Tag Archive: 2009 Year in Review

The Lung Flute, my choice for Innovation of the Year 2009, is surreptitiously quashed by Big Drug when they realize that it will inevitably eat into their profitable ($3.5 billion per annum) common cold curing drug scams.

The doctor who agreed to a fertility treatment consisting of the in vitro implantation of 6 embryos in an unemployed, soon to be homeless, unmarried mother of 6 is agog when said mother sues him for child support.

In a related prediction:  In an attempt to bail out his struggling team of economic advisors through the implantation of some new blood and ideas, Obama hires Octomommy, Nadya Suleman, as his new Economic Advisor “at large“.  Her advice for this, that and everything else … [hooda thunk?] …make babies.  Oddly enough, in most if not all cases she is right. More proof that there is a thin line between a genius and a fool (and/or an investment banker and a welfare case).

The Iraqi reporter convicted of assaulting George W. Bush with a shoe is expunged of all charges when he wins his appeal on the grounds that the President was more likely to choke to death on his own shoes during an interview given his frequent tendency to wind up with his foot (or sometimes both feet) in his mouth.

In an attempt to avoid overreacting to the Port Hood shootings but still wanting to send a strong message that such an incident can never be allowed to happen again, US Government political strategists come up with a foolproof can’t lose solution: They inter all American psychiatrists in concentration camps until the war on terror is over.

In a related prediction:  California implodes when the bulk of its population can no longer get the therapy they need to survive life in California –  especially the part where they have to cope with waiting in long lines not knowing if they will ever get their coveted micro pig.

Canada’s conservation industry’s capture and release program cannot keep up with a deluge of unexpected orders placed from arms dealers and tin pot dictators for the new Canada Goose air to air anti-aircraft defense system.

Last year’s longer is better design from Ford inadvertently touches off a building boom as everyone needs to build an extension to their garage.  Sadly (or fortunately for the economy) all of those renovated car ports will have to be redone all over again because Ford decides to standard equip all of their 2011 vehicles with monster truck tires that require the garage ceilings to be raised.

Osama bin Hiden’s penchant for delivering his annual “the Armageddon is coming” message via home movies proves his undoing.  Now considered an international movie star, the Pentagon no longer needs to rely on their B-Team of Spy Satellites and Intelligence Agencies to hound him “to the edges of the earth”.  They call in the Paparazzi and voila… Osama bin Found!

In a related prediction:  Islamic Fundamentalists are crushed everywhere, not by the American War Machine, but by the Mattel Marketing Machine.  On the heels (can’t be seen under the) Burka Barbie, their “Osama Ken Have Anythin” doll turns future generations into the very image of their enemy – western greed and largess.

Peace on earth and good will is achieved.  Not through the hard work of Obama or any of the Religions du Jour, but due to a lot of failed media giants and news agencies.  Forced to cut back and lay off staff, they have only enough reporters left to cover “real” news as opposed to contrived, “if it bleeds it leads”, Hollywood headline news.

“High” on the success of last year’s Totally Tattoo Barbie, Mattel takes the next logical step and releases Crack Ho Barbie.

Hounded by Parliament, the Media and the Canadian Public to explain why he felt it necessary to prorogue Parliament for 3 months until the Winter Olympics ended, Canadian PM Harper dodges the question and instead announces that he will prorogue Parliament until the upcoming Tim Horton’s Roll-up the Rim to Win event ends.

In a related prediction:  Canada’s Prime Minister Harper is ousted but lands on his feet when Russian Prime Minster Vladimir Putin immediately hires him as his Minister of Image, Communications and Democratic Reform.

In another related prediction:  Russian PM Putin is mortified when he realizes that his new Minister of Image, Communications and Democratic Reform turns out to be too hard line for even Putin’s ex-KGB tastes. Alas he cannot remove the guy because Harper refuses to accept his calls and prorogues the Russian Parliament until the upcoming “So You Think You Can Dance Like a Cossack” festival is completed.

Governments and Drug Companies everywhere collaborate on a universal inoculation program against the annihilation of mankind in 2012.  Cost:  countless trillions of dollars.  Benefits: An unqualified success (and/or peace of mind).