Other Awards 2019

My “Life Imitates Art” award goes to (Real) Food Prices

It’s a case of ,“Let them eat cake (but not banana cake)”, when an artist duct tapes a real banana to a wall and sells his work for $120,000. Another starving artist is then arrested when he goes to the museum and publicly eats the master’s piece. But wait there’s more (or less), as real world food prices are also going banana’s.

Related Statistic: Food prices in Canada rose by 3.5 per cent last year and projections for next year are calling for another  price hike that could be (and now that grocery profiteers have seen the report will be) as high as 4%. The average family following Canada’s food guide may have struggled to swallow their average annual grocery bill of $12,180 last year.

My “All Thumbs” award goes to Samsung’s Galaxy S10 phone

Anyone that used to be “all thumbs” was considered inept and perhaps, as a result, a little insecure, but more recently “those^{(not a racial slur)}people” are considered smart phone users. In 2019, the smart owners of the Samsung S10 were upgraded to “totally insecure” in the fact that any thumb print (a.k.a. “all thumbs”) can access their precious.

My “Can’t China Light on Me” award goes to China’s Moon Shot

Nothing would change for China’s reputation on the world stage as a closed and untrustworthy regime when their Chang’e4 moon mission makes it the first country to successfully complete a landing on the dark-side of the moon.  Yes, in the midst of their trade war with America, China surreptitiously moons the Dodder. While some might say, “Wowee! What a marvel of Chinese technology,” nobody can blame others who say, “No wonder we cannot trust Huawei to deliver a secure and open global communications platform”.

My “Tales from the Crypt” award goes to QuadrigoFX

When the founder of, what might have been (because who really knows where the money goes) Canada’s largest cryptocurrency exchange drops dead, subscribers are unable to pry their $216 million from his cold dead hands. Move over death and taxes, cryptocurrency is the new sheriff in town. Queue the Crypt-keeper’s maniacal laughter.

My “Dinner and Dance” award goes to Japan

This is a moving story that may not be for everyone. Ever the efficiency expert, Japan manages to save time and space on date night with the dinner and dance combo of dancing zombie squid, fried fish flops and a host of other living dead things.

My “Know You Are But What Am I” award goes to The Dodder.

After learning he is not Time’s Person of the Year, America’s Tweeter-in-Chief and a host of his shilling sycophants were anything but chilling (in one sense of the word) when they attack a 16 year-old Swedish girl with claims that she should stop overreacting to fake science.  The Dodder’s tweeted concession speech reads, “So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!

In a related Story: Three weeks earlier, a study conducted by the World Health Organization concluded that we are currently experiencing a “global epidemic” of childhood inactivity. Apparently America’s Buff(oon)-in-Chief doesn’t believe that either.

My “Smashing Success” award goes to the Tesla Cybertruck

Because the reputation of Tesla’s Cybertruck is not demolished despite a not-so-smashing demonstration of the smashproofiness of its windows.  Window shopping truckers have already placed over 150,000 orders

My “He Puts the Me in Meme” award goes to The Dodder.

He just keeps going and going… marching to the dumb-beat of his own drum.  Daniel Patrick Moynihan was not speaking to the Dodder when he said, “You are entitled to your own opinion. But you are not entitled to your own facts” but he might as well have been.  Fact is, he like everyone else (except the voices in my head) would have probably been lost for words as a tsunami of mindless meme fodder continued to pour from the mind, mouth, and thumbs of America’s self-proclaimed IQ-iest president.

My “Figures Skating” award goes to… Computational Robotics

Forget about global warming people, mankind may be skating on another kind of thin ice after this Swiss company develops a robot that figures out how to skate circles around the competition (all by itself). The Good news: Switzerland is a neutral country; therefore, this may not lead to a robocalyptic power play (outside of the international hockey arena). The Bad News: The Swiss are also famous for their love of money and the global export of their Swiss army knife.

My “You People” award goes to Donald “The Dodder” Drumpf

The Dodder continues his assault on race, women, geography and educated people everywhere when he suggests that four female democrats (three of them born in the USA), “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.”

Related Statistic: What’s really broken might be closer to home d_rummkopf:

Related story: “China Addresses the Real State of the American Union”

The Chinese Ministry of Culture and Tourism warns travellers who are planning to visit America that they, “should fully assess the risks of going to the US as recently^(?) there have been shootings, robberies and thefts happening frequently in the US.”

My “Communist Sleeper Cell” award goes to… Huawei

The Americans and their Western allies fear Chaos when this Chinese tech giant Gets Smart telephones and 5G internet technology that is vastly superior to any other products on the market.

My “I’m Too Tasteful for My Body” award goes to… The Dodder

Trump Taste-ifies against further allegations of sexual assault by dismissing the latest woman to come forward with the statement, “She’s not my type.”   She was however the sweet 16^th woman to come forward with similar allegations (he confided openly of another, “ she would not be my first choice”). If he weren’t so unhot looking himself, one might argue that, where there is smoke there is fire.  The good news is he seems to have harnessed his tastes and kept his potus in his pants while in office.

From the Archives: From the Lips of about Babes

My “Tomato, Tamato” award goes to… Madrid

The rain in Spain is no longer mainly on the plain.  Now it sounds like Madrid should be Madrained.  Many have a sinking suspicion that this is just the tip of the (melting) iceberg in what may become a global tsunami of Venice envy.

“Mother Nature is saying ‘You’re Fired’ in a Big Way”

She sees stupid (if not soon to be dead) people. But they don’t know they’re stupid.  America’s Denier-in-Chief will likely weather his opposition’s attempts to impeach him, but even he can’t deny that the world’s biggest island (I know it’s a continent, but work with here), the world’s biggest rain forest in South America’s biggest country, and his own biggest pain in the ass at the polls (a.k.a. the American state with both the biggest economy and population) are all on fire. Some will argue, fires happen and these particular ones aren’t even the largest in history so what’s the fuss. Others might say that is because we are running out of burnable forest.  Almost everyone (at least anyone who’s not oxygen deprived upstairs) should, however, agree that, as the forests disappear and the coal-burning plants reappear, the planet and everyone on it will eventually be toast.

My “I Could Walk Faster…but Nah” award goes to “Hyundai”

The Koreans are developing a concept car for everyone who has ever said, “I could get out and walk faster” (despite not having walked a block since the Pontius Pilate was an air cadet). Relax, why not walk in the comfort of your own car. If, going forward, this idea does prove to have legs, it might also appeal to those of us who have ever taken flak for driving a block or two to pick up our daily six-pack of doughnuts. Talk about having your cake and eating it.

My “One small step for Political Correctness” award goes to “Canadian Amateur Sports Authorities“

After some provincial sports leagues announce they will drop the term “midget” as an age category descriptor, Athletics Canada announces it will pursue a national movement to eliminate the term. If he could, Don Cherry would probably have found some way of thanking all the little people who made this possible.

My PC Hammer, “You Can’t Touch This” award goes to… Philip Williams

I’m veganning to think religious fundamentalists aren’t the craziest people on the planet. Mr. Williams, a vegan, is suing Burger King for allowing his Impossible (vegan) Burger to be cooked on the same grill that a regular burger might have touched. At this time, it is impossible to say what his settlement will be but it had better not be a whopper.  Hurting Headitors note: Fortunately, no midget hockey players were harmed in the making of that burger.

My Two-Faced White Trash award goes to Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

After being forced into an unconditional surrender in his trash talks with South-East Asia, and getting caught red handed in a rash of brown face photo ops, our hero “raps” (up a lackluster year) with some open-mike trash talk about the Dodder.

My “Hitchcocked Response” award goes to… Sydney, Australia

In a country that has learned to live with some (make that almost all) of the most deadly animals in the world, this city council authorizes magnum force to bring down a mean-spirited magpie.

Elsewhere in Australia, a hiker walks(?) away with this year’s “Pick Up Your Feet” award after the man falls down a cliff and spends the next 2 days carrying his leg out of the bush. He tells reporters that, “legs are very heavy when they’re not connected to anything.”

My “Oips, That Hurt!” award goes to… Purdue Pharma

The makers Oxycontin were feeling the pain in 2019 when they were drug through the courts for their part in pushing the Opioid Crisis on an unsuspecting public.  They came crashing down from their high horse when the court ruled against them and ordered settlements currently estimated at $12 Billion.   Apparently “their addiction to profits” was no defense. Sources say the owners are now smuggling  much of those profits offshore.

My “Not too swift” award goes to… Richard Keedwell

The 71 year-old holds fast on principals but is now a little short on cents after the Englishman spends £30,000 ($39,000US) fighting £100 ($130US) speeding fine.

My “Bad Vibes” award goes to… Consumer Technology Assoc.

All the buzz surrounding their CES tradeshow was negative when an innovative new vibrator won an award, but no-one was pleased when it (the award) was withdrawn. Protestors and Lora Haddock, the sex toy’s chief executive, finally got what she desired when it (the award) was given to her again.