Tag Archive: 2007 Year in Review

One week after the latest 10 cent price hike at the pumps was fueled by the discovery that an ESSO tanker truck in Tatamagouche Nova Scotia was driving for two days without it’s left rear turn-signal, all hope that the world oil prices would recover are lost when a PetroCanada station attendant breaks a nail while punching in a sale.

In a related prediction, more pressure on the price at the pumps when a Shell Oil employee is abducted by his counterparts across the street at Sunoco after he allegedly crossed to their side of the street to catch his bus.  Damaging though this “Intersectional Incident” would be on global prices, out and out chaos will arise when an inter-company memo is leaked to the press. The memo will cite the radical effects that the middle-east was having on tight oil profit margins and proposes that the companies need to by-pass the middle-men and introduce some more home-grown tension.  A company spokesperson says all efforts and a gargantuillian dollars will be invested to locate and contain said leak.  The portion of those costs that cannot be passed on at the pumps will be claimed under the Government’s new green subsidies on the grounds that this single voluntary Big Oil clean-up of one of their leaks eclipses all of their other cleanup bills combined.

In a pre-Olympic bid to embellish their otherwise tarnished environmental record, China upgrades the Yellow river from toxic to tasty.

In a related development: Not satisfied with their already hefty profits from selling western consumers tap water already paid for by their (the consumers) public tax dollars, the bottlers close their plants in North America in favor of cheaper operations in China.

More Chinese businessmen die in the line of duty, than the combined losses of all allied soldiers in all operating theatres combined.  By comparison, and closer to home, still no reports of any multinational company CEO’s, politicians, or pension managers who have committed suicide or who have been jailed or executed for their indiscretions.

Bouncing Baby boomers go hungry when their checks bounce because what they paid into the pension fund was lost in Chinese investments gone bad; and because an absence of investment in Canadian stock and the ongoing exodus of jobs to China and other third world sweat shops has led to even fewer working Canadians to top the fund up.  On the upside, those that don’t starve to death die a quicker more dignified death as result of their consumption of cheap (albeit toxic) Chinese dog and cat food; thereby, alleviating much of the burden on the pension fund.

No longer welcome in New York, the United Nations moves it headquarters to the North Pole.  Asked why such a remote location was chosen, the Secretary General indicated that, it was a cost saving measure based on global real-estate values and a “no-brainer” given that most of the world’s flags have already been planted there.

In a related prediction:  Scientists add the implied hot air, spinning wheels and imminent international friction into their prediction models and advance the expected disappearance of the Polar Ice cap by 2010 as opposed to last years predictions of as early as 2032.

Canadian Authorities can find no evidence that any of their illegal Mexican refugees are at risk of persecution, death or any other crimes against humanity at the hands of their previous U.S. employers; however, given that no less than 1.8 Canadian children are born per illegal couple over the 16 month investigation period they are all allowed to stay on compassionate terms.

The 2008 Summer Olympics are downgraded to Special Olympics on the grounds that all athletes are handicapped by the toxins in the air.

In a related prediction: Due in part to the overwhelming toxin levels in the air surrounding Beijing, China, the drug testing at the 2008 Summer Olympics has to be cancelled.  Despite this, those Chinese swimmers who practiced in the Yellow River are disqualified on the grounds that, although the rules committee was willing to overlook their extra set of eyes, their gills and webbed hands and feet were deemed to provide too much of an advantage over other swimmers.

Realizing the “old boys” had it wrong and there was little if any chance of separating based upon a constitutional referendum the Parti Québécois’ new Madam plays the gender card and declares that she wants to divorce Canada.  Quebec wins the case and gets ½ of everything.

Fast forward one week:  The PQ ousts their madam and attempts to reconcile their differences with Canada and the other provinces when they realize that having won half of Canada’s assets in the divorce settlement, they have actually taken a significant (transfer) pay cut.

The World Health organization (WHO) unveils a can’t miss funding strategy for their global green plan with the announcement that all networks everywhere must immediately lay off their weatherpersons and contribute their salaries to green sustainable energy research.

In a related prediction:  Unbeknownst to the WHO they also inadvertently fostered better job productivity and took a major bite out of depression when people everywhere are no longer spending time bitching about how the weather guys got it wrong for the Kyotillionth time this year.

Peace in our time “just  ‘cause” Islamic Fundamentalist Leaders everywhere agree that a new Grecian Formula in exchange for Oil Treaty with the West represents a fair trade for the commodity that all agree has been the root of western exploitation and holy jihad.  The few pockets of Islamic resistance quickly collapse as those hotheads who prefer to continue the fight, find their beards are spontaneously combusting because, in a vain attempt to keep up with the Bin Ladens, they substituted a more flammable crude oil extract for the safer western cosmetic.

The Canadian Loonie becomes the strongest currency in the world when Parliament outlaws snowbirds and cross border shopping in an incredibly successful bid to solve a number of nagging social woes that were further complicated by the loonie’s climb to par with the US dollar.  Unemployed manufacturing sector employees are hired by Canada Border Services to nab cross border shoppers returning to Canada.  All purchases are confiscated and redistributed to cloth and feed the homeless, while an additional surfeit of stiff fines are used to pay our new highly motivated border guards.  Any snowbirds or retirees who have actually spent the best part of their year spending the overworked minority of jaded young Canadians hard earned Loonie south of the border are offered the choice of summary execution or exile – either option leads to the discontinuance of their Pension benefits and a chance that there will be some money left in the Pension Fund if or when the young working stiffs are ever allowed to retire.

Countries around the world struggle to cope with a mass influx of millions of refugees from … the United States of America.  Having lost their homes to the great sub-prime mortgage collapse of 2007, millions of Americans claim refugee status and attempt to follow their jobs that were previously exported to all corners of the globe.

In a related prediction:  Mexico builds its own fence along the US border and underwrites a multi-million dollar advertising campaign across all media in the US that claims, “Canada promises free citizenship, health care and education for American Refugees”.

Sport Halls of Fame commence displaying photographs of inductees in two profiles.  Elsewhere, sports fans start asking for fingerprints in lieu of autographs.

Canada usurps North Korea and Iran as the most “clear and present danger” to US and therefore world peace. Insiders at the Pentagon claim that unlike the other nut-bars, half a world away, who only aspire to go ballistic on a nuclear scale, the Canadian Head of State next door who already has nuclear capability seems prone to flipping his reactors on and off with all of the care one might expect from a seven year old with a laser pointer. The fact that said leader, although from oil rich Alberta, was unable to curb that Province’s recent Oil Royalty hike or hold any sway over Newfoundland in their earlier game of chicken with Big Oil interests, has American Hawks demanding the democratization of Canada.  Ever the opportunist, America’s “War President” sees his Iraqi exit strategy from heaven and recalls all troops to support this new liberation of Canada.

In a related prediction:  The Canadian Loonie is supplanted by the US Dollar.

On the strength of the Canadian Loonie, Canada and the USA agree to unite as one North American country/empire.   The position of emperor-elect based upon overall performances in public debate is shaping up to be a two man race between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Marcel Marceau (the mime).  Insiders claim the latter has a burgeoning support base in the extinct notion of Quebec despite the fact that he died earlier last year.