Germany outlaws the use of cologne in public gatherings.
US President Trump declares a “War on Winter” and wastes no time liberating the Great Lakes from Canada “Just ‘Cos” they failed to satisfy his demand that they stop sending Canadian Cold Fronts off of their side of the lakes. Canada’s Prime Minister strongly objects with the announcement that he has unfriended President Trump on Facebook and that he has instructed his followers to no longer heart any of “The Donald’s” tweets. The die is cast as the selfi-made PM (with a little help from his dad’s legacy) squares off against the self-made President (with a small loan of a million dollars from his dad).
US Congress orders Twitter to add the same “Two-Person-Rule” that is used to prevent the accidental or malicious launch of a nuclear missile by a single individual to their Twitter “send” logic.
Ashley Madison is announced the winner of a privatization contract that makes them responsible for staffing the White House and advising the president on foreign affairs.
Charlie Sheen is appointed to the new Office of Harassment Adjudication and Locker Room talk.
Kim Kardashian is appointed Secretary of the Treasury (and Bling).
President Trump’s first mega-million dollar public work is the beautification of Mount Rushmore. He has the existing heads demolished to make room for his own much larger head.
The National Inquirer becomes America’s very first State Run news service.
The editor in chief of the National Inquirer is appointed to the new position of Secretary of Education, Communications and Bald-faced Lies.
American 5th graders are added to the terrorist watch list on the grounds that they represent a clear and present danger to future republican elections.
Those American’s who are not smarter than a 5th grader, smarten up and stop paying taxes.
President Trump “borrows” funding from American Charitable Organizations to erect larger than life statues of himself in every American city while smaller municipalities (and private golf clubs) are blessed with larger than [Chairman] Mao murals of “The Donald“.
Samsung recoups all of its losses from last year’s smart phone recall with the announced creation of their new smart munitions division. Hock your Glock and trash that Taser because the Galaxy “Smart Grenade” is now America’s fashionable weapon of choice.
The real-estate of global warming becomes apparent when we learn that all of the land in Northern Canada was surreptitiously purchased by rich global warming deniers that were posing as eco-tourists aboard last year’s Northwest Passage cruise ship.
Absolutely none of these predictions come true (I hope).