Tag Archive: 2022 Year in Review
Jan 01
Quote of the Year 2022
“The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.”
–Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, in response to America’s offer to evacuate him from Kyiv
Runner up:
“I don’t [expletive] care that they have weapons. They’re not here to hurt me,” “Let my people in. They can march to the Capitol from here.”
— a Donald Trump Whitehouse Aide’s testimony, on his response when told the Secret Service was turning armed protestors away from his Jan 6, 2021 rally
Jan 01
Other Awards 2022
Our “Special Operations R us(sia)” award goes to Russia
Russia is falling victim to a homegthrown oil[ygarch] shortage of its own when the billionaire chairman of Russia’s Lukoil dies in a Special Ambulatory Operation out a hospital window in Moscow. Russia’s News Agency is calling it a suicide. No word as to whether it was assisted or not, and if so, apparently even billionaires can’t expect special treatment in Russia where a trip out the window is still the best assisted suicide that even a billionaire’s money can buy. Ravil Maganov is only the fourth Russian energy oligarch (that we know of) to have died in especially unusual circumstances in the special months since Putin’s special operations began last February.
Our “Bleak Prospects” award goes to Russian Generals
For the first time in living memory top spot on the list of the world’s most dangerous jobs did not belong to either Fishers or Loggers. In 2022, it was Russian Generals who were putin’ their life on the line above and beyond all other occupations. Yes, the Russian army is in a state of general chaos and the rapid attrition within this rank does not bode well for the future of Russia’s other occupation (of Eastern Ukraine). Putin’s ability to recruit replacements could meet with as much or more resistance from prospective candidates than his special occupation has met in Ukraine.
Our “Stupid is as Stupid Does” award goes to the Canadian Freedom Convoy.
A small minority of Canadian truckers who are afraid of being vaccinated against Covid-19 drive across Canada and park their rigs on the Ambassador Bridge, a border crossing that generates a quarter of US-Canada trade. Why? Because they thought it was unfair that they were required to be vaccinated in order to cross into the United States (but apparently quite fair for them to prevent the majority of truckers on both sides of the border who were not afraid of the needle to traverse the border). Among the other demands voiced by this gaggle of “special interest group’s” unelected leaders [none of whom were truckers] was the request that Canada’s unelected Governor General and unelected Senate dissolve it’s elected parliament and name members of Canada Unity (another unelected special interest group) to form a Canadian Citizens Committee. Bottom Line: The majority of voices in my head have elected to call a spade a shovel. The Freedom Convoy was a failed “Authoritarian My Way or the Highway Anti-Democracy Special (self) Interest Group Putsch”
Related Quote [from the archive]:
“Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.” ― Winston S. Churchill
Related Statistic:
The High Costs of Misguided Leadership (at both extremes) |
|
SNC-Lavalin Coverup (2017-19) Costs: |
negligible (plus whatever PM Trudeau’s credibility is worth) |
WE Charity Scandal (2020) Costs: |
$0 (plus whatever PM Trudeau’s credibility is worth) |
Aga Khan Affair Costs: |
$50 Million (plus whatever PM Trudeau’s credibility is worth) |
Pointless 2021 Snap Election Costs: |
$600 Million (plus whatever PM Trudeau’s credibility is worth) |
Freedom Convoy (2022) costs: |
$6 Billion (plus whatever the Convoy leaders’ credibility is worth) |
Our “Cold Dead Hands” award goes to Lebanese banks
In a year where money was tight for everyone, Lebanese banks clung tightest of all when they refused to allow clients to withdraw “their” money even after they took everyone in the bank hostage at gunpoint. Some even threatened to set themselves (and the bank) on fire. Soldiers were summoned to protect the clients from themselves and “their” money.
Our “Birds of Feather” award goes to Trump’s Flock
A gaggle of wingnuts had their wings clipped in 2022 for their part in their walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, Big Bird’s attempted insurrection on Jan 6, 2021. Hitler Moustache guy was just one of many strange birds of the nutso, neo-nazi kind who flocked to (and parroted) their Führerious leader’s cries of fowl in the 2020 presidential election. Still proud of his boys, the Dodder is providing financial assistance for some of the defendants with the added promise of full pardons and official government apologies to all.
Our “Big Boob Boo!” award goes to Mentor
This breast implant manufacturing affiliate of Allergan and Johnson & Johnson’s was found to be less than upfront when reporting incidents of injuries and complications surrounding their product. Of course, what would you expect from a company who is in the business of augmenting realty? Perhaps the bigger boobs in this story are the Government and hospitals who were relying on those companies to be on point when exposing their faults[ies] to the public.
Our “YouthandAsia” award goes to Indonesia
Indonesia kills the concepts of friends with benefits and hooking up when it makes pre- and extra-marital sex a crime replete with stiff prison sentences of one year for sex and 6 months for living with someone you are not married to.
Our “Capital Hillbillies” award goes to the [Cdn] Freedom Convoy
Or rather the leadership (or lack thereof) on both sides. In a word bizarre (but what should we expect when Jethro Bodine is our Prime Minister)? Yes, one year after the American Hillbillies stormed their capital, Canada experienced an insurrection of its own. What is it about Capital Hills that only seems to attract the broken and destitute from all corners of a country? The bad news is that, even though that episode is over, we still have Jethro and about 649 other fools on the hill. The good news is that “if” any of the civil or criminal cases find their way into court, the truckers will be able to plead their fundamental case (if there is one) based on reportable facts without the surrounding carnival of “noise”.
Our “Special Interests” award goes to the Freedom Convoy Leaders
It’s hard to overlook the irony of a minority of truckers protesting the Covid-19 protocol’s impact on their life, liberty and ability to cross borders by waiting for said protocols to be lifted and then locking down their Country’s borders and the business districts of cities to the majority. But that is what makes democracy so great – the fact that free speech makes it easier to determine who the stupid people are. Looking on the bright side (which also reflects poorly on the truckers) at least Ottawa had some clowns at their winter carnival in 2022.
Our “This Isn’t Sparta” award goes to 300x10 American troops
Yes we’ve seen some inflation since the days of King Leonidas and his 300, but one thing hasn’t changed. Nothing pisses off a sociopathic imperialist and tyrant like a little democracy. Putin’s spokes-puppets accidentally foreshadowed the poor fighting readiness of his invasion force of 100,000 Russian soldiers massing on the Ukrainian border when they vehemently condemned America’s response of deploying 3000 American troops to Eastern Europe as being an unprovoked and dangerous escalation of tensions. Trust bluster like that to leonidus (me and my voices) to be putin some perspective to those numbers. Apparently the Russians had already known that a 33-1 advantage (or much, much higher when you consider none of the 300x10 troops were sent to Ukraine or anywhere en mass for that matter) would still lead to a “destructive” [Russia’s words not mine] outcome for their invasion force.
Our “Gross Domestic Product” award goes to Canada
The next time you feel obligated to raise a stink over the poor quality of that crap other countries are exporting to your household (and/or storage locker) consider this: Canada’s estimated total waste generation is the largest in the entire world. It has an estimated annual waste total of 1,325,480,289 metric tons. Given Canada’s population of 36.7 million, that’s an estimated annual waste per capita of 36.1 metric tons per Canadian of any age.
Our “Mine’s Bigger” award goes to Vladimir Putin’s Table
It’s not that Vlad is afraid of the people banished to the far reaches of the other end of that table. Nor is it an anger management ploy to protect them from his own ability to reach over and get his hands around their throats. [We believe] Putin’s gigantic table was commissioned for the sole purposes of ensuring that no-one would ever be able to turn the table on him.
Runners Up: While on the subject of records held by big dicks, here is the rest of the leader board.
Our “Sounds Like a Matter of Taste” award goes to Dyson Zone
Sure you can wash your mouth out with soap, but why not use a vacuum instead. Dyson, a company famous for their vacuum cleaners, introduced its new Dyson Zone headphones with a wraparound mouthpiece that will clean the filth out of the air before it gets to your mouth. It’s still too early to tell exactly how much it will or will not suck, but fashion experts and hipsters everywhere agree it’s going to come down to a matter of taste.
Our “Location, Location, Location” award goes to 2541 E. 40th Ave
The most appealing quality of this not so hot property listed at $4.888M in Vancouver, Canada seems to be the fact that a strong wind if not a big bad wolf could save the buyer the costs of demolition.
Our “Start the Car!” award goes to a Dutch 4-yr old
Dutch police apprehended a not so grand theft auto enthusiast as he was fleeing the scene of a three car accident. Fortunately for the 4-yr old no-one was harmed and the police were not American (i.e. armed). The mother has been instructed to ground the boy and put her car keys in lockdown.
Our “Cownary in the Coal Mine” award goes to Prairie Cattle
While Canadian Prairie ranchers are blaming successive years of drought and the scarcity of cattle feed for their inability to sustain their herds. Meanwhile, Prairie fossil fuel barons are concerned other Prairie people if not politicians might heed this warning.
Our “Poor Judgment” award goes to the US Supreme Court
In an apparent attempt to make American laws medieval again, five Republican Supreme Court Justices rule that women must have babies if the State tells them to.
Our “Mild, Mild, West” award goes to the Uvalde, Police Force
In the rough and tough Republican State of Texas, police officers elect to circle the wagons while a lunatic strolls through an Elementary School and kills 19 kids and 2 teachers. Perhaps they were waiting until high noon to gun down the bad guy… “The Texas Way.”
Our “Unhappiest Birthday Celebration” award goes to the NRA
The National Rifle Association (NRA) celebrated its 150th Anniversary “trying to regroup following a period of serious legal and financial turmoil that included a failed bankruptcy effort, a class action lawsuit and a fraud investigation by New York’s Attorney General. Speaking of failures, bankruptcies, lawsuits and fraud investigations Donald Trump spoke at their convention in Houston, Texas just three days after (and 4 hours down the road from) the Uvalde Elementary School shootings. Uvalde was just one of the 648 pointless mass shootings in 2022 that amassed 672 dead and 2705 injured Americans. Last year’s overall total for Americans who died victims of gun violence was 44,190.
In a related story: The U.S. Congress passed their 1st gun control legislation in decades. That was of course before it was taken over by the latest gang of trigger-happy Republicans.
Our “You Can’t Handle the Truth” award goes to PM Trudeau’s Canada
Canada’s PM Justin (it for my inner circle) Trudeau “has adopted 72 secret orders-in-council — hidden from Parliament and Canadians — since coming to office”. That’s already (in just 6 years) more than twice as many as his Conservative predecessor (who reigned supreme for 10 years).
Our “Knickers in a Knot” award goes to France
While Iran was unravelling over the morality (or lack thereof) of headscarves (or the lack thereof); France found itself immersed in hot water over their ban on any woman’s choice to wear a swimsuit that did not fit their French sense of fashion morality (or lack thereof).
Our “Hottest Immigrants” award goes to India
Canadian immigrants from India are all but guaranteed an XXX rating in the eyes of Canadian Authorities.
Our “Hair Brained Ideas” award goes to grease balls
Using a maxim long understood by your average grease ball (i.e., that human hair can absorb 5 times its weight in oil), a non-profit environmental organization called Matter of Trust is turning donated hair into mats used to soak up oil spills on land, and booms (long tubes) used for spills at sea.
Our “Inseparable” award goes to Thai Elephant Mom and Baby
Because in an otherwise miserable year, even some elephants found themselves down and in need of a big little pick-me-up.
Our ”Power of Thinking Differently” award goes to Donald Trump
Although not the most mindful class act in America, you wouldn’t know it from an interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News channel, when America’s ex-big giant head of state explained that he could declassify documents just by thinking about declassifying them. No wonder, Mr. Mindful[of himself], can bend reality just by thinking something else is or was happening. Here’s hoping he doesn’t think he would be better off without people who don’t absolutely worship his omniscient munificence.
Our “Same Bolshit, Different Day” award goes to Jair Bolsonaro
It’s déjà vu all over again as the outgoing Brazilian President Bolsonaro stokes election denial chaos in his country by refusing to acknowledge his electoral defeat. During his election campaign he claimed the voting machines were rigged and “only God” could remove him from office. At the risk of going to extremes, it’s almost as if, “When you are never wrong, you must be Right”
Our “Law of Supply and Demand” award goes to Donald Trump
Why does America have more lawyers per capita than any other country on the planet? Just ask Donald “I cannot tell a lie” Trump who managed to amass 30,573 false or misleading claims during his 4 presidency. That’s right, our Money, Money, Money, Money boy named Sue with a lega[l]cy of over 4000 and counting lawsuits is a firm believer in his Law of Supply and Demand. His demands are very, very, very probably the drove most if not all of his presidential decisions to supply the US Supreme Court and other US and District Courts of Appeal with 234 of his very, very, very probably favorite people. No telling how many have already returned or will be returning that favour.
Our “There will be a Slight Delay” award goes to France
Mehran Nasseri, an Iranian refugee who lived in Charles De Gaul Airport for almost two decades, died after a heart attack at the airport. In defense of the airport, they didn’t lose his luggage (because it was stolen before he got there).
Our “TruDoh!” award goes to Justin Trudeau
Apparently the Canadian Prime Minister’s definition of a measured diplomatic response is the distance between his thumbs and Twitter (might be a North American thing). Justine thumbed his “knows” at truth and diplomacy when he broadcast his “misinterpretation” of events in Iran to the world.
Our “My Biggest Loser” award goes to Elon Musk
Unable to extricate himself from his offer to purchase Twitter for $44 billion, Elon learns a valuable lesson: what trolls around, runs aground.
Our “Flu the Coop” award goes to millions of Avian Flu casualties
Fearing a clucker revolt over avian flu mandates the EU and UK euthanize millions of little peckers.
Jan 01
Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream Year-End Reviews 2022
“Even if I do the Odd Job here and there for my idol, no-one will ever mistake me for his Mini-Me(galomaniac)”
It was a Blowfeld around Donnie Dummkopf’s world when he outed himself as just one more Putin minion by endorsing Vladimir’s invasion of Ukraine as an act of “genius” (perhaps in hopes that said evil genius that he “knows very, very well”) might toss the Odd Job his way. Oh well, the Dodder can rest assured that although people will never confuse him for someone who might be the bigger man (unless it be in the roundabout way), or a brain, he will be, pound for pound, the biggest Mini-Me(galomaniac) ever to serve an evil genius bent on global domination.
Related Quote: This is genius. Putin declares a big portion of the Ukraine — of Ukraine. Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that’s wonderful. So, Putin is now saying, “It’s independent,” a large section of Ukraine. I said, “How smart is that?” And he’s gonna go in and be a peacekeeper. That’s strongest peace force… We could use that on our southern border. That’s the strongest peace force I’ve ever seen. There were more army tanks than I’ve ever seen. They’re gonna keep peace all right. No, but think of it. Here’s a guy who’s very savvy… I know him very well. Very, very well.
-Donald Trump on what he calls Putin’s Peacekeeping Mission in Ukraine
“US Repugnantcans exercise their unalienable right to ban books, not firearms”
Some cats (if not pussies) on a Tennessee School board ban “Maus”, a Pulitzer Prize winning graphic novel of the holocaust that depicts the Nazi’s as cats and the Jews as mice. They cite some nude pictures [of mice], some “cussing” and a suicide as the grounds for their Orwellian intervention.
“We interrupt our regularly scheduled propaganda with these special announcements”
Concerned that their special missiles and bombs might not be enough to bring Ukraine to its special knees, State controlled (aka all) TV stations in Russia bombard everyone with bombshells like, its not our special soldiers, it’s the Ukrainians that are bombing their own cities. To further counter what is described as “fake news and rumours” emanating from every news agency on the planet that is not controlled by (or allied with) Vladimir Putin, The Russian Government (aka Putin) announces that they are launching a new internet website where “only true information will be published”. Two days later Russia banned Facebook when it refused to stop fact-checking Russian state media posts.
From the Archives: Putin’s long shadow (because some people do have a history of blowing up their own people to get what they want).
“It’s all fun and games until someone threatens to hang a Republican Vice-President”
Both the US Congress and Senate vote almost unanimously in favour of Anti-Lynching legislation that they previously voted down no less than 200 times since it was first proposed 100 years ago. This might be the only case of bipartisan cooperation in the otherwise hung jury of old white guys that is US politics. All it took was an unhinged outgoing president who just wanted to hang around (with, or needs be, without his Vice President) to get everyone regardless of political stripe to realize, “Hey wait a minute this one has suddenly become really, really, important. Now, it’s not just the rabble, our necks are on the line too.”
“Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?”
Not Albertan pigs. In Canada’s home of the grizzly bear, wildlife officials have now declared feral pigs, “the worst invasive large mammal on the planet”. That’s right you can forget about artificial intelligence and the coming robocalypse. Alberta is already being overrun by super smart pigs that aren’t afraid of anyone or anything. Just another reason mankind is too stupid to evolve (because when we are not becoming enslaved by the intelligent machines we are building to serve our bidding, we are being overrun by the intelligent animals we are raising to serve at dinner).
“Holy shit Hollywood! Grow up!”
Although Will Smith needs to give himself a slap, he wasn’t the only Hollywood star that shat the bed on the global stage last year.
Related Award: Our “Best Picture Award” goes to the James Webb Telescope
For those of you who prefer not to focus on the galaxy of fragile egos that inhabit Hollywood, NASA’s new $10 billion James Webb Telescope is now showcasing only the very highest quality of stars.
“Big Drug finds itself still dogged by yet another scandal”
More headaches and supply chain issues (and 4001 damnations) for Big Drug when they lose another pet project to meddling activists.
“Leaping Lizards! …Not”
Forget about cats and dogs, it was raining iguanas in Florida last January after temperatures dropped to 40o F (4o C). Although Florida is populated by more than its fair share of fossils, if not fossil fuel enthusiasts of the climate denier kind, there was no denying that those Floridians were expending some green energy dodging this latest downpour. This was their second [Iguan]apocalypse over the past 5 years.
“Red Rover, Red Rover, drag his ass over”
Holy WWF, Batman! In London England, Chinese embassy employees led by their flamboyant Bobby “The Brain” Heenanesque manager drag a protester through the front gates of their embassy for a lights out match. Fortunately some other London bobbies invaded the compound and liberated the protestor before any-one died or disappeared. When all was said and done the Red officials claimed they were just defending themselves when the protestor came over and invaded their compound despite what the camera footage depicted. In both diplomacy and fair play, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a lie.
“European climate debate heats up when England joins the fry”
England was derailed on track to setting a new summer heat record when temperatures exceeding 40oC for the first time in recorded history caused their rails to expand and forced a shutdown of train traffic. 2022 tied 2018 for their hottest summer since records began in 1884.
“Art museums hamelin problems as pied painters suffer rising costs of living”
In a vain attempt to raise public awareness on the mounting costs of global warming, climate activists around the world have taken to throwing food at cultural works of art. Alas with the price of food these days their effort may have only made those works increase in value. One misbegotten protest in London clearly fell upon deaf ear (a Van Gogh). Struggling artists everywhere are now begging activists to throw a little food their way.
“Russian’s vote for democracy”
While Putin is russian’ to export his brand of special not so free referenda to free Eastern Ukraine of democracy, and a special mobilization lottery to support his special military aberration, many of his comrades who have no other voting options are russian’ to vote with their feet by taking special road trips to the nearest border that is not Ukraine.
“It’s déjà vu all over again, comrade”
Vlad, the Window Usher’s mobilization of untrained troops with rusty rifles to die in Ukraine reads very much like his imperial WWI counterpart’s strategy. Moreover, his illegal invasion of Ukraine in the first place reads very much like the strategy of the German nut job who invaded Russia during WWII. Just who do you think you are Vlad? Russian Tzar Nicholas II, whose own people (your people) put a commemorative volley of bullets in his head; or Hitler, who did the deed himself? Regardless this is probably not going to end well for you.
“A tale of two biddies”
After Queen Elizabeth II swears Liz Truss in as the new British Prime Minister, the Queen promptly dropped dead. My voices can’t agree on whether it took longer for the Brits to bury their Queen Liz (seemed to take a very long time) than it took their Prime Minister Liz to bury herself (not very long at all).
“Out of the flying plane, into the fire”
Wile E Coyote couldn’t have scripted this crash landing better. Things went from bad to worse for this unfortunate pilot yet in the end he came out pretty lucky.
“All the ‘Right’ stuff to become Putin’s next protégé for President of the US?”
Russian State news (a.k.a. Putin’s propaganda) channels have been instructed to feature FOX News shock jockey Tucker Carlson as much as possible in their Ukraine military operation coverage. Hey, if you don’t have the money or the mettle to stage a successful campaign you still might get by with a little help from the “really, really, Right” kind of friends.
“My fellow Americans, let your crazed Ye out.”
In the land of opportunity, a bipolar rapper, with some outlandish ideas announces his bid for the American Presidency in 2024. Ye for President(s who are a little off)!
Related Award: Best T-Shirt (I’ve seen) this year:
“Reminder: Don’t forget to get the cash up front”
There was lots of buzz surrounding a new Alzheimer’s breakthrough drug called Lecanemab; however, it is still shrouded with plenty of caveats and questions. I suspect the only absolute certainty is that they won’t forget to slap an exorbitant sticker price on the end product and then encourage everyone not to forget to be tested earlier and often along with another reminder that doctors should push as many pills as possible. Oh, I almost forgot, they will definitely remember to demand all payments up front, just in case the drug doesn’t live up to its limited expectations.
“Chinese electric cars don’t kill people (or fly, or bounce)”
The Chinese automaker Nio was quick to drive home the fact that their electric car was not responsible for its inability to fly and/or bounce after it plummeted from a 3rd floor window and killed both of its test drivers.
“Peruvians go all out for peace on earth by ringing a different kind of bell”
When the gift of giving gets out of hand, the Peruvians won’t deck the halls on Christmas Day, they take it outside (just like our dads taught us) where they can find peace on earth (not to mention a few teeth).
Jan 01
New Words 2022
The following words were added to the Oxford and/or Merriam-Webster dictionaries over the course of 2022.
Adorkable (adj.) – Socially awkward or quirky in a way that is endearing.
Baller (adj.) – Excellent, exciting, or extraordinary, especially in a way that is suggestive of a lavish lifestyle.
Cringe (adj.) – So embarrassing, awkward, etc. as to cause one to cringe: cringeworthy.
FWIW (abbrev.) – for what it’s worth
Galentine’s Day (n.) – A holiday observed on February 13th as a time to celebrate friendships especially among women.
Goblin Mode (n.) – a type of behaviour which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy, typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations
Greenwashing (n.) – The act or practice of making a product, policy, activity, etc. appear to be more environmentally friendly or less environmentally damaging than it really is.
ICYMI (abbrev.) – in case you missed it
Janky (adj.) – Of very poor quality: junky; also: not functioning properly or adequately: faulty.
Lewk (n.) – A fashion look … that is distinctive to the wearer and that is noticeable and memorable to others.
MacGyver (v.) – To make, form, or repair (something) with what is conveniently on hand.
Meatspace (n.) – The physical world and environment especially as contrasted with the virtual world of cyberspace.
Permacrisis (n.) – an extended period of instability and insecurity
Shrinkflation (n.) – The practice of reducing a product’s amount or volume per unit while continuing to offer it at the same price.
Side Hustle (n.) – Work performed for income supplementary to one’s primary job.
Situationship (n.) – Less than a relationship, but more than a booty call, a situationship refers to a romantic relationship that is, and will remain, undefined.
Sponcon (n.) – Content posted by an influencer on social media that looks like a typical post but for which the poster has been paid to advertise a product or service.
Stagflation (n.) – persistent inflation combined with stagnant consumer demand and relatively high unemployment
Virtue Signaling (n.) – The act or practice of conspicuously displaying one’s awareness of and attentiveness to political issues, matters of social and racial justice, etc., especially instead of taking effective action.
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2023
2023 marks a year free of Russian President Putin’s usual acts of “naked aggression”. Experts say it is because, his body politic (and jowls) have relaxed to the point where he can no longer go shirtless without his population wondering why he is looking so overly well fed while everyone else’s cupboards are bare.
Vladmir Putin announces that although none of his special forces were killed by Ukrainians, their families should brace themselves for a shit ton of closed coffins containing his special army’s unfortunate victims of a special Ukrainian strain of Covid-19.
A new reality show called “Who Wants to be a Russian General” fails horribly, partly because that is what Russian Generals are expected to do, but mostly because they are unable to find a single contestant. Putin claims a victory of sorts given that at least no-one shot down his idea for the show; however, the show producers’ pitch for a second season “goes out the window.”
Banks everywhere report unprecedented profits after they raise their Money for Nothing banking fees while at the same time reducing the amount of cash per hostage that anyone can withdraw on any given day. The WITHDRAW button on their ATMs is replaced with two new innovative service options: TAKE HOSTAGES; and SET SELF ON FIRE.
Indonesia relegates the United States to (a distant) 2nd place on the national incarceration rates leader board when the majority of its lustful citizens are willing to risk (or perhaps because they prefer) 1 year in prison over a life sentence in wedlock.
The U.S. Supreme Court passes a new law requiring book publishers and Hollywood Studios to put cloths on all animals (especially mice).
Claiming Hollywood gunfights, beatings, and gore should be adequate to convey emotion on the big screen, the U.S. Supreme Court outlaws the use of cuss words of any kind in movies or on TV. Mimes rejoice but Samuel L. Jackson kills himself when he realizes he will never work in that town again.
The 2023 Academy Awards slap on some new security measures. Bouncers, armed with animal control catch poles, line the stage just in case any of the artists get off their escort’s leash. Republican members of The Academy boycott the event on the grounds that everyone’s newly mandated Hannibal Lector psycho restraint mask is an affront to their god given right to deliver their best performance when expressing their feelings. Amber Heard walks away with the first ever Award for Best Hissy Fit by a Member of the Audience when she wriggles out of her diaper and shits on her beau’s chair.
Fossil fuel companies and other soulless corporations that are polluting the planet, their shareholders, and the uber rich 1% that have been profiting from them get with the green energy program after all of the governments everywhere inform them that they will be responsible for insuring and underwriting all of the costs associated with climate change. Some initially balk until their accountants inform them that most if not all of their beach front businesses, homes, and forested country estates have long been deemed uninsurable by Insurance Companies (a.k.a. the Godfathers of Capitalism) and; therefore; will be toast if they don’t have the tax-payers to fall back on.
Rich landowners everywhere (those that cannot afford to rocket off to another world, and/or purchase yachts of biblical (ark sized) proportion, begin to move inland and sell, sell, sell their waterfront property while buy, buy, buying everything that they can find that is 200 feet above sea level with access to a stable source of fresh water (which rules out most of the USA).
The organizers of the Canadian Freedom Convoy and the US Capital Riots are deported to their choice of the Russia or Shanghai, China to live out their lives in an environment where elections don’t matter and their freedom to occupy a neighboring country’s border, shutdown commerce, and overthrow the ruling government will be free of the heavy handed authoritarian tyranny of the Canadian and US authorities.
Forget about blue-chip, a whole new level of stock ratings called “rock-hard” is born when Valentia Energy announces that they have added a new pulse setting on their eCoin bladder control implant that allows the user to combat both erectile disfunction and premature ejaculation. Viagra stocks sag to rock-bottom.
Bar owners (but not their men’s rooms) are awash with a tsunami of rock-hard beer sales when everyone discovers that the e-coin can also reduce trips to the urinal after that first couple beers.
A freedom convoy of autonomous smart cars from all over Europe converged on the city of Utrecht in the Netherlands on news of last year’s unconstitutional lockdown of a 4-yr old’s car keys.
The U.S. Securities Commission tracks last year’s unusual spike in purchases of Baby Formula Company stocks back to Donald Trump and five other of Republican Supreme Court Justices. They are found guilty of insider trading, influence peddling, and milking women’s rights for profit. They are sentenced to breast pumps for life.
The NRA goes bankrupt when its members are asked to foot the bill for all the helpful school safety ideas they have put forward in lieu of making it harder for lunatics to purchase firearms that fire 3 rounds per second (that’s 60 times faster than the Brown Bess musket that fired 3 rounds per minute back in 1791 when the 2nd Amendment was framed).
The end of populism and voting for the prettiest candidate when Canadians, tired of waiting for election reforms, elect to cast their votes for the least liked candidate who is likely to have the fewest (and preferably zero) friends. Suddenly, for the first time in the recorded (and secret) history of parliamentary politics, cronyism is nowhere to found and only the tax payers profit.
The US Supreme Court outlaws Islam, Christianity and any other faith that does not specifically worship Donald J. Trump as its supremely intelligent godhead.
Canadian PM Justin Trudeau responds to his Liberal Party’s attempt to keep his flashy sock feet out of his mouth by giving him a time out on Twitter by starting his own social media platform which he calls, “Truth North Wrong and Me.” Donald Trump immediately launches a lawsuit on the grounds that there can only be one Me in the world of Social Media platforms. Elon Musk disagrees and kicks Donald off of Twitter, again.
After paying $40 billion for a company that has never recorded a profit, and then driving share values to rock bottom Elon Musk admits be does not have a head for business. Alas he manages to double down on his propensity for picking losers when he hires Ex-British PM Liz Truss to take over the helm and steer Twitter back into the black. It takes less than a week for her to shepherd the company into the black abyss.
After Russian citizens are invited to take an all expenses paid 5 day vacation on their choice of any of the yachts seized from Putin, his family, and oligarch friends; or anywhere in the world at their choice of properties seized from same, Putin’s iron grip on Russia evaporates and he finds himself hanging upside down in Red Square surrounded by the wives and mothers of solders lost during his invasion of Ukraine.
Authoritarian politicians everywhere put out a hit on all unmarried Ukrainian men and Iranian women for fear that they might marry and procreate a new species of fearless, anti-authoritarian, super-soldiers. All other heads of state and their handlers (outside of Ukraine) support the action for fear that said offspring would also become super heads of state that would be both unbeatable in an election and uncontrollable thereafter.
Jan 01
Vital Statistics 2022
| Vital Statistics | 2022 | 2021 | 2020 | … | 2012 |
| a Canadian dollar is worth | $0.73US | $0.79US | $0.79US | … | $ 1.00US |
| an ounce of Gold is worth | $1,824US | $1.830US | $1,899US | … | $1,664US |
| a Bitcoin is worth | $16,520US | $46,820US | $29,259US | … | $13.51US |
| S&P/TSX Composite Index | 19,384 | 21,223 | 17,433 | … | 12,433 |
| your share of the National Debt | $33,802 | $31,423 | $17,433 | … | $18,056 |
| the average Housing Price in Ottawa is | $656,023 | $682,096 | $540,500 | … | $351,792 |
| a domestic Postage Stamp costs | $1.07 | $1.07 | $1.07 | … | $0.59 |
| a local call on a Bell pay phone | $0.50 | $0.50 | $0.50 | … | $0.50 |
| a liter of Pepsi costs | $3.79 | $2.79 | $2.79 | … | $2.49 |
| a liter of water costs | $2.59 | $2.49 | $2.39 | … | $2.29 |
| a liter of milk costs (purchased in a four liter bag) | $1.42 | $1.17 | $1.13 | … | $1.25 |
| a liter of gasoline costs | $1.46 | $1.33 | $1.04 | … | $1.14 |
| a loaf of bread costs | $3.99 | $3.59 | $3.49 | … | $3.39 |
| a paperback novel costs | $12.99 | $12.99 | $12.99 | … | $10.99 |
| a weekly (Time) magazine costs | $8.99 | $8.99 | $8.99 | … | $6.99 |
| a comic book costs | $5.50 | $5.50 | $5.25 | … | $2.99 |
| a daily newspaper costs | $3.00 | $2.38 | $2.38 | … | $1.19 |
| a regular bus ride costs | $3.75 | $3.65 | $3.60 | … | $3.30 |
| a medium cup of coffee costs | $1.83 | $1.83 | $1.79 | … | $1.52 |
| a basic cable television package | $24.99 | $24.99 | $24.99 | … | $37.81 |
| a first run movie rental costs | $6.99 | $4.99 | $4.99 | … | $5.99 |
| an adult’s movie theatre ticket costs | $12.99 | $13.50 | $12.99 | … | $10.99 |
| a children’s movie theatre ticket costs | $8.50 | $9.25 | $9.50 | … | $7.99 |
| Minimum wage (Ontario) | $15.50/hr | $14.35/hr | $14.25/hr | … | $10.25/hr |
| an adult men’s haircut | $24.00 | $21.00 | $21.00 | … | $18.00 |
| a medium combination pizza | $22.00 | $21.75 | $19.95 | … | $17.25 |
| a roll of toilet paper (based on price of a pack of 8) | $1.48 | $1.33 | $1.13 | … | $ 1.00US |
| 2022 | 2021 | 2020 | |
| Births this year | 133,990,136 | 140,086,055 | 140,469,885 |
| Deaths (Covid-19 Deaths) this year | 67,095,983(1,225,106) | 58,811,482(3,511,231) | 58,972,622(1,941,761) |
| Net Annual population growth | 66,894,154 | 81,274,573 | 81,497,263 |
| Current World Population | 8,008,590,852 | 7,917,257,610 | 7,835,983,035 |
Bonus – Other Vital Stat Meters at a Glance: https://www.worldometers.info/
Jan 01