PooPourri
The name says it all. Ironically, its a real stinker. You can sniff-it-yourself at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY)
Tag Archive: 2013 Year in Review
Jan 01
Unsolicited E-mail Message of the Year 2013
Does socialism work? A classroom experiment.
What happens when everyone in a university economics class agrees to share the same mark derived from the average of everyone’s collective achievements. Find out at: Does socialism work? A classroom experiment .
Runner Up: Explaining Modern Technology Would you be considered a God if you travelled back in time? Probably not.
What everyone else was watching: Top 10 Viral Videos 2013
Jan 01
Quote of the Year 2013
“Just because everyone can’t do everything doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t do something.” — Joel Salatin, author of Folks, This Ain’t Normal
Runner up: “Ambassadors are expected to dip their vocabulary in a rich coating of multisyllabic vague—a pudding of nicety and nuance. It should never take less than a week, a thesaurus and two of the characters from National Treasure to solve the mystery of what an ambassador is really trying to say.” — MacLean’s humour columnist (and speechwriter for Liberal PM Paul Martin) on the Mexican ambassador’s expression of outright indignation that Mexicans should require a visa before visiting Canada.
Jan 01
Other Awards 2013
My “Frankly, This Was a Surprise” award goes to… France.
For the first time since Napoleon Bonaparte, France unilaterally (and successfully) attacked an enemy when they aided the Government of Mali against Islamist insurgents. There are, however, some who claim that the attack was merely a diversion to cover the French Government’s retreat from the real enemy which is their ballooning deficit at home.
My “Emperor’s New Cloths” award goes to… Lululemon
It is sheer pantamonium when Lululemon, a designer of ridiculously expensive gym cloths, gets its knickers in a knot after an adoring public sees through the marketing glitz and discovers there is really nothing behind (or between) the latest thing in yoga pants.
My “Brain on Drugs” award goes to… the writer’s of Breaking Bad, a TV drama.
In five short seasons they managed to transform everyone we thought were likeable into eggsactly the opposite. The one mind blowing exception is the sleazy lawyer who remains in character throughout the series and winds up the most likeable of the bunch. He scores his own spin-off series while the rest of the caste turn sunny side up with the airing of last year’s final episode.
Runner Up: That RCMP dude who didn’t see a problem with taking the odd medical marijuana smoke break while in uniform.
My “Grass is Not Greener” award goes to… Samara, Russia
For those of you who think your streets have been going to pot, just be happy you are not Russian to get home along the streets of Samara where cars and buses have been known to vanish into their epidemic of sinkholes. (see for yourself at: Russian city being ‘eaten alive’ )
My “Nee Jerk Reaction of the Year” award goes to… the Taxi Driver who took me home on the night of the Boston Marathon bombing.
Convinced that this was yet another conspiracy on the part of the Great American Satan to convince the world that all Muslims were radical terrorist bombers, my middle eastern friend exploded into a marathon rant that would last the entire ride home.
My “Ship Happens” award goes to… Carnival Cruise Lines
Even as the captain who failed to go down with his Carnival cruise ship, the Costa Concordia (that sank of the coast of Italy last year) is up to his ears in –it, the 7000 passengers and crew of the Triumph, another Carnival Cruise ship, are up to their knees in –it as they are unable to flush their toilets for 5 days. Hey everyone, I think they’re’ having a potty on the poop deck!
My “Dude, Where’s My Car? Clothesline? McMansion? Job? Family? Spare Time?, Travel Allowance?” award goes to… North Americans.
NIMBY (an acronym for the phrase “Not In My Back Yard”) is replaced by BANANA (an acronym for “Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anyone”). Who needs to eat? We want our cake…outlawed, as everyone everywhere just says no to pipelines, railways, nuclear power plants, pet chickens, clotheslines, …
My “Ferrari Tale Ending” award goes to… the anti-gas-guzzler
Past rumours of the demise of the electric car appear to have been greatly exaggerated as they now appear to be racing along the road to redemption. There were no less than 15 different models of electric car on sale in 2013 and, at prices ranging from USD$25,000 – $80,000, you don’t need to be a guzzillionnaire to buy one. That notwithstanding, the high end Tesla Model S ($71,000-$91,000), by one estimate, captured 8.4% of the luxury car market in the US last year. When Prince Charming arrives to put paid to our happy story for ever after, there is a good chance he might riding a $1.4Million LaFerrari that boasts a 160-horsepower electric engine strapped to a 12-cylinder, 800-horsepower gasoline engine. (ref: Running on Fumes)
My “Bishops of Buzzkill” award goes to… Popes Benedict XVI and Francis
Tell all the “little Borgias” their party is over because there is a new sheriff in town. In February Pope Benedict bucked papal tradition when he voluntarily resigned (an event that last occurred way back in the 13th century). This came as a complete surprise to the mob of mostly Italian cardinals who were expecting to assist the aging pontiff through his waning years in office. The election of his successor, Pope Francis marked yet another blow to church tradition, as his arrival would break a 1272 year European hammerlock on the Supreme Pontiff in what many insiders describe as another clear message to the mob of mostly Italian cardinals administering the Roman Curia that enough is enough. Like his 13th century namesake St Francis of Assisi (and the Cathars of southern France who were barbarously annihilated at the behest of the 13th century Church), Pope Francis set the tone early by snubbing the glory and trappings of office in deference to the fundamentals of Christ and the people.
My “Do as we say not as we…doh!” award goes to… U.S. President Obama
In a state of the union address, the president unveils an executive order that will bolster cyber-security through greater sharing of information between public and private sectors. Ironically, some bugs may still need to be ironed out as the digital dominoes start falling when America’s allies discover their lines are being bugged by their American friends. Alas that minor breech of trust takes back seat to the President’s global obsession with a game of drones that has been instigated to locate and extract (i.e. go bin Laden on) Edward Snowden for his personal breech of trust while contracted by an uber-untrustworthy National Security Agency.
Jan 01
Headlines you won’t see in those mainstream Year-end Reviews 2013
(Hurting) Headitor’s note: Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my wreckollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy. You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.
Western defence analysts thrown into a pandamonium of kungfusion
China, the most populous country in the world, with the largest army, and a policy of one child per human couple announces that they have artificially bred not one but fourteen “Giant” Panda cubs. Analysts fear, these cute giants may be used to further infiltrate and destabilize western economies (See my 2012 story ” Canadian Prime Minister’s giant attempt at pandaring to the Chinese loses lots in translation) and/or be used to seed the ranks of China’s already giant army with truly giant Kung Fu trained super-soldiers fuelled on a steady diet of performance enhancing drugs.
There is ecstasy in Toronto city hall when their mayor strips is stripped of most of his powers.
There is a torontial downpour of sediment as Toronto’s mayor is buried in revelations that his drunken stupors might be a problem. After pathologizing again and again, our latest Canadian hero vows to seek the help he so desperately needs from therapy voters. Yes, he will take another crack at regaining his stupor powers in next year’s election. At last report he is still flying high in the polls.
The golden age of internet commerce
As the price of gold is literally plummeting from USD $1,675 last year to $1,200 as at the close of 2013, the digital bitcoin experiences a virtual roller-coaster of a ride in the other direction as it rises from USD $100 last year to $1241 in November before closing the year at $808. The bitcoin, often dubbed the currency of choice for criminals and money laundering, is digital cash for the internet that is not backed by a government or a central bank.
Just doing their bit for society
Coincidentally, while on the subject of exponential growth, government, criminals and money laundering, lets not forget that several Quebec mayors and Canada’s Senate found themselves in a little bit of hot water (and in some cases they had no money to buy their way out).
This issue that will not die is of special interest to everyone.
Take a pill terrorism, step aside same-sex everything, move over marijuana; there’s a new obsession on the political horizon. After a B.C. Court of Appeals killed a previous court ruling allowing physician assisted suicide, Quebec, the province that has had some experience trying to pull the plug on confederation is now tabling their own legislation designed to legalize assisted suicide for terminal cases that prefer to die with dignity. This is a story that is not likely to die of its own accord. Judgement day is coming.
Orwell, we can always share this finely researched history of hockey.
While the rest of the free world is obsessed with securing state secrets from wikileaks, whistleblowers, and wiretaps, Canada’s ruling Conservative Party continues to fret over the possibility that any of our scientists might share environmental information with the taxpayers that fund their research. Stories of crippling layoffs, inquisitional censorship and KGBish media shadows for federal scientists as well as over 900 “special” Revenue Canada audits on non-profit environmental groups have prompted Democracy Watch to submit a complaint to Canada’s Information Commissioner. see: http://www.watershedsentinel.ca/content/harpers-war-science
Related Quote: “This government has abandoned evidence-based policy making to pursue its own brand of policy-based evidence-making.”
— Megan Leslie, Member of Parliament
Drone like the delivery guy? Buy Amazon?
Shock and awe everywhere when Amazon unveils their plan for delivery by drone. Although they acknowledged that their plan is still not bulletproof, it is the opinion of this analyst that their drones had better be if they are ever going to survive the not so friendly skies of the good old U.S. of NRA.
Is it time to rail on the stability of North Dakota Bakken Crude Oil?
Although the tragic rail disaster in Lac-Mégantic is not funny, it certainly looks like there might be something funny about the type of oil that was involved. Four months after Lac-Mégantic was portrayed by some officials as a “once-in-a-lifetime catastrophe caused by a confluence of coincidence and errors”, 90 tank cars carrying that same Bakken crude oil detonated in an Alabama swamp on Nov. 8. Another derailment of 10 cars carrying the very same Bakken crude out of North Dakota, exploded onto the scene yesterday (December 30). Ironically, the absence of fatalities in these latter two derailments may be due to the absence of sufficient human operators to properly manage the train (which was cited as one of the causes of Lac-Mégantic’s runaway train).
Jan 01
New Words 2013
The following new words have been recognized by the Oxford and Cambridge dictionaries over the course of 2013.
binge-watch, v.: to watch multiple episodes of a television programme in rapid succession, typically by means of DVDs or digital streaming.
bitcoin, n.: a digital currency in which transactions can be performed without the need for a central bank.
buzzworthy, adj.: likely to arouse the interest and attention of the public, either by media coverage or word of mouth.
dappy, adj.: silly, disorganized, or lacking concentration.
digital detox, n.: a period of time during which a person refrains from using electronic devices such as smartphones or computers, regarded as an opportunity to reduce stress and focus on social interaction in the physical world.
emoji, n: a small digital image or icon used to express an idea or emotion.
FOMO, n.: fear of missing out: anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere.
jorts, pl. n.: denim shorts.
olinguito, n.: small furry mammal discovered (August 2013) in mountain forests in Colombia and Ecuador, the smallest member of the raccoon family. It was described as looking like a cross between a teddy bear and a domestic cat.
phubbing, n. :the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone instead of paying attention.
poshitis, n.: back pain as a result of carrying a big bag fashionably, in the crook of the arm.
schmeat, n.: a form of meat produced synthetically from biological tissue. [ORIGIN early 21st century: perhaps influenced by the use of ‘ schm’ as a disparaging or dismissive exclamation (e.g. fancy schmancy)]
selfie, n: a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website.
showrooming, n. The practice of visiting a shop or shops in order to examine a product before buying it online at a lower price.
TL;DR, abbrev.: ‘too long didn’t read’: used as a dismissive response to a lengthy online post, or to introduce a summary of a lengthy post.
twerk, v.: dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.
vom, v. & n: (be) sick; vomit.
Jan 01
Vital Statistics 2013
|
Vital Statistics |
2013 |
2012 |
2011 |
2010 |
| a Canadian dollar is worth | $ 0.94US | $ 1.00US | $ 0.98US | $ 1.00US |
| a domestic postage stamp costs | $ 0.63 | $ 0.59 | $ 0.59 | $ 0.57 |
| a local Bell pay phone call(if u can find one) | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 |
| a liter of Pepsi costs | $ 2.49 | $ 2.49 | $ 1.99 | $ 2.29 |
| a liter of water costs | $ 2.39 | $ 2.29 | $ 1.99 | $ 1.99 |
| a liter of milk costs (purchased in a four liter bag) | $ 1.35 | $ 1.25 | $ 1.25 | $ 1.32 |
| a liter of gasoline costs | $ 1.27 | $ 1.14 | $ 1.20 | $ 1.13 |
| a loaf of bread costs | $ 3.49 | $ 3.39 | $ 3.39 | $ 2.99 |
| a paperback novel costs | $10.99 | $10.99 | $11.99 | $10.99 |
| a weekly (Time) magazine costs | $ 6.99 | $ 6.99 | $ 6.99 | $ 6.99 |
| a comic book costs | $ 2.99 | $ 2.99 | $ 2.99 | $ 2.99 |
| a daily newspaper costs | $ 1.43 | $ 1.19 | $ 1.19 | $ 1.19 |
| a regular bus ride costs | $ 3.40 | $ 3.30 | $ 3.25 | $ 3.25 |
| a medium cup of coffee costs | $ 1.52 | $ 1.52 | $ 1.40 | $ 1.27 |
| a basic cable television package | $38.67 | $37.81 | $36.01 | $31.49 |
| a first run movie rental costs | $ 4.99 | $ 5.99 | $ 4.99 | $ 4.99 |
| an adult movie theatre ticket costs | $10.99 | $10.99 | $10.99 | $10.75 |
| a children’s movie theatre ticket costs | $ 7.99 | $ 7.99 | $ 7.99 | $ 7.99 |
| Minimum wage (Ontario) | $10.25/hr | $10.25/hr | $10.25/hr | $10.25/hr |
| an adult men’s haircut | $18.00 | $18.00 | $17.00 | $ 17.00 |
| a medium combination pizza | $16.25 | $17.25 | $17.00 | $ 15.50 |
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2014
Those unemployed script writers from Breaking Bad suddenly become richer than Bill Gates after a bidding war erupts between rich liar-politicians around the globe who would pay anything to come across as more sympathetic in the eyes of their voters.
America becomes a defacto one-party dictatorship when it’s Republican Party is placed on Interpol’s Terrorism Watch List. It’s members become so tea-ed off when their accounts are frozen and their wages garnished that they threaten: 1) to destroy the world some other way; and/or 2) to shoot themselves in the other foot.
A new reality TV show out of Montreal, Quebec that is entitled, “Who Wants to be Mayor There?” steals top spot for reality TV shows everywhere. Other politicians who have senate can’t get enough.
Last year’s conservative downsizing strategy evolves into a major embarrassment. After randomly selecting and laying off every scientist that does not wear a cowboy hat, Revenue Canada needs to hire twice as many new accountants to audit their special asses.
The surviving Boston Marathon bomber is freed on a technicality when his liars convince the jury that, because he was located via his body’s heat signature, he could not possibly have been the cold blooded killer everyone was looking for. He immediately emigrates to Canada and sues their government for a terrorillion dollars on the grounds that they did not try hard enough to convince his refugee parents that they should have run to Canada as opposed to the US.
Hip-Hop music niggasps its last deep lyric when hip-hop artists, who are nothing without their bling, can no longer bling it after bitcoin (which cannot be worn) becomes both more expensive, and way cooler than gold.
Jan 01
Memory Lane at Our House 2012
Ma will remember 2013 as the year she discovered Korean television on Netflix (and the year she went nutflix on the chipmunk out back). .
Pa will remember 2013 as the year he didn’t need to pluck dandelions (after he put the little pluckers down with a bulldozer).
Thing 1 remembers 2013 as the year he put our money where his mouth is and the year he made a little Pal to help him make his first dollar off of the internet. .
Most Memorable News Event: Popular video steamer guy makes over $70,000 overnight when the world dials in to watch others blitzhack his every move.
Favourite Pastime: Telling us he will just be a few more minutes.
Favourite Game: Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
Favourite TV Show: Elementary
Favourite Movie: White House Down
Favourite Song: Shadow Moses
Thing 2 remembers 2013 as the year he also put our money where his mouth was as well as the beginning of the end for some his other disorderly conduct around the house.
Most Memorable News Event: Boston Marathon Bombing
Favourite Pastime: Complaining about our internet and cable service
Favourite Game: Mine Sweeper
Favourite TV Show: IT Crowd
Favourite Movie: Metamucil
Favourite Song: Elevator Quartet (from the Scrubs TV show)