable life-giving powers.

Our “I Didn’t Do It” award goes to Vladimir Putin

Be it exploding dams in Ukraine, exploding aircraft carrying Russian mercenary generals he is afraid of, or any number of other dubious diabolical deeds, Vlad can always be counted on to falsely flag blame onto Ukraine, the Nazis, NATO, Americans that didn’t vote his guy, anyone else who comes to mind, and/or all of the above.

Our “Slow Boat to China” award goes to the Port of Vancouver

The good news is Vancouver was not ranked last in a ranking of the 348 busiest container ports on the planet alas it was ranked 347^th.

Our “Don’t Bring a Nuke to a Bombshell Fight” award goes to Barbie

In Hollywood’s battle of the bombshells, everyone’s favorite mass-produced blonde bombshell blew Oppenheimer, the father of all bombshells of mass-destruction, away at the box-office.

Our “Special Delivery” award goes to Ukraine

For a series of bomb and drone strikes in the heart of Moscow. Vladimir “Hey Ukraine We Just thought We’d Drop in and Bomb the Shit Out of Your Country” Putin accuses Ukraine of an unprovoked attack on his peace-loving Capital.

Our “First Lady” award goes to Sophie Grégoire–Trudeau

The Canadian Prime Minister’s wife was the first Canadian to kick Justin “Office Because of My Last Name” to the curb.  Experts in my head believe she won’t be the last; however, only his Liberal Party has the option to follow suit before the next federal election.

Our “Head Case” award goes to an Australian Woman

An Australian doctor was surprised to find a worm living in the 64-year-old woman’s brain after she had been complaining for months about “stomach pain, a cough and night sweats, which evolved into forgetfulness and depression.” Yes dear, of course I’d like to know what’s on your mind…but not at the dinner table please.”

Our “Back to the Wall” award goes to US President Joe Biden

After campaigning against Donald Trump’s Mexican Border Wall, Joe Biden finds he can stonewall the need no more in the face of an ongoing influx illegal border crossings. Even with his back to the wall, Joe is not likely to become any more dangerous, but at least there will be less danger of him falling.

Our “Right Stuff” award goes to the Queen of Canada Cult

Followers of Romana Didulo, a far-right QAnon conspiracy theorist, are defending their right to be extreme by threatening a public execution of elected officials and other members in and around the small Saskatchewan community of Richmond that the cult now calls home (or rather their “Kingdom of Canada”).

 Our “I know you are, but what am I” award goes to Donald Trump

Shortly after being slapped with a Gag Order, America’s Poster-Boy-in-Chief for Chronic Constipation lashed out against the trial Judge and Prosecutor on the courthouse steps calling them “corrupt” while calling the [fraud] case against him a “fraud and a sham.”

Our “Crocodile Tears” award goes to an Australian Rancher

When Colin Deveraux found himself face to face with, and in the jaws of an eleven-foot saltwater crocodile, he wasn’t seeing eye to eye with said reptile’s choice à la carte, so he latched onto the creature’s eyelid and bit back. When the surprised diner let go, Mr. Deveraux got his rump roast out of there in the blink of an eye.

Our “No More Pandaring” award goes to China

China drops the gloves and signals the end of soft diplomacy with America when it repossesses it’s Pandas.

Our “Canary in the Shoal Mine” award goes to Tuvalu

Over 11,000 people living on the south Pacific island of Tuvalu, (Polynesian for we would have called it Canary Island but that name was already taken) are getting that sinking feeling as the stakes (and sea level) continue to rise with global warming.

Our “Free the Inmates, Jail the Guards” award goes to COPS

In a year that saw local governments and police forces everywhere protecting the “bad boy, bad boys” of fossil fuels from the protests of concerned citizens, last year’s COPS28 Climate Conference was hosted by the United Arab Emirates with a COPS President who was firmly aligned with their oil interests.  COPS28 was also polluted by no less than 2,456 fossil fuel lobbyists (not 2, not 3, but 4 times more than that count was at the previous year’s conference).  I admit that the voices in my head, none of whom are rocket surgeons, rarely agree on anything, but this is the one exception.  We all agree the planet is doomed when, after 28 years of greasy, empty promises, its UN organizers who aspire to reduce practically invisible greenhouse particulates over a time span measured in decades seem to be unable to reduce and/or eliminate the very visible contingent of fossil fuel lobbyists (that has just continued to grow at an alarming year over year rate) from their RSVP invitations.

Our “Candies from a Stranger” award goes to Meta

Click bait? Eye candy? What’s the difference.  Facebook and Instagram never Meta child they weren’t willing to entice, follow, ensnare, and/or gather information on via their version of eye-candy.  Apparently, their parent company does not “like” that its business model has Meta a deluge of hundreds of lawsuits in the US filed by families, young people, school districts, and now the 33 State Attorneys General.

Our “Lipstick on a Pig” award goes to fashion consumers.

The sales of beauty and skincare products saw an 18% increase despite last year’s higher prices and hard economic times.  Some experts say this is a common phenomenon that applies to fashion consumers that are addicted to consumption and their tendency to go hog wild on lipstick and other cosmetics in lieu of higher priced clothing, handbags, and jewelry when times are tough.

Our “Litter Tinkle” award goes to the Borrough of Decorum, England

A 69-year-old Englishman with a weakened prostate made waves (perhaps before, but definitely) after a by-laws officer gave him a littering ticket for taking a discrete roadside wee.   

Our “Tastes Like Piss” award goes to this Chinese beer

Whether he was pissed or just pissed-off, this Chinese worker created quite a stir when he streamed a video of himself taking a wee break into a tank of Tsingtao beer.

Our “New Sexual Category” award goes to Hans Niemann

The American chess grandmaster failed to win a $100 million defamation lawsuit after allegations that he cheated in a high-level match last year; however, he still categorically denies using a vibrating anal sex toy to get signals from an accomplice in order to pull some inspired chess moves out of his ass. All parties involved agree they are happy to have it all behind them now.

Our “Special Operations R us(sia)” award goes to Russia

Russia is falling victim to a homegthrown oil^[ygarch] shortage of its own when the billionaire chairman of Russia’s Lukoil dies in a Special Ambulatory Operation out a hospital window in Moscow. Russia’s News Agency is calling it a suicide.  No word as to whether it was assisted or not, and if so, apparently even billionaires can’t expect special treatment in Russia where a trip out the window is still the best assisted suicide that even a billionaire’s money can buy. Ravil Maganov is only the fourth Russian energy oligarch (that we know of) to have died in especially unusual circumstances in the special months since Putin’s special operations began last February.

Our “Bleak Prospects” award goes to Russian Generals

For the first time in living memory top spot on the list of the world’s most dangerous jobs did not belong to either Fishers or Loggers.  In 2022, it was Russian Generals who were putin’ their life on the line above and beyond all other occupations.  Yes, the Russian army is in a state of general chaos and the rapid attrition within this rank does not bode well for the future of Russia’s other occupation (of Eastern Ukraine). Putin’s ability to recruit replacements could meet with as much or more resistance from prospective candidates than his special occupation has met in Ukraine.

Our “Stupid is as Stupid Does” award goes to the Canadian Freedom Convoy.

A small minority of Canadian truckers who are afraid of being vaccinated against Covid-19 drive across Canada and park their rigs on the Ambassador Bridge, a border crossing that generates a quarter of US-Canada trade. Why? Because they thought it was unfair that they were required to be vaccinated in order to cross into the United States (but apparently quite fair for them to prevent the majority of truckers on both sides of the border who were not afraid of the needle to traverse the border). Among the other demands voiced by this gaggle of “special interest group’s” unelected leaders [none of whom were truckers] was the request that Canada’s unelected Governor General and unelected Senate dissolve it’s elected parliament and name members of Canada Unity (another unelected special interest group) to form a Canadian Citizens Committee. Bottom Line: The majority of voices in my head have elected to call a spade a shovel. The Freedom Convoy was a failed “Authoritarian My Way or the Highway Anti-Democracy Special (self) Interest Group Putsch”

Related Quote [from the archive]:

“Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.”  ― Winston S. Churchill

Related Statistic:

Our “Cold Dead Hands” award goes to Lebanese banks

In a year where money was tight for everyone, Lebanese banks clung tightest of all when they refused to allow clients to withdraw “their” money even after they took everyone in the bank hostage at gunpoint. Some even threatened to set themselves (and the bank) on fire. Soldiers were summoned to protect the clients from themselves and “their” money.

Our “Birds of Feather” award goes to Trump’s Flock

A gaggle of wingnuts had their wings clipped in 2022 for their part in  their walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, Big Bird’s attempted insurrection on Jan 6, 2021. Hitler Moustache guy was just one of many strange birds of the nutso, neo-nazi kind who flocked to (and parroted) their Führerious leader’s cries of fowl in the 2020 presidential election.  Still proud of his boys, the Dodder is providing financial assistance for some of the defendants with the added promise of full pardons and official government apologies to all.

Our “Big Boob Boo!” award goes to Mentor

This breast implant manufacturing affiliate of Allergan and Johnson & Johnson’s was found to be less than upfront when reporting incidents of injuries and complications surrounding their product. Of course, what would you expect from a company who is in the business of augmenting realty? Perhaps the bigger boobs in this story are the Government and hospitals who were relying on those companies to be on point when exposing their faults[ies] to the public.

Our “YouthandAsia” award goes to Indonesia

Indonesia kills the concepts of friends with benefits and hooking up when it makes pre- and extra-marital sex a crime replete with stiff prison sentences of one year for sex and 6 months for living with someone you are not married to.

Our “Capital Hillbillies” award goes to the [Cdn] Freedom Convoy

Or rather the leadership (or lack thereof) on both sides. In a word bizarre (but what should we expect when Jethro Bodine is our Prime Minister)?  Yes, one year after the American Hillbillies stormed their capital, Canada experienced an insurrection of its own. What is it about Capital Hills that only seems to attract the broken and destitute from all corners of a country? The bad news is that, even though that episode is over, we still have Jethro and about 649 other fools on the hill. The good news is that “if” any of the civil or criminal cases find their way into court, the truckers will be able to plead their fundamental case (if there is one) based on reportable facts without the surrounding carnival of “noise”.

Our “Special Interests” award goes to the Freedom Convoy Leaders

It’s hard to overlook the irony of a minority of truckers protesting the Covid-19 protocol’s impact on their life, liberty and ability to cross borders by waiting for said protocols to be lifted and then locking down their Country’s borders and the business districts of cities to the majority.  But that is what makes democracy so great – the fact that   free speech makes it easier to determine who the stupid people are. Looking on the bright side (which also reflects poorly on the truckers) at least Ottawa had some clowns at their winter carnival in 2022.

Our “This Isn’t Sparta” award goes to 300^x10 American troops

Yes we’ve seen some inflation since the days of King Leonidas and his 300, but one thing hasn’t changed. Nothing pisses off a sociopathic imperialist and tyrant like a little democracy.  Putin’s spokes-puppets accidentally foreshadowed the poor fighting readiness of his invasion force of 100,000 Russian soldiers massing on the Ukrainian border when they vehemently condemned America’s response of deploying 3000 American troops to Eastern Europe as being an unprovoked and dangerous escalation of tensions.  Trust bluster like that to leonidus (me and my voices) to be putin some perspective to those numbers. Apparently the Russians had already known that a 33-1 advantage (or much, much higher when you consider none of the 300^x10 troops were sent to Ukraine or anywhere en mass for that matter) would still lead to a “destructive” [Russia’s words not mine] outcome for their invasion force.

Our “Gross Domestic Product” award goes to Canada

The next time you feel obligated to raise a stink over the poor quality of that crap other countries are exporting to your household (and/or storage locker) consider this: Canada’s estimated total waste generation is the largest in the entire world. It has an estimated annual waste total of 1,325,480,289 metric tons. Given Canada’s population of 36.7 million, that’s an estimated annual waste per capita of 36.1 metric tons per Canadian of any age.

Our “Mine’s Bigger” award goes to Vladimir Putin’s Table

It’s not that Vlad is afraid of the people banished to the far reaches of the other end of that table. Nor is it an anger management ploy to protect them from his own ability to reach over and get his hands around their throats.  [We believe] Putin’s gigantic table was commissioned for the sole purposes of ensuring that no-one would ever be able to turn the table on him.

Runners Up: While on the subject of records held by big dicks, here is the rest of the leader board.

Our “Sounds Like a Matter of Taste” award goes to Dyson Zone

Sure you can wash your mouth out with soap, but why not use a vacuum instead. Dyson, a company famous for their vacuum cleaners, introduced its new Dyson Zone headphones with a wraparound mouthpiece that will clean the filth out of the air before it gets to your mouth. It’s still too early to tell exactly how much it will or will not suck, but fashion experts and hipsters everywhere agree it’s going to come down to a matter of taste.

Our “Location, Location, Location” award goes to 2541 E. 40^th Ave

The most appealing quality of this not so hot property listed at $4.888M in Vancouver, Canada seems to be the fact that a strong wind if not a big bad wolf could save the buyer the costs of demolition.

Our “Start the Car!” award goes to a Dutch 4-yr old

Dutch police apprehended a not so grand theft auto enthusiast as he was fleeing the scene of a three car accident. Fortunately for the 4-yr old no-one was harmed and the police were not American (i.e. armed).  The mother has been instructed to ground the boy and put her car keys in lockdown.

Our “Cownary in the Coal Mine” award goes to Prairie Cattle

While Canadian Prairie ranchers are blaming successive years of drought and the scarcity of cattle feed for their inability to sustain their herds. Meanwhile, Prairie fossil fuel barons are concerned other Prairie people if not politicians might heed this warning.

Our “Poor Judgment” award goes to the US Supreme Court

In an apparent attempt to make American laws medieval again, five Republican Supreme Court Justices rule that women must have babies if the State tells them to.

Our “Mild, Mild, West” award goes to the Uvalde, Police Force

In the rough and tough Republican State of Texas, police officers elect to circle the wagons while a lunatic strolls through an Elementary School and kills 19 kids and 2 teachers.  Perhaps they were waiting until high noon to gun down the bad guy… “The Texas Way.”

Our “Unhappiest Birthday Celebration” award goes to the NRA

The National Rifle Association (NRA) celebrated its 150^th Anniversary  “trying to regroup following a period of serious legal and financial turmoil that included a failed bankruptcy effort, a class action lawsuit and a fraud investigation by New York’s Attorney General.  Speaking of failures, bankruptcies, lawsuits and fraud investigations Donald Trump spoke at their convention in Houston, Texas just three days after (and 4 hours down the road from) the Uvalde Elementary School shootings. Uvalde was just one of the 648 pointless mass shootings in 2022 that amassed 672 dead and 2705 injured Americans.  Last year’s overall total for Americans who died victims of gun violence was 44,190.

In a related story:  The U.S. Congress passed their 1^st gun control legislation in decades.  That was of course before it was taken over by the latest gang of trigger-happy Republicans.

Our “You Can’t Handle the Truth” award goes to PM Trudeau’s Canada

Canada’s PM Justin (it for my inner circle) Trudeau “has adopted 72 secret orders-in-council — hidden from Parliament and Canadians — since coming to office”. That’s already (in just 6 years) more than twice as many as his Conservative predecessor (who reigned supreme for 10 years).

Our “Knickers in a Knot” award goes to France

While Iran was unravelling over the morality (or lack thereof) of headscarves (or the lack thereof); France found itself immersed in hot water over their ban on any woman’s choice to wear a swimsuit that did not fit their French sense of fashion morality (or lack thereof).

Our “Hottest Immigrants” award goes to India

Canadian immigrants from India are all but guaranteed an XXX rating in the eyes of Canadian Authorities.

Our “Hair Brained Ideas” award goes to grease balls

Using a maxim long understood by your average grease ball (i.e., that  human hair can absorb 5 times its weight in oil), a non-profit environmental organization called Matter of Trust is turning donated hair into mats used to soak up oil spills on land, and booms (long tubes) used for spills at sea.

Our “Inseparable” award goes to Thai Elephant Mom and Baby

Because in an otherwise miserable year, even some elephants found themselves down and in need of a big little pick-me-up.

Our ”Power of Thinking Differently” award goes to Donald Trump

Although not the most mindful class act in America, you wouldn’t know it from an interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News channel, when America’s ex-big giant head of state explained that he could declassify documents just by thinking about declassifying them.  No wonder, Mr. Mindful[of himself], can bend reality just by thinking something else is or was happening. Here’s hoping he doesn’t think he would be better off without people who don’t absolutely worship his omniscient munificence.

Our “Same Bolshit, Different Day” award goes to Jair Bolsonaro

It’s déjà vu all over again as the outgoing Brazilian President Bolsonaro stokes election denial chaos in his country by refusing to acknowledge his electoral defeat.  During his election campaign he claimed the voting machines were rigged and “only God” could remove him from office.  At the risk of going to extremes, it’s almost as if, “When you are never wrong, you must be Right”

Our “Law of Supply and Demand” award goes to Donald Trump

Why does America have more lawyers per capita than any other country on the planet? Just ask Donald “I cannot tell a lie” Trump who managed to amass 30,573 false or misleading claims during his 4 presidency. That’s right, our Money, Money, Money, Money boy named Sue with a lega[l]cy of over 4000 and counting lawsuits is a firm believer in his Law of Supply and Demand. His demands are very, very, very probably the drove most if not all of his presidential decisions to supply the US Supreme Court and other US and District Courts of Appeal with 234 of his very, very, very probably favorite people.  No telling how many have already returned or will be returning that favour.

Our “There will be a Slight Delay” award goes to France

Mehran Nasseri, an Iranian refugee who lived in Charles De Gaul Airport for almost two decades, died after a heart attack at the airport. In defense of the airport, they didn’t lose his luggage (because it was stolen before he got there).

Our “TruDoh!” award goes to Justin Trudeau

Apparently the Canadian Prime Minister’s definition of a measured diplomatic response is the distance between his thumbs and Twitter (might be a North American thing). Justine thumbed his “knows” at truth and diplomacy when he broadcast his “misinterpretation” of events in Iran to the world.

Our “My Biggest Loser” award goes to Elon Musk 

Unable to extricate himself from his offer to purchase Twitter for $44 billion, Elon learns a valuable lesson: what trolls around, runs aground. 

Our “Flu the Coop” award goes to millions of Avian Flu casualties

Fearing a clucker revolt over avian flu mandates the EU and UK euthanize millions of little peckers.

My “Too Many Crooks in the Kitchen” award goes to Fossil Fuel Lobbyists

With 503 representatives, the fossil fuel lobby accounted for the largest contingent in attendance at this year’s COPS climate summit.  Small wonder then, that all the other old fossils in the world of politics that converged in Glasgow failed to cook up any kind of tangible solutions (unless more vague promises of what they will do by 2050 when they are well into their retirement if not their graves was their objective).

My “Least Woke Democrat” award goes to President Joe Biden

After delivering a rousing call to action against global warming at a United Nations COPS climate conference, the most powerful man in the free world… dozed off on the most awkward power nap in the free world.

My “Travel Ruse” award goes to Belarus

At a time where countries all over the world are struggling to deal with lost tourism,  Belarusian dictator, Alexander Lukashenko rolls out the “red” carpet (replete with military fighter escort) to encourage a planeload of travelers bound for Lithuania to land in Belarus. Even though he was one of the dictators’ most vehement detractors, one passenger was provided free (well, as free as anything can be in an authoritarian dictatorship) accommodation for the rest of his life.  The dictator counters the international community’s charges of hijacking and state terrorism by claiming he was just unveiling his countries new “open door policy” on tourism that offers adventure (fake bomb scares) and, for some lucky travelers, unlimited access to one of the toughest Escape Room experiences on the planet.

My “Hog-troughical Greed” award goes to Canadian Banks

Despite reporting billion-dollar profits during a pandemic when so many of their customers have lost so much, Canada’s big “piggy” banks take another hog-troughical bite out of their clients’ lost savings, by increasing both their monthly user fees, and the minimum balance a customer must maintain to avoid those fees.

My “Shit Magnet” award goes to the Suez Canal

All the lockdowns, job losses and travel bans in the world failed to curb the material world’s ever ready demand for stuff to just keep going and going.  And it did, until the Ever Given, one of the Orient’s largest container ships stuffed with stuff, stuffed up the Suez Canal for six days. Oh well, at least the problem was: 1) contained; and, 2) although the world was losing it’s shit over not getting it’s shit, this colossal case of constipation didn’t spark another run on toilet paper.

My “Pissed off Bottleneck” award goes to Amazon

While on the subject of bottlenecks in our supply chain, the genie is out of the bottle (and a good thing too), when Amazon’s shipping policies spring a leak after whistle blowers leak images of the bottles drivers are required to leak into in order to make quotas. Yes, everyone (including the genie) was pissed off over that.

My “StripHer” award goes to Mrs Sri Lanka 2019

Her Royal Cattiness 2019 attempts to stage an insurrection when sheyanksa crown of the head of the paegant’s 2021 winner and gives it to the runner up.  Her attempt to publically strip her successor not only failed, but also put an end to her own global domination of married women everywhere after she was herself stripped of her current Mrs World title.

My “Itching Crabs” award goes to Australia

Australia was crawling with crabs, just itching to get out of the bush as a result of their heightened sexual proclivity during the month of November.

My “I’ll Take the Low Road” award goes to Russia

One week before NASA targets an asteroid to test defenses against galactic threats to humanity, Russia targets a satellite orbiting Earth to test their ability to instigate a more homegrown threat to humanity In Russia’s defense, one could argue that triggering a war of mutual assured destruction is a probably a more sure fire way of preemptively eliminating the possibility of our collective demise at the hands of any intergalactic invaders.

My “Snakes on a Pain” award goes to the lancehead pit viper

Canadian scientists have discovered that an enzyme in the common lancehead’s venom can be harnessed to make a type of skin glue that is so effective, it could stop life-threatening bleeding within a minute. As I have always said there’s nothing like a bottle of whiskey and a bag snakes to cure what ails you.

My ”Skin in the Games” award goes to P!nk

The pop superstar P!nk ponies up the money to bail the butts of the Norwegian women’s handball team out after they disgrace themselves, their country, and the women the world over by wearing shorts as opposed to bikini bottoms in competition.

My “Naked Truth” award goes to Climate Change

How bad is it? Even the Dead Sea is dying. More proof that those who want to continue to gamble with our future, risk losing a lot more than their shirts.

My “Not Walking the Talk” award goes to kids these days

ReGretafully, despite all their righteous rhetoric, the Millennials and Zoomers, are also guilty by (a lot more than) association for the state of the world we live in.  Yes we’re all in this together, and Blah, Blah,  Black Friday headlines like ‘I don’t need a new TV, but I’ll probably get one’ are just one symptom of a tsunami of indulgence that continues to sweep their material world. This comedian’s tirade sums it up best, but it’s no laughing matter. Keep talking everyone but let’s start walking (both figuratively and literally) a whole lot more.

My “Best Soccer Mom” award goes to Mother Nature.

She sure kicked up a storm during this dust-up in the world of Bolivian football. Yes, the Beautiful Game got dirty (and whole lot more exciting) after a dust devil touched down during a Bolivian soccer game. They may not have been world-class players, but that was the Best (if not Only) Touchdown Ever in the annals of (what the rest of the world calls) football.

My “Money for Nothing” award goes to PM Justin Trudeau

Justin (because his daddy was a PM) calls a snap election for no apparent reason. Some voices in my head (if not in the know) were  speculating that perhaps he was thinking if he could win a hard bought majority (with his prior handouts of billions and billions of taxpayer’s money) it would be even easier to spend his taxpayer’s money.  Alas, in spite of failing to win that majority, and despite setting a record for the lowest vote share of a party that would go on to form government, Justin (it for some spending money) was upbeat in his victory(?) speech. An why not, even though the election did not effectively change anything, at a cost to Canadian taxpayers of $610 million, Justin (it for all the wrong records) easily set another spending record (at no cost to himself).  Rinse. Repeat.

Runner Up: California Republicans

Unable to win a majority in California, Republicans realize they can still punish the democrats that won’t vote for them as long as they can count on 12% of voters being unhappy with the outcome. That’s right, just when we thought we’ve seen it all in the bizzarro realm of American Politics, we learn that they only need 12% of the electorate to force a new election (a Recall) in California.  Of course they found them, they spent $276 million of their taxpayer’s dollars to execute a Recall on their Governor, they lost again (by a lot), and the Republican loser claimed that, “the vote was rigged before polls even opened.” Rinse. Repeat.

My “Lost Sex Appeal” award goes to Lorne Grabher

The Nova Scotia native WOKE to find that he lost his Sex Appeal when the supreme court of Nova Scotia ruled that the vanity plates bearing his name for the last 30 years were too licentious for NS highways.

My “Stupid Is As Stupid Does” award goes to Evan Neumann

Unhappy with the state of his nation, this American fugitive from last January’s failed coup and poster boy for the Dodder’s vision of democracy and free speech flees to … [wait for it] … Belarus.

My “Another Brick in the Wall” award goes to Lego Underwater Adventures

Saving our oceans may not be as easy as 123, but some scientists in Singapore think the solution to global coral reef destruction could be child’s play. Although their experiment is still in it’s infancy, they have taken their first steps to proving that something as simple as a Lego underwater adventures kit could blossom into a game changer for the world’s Coral Reefs

My “When it Rains, It Pours” award goes to British Columbia.

A “Heat Dome” over Western Canada leads to the highest temperatures ever recorded in Canada. The record set in the village of Lytton, B.C. is broken a day later in that same village which subsequently burns down in one of the 1600 wildfires that raged through the province last year.  Four months later, it’s an extreme example of “be careful what you wish for”  when Mother Nature follows up with an “Atmospheric River” that not only sets daily rainfall records for 20 B.C. cities and towns, but does so over consecutive days.  100km west of Lytton (remember them), this leads to flooding and the evacuation of the entire city of Merritt BC and many other towns and villages in the interior.

My “Get out of Dodge, Dodge” award goes to Texas Senator Ted Cruise

This elected representative of the people (failed to stand) by the people, when he elected to respond to the skull numbing winter chill that was crippling his state and constituents by cutting and running off to a beach in Mexico.

My “Denial is a River in Egypt Texas” award goes to Fox News

Fox Media’s hot-headed hoaxmen (and women) claim that widespread power outages during an unprecedented Artic freeze in Texas was caused by the failure of some Wind Turbines. In fact, most of their lost capacity was attributable to freezing at their non-renewable gas, coal and nuclear power plants.  Unfortunately, all those hotheads melting down over the Texas airways (and everywhere else) failed to raise the mercury with all that bluster and hot air, probably because their arguments were so far off the mark that they were neither warm nor just plain cold…their arguments, in fact, contained absolute zero.

My “Best Little Pick-Me-Up” award goes to Uber

Low riders rejoice, you’re just an Uber away from riding high again. Uber Eats in Ontario hopes to grow its business operations based on their understanding that nothing drives the munchies like a little cannabis.

My “Boo Who(se) a Racist” reward goes to Dep. Alan Strickland

The Oakland police officer sues the Toronto Raptors president and organization for “severe emotional and physical distress” perhaps because he was not able (or allowed) to arrest/shoot the Raptors president when he refused to be held back from joining his team to celebrate their 2019 NBA championship victory on the court.

My “Stop! Bang! Or I’ll Shoot” award goes to Donald Trump

In a year that will be remembered for a plethora of trigger happy cops, America’s twitter-happy, Law and Order(?) president and Judge-Maker-in-Chief shows an unparalleled lack of judgement when shooting off (among other things) fake news in the twitterverse. After turning gas and rubber bullets on peaceful demonstrators in Washington DC, in order to use a church to deliver a non-Christian message/photo-op, Mr. “All White You Guys, Please Stand Back and Stand By” unleashed squads of unmarked (and uninvited) “green men” to disappear demonstrators on the streets of Portland.

My “Break America Like China Back Then” award goes to The Dodder

In what might be the greatest isolationist bumble-step backwards since China’s Hongxi^{(translation: “extremely bright”)} Emperor decided to discontinue the voyages his country’s gigantic treasure fleet, America’s Alienator-in-Chief took his ball and funding and walked away from the World Health Organization in the middle of their efforts to combat Covid-19. Sadly for America’s (self-proclaimed) “extremely bright” bleached blonde, rather than slamming the door on Chinese expansion, the void created by this and his other escalations in isolationism is more akin to holding the door so China can finally become the preeminent world leader that it has struggled so hard to return to after their own fatal decision in 1434 to turn their back on the world (which resulted in China becoming a marginalized backwater state that was eventually exploited and colonized by invaders from abroad).  It’s almost as if a country (or person) intent on living in the past has no future.

My “Pen is Mightier than the Award” award goes to The Dodder

During a photo-op in the Oval office on National Nurses Day, America’s Sociopath^etic-in-Chief zones out (and then cuts off) Dr. Ernest Grant, president of the American Nurses Association who was acknowledging the dangers of PTSD in the face of the mounting Covid-19 death toll with the statement, “It’s a lot of deaths. There’s no question about it, and by the way, while we’re at it, will you pass these pens around, OK? You can pass them around. Here you go. I got some for the other side.  That’s right folks, although he may have been a little slow on the uptake with provision of requested personal protective equipment and nowhere on message and/or leadership by example in the arena of public safety measures, don’t let anyone ever say he wasn’t there for any American in need of a commemorative souvenir of being in the presence of the man himself.  Hey, the pen is mightier than both PPE and PTSD combined, so let’s not waste a lot of time and money on all those other loser weapons to fight this war.

My “Mucked Like a Fink” award goes to Danish Mink Farmers

Over 17,000,000 fink that were destined to be mucked anyway by the mink farmers managed to muck those farmers first when many of the mink developed a mutated strain of Covid-19 and passed it back to their human keepers. The situation was mucked up further after the mink were pre-maturely (and unprofitably) mucked and plowed into mass graves that had to then be exhumed and disposed of in a “manure” that was not prone to an even bigger environmental disaster.

My “Back to the Future” award goes to Jill Barber.

This Canadian singer refused to give up the ghost during the Covid-19 lockdown when she appeared online before an 4000 people (her largest ever paid audience) in a venue that hasn’t existed since 1965.

My “Scaredy Fat Cats” award goes to Saudi Arabia

Their imprisonment of a women’s rights activist for “terrorism” leads me to believe that the Saudi’s (who sport one of the world’s highest obesity related death rates) are more terrified of activity than death.

My “Picture of Health” award goes to Kodak

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, the Dodder drains the swamp of another $750 million dollars when he decides that Kodak is well positioned to develop into the great white dope of the pharmaceutical world. C’mon everyone smile and say “bleach”.

My “Statues of Limitation” award goes to some American Cement Heads

More protests, tea parties, and shootings as vigilantes violently defend statuary rights.  Local authorities attempt to diffuse the situation by putting statues into protective custody.

My “Actions speak louder than words” award goes to the Dodder

The only good Democrat is a kleptocrat or so The Dodder implies when he puts aside his crusade against all those nasty, crooked, and commie Democrats long enough to free an ex-Democratic Governor who was sent up the river for soliciting bribes, attempted extortion and wire fraud. Apparently, in the eyes of America’s “Toilet Brush in Chief,” who spent the waning days of his presidency freeing a litany of other felonious cronies, there’s always room in the swamp for more political entrepreneurs like that.  Nobody knows how history will judge a man who can boast that he has appointed more superior court judges (3 supreme court judges and over 255 other federal judges) than any other U.S. President; however, although he believes his speedy, record smashing appointments to be in the Public’s (which now, in the eyes of his Republican Senate enablers is defined as whatever is in “his”) interest, the American Bar Association has already judged that he has appointed more judges that were not “Not Qualified” for the task than of any other President in modern history.

My “Boldly name what no-one has named before” award goes to Elon Musk.

Step aside moon-unit, this bouncing, bawling carbon unit’s name is way, way by far away out (to infinity and beyond) of this world.  Yes Elon Musk knocks another one deep out of left field by naming his baby X Æ A-12.  The other nerds will need a PhD in hieroglyphics to pronounce let alone come up with a derogatory nickname but “Moonshot” is already trending as a more pronounceable proxy. That might embarrass the dad (who has loftier Martian aspirations) even more than it and the actual glyph embarrasses the child (until such time he is old enough to legally change it).

My Sincerest Form of Flattery Award goes to Donald Trump’s Green Response to Black Lives Matter

In his most open imitation of Russian President Putin to date, America’s Crackpot [dictator wannabe] -in-Chief,  sends unmarked “green men” into someone else’s jurisdiction to fan the flames of chaos and insurrection.

My “Hitler Youth” award goes to a Psycho Puppy from Illinois

Donald Trump, the Radicalization Party, and their Fox News Propaganda co-opt another page from Hitler’s playbook as they radicalize American kids to do their dirty deeds.  The psycho puppy in question illegally crossed state lines into Wisconsin with an illegal firearm, killed two demonstrators and wounded another before sauntering back through the lines of police and national guard and off to bed at his home in Illinois.  One can only assume that the Authorities were “all white” with that outcome because, given that their policy of having three heavily armed and armored policemen respond to a man (allegedly reaching for a knife) was to shoot him in the back seven times, the “white” response for a kid (actually) armed with an assault rifle would have probably required a tank and/or an air-strike.

From the archive:  In 2016 Microsoft created an experimental chatbot called Tay as part of an artificial intelligence experiment on social media.  It only took two days on Twitter for the bot designed in the persona of a teenage girl to become a neo-Nazi racist and misogynist.

My “We shall fight on the beaches, the fields and the streets” award goes to The Dodder

Could Trump’s assault on peaceful American protesters be his Fine As (Churchill) Hour? According to the Whitehouse, that would be resounding yes.  Although there was heated debate over whether or not tear gas was used on peaceful protesters in Washington, the authorities did officially request that the National Guard deploy a “heat ray” (i.e. high tech Active Denial System which makes targets feel their skin is on fire). Fortunately cooler heads prevailed when army brass inactively denied said request.

My “Both Sides Now” award goes to The Dodder

America’s self-proclaimed “least racist President with the possible exception of Abraham Lincoln”, was also the most divisive President since Jefferson Davis. But seriously folks, regardless of whether he is remembered as the president who started America’s 2^nd Civil War, or the one that lost the Covid-19 War, (almost) nobody can deny that before he steps down there will have been a lot of good people lost on both sides.

My “Voice of God” award goes to The Dodder.

God’s gift to (flat) earthlings mounts a new wave of popeulist attacks on the man who is his hurting his hopes for re-election with warnings that Joe Biden will hurt God.

My Dirty No Accounts award goes to BMO (and responding Vancouver Policemen).

Suspecting one of their customers, an aboriginal Grandfather, of fraud when he tries to set up a new account for his grandaughter,  they call the police. The police handcuff both the grandfather and his 12 year-old granddaughter in front of the bank (because in the eyes of both the bank and the policemen they must have both been guilty until proven innocent.

 My Not-Guilty even if proven Guilty goes to Royal Bank of Canada

Although all banks were jockeying for this award, the Royal Bank  reigns supreme with a clause buried in changes to their on-line banking customer agreement stating, “the bank can’t be held responsible for loss of data or damages even if we are negligent.“

My “German Crassmanship” award goes to Audi.

The German car-maker is forced to cancel their “Lets your heart beat faster – in every aspect” ad over allegations that it is, at best, in poor taste and, at worst, a shoutout to pedophiles.

My “Smart Dressed Man” award goes to a pickpocket in Amsterdam

 It’s a case of, “is that your brains in your pocket or are you just happy to see me”, when a Dutch policeman arrests our (pocketless) pickpocket with 30 stolen smart phones cellquestered in his bicycle pants.

My “Life Imitates Art” award goes to (Real) Food Prices

It’s a case of ,“Let them eat cake (but not banana cake)”, when an artist duct tapes a real banana to a wall and sells his work for $120,000. Another starving artist is then arrested when he goes to the museum and publicly eats the master’s piece. But wait there’s more (or less), as real world food prices are also going banana’s.

Related Statistic: Food prices in Canada rose by 3.5 per cent last year and projections for next year are calling for another  price hike that could be (and now that grocery profiteers have seen the report will be) as high as 4%. The average family following Canada’s food guide may have struggled to swallow their average annual grocery bill of $12,180 last year.

My “All Thumbs” award goes to Samsung’s Galaxy S10 phone

Anyone that used to be “all thumbs” was considered inept and perhaps, as a result, a little insecure, but more recently “those^{(not a racial slur)}people” are considered smart phone users. In 2019, the smart owners of the Samsung S10 were upgraded to “totally insecure” in the fact that any thumb print (a.k.a. “all thumbs”) can access their precious.

My “Can’t China Light on Me” award goes to China’s Moon Shot

Nothing would change for China’s reputation on the world stage as a closed and untrustworthy regime when their Chang’e4 moon mission makes it the first country to successfully complete a landing on the dark-side of the moon.  Yes, in the midst of their trade war with America, China surreptitiously moons the Dodder. While some might say, “Wowee! What a marvel of Chinese technology,” nobody can blame others who say, “No wonder we cannot trust Huawei to deliver a secure and open global communications platform”.

My “Tales from the Crypt” award goes to QuadrigoFX

When the founder of, what might have been (because who really knows where the money goes) Canada’s largest cryptocurrency exchange drops dead, subscribers are unable to pry their $216 million from his cold dead hands. Move over death and taxes, cryptocurrency is the new sheriff in town. Queue the Crypt-keeper’s maniacal laughter.

My “Dinner and Dance” award goes to Japan

This is a moving story that may not be for everyone. Ever the efficiency expert, Japan manages to save time and space on date night with the dinner and dance combo of dancing zombie squid, fried fish flops and a host of other living dead things.

My “Know You Are But What Am I” award goes to The Dodder.

After learning he is not Time’s Person of the Year, America’s Tweeter-in-Chief and a host of his shilling sycophants were anything but chilling (in one sense of the word) when they attack a 16 year-old Swedish girl with claims that she should stop overreacting to fake science.  The Dodder’s tweeted concession speech reads, “So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!

In a related Story: Three weeks earlier, a study conducted by the World Health Organization concluded that we are currently experiencing a “global epidemic” of childhood inactivity. Apparently America’s Buff(oon)-in-Chief doesn’t believe that either.

My “Smashing Success” award goes to the Tesla Cybertruck

Because the reputation of Tesla’s Cybertruck is not demolished despite a not-so-smashing demonstration of the smashproofiness of its windows.  Window shopping truckers have already placed over 150,000 orders

My “He Puts the Me in Meme” award goes to The Dodder.

He just keeps going and going… marching to the dumb-beat of his own drum.  Daniel Patrick Moynihan was not speaking to the Dodder when he said, “You are entitled to your own opinion. But you are not entitled to your own facts” but he might as well have been.  Fact is, he like everyone else (except the voices in my head) would have probably been lost for words as a tsunami of mindless meme fodder continued to pour from the mind, mouth, and thumbs of America’s self-proclaimed IQ-iest president.

My “Figures Skating” award goes to… Computational Robotics

Forget about global warming people, mankind may be skating on another kind of thin ice after this Swiss company develops a robot that figures out how to skate circles around the competition (all by itself). The Good news: Switzerland is a neutral country; therefore, this may not lead to a robocalyptic power play (outside of the international hockey arena). The Bad News: The Swiss are also famous for their love of money and the global export of their Swiss army knife.

My “You People” award goes to Donald “The Dodder” Drumpf

The Dodder continues his assault on race, women, geography and educated people everywhere when he suggests that four female democrats (three of them born in the USA), “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.”

Related Statistic: What’s really broken might be closer to home d_rummkopf:

Related story: “China Addresses the Real State of the American Union”

The Chinese Ministry of Culture and Tourism warns travellers who are planning to visit America that they, “should fully assess the risks of going to the US as recently^(?) there have been shootings, robberies and thefts happening frequently in the US.”

My “Communist Sleeper Cell” award goes to… Huawei

The Americans and their Western allies fear Chaos when this Chinese tech giant Gets Smart telephones and 5G internet technology that is vastly superior to any other products on the market.

My “I’m Too Tasteful for My Body” award goes to… The Dodder

Trump Taste-ifies against further allegations of sexual assault by dismissing the latest woman to come forward with the statement, “She’s not my type.”   She was however the sweet 16^th woman to come forward with similar allegations (he confided openly of another, “ she would not be my first choice”). If he weren’t so unhot looking himself, one might argue that, where there is smoke there is fire.  The good news is he seems to have harnessed his tastes and kept his potus in his pants while in office.

From the Archives: From the Lips of about Babes

My “Tomato, Tamato” award goes to… Madrid

The rain in Spain is no longer mainly on the plain.  Now it sounds like Madrid should be Madrained.  Many have a sinking suspicion that this is just the tip of the (melting) iceberg in what may become a global tsunami of Venice envy.

“Mother Nature is saying ‘You’re Fired’ in a Big Way”

She sees stupid (if not soon to be dead) people. But they don’t know they’re stupid.  America’s Denier-in-Chief will likely weather his opposition’s attempts to impeach him, but even he can’t deny that the world’s biggest island (I know it’s a continent, but work with here), the world’s biggest rain forest in South America’s biggest country, and his own biggest pain in the ass at the polls (a.k.a. the American state with both the biggest economy and population) are all on fire. Some will argue, fires happen and these particular ones aren’t even the largest in history so what’s the fuss. Others might say that is because we are running out of burnable forest.  Almost everyone (at least anyone who’s not oxygen deprived upstairs) should, however, agree that, as the forests disappear and the coal-burning plants reappear, the planet and everyone on it will eventually be toast.

My “I Could Walk Faster…but Nah” award goes to “Hyundai”

The Koreans are developing a concept car for everyone who has ever said, “I could get out and walk faster” (despite not having walked a block since the Pontius Pilate was an air cadet). Relax, why not walk in the comfort of your own car. If, going forward, this idea does prove to have legs, it might also appeal to those of us who have ever taken flak for driving a block or two to pick up our daily six-pack of doughnuts. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

My “One small step for Political Correctness” award goes to “Canadian Amateur Sports Authorities“

After some provincial sports leagues announce they will drop the term “midget” as an age category descriptor, Athletics Canada announces it will pursue a national movement to eliminate the term. If he could, Don Cherry would probably have found some way of thanking all the little people who made this possible.

My PC Hammer, “You Can’t Touch This” award goes to… Philip Williams

I’m veganning to think religious fundamentalists aren’t the craziest people on the planet. Mr. Williams, a vegan, is suing Burger King for allowing his Impossible (vegan) Burger to be cooked on the same grill that a regular burger might have touched. At this time, it is impossible to say what his settlement will be but it had better not be a whopper.  Hurting Headitors note: Fortunately, no midget hockey players were harmed in the making of that burger.

My Two-Faced White Trash award goes to Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

After being forced into an unconditional surrender in his trash talks with South-East Asia, and getting caught red handed in a rash of brown face photo ops, our hero “raps” (up a lackluster year) with some open-mike trash talk about the Dodder.

My “Hitchcocked Response” award goes to… Sydney, Australia

In a country that has learned to live with some (make that almost all) of the most deadly animals in the world, this city council authorizes magnum force to bring down a mean-spirited magpie.

Elsewhere in Australia, a hiker walks(?) away with this year’s “Pick Up Your Feet” award after the man falls down a cliff and spends the next 2 days carrying his leg out of the bush. He tells reporters that, “legs are very heavy when they’re not connected to anything.”

My “Oips, That Hurt!” award goes to… Purdue Pharma

The makers Oxycontin were feeling the pain in 2019 when they were drug through the courts for their part in pushing the Opioid Crisis on an unsuspecting public.  They came crashing down from their high horse when the court ruled against them and ordered settlements currently estimated at $12 Billion.   Apparently “their addiction to profits” was no defense. Sources say the owners are now smuggling  much of those profits offshore.

My “Not too swift” award goes to… Richard Keedwell

The 71 year-old holds fast on principals but is now a little short on cents after the Englishman spends £30,000 ($39,000US) fighting £100 ($130US) speeding fine.

My “Bad Vibes” award goes to… Consumer Technology Assoc.

All the buzz surrounding their CES tradeshow was negative when an innovative new vibrator won an award, but no-one was pleased when it (the award) was withdrawn. Protestors and Lora Haddock, the sex toy’s chief executive, finally got what she desired when it (the award) was given to her again.

My “She Too” award goes to… Amelia Earhart

Experts are now 99% certain that bones discovered on a pacific island in 1940 were those of Amelia Earhart. Although they cannot be 100% sure without those actual bones which have become lost again, we can now at least debunk the mrogynistic myth that, although women might get lost sometimes, only men can get lost all of the time.

My “Ugly to the Bone” award goes to Facebook 

The ugly [in]side of Facebook was exposed as it was being publicly called out and skinned alive all over the world.  Who’da thunk that the beauty of a product that was initially designed to rate who was hot on campus would only be skin deep.  Oh well, their “thick skin” response to a tsunami of criticism across 2018 could be an indication that at least they are not also shallow.

My “Badder than Bad News” award goes to the Gulf of Oman

Despite its continued growth to 8,776 square miles (it’s now the size of New Jersey), the Gulf of Mexico off the coast of Louisiana is no longer the largest dead zone on the planet. That title must be passed to another massive zone of low dissolved oxygen in the Gulf of Oman south of Iran.  At 63,000 square miles (the size of Florida) it is seven times larger than last year’s champ. Ironically last year’s champ that has decimated the Louisiana shrimp fishery is now a shrimp by comparison.

My “What? Well I Never!” award goes to the Woeful Office

America’s tariffically, business savvy Chess Master-in-Chief is awash with righteous indignation and surprise when China responds to his opening move in a trade war to end all wars by levying some counter tariffs of their own.  Many more will follow as the Dodder trades “twittariffs” with everyone else in the world too.

My “Missouri Needs a New Slogan” award goes to belief systems

Believe it or not, it’s no longer just what you hear and read that is suspect, new technology “shows me” everything we see is sketchy too.

My “Capital Idea” award goes to Communist China.

The Peoples Republic of China are continuing to replace workers with more (and more advanced) robots.  Note:  The one doing all the talking in this video is not the robot (…I think).

My “For Korean Out Loud” award goes to the “Nut Rage” Sisters

Two crazy rich Asian Korean Air Executives are fired by the CEO, their dad, for going nuts at their work place.

My “Peace Surprise” award goes to… North & South Korea  

Although many still doubt the sincerity of North Korea’s promise of nuclear disarmament, no one can deny that this year’s unprecedented cooperation and face to face meetings between the Korean leaders represents a major first step to peace on the Korean Peninsula.

My “Pop goes the Populism” award goes to Ontario Premier Doug Ford

Apparently Ontarians were too busy snickering at the goings on south of the 49^th to pay attention to their own backyard. It’s Monkey See Monkey Dope meets the Butterfly Effect when a lunatic Toronto mayor emboldens a lunatic American president that in turn emboldens a Lunatic Ontario premier (and a host of other lunatics the world over) to believe that only they know how to make everything great again. They are clearly wrong and Sir Winston Churchill who (allegedly) said, “the best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter” was clearly right.

My “Dumbell Peace Meddle” award goes to… The Dodder 

America’s Megalomeddler-in-Chief showed the world exactly why he was (or was not) so successful in all of his past real-estate ventures. Although he was selling his decision to move the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem as a long overdue step to advance the Middle East peace process, it immediately sparked protests that led to 58 dead Palestinians and another 2400 wounded.

My “Stop! Bang! or I’ll Shoot’” award goes to a Jury in Florida

A jury weighing the facts of a wrongful death suit over a policeman’s 2014 shooting of a man accused of playing loud music in his garage, decide the victim was 99% to blame because he was so clearly intoxicated.  The victim’s family is awarded $4 in damages (a dollar to the mother for funeral costs and another dollar for each of his three children).

My “Shape of Things to Come” award goes to Gerrymandering

American democracy continues to spiral out of control as they continue to accept a system that allows their politicians to select who votes for them as opposed to the other way around.  Yes, despite waning support with the masses, He-who-cannot-be-believed and his Republican cohorts can sit pretty while their opponents are seeking therapy in the ugly inkblots that are their allotted electoral districts.  The jury may still be out on whether the Americans will ever wake up and take back their freedom to choose, but so long as the gerrymander is still out there, the outcome of their elections will always be preordained.

My “Most Fake Orgasms” award goes to any one of the talking heads at Fox News (on any given day)

Fox News will always be my go to guy for a “fairly unhinged” alternative to the real world news networks.

My “Lie Me a River” award goes to President Donald Trump

Hard to believe but someone (Daniel Dale, a Canadian reporter) is actually keeping count.  Oh well, at least no one can say you can’t count on America’s Confounder-in-Chief for something.

My “Heinous Envy” award goes to Yep! Him Again

Always one to hang with the enemies of free speech (lest it be free of criticism to his regime), America’s Conspiracy Theorist-in-Chief does not dick around when he comes out in support of giving Saudi Prince MBS a hall-pass for the alleged murder of Saudi newspaper reporter Jamal Khashoggi.  Just two months earlier he seemed to have other thoughts when he called those allegations, “the worst cover-up in the history of coverups.”

My Two Negatives Make a Positive award goes to Same Guy as above, and above that, and…

Finally, something positive from the woeful office. America’s Conspiracy Theorist-in-Chief is “POSITIVE” Google and the other internet tech firms are conspiring to return only those stories and tweets that paint him in a negative light.  This, his latest negative attack on (everyone else’s) reality, is replete with loosely veiled threats of state censorship for news and the internet.  Coincidentally, this positively negative attack on negative Trump stories makes waves as our hero is being outed by his lawyer for conspiring to buy (but, apparently, not suppress) all the negative dirt The National Inquirer had on him.

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