Predictions for the Year 2024
COPS29 orders that the term “worst of the century” be dropped from the lexicon of all climate event headlines as they deem it to be, at best, redundant and, at worst, a given.
Fossil fuel companies and their political cronies are pissed when by-laws officers from the Borrough of Decorum (yeah, those guys) are hired to police their carbon emissions.
Almost every school kid in America (regardless of grade level) drops out and joins the army to have at least a fighting chance of not getting shot.
Realizing that theme-parks are raking it in on their death defying drops and rollercoasters, Airlines unveil a new in-flight surcharge based on what they call their Barfort scale for air turbulence. It is applied using an algorithm that combines the number of deployed air sickness bags multiplied by the decibel level of applause received after a safe landing.
American weather forecasts become more reliable as their new norm becomes, “Smoky with the absolute probability of a mass shooting. It’ll be raining bullets folks, so don’t forget your Kevlar.”
Republican hawks and warmongers are beside themselves and demand that last year’s winner of the battle of the bombshells must be Cancelled and removed from all libraries and screens everywhere on the grounds that, when it comes to battles, anything pink is, at best, commie and, at worst, transgender and therefore cannot be tolerated. Other Birthers led by Donald Trump, claim Barbie should be disqualified unless she shows them her vagina.
A new global law that forces weapon makers everywhere to cease and desist their production of any weapon that is not bright pink ends war as we know it. Attempts to quash the law in America fail as there is nothing in the 2nd amendment that says they have the right to bear arms that are painted cool and manly colours. American gun enthusiasts and especially the thugs and homophobes rush to voluntarily surrender their firearms. Those that don’t demand that their state legislators rescind all open carry legislation.
Despite years of constantly foreshadowing his identification as a transgender, the World’s Most Pathetic Walks Like a Duck and Quacks Like a Duck Defendant-in-Chief comes out of his/her/its/their closet and down the escalator in fugly drag to officially announce that he/she/it/they have officially changed her/their name to Donna de Vile. Only his/her/their/its homophobic followers are surprised.
A judge in Georgia finds the Defendant-in-Chief of the Free to Do and Say Whatever He Wants (and his supporting menagerie of clowns) not guilty of racketeering. After hearing a mountain of evidence proving them to clearly unhinged and anything but organized, no sane judge or individual could ever convict him/them on a charge that normally targets organized crime.
Climate Deniers on both sides of the border claim victory over global warming when they disappear Death Valley, California, and Lytton, British Columbia through a combination of roadblocks, stolen sensors, and forced relocation.
Environmentalists find what they think is a new debris field that dwarfs the great south pacific plastics patch. On closer inspection it turns out to be remnants of all North Korea’s rocket tests and failed satellite launches.
Donald Trump Exercises? Yes indeed. Insiders claim that on the strength of his gains last year from exercising his constitutional right to remain silent (but only in court) to not incriminate himself, Donald Trump wins all court cases against him by exercising his divine (billionaires’) constitutional right to a life of liberty to continue his pursuit of happiness by becoming President for life.
America spirals into complete chaos as, buoyed by the example of their newly elected president and role model, everyone lies about their net worth to become defacto billionaires to claim their constitutional right to lie and their freedom to do whatever makes them happy.
After their latest and most terrifying spate of ongoing internal soul(?) searching, the U.S. Repugnican Party finally digs up a Speaker of the House that will satisfy all their fractious factions. All agree, that Achmed the Dead Terrorist is the only candidate they can trust to deliver their main party line. The fact that his state of decay trumps that of all the other decomposing fossils that are likely to form the American body politic in the immediate future just adds grave-y.
Inflation (both economic and obesitomic) disappears when Food and Drug associations around the world step up testing and honest reporting against all claims on processed foods and drugs. The corresponding deflation of demand for those products leads to fire sale price reductions everywhere and a stronger appetite for real foods.
Drug companies get a hall pass for fraudulent cough syrup claims on the grounds of a certain “no harm no fowl” legal precedent set during some other liar’s high-profile case that trumps all liability for fraud.
Flying high on the success of last year’s disposable shoes for infants, Nike comes up with the brand-new idea of branding new-born babies with their swoosh tattoo. Hospitals don’t question the practice and just do it (perhaps on the grounds it can’t be any worse than a circumcision and unlike circumcisions this procedure is more politically correct because it can be applied to all sexes and religions).
When Florida’s favourite climate denier Gov. Ron d’Atlantis offers refugees from the sinking island of Tuvalu safe haven they take a Hard Pass.
COPS 29 trumpets progress when representatives from every country on the planet (excepting Alberta) unanimously agree there is an “urgent” need to reduce the number of fossil fuel lobbyists attending their Climate Conference… to level of 80% of last years’ delegations by 2050.
On the very eve of American elections, both Donald (It’s Not a Crime if I Don’t Think It’s a Crime) Trump and Joe (I Think It Would Be a Crime if Anyone Younger Than the Pope Occupies the Oval Office) Biden are sent to prison on trumped up charges. The Pope is appointed Acting President of the Unites States of America until a viable octogenarian alternative can be dug up by either Party. The Repugnicans were initially opposed to a Catholic President until they realized he also supported abortion.
When Ukraine loses its war after running out of food and ammunition, Russian tanks roll in and mass at the Polish border. When a couple dozen patriotic Polish truckers who were already entrenched there are ordered to maintain their Ukrainian blockade against the Russian threat, they hop into their rigs and run like hell.
Elon Musk wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his complete obliteration of Twitter thereby ridding the world of all the brainless mind-farts contained and trafficked therein. It marks the end of kneejerk politics, kneejerk conspiracies, and a new Enlightenment for humanity while at the same time resulting in a marked reduction in greenhouse emissions from all those mind-farts and the server farms that supported them. When asked what he was going to do with the prize money, Elon said, “I didn’t do it for your f@#!ing money! I did it because it was just fundamentally Wrong. Let me reiterate for you emoji heads who cannot spell or read a complete word. Writing, liking, and passing along incomplete mind-farts without context is X.”
All Hollywood movie directors become unemployed and theatre junk food concession sales crash after audiences everywhere cannot find the time to partake in a feature length movie experience that is growing longer with each new release.
YouTube profits soar, usurping the earnings for all Hollywood movies combined, when everyone who wants to Make their Hollywood Movie Experience Great Again tunes into its movie trailers instead.
