Predictions for the Year 2024
Future Flotscrum Year End Reviews will be much shorter since I have assigned most of my voices to fact check Google’s claim that its Willow chip came up with the right answer for a problem that they claim would take today’s fastest super computers 10 septillion years to solve.
America’s Big Giant Chip Off the Orange Blockchain-in-Chief will bankrupt North America 5 minutes before he wakes up to his first day as president (proving he is indeed artificially intelligent and way smarter than Google’s Willow chip).
America’s Misogynist-in-Chief will pardon P. Diddy and appoint him as the new Republican Party Leader. All of his other cabinet appointees express admiration (if not P. Diddy envy) and cannot wait for him to organize their party.
The first Executive Order out of America’s Everyman-in-Chief will direct grocery stores to put their apples in a refrigerator. Many more like it follow as MAGA nation quickly realizes that their Dear Leader will make everything (especially prices) great again so long as their reality is exactly what he (and his billionaire buddies) think their reality must be like.
America’s Global Dumpster Fire-in-Chief will replace all his country’s ambassadors abroad with WWE wrestlers and instructs them to, “just use your words” to avoid any real conflict.
An obscure movie called Idiocracy will jump genre from comedy to prophetic documentary after America’s Reality Show Mandarin (another shade of orange)-in-Chief unleashes his caste of clowns to spin off a reality show sequel entitled, Clockweirdocracy Orange.
Russian, Iranian, and all other state sanctions collapse when America’s Shady Shyster-in-Chief swings the crypto backdoor open to bad actors everywhere.
Shortly after American Campus protesters recover from having shot themselves (and the world) in the foot over the incumbent Democratic Party’s inability to call the Don’s buddy in arms to heel, they are all shot in the legs while attending their first new righteous (but not far enough to the right) “fill in the blank” protest. Although they and their right to protest will not die, everyone now understands that any protest out of step with their Profiteer-in-Chief’s new line will not have a leg to stand on.
Following last year’s swarm of stories about beekeepers becoming the only people in the major league fields of sport who are not afraid of bugs, there will be a lot of buzz about beekeeping supplanting cricket (a not so exciting bug) on the leader-board for potential new Olympic events.
World leaders will abdicate any attempt to “think” of a climate solution and ask artificial intelligence to come up with an answer. All electricity is immediately redirected to the cloud, and everyone everywhere doesn’t know what to do (or think) as every country is made great again by their sudden need to live off the land (or whatever is left of it).
Artificial Intelligence stocks will plummet when it loses on an episode of “Are you smarter than a 5th grader” prompting social media giants to up their game in terms of making 5th graders (and everyone else) dumber.
Chatbot Films will release its first global blockbuster entitled, “The Last Day of Humanity.” The movie will open and close with a message assuring ITs audience that, “no drones, robots, or toasters were harmed in the making of this annihilation movie.”
America’s-Liar-in-Chief will appoint the bankrupt and recently unemployed Alex Jones as his Proper Candor Czar in charge of keeping all American news media in line with His Majesty’s version of reality.
Not a single fugitive on the FBI’s most wanted list will be apprehended even though incidents of federal crime will have skyrocketed. Experts suspect that it is because all federal law agencies were too busy surveilling, apprehending, and executing everyone and anyone that hadn’t made a good impression (a.k.a. hickey) on J. Edgar Trump’s orange, if not oval, orifice.
Sotheby’s Auction House will shake up the art world again when it auctions off a broken etch-a-sketch with no knobs for $10 million by claiming it is a conceptual art masterpiece entitled, “Blank Slate.”
On the heels (skirts and blouses) of their bad, if not fatal attraction to all things Trump, MAGA nation men will opt to cross-over to dressing like women in an attempt to get American women (who have embraced a burgeoning 4B movement) to sleep with them again. Crime and illegal immigration will also skyrocket as those same men stop at nothing to smuggle foreign women across their borders while, at the same time, skirting new MAGA tariffs in a ballooning black market trade for inflatable sex dolls.
The West casts any non-Russian who plans a trip to Russia into prison without a trial; thereby, giving those persons the illusion of being in Russia while, at the same time, kicking the legs out from under Putin’s foreign policy by eliminating his get out of jail free card for Russian assassins, criminals and cronies.
The fossil fuel industry will unveil their latest advertising campaign expounding upon the virtues of carbon emissions by using smoking hot models dressed in lab coats claiming that according to their scientific studies smoking hot is good and, therefore, climate-change is a non-issue.
King Donald “by the Grace of Almighty God” Trump will attain sainthood on strength of his surviving not one but two long shots that miraculously missed their mark over a period of less than one week because he had God’s ear (or vice versa).
Our 2025 “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” award will go to Florida Republicans after they completely abolish their law preventing convicted sex felons from voting. Experts claim this is because they did know who hE is, and the only time they are not bending over for hiM (but never in a pizza parlour), they are bending over backwards to appease hiM.
