Predictions for the Year 2020
Stock Markets plummet as Big Drug loses billions when people stop buying their common cold management products. Their cancer research is redirected towards a cure for the common cold in order to stave off a global economic crisis that comes of a cure for cancer as opposed to a trillion dollar industry dedicated to developing and selling drugs to manage the disease (and the side-effects of said drugs).
The Squad suggests Donald DrummKopf might be better suited to go back to his German homeland where he can try making the 3rd Reich Great Again. Finally something that both Democrats and his neo-Nazi fans can agree on.
On the heels of last year’s (we thought) highly experimental exercise in political correctness, Bill Nye (the science guy) takes another step towards completely eliminating stereotypes when he dons a bikini and wins the Miss America Pageant. He is later disqualified when judges determine his heels were in poor taste because: 1) the Dodder didn’t hit on him; and 2) they made “little people” feel small.
America’s War on Drugs makes an about-face when their coast guard stops focusing on inbound smugglers for the Drug Cartels and starts boarding outbound pleasure craft owned by Big Drug companies. They confiscate enough bails of money destined for offshore bank accounts to pay down their national debt.
The Dodder follows Kim Jong-un’s lead by demanding that all professional sporting events that he attends be played in empty stadiums with no fans and no journalists.
Food prices skyrocket as it becomes more profitable to sell crops to museums as art. Meanwhile, hungry kids everywhere are reported to be raiding grandma’s wax fruit bowl.
Space X runs into more flak surrounding it’s plan to blanket the heavens with up to 12,000 new internet satellites when their Falcon X delivery rocket bumps into a satellite and explodes. They blame their Falcon guidance algorithm for not taking into account all the new obstacles that seem to be materializing out of thin air these days.
The President of France abandons his attempt to reform pension rules when the birth rate in France trends to zero because everyone is protesting on the streets as opposed to making babies at the office.
The Dodder accuses scientists at Penn State University of patent infringement on his own well documented oily non-shit sticking schtick.
The Dodder solves the global epidemic of child inactivity (and obesity) when he invades Sweden and sentences them and their parents to interment camps where they will be chained to their seats and force fed a steady diet of American movies and fast food 24/7. By year’s end he and all North American’s can finally say they have the bodies of a 17 year-old Swede (a.k.a. Greta Thunberg).
All of Tesla’s competitors in China start producing exact duplicates of their electric cars. Although some will suspect that the presence of a Huawei in every employees pocket had something to do with the leaked trade secrets, I have insider (my bottle) information that it was actually a low tech sale of information by Tesla employees who needed the cash to afford last year’s first cars that rolled of the line.
Canada’s Prime Minister is now pushing a New Deal with high hopes that he will be able to pay down the national debt and salvage some political capital by putting some pot in every chicken consumed by Canadians.
