Other Awards 2016
My “Totalitarian Mad Hater” award goes to… Donald Trump’s Campaign Hats
There’s trumpthing about that ball cap the Donald was sporting in his rallies that shouted, “gadaffi my podium I hat trumpthing to say so shut up and listen or those of you that I will not be putin in prison will be Libyan this country on a rail”.
My “Armegeddon Concerned (or We’ll Laugh Until We Die)” award goes to James “Mad Dog” Mattis.
Although many of his cabinet appointments have frightened some onlookers, only the Donald’s new Secretary of Defense came replete with a kick-ass nickname. On a more positive note, nuclear holocaust trumps global warming and this may be the Donald’s master plan for permanently putting our fears of global warming on the back burner.
My “Cover-Up Story of the Year” goes to… the burkini.
French officials uncover a sinister plot to expose their preponderance for skimping on women’s fashion (and selling boatloads of sunscreen, commercials and fashionably expensive beach-ware). They ban the burkini on their beaches on the grounds that it is in contravention of public safety (and every woman’s human right to be burned by the sun and/or the fashion marketing and retail guys).
My “Cop-Out of the Year” award goes to… the Brexit Leadership
After espousing a campaign of righteous indignation and bald faced lies that led the British to vote to leave the European Union, these old boys then elected to themselves exit that Brexit movement and let someone else handle the reality of what they had promised.
My “Hottest Product Launch” award goes to… Samsung’s Galaxy Note 7
Clingy friends, parents and telemarketers were no longer the only ones “blowing up” your phone when Samsung’s latest smart phone exploded onto the market (and everywhere else). After 35 reported incidents of overheating smartphones worldwide, Samsung made the unprecedented decision to recall every single one of the Galaxy Note 7 smartphones.
My “A Reality Check May Be in Order” award goes to… Kim Kardashian
Although famous for being famous we weren’t hearing much out of this reality show celebrity until she famously got robbed of about $10 million worth of famous jewels that she had been famously flashing on social media all week leading up this now famous heist. Wow I could go on about the sketchy implications of all this in the midst of famous divorce proceedings that may or may not be pending with her famous husband but, in a year that is famous for fake news, Kanye blame me if I leave the West to your imagination.
My ” dOh! Canada” award goes to… Ontario Prison Officials.
A human rights commissioner accidentally discovers Adam Capay, a Canadian citizen has been languishing alone, without a trial in a windowless, constantly lit cell for no less than 23 hours a day over the past 4 and a quarter years (1,560 days). Alas it was not in some 3rd World totalitarian regime, but rather right here in Thunder Bay, Ontario. Although the United Nations “Mandela Rule” claims that anything above 15 days may constitute cruel and inhumane treatment, or even torture, Ontario correctional authorities maintain that they are simply protecting (and/or protecting the shit out of) Adam in what they call “administrative segregation”.
My “Fake Story of the Year“ award goes to…
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Just about everything emanating from Donald Trump’s head;
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Everything emanating from Political Pollsters;
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Just about everything else that is broadcast as news but which is actually someone expressing an (expert?) opinion on what might have happened (in the absence of fact) and/or might happen when (or if) something actually happens. Wince. Repeat.
My “Stop, Bang!… or I’ll Shoot” award goes to… Jonathan Aledda
This Miami police officer shot an unarmed black caregiver who was literally laying in the street with his hands raised and opened. When asked why, he allegedly responded, “I don’t know” before later officially indicating that he meant to shoot the autistic boy that the caregiver was attending to (and in spite of the caregiver’s repeated assurances that the boy was autistic, harmless, and only holding a toy truck). This was just one of many unnecessary shootings of innocent black men in a summer of racially charged tension and confrontations.
My “When They Don’t Find You Handsome, You’d Better be Handy” award goes to… Dr. Norman Barwin
After having already admitted to inseminating four women with the wrong sperm over a 21-year period, this Do-It-Yourself Doctor Frankensperm from Ottawa has his hands full again with a potential class-action lawsuit alleging that he inseminated at least two women with his own sperm.
