Tag Archive: 2021 Year in Review
Jan 01
Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream Year-End Reviews 2021
“Camel Toed Beauties on Botox are Booted from Pageant”
Judges at Saudi Arabia’s most famous beauty pageant were beSaudi themselves when they discovered many of the beauties were using Botox and other banned substances to enhance their chances of packing off with a prize package worth $66 million. Forty (40) contestants were disqualified. By far, the pageant with the world’s biggest prize winnings, and definitely the only pageant in the world where camel toes are considered a prerequisite on all contestants, the annual King Abdulaziz Camel Festival showed not only the lengths the contestants were willing to go to win the contest, but also the lengths Saudi’s have to go in order to publicly celebrate beauty beyond the burka.
“Nobody Loves a Parade more than the Really Old Fossils”
Seven months after Cairo stages “the mummy of all parades”, another bunch of old fossils eclipse it in their race to save Mummy Nature at the Climate Summit in Glasgow, Scotland. US President Biden’s motorcade which was comprised of 21 vehicles “might” have been the largest; but it was still a vast improvement over the 85 car parade he put on a few days earlier when he poped in to visit another “old” friend in Rome.
“Getting the Lead Out…at a Snail’s Pace”
The United Nations announced that the world has officially gotten the lead out of all gasoline everywhere (roughly 50 years after global efforts seriously began to get the lead out).
“Automobile Industry appears poised to take off”
By George [Jetson] they’re finally here. When these vehicles hit the market they will be literally flying off the shelf.
“Authoritarian Rules China Light on US Politics too ”
Democracies everywhere (including, at least the Democrats in the USA) cry foul over the election process in Hong Kong because its citizens were only allowed to vote for candidates that were approved by Communist Party officials in Beijing. Meanwhile in America, where Republicans are apparently only allowed to vote for people approved by Donald Trump, Republican run states are russian to continue to find new ways to make it harder for non-republicans to vote. At the risk of Putin words in their mouths, “if you have to wait until the votes have been cast to cheat, you have waited too long.”
From the Archive: [The choice of a president] “should be made by men most capable of analyzing the qualities adapted to the station… [The Electoral College] affords a moral certainty that the office of President will never fall to the lot of any man who is not in an eminent degree endowed with the requisite qualifications.”
—Alexander Hamilton (the Federalist Papers) March 12, 1788
“Old Fossil, Fuels Debate”
Just when America’s oldest President thought be won the debate over his $1.75 trillion Build Back Better plan, Joe Manchin, another 70-something US Senator for the Democrat party rekindles that debate when he shoots his party’s bill down in flames. Manchin who is a former fossil-fuel executive with deep financial ties to the industry, was openly opposed to elements his party’s green agenda that were contained in the bill. Never one to shy away his next fresh breath of hot air, he wants to start again in the new year in order to salvage some sort of legislation.
“Some Canadian soldiers refuse to lay down their arms because they don’t want to be shot”
This Canadian “Band of Others” appeal to the Supreme court on the grounds that following orders that they be vaccinated “might” be hazardous to their health. “What do you mean it’s an order? Hey, I didn’t sign up for this! Yes, I’m afraid of being shot but you’ll thank me when I’m all that’s left to protect you (so long as I don’t believe it would be hazardous to my safety) when the government has successfully murdered 98% of the rest of the army.”
“Jones You Think Free Speech Makes the Idiots and Losers of the World So Much Easier to Spot?”
Alex Jones, the U.S. right-wing radio host of Infowars was found liable for defamation over his claims that portrayed the 2012 Sandy Hook school shootings as a hoax involving actors aimed at increasing gun control in America. In fact, Twenty first-graders and six educators were killed by a 20 year-old gunman.
“Perhaps Albertans are not Blinded by the Science so much as the Syphilis”
This year we learned that Canada’s provincial hot bed of climate deniers, anti-vaxxers, and conspiracy theorists might not be blinded by (or to) science so much as blinded by syphilis. Doctors have no idea why that sexually transmitted disease is so prevalent in Alberta (although there might be some correlation to the fact that most cases are being reported in areas that exhibit a fashion affinity for tinfoil Stetsons). A syphilis infection can cause problems with the heart and the brain and lead to blindness in some cases. Although the dictates of science and experience prove these outcomes can be prevented, first they have to convince their patients that 1) syphilis is a real disease; and 2) that penicillin is not just another mind control drug designed to subjugate their God given right to be stupid and to freely preach said stupidity.
“China Takes Another Baby Step Towards Freedom”
Chinese families are now free (to have three children) …but Uighurs need not apply.
“Texas takes a baby step toward defunding their police”
Their first baby step comes in the form of an abortion law that strictly prohibits enforcement by state officials or police. In a stroke of pure dystopian genius, only private citizens are allowed to enforce the law via lawsuits promising minimum rewards of $10,000.
“Now Absolutely Anyone (over 21) Can Make a Killing in Texas”
Texas lawmakers pass legislation that allows anyone over the age of 21 to carry a handgun without a license.
“Hunting for Trouble? Wisconsin allows a two kyle bag limit.”
Kyle Rittenhouse is found innocent when as the court rules it’s open season in Wisconsin for young bucks who want to go looking for trouble with a semiautomatic assault rifle. One can only speculate whether they would have been all white with it if Kyle had not been the white color (or, in that case, whether, he would have even survived his celebratory parade past the police and national guardsmen).
Meanwhile in Michigan: Two doting parents take advantage of a Black Friday sale to weaponize their (just a little) offspring.
That’s right folks, just two weeks after Kyle Rittenhouse is found innocent of taking his semiautomatic assault rifle and looking for trouble in Wisconsin, finding it, and shooting three persons who attempted to disarm him, a Michigan youth, goes hunting for trouble at his high school and shoots eleven. Like the Black Friday sale that spawned his gun purchase, it just seems to be the American way.
“Proud American Parents Can Now Give Their Kids the Gift that Keeps on Killing”
Just in time for Christmas, this particular model literally says, “Lego my right to bear arms.” Okay, it doesn’t literally say Lego, but it is a pretty good knock off that could provide your kids with hours and hours of copy-cat killing fun.
“Carry-On Flying the Not So Friendly Skies of American Airlines”
Airports in the United States are at a loss to explain why they have had to confiscate a record number of (5,674) firearms in 2021. One theory (mine) that also failed to get off the ground was that they were probably enroute to Wisconsin on a mercy mission to protect that State’s private property from itself. Ladies and gentlemen please fasten your seat belts and apply the safety to your carry-on until we reach cruising altitude. Our flight time to the suburbs of Wisconsin will be 2 hours. If you are hunting for trouble please refrain from shooting anyone until the pilot indicates that we have entered their air space.
“When it Rains it Pours Everything but the Kitchen Sink in British Columbia”
In a year where the province’s residents were losing sleep over blistering heat, record rainfalls, poor air quality and falling ash, Ruth Hamilton of Golden, B.C. counted her sleeplessness a blessing when a meteorite rained down through her bedroom ceiling.
“Boy Toy no More”
Mr. Potato Head underwent inverted conversion therapy in 2021 to become the gender neutral personality that now refers to itself as Potato Head.
“It’s the Best Drug Money Can Buy (if you can forget about their claims)”
Despite widespread criticism about its testing and effectiveness, the FDA has approved a new drug to combat one “possible” cause of Alzheimer’s Disease. Will it work? Should it have been contingently fast-tracked to market today when the drug company admits they are not likely to complete a required follow-up study to support their claims until 2030? Forget abouwt it. Oh, and although the actual costs per injection are still unclear, you can also forget about having to remember to pay the bill, because I’m betting they’ll demand those payments up front.
“From the Mouths of Babies”
After being banned from both Twitter and Facebook, ex-US President and Megagamaniac, Donald Trump suggested that he should have banned Facebook while he was in office, but said the company’s boss Mark Zuckerberg “kept calling me and coming to the White House for dinner telling me how great I was”.
“Chubby Unicorns are Head Over Heels with Newly Won Flight Arrangement”
Rhino, Rhino, I shouldn’t be fat shaming wide body air travellers, but while everyone, everywhere is complaining about air travel restrictions, things were looking up for the chubby unicorns. They were unable to mask their joy when they (and their research collaborators from Cornell University) won this prized air travel arrangement.
“The US Brokers a Free Trade Disagreement between Canada and China”
The US Department of Justice freed Canada to release Huawei executive Meng Wanzhou from 3 years of house arrest in her big Vancouver mansion after she agreed to disagree in writing that neither she nor her company were guilty of breaking any laws in their business dealings with Iran. Coincidentally, that same day, Michael Kovrig and Michael Spavor, were freed to return to Canada by the Chinese. The Two Michaels spent the same 3 year period arrested in a Chinese “Big House” for unidentified reasons that China claimed had nothing to do Meng’s detention. What everyone can agree to, perhaps fueled by everyone’s agreement to disagree, is that this trade has not made for very agreeable relations between any of the involved parties.
“The NFL Takes a Knee (to the groin) over more Mind-numbing Policy Revelations.”
The NFL was hit with a $1Billion settlement after being flagged for the illegal procedure of “race-norming,” their practice of reducing the number of claims paid to ex-players suffering from head injuries such as dementia on the assumption that black players start with lower cognitive functions.
“It’s all about me(anmarmy)”
The magnanimous military masters of Myanmar step in to protect the shit out of their citizens who the generals believe were robbed of the opportunity of voting for that same level of protection by what could have only been a stolen election (because the military’s party lost by a landslide). The general consensus of the generals who have never fought a pitched battle (fistfight or debate) with any enemy outside of Myanmar’s border is that they will “stop the steal” even if they have to fight to the very last citizen.
“Opinions are Like Birthday Suits, Everyone Has One”
A British Member of Parliament is openly attempting a cover-up by demanding a parliamentary debate aimed at outlawing online nudifier websites and technologies. Meanwhile in Canada, at least one Canadian Member of Parliament has exhibited his… opposition to any cover-ups.
“Hey Doll Face Voice, Just How Smart is Amazon’s Mentally Challenged Brainchild?”
Alexa challenges a 10-year old to touch a live electric plug with a penny. That’s right Amazon’s Alexa, trusted advisor and babysitter in millions of the world’s households, has some questioning whether she is in fact Artificial Intelligence or the latest incarnation of Chucky. Hey, it’s not just me, even the voices in my head all agree that it is not smart to give them (the voices) free access to your family all throughout the house.
“Covid-19 Just Might Cure What is Really Ailing the Canadian Economy”
Long a source of cures and medical breakthroughs, Canada is short on the production of cures and breakthroughs; however, Ottawa (finally) decided it might be in our best interests to manufacture as opposed to import vaccines. Could Covid-19 be the canary in the coal mine that will galvanize our political draintrust to focus on processing raw materials as opposed to whining about an inability to easily export them (Keystone XL pipeline anyone?) in order to create jobs elsewhere and then pay exorbitant markups to buy them back in their processed forms.
“He Never Meta Hurdle He Couldn’t Obfuscate with Words”
In the face of weeks of adverse controversy raised in a whistle-blower’s testimony, Mark Zuckerberg announces Facebook will change its name to Meta. You can now lose yourself (and reality) in a metaverse of alternative truths and trolls that will feature virtual headsets and smart glasses. In the face of said announcement, some but not everyone is ready to declare Mark’s complicity in the whistleblowers charges “dead”.
Related Story: While on the subject of people changing a name to protect the insolent, Kanye West officially changed his name to Ye.
Jan 01
New Words 2021
The following words were added to the Oxford and/or Merriam-Webster dictionaries over the course of 2021.
Air fryer (n.) – an airtight, usually small electrical appliance for quick cooking of foods by means of convection currents circulated rapidly by a fan.
Beast-mode (n.) – state of performing something, especially difficult activities, with extreme power, skill, or determination.
BIPOC (abbrev.; n.) Black, Indigenous, (and) People of Color.
Cancel culture (n.) – 1) the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure; 2) the people who engage in or support this practice.
Dad bod (n.) – a slightly overweight and not extremely muscular physique.
Deplatform (v.) – to remove and ban (a registered user) from a mass communication medium (such as a social networking or blogging website).
Faux-hawk (n.) – a hairstyle resembling a Mohawk with a central ridge of upright hair but with the sides gathered or slicked upward or back instead of shaved.
Flex (v.) – an act of bragging or showing off.
Gig worker (n.) – a person who makes an income from project to project rather than on a steady salaried or employed basis.
Jedi (n.) – a person who shows extraordinary skill or expertise in a specified field or endeavor.
Long hauler (n.) – a person who experiences one or more long-term effects following initial improvement or recovery from a serious illness (such as COVID-19).
Oobleck (n.) – a mixture of corn starch and water that behaves like a liquid when at rest and like a solid when pressure is applied. Oobleck is a favorite component in kids’ science experiments.
Performative (adj.) – done for show.
Pod (n.) – an exclusive usually small group of people who regularly interact to minimize exposure and reduce the transmission of infection during an outbreak of a contagious disease.
Prison industrial complex (n.) – the web of partnerships between government and private entities that have made imprisonment, policing, and criminal justice a profitable industry.
Sapiosexual (adj.) – a person who is sexually or romantically attracted to highly intelligent people.
Silver fox (n.) – an attractive middle-aged man having mostly gray or white hair.
Super-spreader (n.) – originally referred to a highly contagious person capable of passing on a disease to many others, and now can also refer to a single place or occasion where many others are infected.
TBH (abbrev.) – a texting construct for “to be honest.”
Vaccine passport (n.) – a physical or digital document providing proof of vaccination against one or more infectious diseases (such as COVID-19).
Wet market (n.) – a market that sells perishable items (such as fresh meat and produce) and sometimes live animals which are often slaughtered on-site.
Whataboutism (n.) – 1) the act or practice of responding to an accusation of wrongdoing by claiming that an offense committed by another is similar or worse; 2) the response itself; 3) FOX Newspeak.
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2022
All Religions, Governments, and insurance companies the world over agree that pandemics and climate change will now be classified as Acts of God. Fox News and the Republican Party implode when this leads to the evaporation of their base of evangelical, climate denier, and antivaxxer movements.
High temperatures influence haute couture when, on the heels of (and buoyed by) last year’s news that the Arctic is logging Mediterranean temperatures of 38C (100F), hip waders become the newest must have fashion accessory to flood the market.
Canada’s Band of Others, four soldiers who refused to get vaccinated on the grounds that it was a government plot to exterminate 98% of its army, win their appeal and are assigned to a new Canadian Cavalry Unit called the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse. Their new orders are to surrender themselves to the first enemy they find.
The Canadian Armed Forces loses all credibility when its soldiers learn that they needn’t follow any order that is not first vetted by the Supreme Court.
A group of Albertans accused of starting the Fort MacMurray Wildfire of 2016 as a result of the sun beating off of their tinfoil Stetsons, deny everything including the fact that there ever was a fire.
Everyone found to have not voted or the self-acclaimed dictator of Belarus in the last election is executed. The American Billy Bob (Evan Neuman) who fled there to avoid being prosecuted for his role in the US Capitol insurrection was (free) speechless when asked how he liked his new home now.
Fox Media accidentally prevents another crippling Texas freeze when they send their entire crew of hot-headed climate denying hoaxpeople to broadcast their diatribes and hot air on location. Texas registers high temperatures (at least in the areas closest to those Fox personalitics) that are dangerously close to highs not previously seen outside of Death Valley
Wisconsin introduces hunting licenses for privileged youngsters who want to go looking for trouble with semi-automatic assault rifles. In anticipation that there might be an outside chance that more than a lot of people could get Kyled, the associated bag limit is set at 2 Kyles per young buck.
The State of Wisconsin finds it impossible to charge anyone with murder because all the perps claim they were the real victims who only Kyled their alleged victims out of the fear of what they might do if they managed to disarm them.
Texas authorizes the sale of firearms via vending machine.
Hundreds die in British Columbia when an F5 waterspout touches down on a containership laden with kitchen sinks in the Port of Vancouver. The victims who were attending an international Climate Deniers Convention on the waterfront were unable to find shelter from the torrents of kitchen sinks that began raining down on them.
When Mark Zuckerberg unveils a radical new line of Meta-T smart glasses that will form the foundation of his metaverse, market analysts are not surprised when he announces the Meta-T can be ordered with lenses in any color so long as it is rose-colored.
Jan 01
Vital Statistics 2021
| Vital Statistics | 2021 | 2020 | 2019 | … | 2011 |
| a Canadian dollar is worth | $0.79US | $0.79US | $0.77 US | … | $ 0.98US |
| an ounce of Gold is worth | $1.830US | $1,899US | $1,517US | … | $1,574US |
| a Bitcoin is worth | $46,820US | $29,259US | $7,190US | … | $2.00US |
| S&P/TSX Composite Index | 21,223 | 17,433 | 17,063 | … | 11,504 |
| your share of the National Debt | $31,423 | $17,433 | $18,792 | … | $ 15,733 |
| the average Housing Price in Ottawa is | $644,158 | $540,500 | $501,201 | … | $ 343,284 |
| a domestic Postage Stamp costs | $1.07 | $1.07 | $1.05 | … | $ 0.59 |
| a local call on a Bell pay phone | $0.50 | $0.50 | $0.50 | … | $ 0.50 |
| a liter of Pepsi costs | $2.79 | $2.79 | $2.79 | … | $ 1.99 |
| a liter of water costs | $2.49 | $2.39 | $2.39 | … | $ 1.99 |
| a liter of milk costs (purchased in four liter bag) | $1.17 | $1.13 | $1.10 | … | $ 1.25 |
| a liter of gasoline costs | $1.33 | $1.04 | $1.15 | … | $ 1.20 |
| a loaf of bread costs | $3.59 | $3.49 | $3.39 | … | $ 3.39 |
| a paperback novel costs | $12.99 | $12.99 | $12.99 | … | $11.99 |
| a weekly (Time) magazine costs | $8.99 | $8.99 | $7.99 | … | $ 6.99 |
| a comic book costs | $5.50 | $5.25 | $4.99 | … | $ 2.99 |
| a daily newspaper costs | $2.38 | $2.38 | $2.38 | … | $ 1.19 |
| a regular bus ride costs | $3.65 | $3.60 | $3.60 | … | $ 3.25 |
| a medium cup of coffee costs | $1.83 | $1.79 | $1.76 | … | $ 1.40 |
| a basic cable television package | $24.99 | $24.99 | $24.99 | … | $36.01 |
| a first run movie rental costs | $4.99 | $4.99 | $4.99 | … | $ 4.99 |
| an adult’s movie theatre ticket costs | $13.50 | $12.99 | $11.99 | … | $10.99 |
| a children’s movie theatre ticket costs | $9.25 | $9.50 | $8.50 | … | $ 7.99 |
| Minimum wage (Ontario) | $14.35/hr | $14.25/hr | $14.00/hr | … | $10.25/hr |
| an adult men’s haircut | $21.00 | $21.00 | $20.00 | … | $17.00 |
| a medium combination pizza | $21.75 | $19.95 | $17.50 | … | $17.00 |
| a roll of toilet paper (based on price of a pack of 8) | $1.33 | $1.13 | … |
| 2021 | 2020 | |
| Births this year | 140,086,055 | 140,469,885 |
| Deaths (Covid-19 Deaths) this year | 58,811,482 (3,511,231) | 58,972,622(1,941,761) |
| Net population growth this year | 81,274,573 | 81,497,263 |
| Current World Population | 7,917,257,610 | 7,835,983,035 |
Bonus – Other Vital Stat Meters at a Glance: https://www.worldometers.info/
Jan 01