Other Awards 2023

Our “Dog’s Breakfast” award goes to Bailey, the dog

It’s not all fun and Cocaine Bears in British Columbia for some unfortunate pets. If its owner’s dogged belief that drugs are the key to happiness was true, the tail should have been literally wagging this dog. In fact, Bailey’s tail wasn’t wagging at all when [mis]treated on many occasions to a diet of opioids, cocaine, and amphetamines.

Our “Not all fruitcakes are American” award goes to Brazilian Rioters

Almost 2 years to the day after Trump zealots stormed Congress in an attempt to overturn the results of their presidential election, outgoing Brazilian [ex-president] Bolsonaro zealots stormed their Congress on January 8, in an attempt to further the cause of their own fruitcake.

… but some American fruitcakes are unapologetic and happy to export their fruitcake revolution abroad

Our “Boring Achievements” award goes to Elon Musk

Not quite on par with his promise to connect cities with highspeed tunnels, Elon’s first cut in Las Vegas comes full circle back to Las Vegas.  Was this exactly what investors should have expected when the world’s least boring inventor pitched his ambition to run a boring company, or a minor case of “Bugs” in the system?

Our “Here’s Your Sign, Stupid!” award goes to this Colorado Man 

There weren’t any No Parking signs in the lobby of this Colorado police station, so this genius exercised his god given right to be stupid. Pretty sure he will lose his rights and freedom to drive motor vehicles for a while unless he gunned the engine on impact in which case the NRA could come to his defence.

Our “Loose Screw” award goes to Canadian Motor Vehicles Act

A British Columbia family dodged a bullet when no one was hurt after a heavy calibre bolt drilled through their windshield.  If found, the driver of the transport trailer truck that was responsible could face an unsecured cargo fine of $288. In Ontario the fine would be $110.

Meanwhile in Australia, authorities experience a minor meltdown when a truck loses a radioactive capsule somewhere along a 846 mile (1362km) highway. The fine for failing to safely handle radioactive substances in Australia is $1000 AUD ($870CAD).“

Our “I Cannot Not Tell a Lie” award goes to Donald Trump

Perhaps realizing that every time his lips move, he is incapable of getting the facts straight and/or that everything he says will somehow incriminate him, Mr. “If you’re innocent, why are you taking the 5^th amendment” was russian to trample his cherished right to free speech.  Donald invoked his right not to serve as a witness in a criminal case in which he is a defendant not once but 400 times during a deposition.  It was probably the right decision given that the first words out of his mouth, “This is the greatest witch-hunt in the history of our country” proved false. Be careful of that witch you say when you and 19 of your colleagues have yet to be convicted and executed by hanging as was the case during the Salem witch hunt. 

Our “Toxic Misogyny” award goes to the Iranian Government

Sick and tired of all the teenage drama, Iranian authorities opt to teach all those rebellious schoolgirls their place by using toxic gasses. Hundreds of Iranian schoolgirls fall ill.

Our “Red Green Wake up and Smell the Coffee” award goes to this guy

Our “Sticker Shock” award goes to grocery labels.

As big grocery continued to leach onto our wallets and stick it to us at the checkout over the course of 2023, we also learned that their sticker price might not be the only thing killing us. A new study tells us that grocers might be extracting an even higher price as toxic chemicals used on some of those stickers could be doing some leaching of their own through packaging, and into the meat, seafood, produce and other foods.

Our “Oxymoron” award goes to Military Intelligence at the Pentagon

It was a case of telephone, telegraph, tell a known braggart and egocentric manchild (no not that one) your top secrets (no not those ones), when the brainiacs in the Pentagon allowed a 21-year-old airman with what appeared to be a history of insubordination and wingnuttedness unfettered access to top secret military information that he shared with like-minded individuals and/or just for likes in various internet chat-rooms. Apparently, they took (or mistook) all the red flags suggesting he was potential wingnut as an endorsement for top-secret clearance (but only because he was in the air force).

Our “Denial is a River in Egypt” award goes to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis

Earlier this year the Nile is main street Fort Lauderdale as record rainfalls foreshadow what much of Florida is destined to look like. Later DeSantis dives all in on climate denial when he approves flooding Florida classrooms with Climate Denial videos of dubious origin.

Our “Afraid of Americans” award goes to other Americans

On April 13 a 16-year-old black teenager was shot twice after ringing the doorbell to the wrong house in Kansas City. Two days later, a 20-year-old white woman is shot dead she when pulls into the wrong driveway in upstate New York. Couple that with 650 mass shootings last year at a rate of almost two per day and the apparent irreconcilable differences between Democrats and Republicans where each seems terrified of what the other stands for and we have to wonder where they find the time to be so afraid of who may or may not cross their borders?

Our “Lost Luggage” award goes to Toronto International Airport

Anyone who has ever flown, shrugs off news that $15 Million in gold disappeared from an airport.

Our “Frozen Stiff” award goes to the Dickie Berg

A photographer from Dildo, Newfoundland got up one day and took a picture of this natural monument to how hard life on the North Atlantic can really be.

Our “She Did Nothing but Wine” award goes to Lillian Ip

Lillian, an Australian woman who was lost in the outback for five days without water survived on a single bottle of wine.  Yet another argument for proponents of the belief that red wine (when sipped in moderation) has measurable life-giving powers.

Our “I Didn’t Do It” award goes to Vladimir Putin

Be it exploding dams in Ukraine, exploding aircraft carrying Russian mercenary generals he is afraid of, or any number of other dubious diabolical deeds, Vlad can always be counted on to falsely flag blame onto Ukraine, the Nazis, NATO, Americans that didn’t vote his guy, anyone else who comes to mind, and/or all of the above.

Our “Slow Boat to China” award goes to the Port of Vancouver

The good news is Vancouver was not ranked last in a ranking of the 348 busiest container ports on the planet alas it was ranked 347^th.

Our “Don’t Bring a Nuke to a Bombshell Fight” award goes to Barbie

In Hollywood’s battle of the bombshells, everyone’s favorite mass-produced blonde bombshell blew Oppenheimer, the father of all bombshells of mass-destruction, away at the box-office.

Our “Special Delivery” award goes to Ukraine

For a series of bomb and drone strikes in the heart of Moscow. Vladimir “Hey Ukraine We Just thought We’d Drop in and Bomb the Shit Out of Your Country” Putin accuses Ukraine of an unprovoked attack on his peace-loving Capital.

Our “First Lady” award goes to Sophie Grégoire–Trudeau

The Canadian Prime Minister’s wife was the first Canadian to kick Justin “Office Because of My Last Name” to the curb.  Experts in my head believe she won’t be the last; however, only his Liberal Party has the option to follow suit before the next federal election.

Our “Head Case” award goes to an Australian Woman

An Australian doctor was surprised to find a worm living in the 64-year-old woman’s brain after she had been complaining for months about “stomach pain, a cough and night sweats, which evolved into forgetfulness and depression.” Yes dear, of course I’d like to know what’s on your mind…but not at the dinner table please.”

Our “Back to the Wall” award goes to US President Joe Biden

After campaigning against Donald Trump’s Mexican Border Wall, Joe Biden finds he can stonewall the need no more in the face of an ongoing influx illegal border crossings. Even with his back to the wall, Joe is not likely to become any more dangerous, but at least there will be less danger of him falling.

Our “Right Stuff” award goes to the Queen of Canada Cult

Followers of Romana Didulo, a far-right QAnon conspiracy theorist, are defending their right to be extreme by threatening a public execution of elected officials and other members in and around the small Saskatchewan community of Richmond that the cult now calls home (or rather their “Kingdom of Canada”).

 

 Our “I know you are, but what am I” award goes to Donald Trump

Shortly after being slapped with a Gag Order, America’s Poster-Boy-in-Chief for Chronic Constipation lashed out against the trial Judge and Prosecutor on the courthouse steps calling them “corrupt” while calling the [fraud] case against him a “fraud and a sham.”

Our “Crocodile Tears” award goes to an Australian Rancher

When Colin Deveraux found himself face to face with, and in the jaws of an eleven-foot saltwater crocodile, he wasn’t seeing eye to eye with said reptile’s choice à la carte, so he latched onto the creature’s eyelid and bit back. When the surprised diner let go, Mr. Deveraux got his rump roast out of there in the blink of an eye.

Our “No More Pandaring” award goes to China

China drops the gloves and signals the end of soft diplomacy with America when it repossesses it’s Pandas.

Our “Canary in the Shoal Mine” award goes to Tuvalu

Over 11,000 people living on the south Pacific island of Tuvalu, (Polynesian for we would have called it Canary Island but that name was already taken) are getting that sinking feeling as the stakes (and sea level) continue to rise with global warming.

Our “Free the Inmates, Jail the Guards” award goes to COPS

In a year that saw local governments and police forces everywhere protecting the “bad boy, bad boys” of fossil fuels from the protests of concerned citizens, last year’s COPS28 Climate Conference was hosted by the United Arab Emirates with a COPS President who was firmly aligned with their oil interests.  COPS28 was also polluted by no less than 2,456 fossil fuel lobbyists (not 2, not 3, but 4 times more than that count was at the previous year’s conference).  I admit that the voices in my head, none of whom are rocket surgeons, rarely agree on anything, but this is the one exception.  We all agree the planet is doomed when, after 28 years of greasy, empty promises, its UN organizers who aspire to reduce practically invisible greenhouse particulates over a time span measured in decades seem to be unable to reduce and/or eliminate the very visible contingent of fossil fuel lobbyists (that has just continued to grow at an alarming year over year rate) from their RSVP invitations.

Our “Candies from a Stranger” award goes to Meta

Click bait? Eye candy? What’s the difference.  Facebook and Instagram never Meta child they weren’t willing to entice, follow, ensnare, and/or gather information on via their version of eye-candy.  Apparently, their parent company does not “like” that its business model has Meta a deluge of hundreds of lawsuits in the US filed by families, young people, school districts, and now the 33 State Attorneys General.

Our “Lipstick on a Pig” award goes to fashion consumers.

The sales of beauty and skincare products saw an 18% increase despite last year’s higher prices and hard economic times.  Some experts say this is a common phenomenon that applies to fashion consumers that are addicted to consumption and their tendency to go hog wild on lipstick and other cosmetics in lieu of higher priced clothing, handbags, and jewelry when times are tough.

Our “Litter Tinkle” award goes to the Borrough of Decorum, England

A 69-year-old Englishman with a weakened prostate made waves (perhaps before, but definitely) after a by-laws officer gave him a littering ticket for taking a discrete roadside wee.   

Our “Tastes Like Piss” award goes to this Chinese beer

Whether he was pissed or just pissed-off, this Chinese worker created quite a stir when he streamed a video of himself taking a wee break into a tank of Tsingtao beer.

Our “New Sexual Category” award goes to Hans Niemann

The American chess grandmaster failed to win a $100 million defamation lawsuit after allegations that he cheated in a high-level match last year; however, he still categorically denies using a vibrating anal sex toy to get signals from an accomplice in order to pull some inspired chess moves out of his ass. All parties involved agree they are happy to have it all behind them now.