Other Awards 2017
My “Spin Skater” or “Most Underpaid Person Ever” award goes to Sean Spicer
The Dodder’s Whitehouse Press Secretary lasted longer than most all of the President’s men, despite having the unenviable task of defending, if not explaining, the steady scream of twitterbabble emanating from the Woeful Office.
My “Trust Me, We Only Want to Protect You from Yourselves” award goes to the NSA & the Woeful Office
Exactly one day after the President announces a new Cyber Security executive order calling for greater government regulation (spying?) on internet traffic, a massive ransomware virus that was developed (and apparently lost) by America’s ultra super secret (NSA) police force infects computer systems around the world.
My “With Friends Like That…” award goes to Fakebook (and friends).
Speaking of being Putin the awkward position of friending the wrong horse, Fakebook, Google and Twitter find themselves wallowing in the rubles of last year’s presidential election. American Senators rake the companies for their failure to recognize that political ads and posts paid for with Russian rubles just might be an unfriendly state’s attempt to influence the outcome of the election. See more at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-41821359
Related Quote:
“Putin and I discussed forming an impenetrable cyber-security unit so that election hacking, and many other negative things, will be guarded and safe.
— Donald Trump, describing his positive talks with Russia’s president
Runner Up: My Friend Cayla doll
Smart German’s are encouraged to Chucky out their children’s Bluetooth enabled talking dolls on evidence that it represents a “concealed transmitting device” which is illegal under German telecoms law. Notwithstanding the toy’s potential illegal surveillance issues it has been proved that hackers (a.k.a. strangers) can speak directly to children.
Related Story: A Norwegian watchdog says ditto for Child safety smartwatches
My “I know You Are but What Am I” award goes to… “The Dodder”
The Dodder takes time off his busy schedule preparing to become the leader of the free world to partake in a little trash talk with Meryl Streep who, I guess, he felt might be the clear and present danger to world peace and America the Beautiful.
My “Dumbell Fleece Prize” goes to Smart(?) Phone iddicts
Canadians have flocked to Big Bro Bell’s fleecing agents in their March Hare preoccupation with walking dead into the coming robocalypse. One of my sources (a bartender) informed me that Bell told businesses that they would have to pay for maintenance and collections from payphones in their establishments if they wanted to keep them. That would account for my inability to find a pay-phone in any of the usual places; however, their removal from the front of the Bell offices reeks of a higher conspiracy. In all my travels I only encountered one individual (and‘e knows who ‘e is) that is not paying Big Bro Bell big bucks to: 1) stop maintaining an affordable communications network that is at our beck and call; and 2) replace it with their cash cow network that appears to have enslaved the world.
Related story: The Province of Ontario grabs a piece of the action by going all in on an advertising campaign for a video gambling app for smart(?) phones that can provide iddicts a more convenient, ubiquitous, 24/7 gambling experience. How lucky is that?
My “Fox in the Henhouse” award goes to Fox News.
Apparrotly, the Dodder sees a need to lay egg after egg on twitter based on his desire to preach the gospel according to Fox News and their own propensity for parroting, if not sensationalizing, “opinions” that are not always, in fact, checked by either their sources and/or Fox News.
Related Story: “Never try a hands on approach if you are all thumbs”
Even as he rails against news leaks, fake news agencies (a.k.a. anyone but Fox News), his intelligence agencies, his predecessors, or any other living thing that does not stoke and/or stroke his own intellectual humungitude, the Dodder appears to be thumbling the bail in spite of himself.
My “First Impressions are Craters” award goes to the Dodder Administration
America’s new custodian of the free world’s nuclear launch codes (and his closest advisors) melt down on their first day in office over the fact that the “fake” news agencies of the world did not think that his was, “the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration – period.”
Related Quote: “We feel compelled to go out and clear the air and put alternative facts out there.”
—White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway (responding to criticism that the new administration was focusing on inauguration crowd sizes rather than on significant domestic and foreign policy issues).
My “Putin U(sa) At Ease” award goes to… Vladimir Putin
In an unpresidented act of Soviet/American cooperation, the Russian president comes to the defense of his American counterpart by categorically denying that he might have something on The Dodder. He stops short of Putin in a good word for America’s chosen one, who just can’t stop gushin on the Russian.
My “Photo Oops!” award goes to Saudi Arabia
It was a year of magmanimous gestures from some of the world’s leading misogynists but Saudi Arabia gets the nod over The Dodder Administration. Although The Dodder brain trust forgot to include any women in their the abortion policy announcement, “old boys” get a waiver for forgetfulness. The Saudi’s didn’t forget when they announced their unprecedented Qassim Girls Council, they simply asked the “girls” in question to chill in an adjoining chamber by video link.
My “Can’t Stand Her Man Award” award goes to… Johanna Watkins
What likely began with the requisite heavy petting and pet names of til death do us part, quickly morphed into a pet allergy on steroids for this Minnesota native who can no longer stand the smell of her husband. Although experts maintain that her condition is rare, others are predicting she could be patient zero to a more virulent “me to” pandemic’
My “Boys and Their Toys” award goes to “a very close [US] Ally“
Runner Up: World’s First Monster Truck Front Flip
My “Hare and the Taurus” award goes to Tesla Motors
The electric car maker’s market valuation overtakes that of Ford. Apparently Ford’s (“Building the Better Buggy Whip” award winning) designs failed to become the apple of investor eyes’ with smart innovations like offering a larger windshield (and everything that surrounds it) than anyone else in the market.
My “Free The Prisoners, Jail The Guards” award goes to Equifax
Equifax, a credit history company that sells credit monitoring and fraud-prevention services directly to consumers exposes our personal information to hackers, not once, but twice through what some experts are describing as, “one of the biggest data breaches in history”. Their belated attempts to allow customers to determine whether their personal information was stolen proved to be, themselves hackable, as well as bald attempts at tricking customers into agreeing to terms that will limit the company’s liability and the customers options for redress.
My “Justice Free as Any Dictatorship” award goes to the US Department of Justice
My “We Thought Things Couldn’t Get Worse, but…” award goes to Twitter
Twitter announces it is doubling their message character limit from 140 to 280. Now users can support their jibber with some jabber.
