Other Awards 2020

My “Boo Who(se) a Racist” reward goes to Dep. Alan Strickland

The Oakland police officer sues the Toronto Raptors president and organization for “severe emotional and physical distress” perhaps because he was not able (or allowed) to arrest/shoot the Raptors president when he refused to be held back from joining his team to celebrate their 2019 NBA championship victory on the court.

My “Stop! Bang! Or I’ll Shoot” award goes to Donald Trump

In a year that will be remembered for a plethora of trigger happy cops, America’s twitter-happy, Law and Order(?) president and Judge-Maker-in-Chief shows an unparalleled lack of judgement when shooting off (among other things) fake news in the twitterverse. After turning gas and rubber bullets on peaceful demonstrators in Washington DC, in order to use a church to deliver a non-Christian message/photo-op, Mr. “All White You Guys, Please Stand Back and Stand By” unleashed squads of unmarked (and uninvited) “green men” to disappear demonstrators on the streets of Portland.

My “Break America Like China Back Then” award goes to The Dodder

In what might be the greatest isolationist bumble-step backwards since China’s Hongxi^{(translation: “extremely bright”)} Emperor decided to discontinue the voyages his country’s gigantic treasure fleet, America’s Alienator-in-Chief took his ball and funding and walked away from the World Health Organization in the middle of their efforts to combat Covid-19. Sadly for America’s (self-proclaimed) “extremely bright” bleached blonde, rather than slamming the door on Chinese expansion, the void created by this and his other escalations in isolationism is more akin to holding the door so China can finally become the preeminent world leader that it has struggled so hard to return to after their own fatal decision in 1434 to turn their back on the world (which resulted in China becoming a marginalized backwater state that was eventually exploited and colonized by invaders from abroad).  It’s almost as if a country (or person) intent on living in the past has no future.

My “Pen is Mightier than the Award” award goes to The Dodder

During a photo-op in the Oval office on National Nurses Day, America’s Sociopath^etic-in-Chief zones out (and then cuts off) Dr. Ernest Grant, president of the American Nurses Association who was acknowledging the dangers of PTSD in the face of the mounting Covid-19 death toll with the statement, “It’s a lot of deaths. There’s no question about it, and by the way, while we’re at it, will you pass these pens around, OK? You can pass them around. Here you go. I got some for the other side.  That’s right folks, although he may have been a little slow on the uptake with provision of requested personal protective equipment and nowhere on message and/or leadership by example in the arena of public safety measures, don’t let anyone ever say he wasn’t there for any American in need of a commemorative souvenir of being in the presence of the man himself.  Hey, the pen is mightier than both PPE and PTSD combined, so let’s not waste a lot of time and money on all those other loser weapons to fight this war.

My “Mucked Like a Fink” award goes to Danish Mink Farmers

Over 17,000,000 fink that were destined to be mucked anyway by the mink farmers managed to muck those farmers first when many of the mink developed a mutated strain of Covid-19 and passed it back to their human keepers. The situation was mucked up further after the mink were pre-maturely (and unprofitably) mucked and plowed into mass graves that had to then be exhumed and disposed of in a “manure” that was not prone to an even bigger environmental disaster.

My “Back to the Future” award goes to Jill Barber.

This Canadian singer refused to give up the ghost during the Covid-19 lockdown when she appeared online before an 4000 people (her largest ever paid audience) in a venue that hasn’t existed since 1965.

My “Scaredy Fat Cats” award goes to Saudi Arabia

Their imprisonment of a women’s rights activist for “terrorism” leads me to believe that the Saudi’s (who sport one of the world’s highest obesity related death rates) are more terrified of activity than death.

My “Picture of Health” award goes to Kodak

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, the Dodder drains the swamp of another $750 million dollars when he decides that Kodak is well positioned to develop into the great white dope of the pharmaceutical world. C’mon everyone smile and say “bleach”.

My “Statues of Limitation” award goes to some American Cement Heads

More protests, tea parties, and shootings as vigilantes violently defend statuary rights.  Local authorities attempt to diffuse the situation by putting statues into protective custody.

My “Actions speak louder than words” award goes to the Dodder

The only good Democrat is a kleptocrat or so The Dodder implies when he puts aside his crusade against all those nasty, crooked, and commie Democrats long enough to free an ex-Democratic Governor who was sent up the river for soliciting bribes, attempted extortion and wire fraud. Apparently, in the eyes of America’s “Toilet Brush in Chief,” who spent the waning days of his presidency freeing a litany of other felonious cronies, there’s always room in the swamp for more political entrepreneurs like that.  Nobody knows how history will judge a man who can boast that he has appointed more superior court judges (3 supreme court judges and over 255 other federal judges) than any other U.S. President; however, although he believes his speedy, record smashing appointments to be in the Public’s (which now, in the eyes of his Republican Senate enablers is defined as whatever is in “his”) interest, the American Bar Association has already judged that he has appointed more judges that were not “Not Qualified” for the task than of any other President in modern history.

My “Boldly name what no-one has named before” award goes to Elon Musk.

Step aside moon-unit, this bouncing, bawling carbon unit’s name is way, way by far away out (to infinity and beyond) of this world.  Yes Elon Musk knocks another one deep out of left field by naming his baby X Æ A-12.  The other nerds will need a PhD in hieroglyphics to pronounce let alone come up with a derogatory nickname but “Moonshot” is already trending as a more pronounceable proxy. That might embarrass the dad (who has loftier Martian aspirations) even more than it and the actual glyph embarrasses the child (until such time he is old enough to legally change it).

My Sincerest Form of Flattery Award goes to Donald Trump’s Green Response to Black Lives Matter

In his most open imitation of Russian President Putin to date, America’s Crackpot [dictator wannabe] -in-Chief,  sends unmarked “green men” into someone else’s jurisdiction to fan the flames of chaos and insurrection.

My “Hitler Youth” award goes to a Psycho Puppy from Illinois

Donald Trump, the Radicalization Party, and their Fox News Propaganda co-opt another page from Hitler’s playbook as they radicalize American kids to do their dirty deeds.  The psycho puppy in question illegally crossed state lines into Wisconsin with an illegal firearm, killed two demonstrators and wounded another before sauntering back through the lines of police and national guard and off to bed at his home in Illinois.  One can only assume that the Authorities were “all white” with that outcome because, given that their policy of having three heavily armed and armored policemen respond to a man (allegedly reaching for a knife) was to shoot him in the back seven times, the “white” response for a kid (actually) armed with an assault rifle would have probably required a tank and/or an air-strike.

From the archive:  In 2016 Microsoft created an experimental chatbot called Tay as part of an artificial intelligence experiment on social media.  It only took two days on Twitter for the bot designed in the persona of a teenage girl to become a neo-Nazi racist and misogynist.

My “We shall fight on the beaches, the fields and the streets” award goes to The Dodder

Could Trump’s assault on peaceful American protesters be his Fine As (Churchill) Hour? According to the Whitehouse, that would be resounding yes.  Although there was heated debate over whether or not tear gas was used on peaceful protesters in Washington, the authorities did officially request that the National Guard deploy a “heat ray” (i.e. high tech Active Denial System which makes targets feel their skin is on fire). Fortunately cooler heads prevailed when army brass inactively denied said request.

My “Both Sides Now” award goes to The Dodder

America’s self-proclaimed “least racist President with the possible exception of Abraham Lincoln”, was also the most divisive President since Jefferson Davis. But seriously folks, regardless of whether he is remembered as the president who started America’s 2^nd Civil War, or the one that lost the Covid-19 War, (almost) nobody can deny that before he steps down there will have been a lot of good people lost on both sides.

My “Voice of God” award goes to The Dodder.

God’s gift to (flat) earthlings mounts a new wave of popeulist attacks on the man who is his hurting his hopes for re-election with warnings that Joe Biden will hurt God.

My Dirty No Accounts award goes to BMO (and responding Vancouver Policemen).

Suspecting one of their customers, an aboriginal Grandfather, of fraud when he tries to set up a new account for his grandaughter,  they call the police. The police handcuff both the grandfather and his 12 year-old granddaughter in front of the bank (because in the eyes of both the bank and the policemen they must have both been guilty until proven innocent.

 My Not-Guilty even if proven Guilty goes to Royal Bank of Canada

Although all banks were jockeying for this award, the Royal Bank  reigns supreme with a clause buried in changes to their on-line banking customer agreement stating, “the bank can’t be held responsible for loss of data or damages even if we are negligent.“

My “German Crassmanship” award goes to Audi.

The German car-maker is forced to cancel their “Lets your heart beat faster – in every aspect” ad over allegations that it is, at best, in poor taste and, at worst, a shoutout to pedophiles.

My “Smart Dressed Man” award goes to a pickpocket in Amsterdam

 It’s a case of, “is that your brains in your pocket or are you just happy to see me”, when a Dutch policeman arrests our (pocketless) pickpocket with 30 stolen smart phones cellquestered in his bicycle pants.