The Republicans, roll out their secret weapon (Osama Bin Laden and some reverse child psychology) on the eve of 2004 U.S. election to deliver a not too convincing endorsement of Democratic challenger Kerry. Blind faith is redefined as an already listing Christian belief system takes another hit as George Bush sweeps back into office on the popular Christian vote courtesy of endorsement from a colorful and disparate collection of Christian Evangelists, Catholic Bishops (including the Pope), Jewish groups and, in a round about way, Osama Bin Ladin himself.
Tag Archive: 2004 Year in Review
Jan 01
“The Ups and Downs of Terrorism”
Over 20,000 Palestinians jam a compound about the size of a football field shooting their AK47’s into the air to mourn the passing and kiss the coffin of Yasser Arafat. Preliminary reports cite 120 casualties from the crowd’s crush and falling bullets. It was a poetic end to the reign of terror of a man who would probably have preferred death and martyrdom under a “rain” of bullets. Perhaps the “gravity” of the situation will finally lead fanatics to spend a little less on bombs and a little more on education (at least in the area of physics).
Jan 01
“Angels and Demons rock the entertainment world”
It was a year of the good, the bad, and the ugly in the world of Arts and Entertainment. At the movies, “Shrek 2”, the story of a large green ogre out-muscled the latest instalment of Harry Potter, boy genius of the dark arts, to become #1 in the hearts of our children. That’s bad right? … No that’s good! The big green ogre is the good guy. Meanwhile, “The Passion of Christ” was the big stir at the theatres in the hearts and wallets of millions of adults. That’s good right? … No, by all accounts I have heard, it was pretty ugly in a gorious way. Elsewhere, a video game called “Halo 2” breaks opening day sales records for all mediums of entertainment. In fact, if you can believe the hype, it’s one day sales of US$125,000,000 eclipses (by a longshot) the single day receipts of the top selling movie, book and record album combined. Now that’s got to be good, right? … No, that is very, very bad – Halo 2 is actually one of the more violent shoot’em-up war games. Did I mention it stole it’s sales record from another not so angelic video game called “Grand Theft Auto.” Rounding out a record breaking year in the world of Arts & Entertainment is Dan Brown’s blockbuster novel, The Da Vinci Code, which has far outstripped previous bestselling record holders with no less than 12 million copies sold worldwide (despite the fact that it has yet to enter paperback). Don’t ask. Yes, the Catholic Church figures prominently in the plot, but considering it was accused of doing much of the plotting that’s not necessarily a good thing.
Jan 01
“Whose da boys dat buys da boats”
Liberals get that sinking feeling, as Canada’s military struggles to float their new(?) fleet of 2nd hand submarines. Their new estimate for readiness is 2008. In a related story, our recently purchased Cormorant search and rescue helicopters are also grounded due to cracked rotor blades.
Jan 01
“Peace and Prosperity”
2004 is marked by a significant dip in fighting. Analysts attribute this anomaly to the NHL Hockey strike. Not content with beating Russians on the ice, the NHL Players Association makes a concerted effort to also challenge Moscow for bragging rights to their “most millionaires per capita” title.
Jan 01
“Professional baseball proves itself unable to play hardball”
Despite mounding evidence that has forced baseball sl/drugger Barry Bonds and a growing number of other high profile professional and Olympic record holders to admit to, according to Barry, unknowingly using illegal performance enhancing drugs, there is no action planned or taken to strip him of his records. Bonds is expected to overtake Babe Ruth’s All-Time Home Run record in early spring 2005.
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2005
Despite their high moral stance in demanding a public apology from Janet Jackson, for her part in last year’s Super Bowl half-time incident, the same network books Brittany Spears, Shania Twain, Maddona and Dolly Parton for the upcoming Super Bowl’s halftime show. Nielson ratings, and half-time commercial sales explode off of any known scale as everyone in the world gathers around the “boob” tube for the 2005 Super Bowl. In a related story, tear away football jerseys become the fashion rage in ladies sleepwear.
Too poorly funded to properly arm a serious peacekeeping mission, Paul Martin borrows from Canada’s violent reputation on the ice and arms our soldiers with hockey sticks.
A looming nursing crisis is averted when Immigration Canada announces that it will replace candy stripers with candy strippers from Eastern Europe. In a related story, the Minister of Immigration is “stripped” of her portfolio as a result of the “exposure” of several improprieties within her office.
A new federal minority rights bill is passed that orders all high level civil servants and policy makers to become both bilingual and bisexual in response to growing demands from taxpayers that they go — sexually gratify (?) themselves.
Although honored to have had so many Western electoral specialists flock over to assist them at their polling stations, on further review of the outcomes of elections in those same countries, Ukraine announces that they will actually be billing those experts for the privilege of “learning” how Ukrainian elections are conducted. Largely on the basis of money made on this enterprise Ukraine becomes an economic powerhouse on the global front.
The popularity of the 6 Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) shows currently aired during television primetime has network executives concerned that there is a shortage of cities in the USA to handle future spin-offs. In a landmark decision, America agrees to honor Kyoto if the rest of the world promises to offer up their cities when network TV runs out of CSI locations.
In an effort to improve relations with our U.S. neighbors while, at the same time, getting every “scrap” of information they can on the finances of Canadian taxpayers, Revenue Canada sets up a junk yard in West Virginia.
CIBC stock prices plummet to the point that they are removed from Toronto Stock Exchange Listings and placed on the Telemarketing No Call Listings. In a related story, Sealy Posterpedic mattress stocks skyrocket.
Not to be outdone by the owners of Canada’s national sport, the owners of Canada are talking about locking out federal politicians who, after voting themselves a 10% pay hike (on the heels of a 45% increase just 3 years earlier), also remain unchecked without a salary cap.
In response to last year’s vicious attack from behind that leaves one player (the victim) with a broken neck and another (his assailant) with slap on the wrist, the NHL adds a new penalty to their rule book, “2 months for Same Sex Coupling.
Confirming suspicions that prison doesn’t rehabilitate so much as it refines criminal behavior, a new wave of “ultra white” collar crime is hitting the streets. This “re-organized” crime wave has been tracked back to the prison where Martha Stewart Inc. is currently “serving” time. Authorities suspect that someone there is selling her cell-mates a new way of “cooking” the books. In a related story, Enron, World.Com and Nortel executives are lining up (with Conrad Black) to enroll for a brief sabbatical at the now “well appointed” prison that is being referred to by “insiders” as Martha Stewart U.
NAFTA & the World Trade Organization rule that Canada must join the American Star Wars initiative on the grounds that Canadians have already taken the 1st steps to the weaponization of space via “skyrocketing” costs associated with their Gun Registry and the maintenance of their submarines and helicopters.
That annoying tool guy dude who keeps popping up at the neighbor’s in Canadian Tire commercials edges out Don Cherry to win CBC’s latest interactive TV poll, “The Most Annoying Canadian.”
Jan 01
Memory Lane at Our House 2004
Ma finally got her shi_ inner self together.
Pa was rear-ended by a Doctor, and is happy (but not gay) to have been given a clean bill of health and the promise of living happily ever after (especially in the knowledge that it was done before our Supreme Court and Parliamentarians were able to pass legislation that would have required him to marry the guy).
Thing 1 tells us his most memorable event was a trip with his grade 2 class to the La Fleche cavern without Mom or Dad and he wasn’t even (too) afraid. When asked if he remembered any important news stories from the past year, he responded:
”If you like wine you can take it to a restaurant and pay a little bit of money to have them open it for you…and they will even let you take whatever is left home with you.”
Thing 2 tells me that he will remember 2004 most for being the first time he ever saw, “The Simpsons.” Powerful stuff when you consider that it was also the year that he went 8 days without his favorite toy while it (Ma) was in the hospital. He tells me that he thinks the news story of the year was:
“The Christmas tsunami wave and the big snow in Greenville(?). It (Greenville) is someplace between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. The snow was deeper than two minivans!”
Quote of the Year:
“No. I don’t want any candy. I think I feel like a drink.”
… Thing 2, Feb 21, 2004
Jan 01
New Year Resolutions 2005
Pa will lose 1 lb per month over the next 12 months, or suffer the consequences of zilch between meals for the following month. That’s right, it’s time to get back to my svelte girlish (230lb) figure.
Ma will resolve not to be so perfect so she can find something to give up in 2006.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 will undergo one 24 minute workout per night with success measured in their ability to increase their maximum capacity for chin-ups by 1 per month. I will forego the chin-up target since I cannot find a bar that will support me (and because my target in 2005 should be fewer chins, not more).
Jan 01
New Year Renovations 2005
I will clean up that oil-spill we call the furnace room, and in an attempt to light a roomatic fire around the house (if the boss agrees), have a new fireplace and/or Franklin stove installed (but not in the furnace room).
In light of Thing 1’s top news story and Thing 2’s quote of the year, I think I’ll also put a lock on the liquor cabinet.