Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream Year-End Reviews 2022

 “Even if I do the Odd Job here and there for my idol, no-one will ever mistake me for his Mini-Me(galomaniac)” 

It was a Blowfeld around Donnie Dummkopf’s world when he outed himself as just one more Putin minion by endorsing Vladimir’s invasion of Ukraine as an act of “genius” (perhaps in hopes that said evil genius that he “knows very, very well”) might toss the Odd Job his way.  Oh well, the Dodder can rest assured that although people will never confuse him for someone who might be the bigger man (unless it be in the roundabout way), or a brain, he will be, pound for pound, the biggest Mini-Me(galomaniac) ever to serve an evil genius bent on global domination.

Related Quote:  This is genius. Putin declares a big portion of the Ukraine — of Ukraine. Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that’s wonderful. So, Putin is now saying, “It’s independent,” a large section of Ukraine. I said, “How smart is that?” And he’s gonna go in and be a peacekeeper. That’s strongest peace force… We could use that on our southern border. That’s the strongest peace force I’ve ever seen. There were more army tanks than I’ve ever seen. They’re gonna keep peace all right. No, but think of it. Here’s a guy who’s very savvy… I know him very well. Very, very well.

-Donald Trump on what he calls Putin’s Peacekeeping Mission in Ukraine

“US Repugnantcans exercise their unalienable right to ban books, not firearms”

Some cats (if not pussies) on a Tennessee School board ban “Maus”, a Pulitzer Prize winning graphic novel of the holocaust that depicts the Nazi’s as cats and the Jews as mice. They cite some nude pictures [of mice], some “cussing” and a suicide as the grounds for their Orwellian intervention.

“We interrupt our regularly scheduled propaganda with these special announcements” 

Concerned that their special missiles and bombs might not be enough to bring Ukraine to its special knees, State controlled (aka all) TV stations in Russia bombard everyone with bombshells like, its not our special soldiers, it’s the Ukrainians that are bombing their own cities. To further counter what is described as “fake news and rumours” emanating from every news agency on the planet that is not controlled by (or allied with) Vladimir Putin, The Russian Government (aka Putin) announces that they are launching a new internet website where “only true information will be published”.  Two days later  Russia banned Facebook when it refused to stop fact-checking Russian state media posts.

From the Archives:  Putin’s long shadow (because some people do have a history of blowing up their own people to get what they want).

 “It’s all fun and games until someone threatens to hang a Republican Vice-President”

Both the US Congress and Senate vote almost unanimously in favour of Anti-Lynching legislation that they previously voted down no less than 200 times since it was first proposed 100 years ago.  This might  be the only case of bipartisan cooperation in the otherwise hung jury of old white guys that is US politics. All it took was an unhinged outgoing president who just wanted to hang around (with, or needs be, without his Vice President) to get everyone regardless of political stripe to realize, “Hey wait a minute this one has suddenly become really, really, important. Now, it’s not just the rabble, our necks are on the line too.”

“Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?”

Not Albertan pigs. In Canada’s home of the grizzly bear, wildlife officials have now declared feral pigs, “the worst invasive large mammal on the planet”. That’s right you can forget about artificial intelligence and the coming robocalypse.  Alberta is already being overrun by super smart pigs that aren’t afraid of anyone or anything. Just another reason mankind is too stupid to evolve (because when we are not becoming enslaved by the intelligent machines we are building to serve our bidding, we are being overrun by the intelligent animals we are raising to serve at dinner).

“Holy shit Hollywood! Grow up!”

Although Will Smith needs to give himself a slap, he wasn’t the only Hollywood star that shat the bed on the global stage last year.

Related Award:  Our “Best Picture Award” goes to the James Webb Telescope

For those of you who prefer not to focus on the galaxy of fragile egos that inhabit Hollywood, NASA’s new $10 billion James Webb Telescope is now showcasing only the very highest quality of stars.

“Big Drug finds itself still dogged by yet another scandal”

More headaches and supply chain issues (and 4001 damnations) for Big Drug when they lose another pet project to meddling activists.

“Leaping Lizards! …Not” 

Forget about cats and dogs, it was raining iguanas in Florida last January after temperatures dropped to 40^o F (4^o C). Although Florida is populated by more than its fair share of fossils, if not fossil fuel enthusiasts of the climate denier kind, there was no denying that those Floridians were expending some green energy dodging this latest downpour. This was their second [Iguan]apocalypse over the past 5 years.

“Red Rover, Red Rover, drag his ass over”

Holy WWF, Batman! In London England, Chinese embassy employees led by their flamboyant Bobby “The Brain” Heenanesque manager drag a protester through the front gates of their embassy for a lights out match. Fortunately some other London bobbies invaded the compound and liberated the protestor before any-one died or disappeared. When all was said and done the Red officials claimed they were just defending themselves when the protestor came over and invaded their compound despite what the camera footage depicted.  In both diplomacy and fair play, it’s all fun and games until someone loses a lie.

“European climate debate heats up when England joins the fry”

England was derailed on track to setting a new summer heat record when temperatures exceeding 40^oC for the first time in recorded history  caused their rails to expand and forced a shutdown of train traffic. 2022 tied 2018 for their hottest summer since records began in 1884.

“Art museums hamelin problems as pied painters suffer rising costs of living”

In a vain attempt to raise public awareness on the mounting costs of global warming, climate activists around the world have taken to throwing food at cultural works of art. Alas with the price of food these days their effort may have only made those works increase in value. One misbegotten protest in London clearly fell upon deaf ear (a Van Gogh). Struggling artists everywhere are now begging activists to throw a little food their way.

“Russian’s vote for democracy”

While Putin is russian’ to export his brand of special not so free referenda to free Eastern Ukraine of democracy, and a special mobilization lottery to support his special military aberration, many of his comrades who have no other voting options are russian’ to vote with their feet by taking special road trips to the nearest border that is not Ukraine.

 “It’s déjà vu all over again, comrade”

Vlad, the Window Usher’s mobilization of untrained troops with rusty rifles to die in Ukraine reads very much like his imperial WWI counterpart’s strategy.  Moreover, his illegal invasion of Ukraine in the first place reads very much like the strategy of the German nut job who invaded Russia during WWII. Just who do you think you are Vlad? Russian Tzar Nicholas II, whose own people (your people) put a commemorative volley of bullets in his head; or Hitler, who did the deed himself? Regardless this is probably not going to end well for you.

“A tale of two biddies”

After Queen Elizabeth II swears Liz Truss in as the new British Prime Minister, the Queen promptly dropped dead. My voices can’t agree on whether it took longer for the Brits to bury their Queen Liz (seemed to take a very long time) than it took their Prime Minister Liz to bury herself (not very long at all).

“Out of the flying plane, into the fire”

Wile E Coyote couldn’t have scripted this crash landing better. Things went from bad to worse for this unfortunate pilot yet in the end he came out pretty lucky.

“All the ‘Right’ stuff to become Putin’s next protégé for President of the US?” 

Russian State news (a.k.a. Putin’s propaganda) channels have been instructed to feature FOX News shock jockey Tucker Carlson as much as possible in their Ukraine military operation coverage. Hey, if you don’t have the money or the mettle to stage a successful campaign you still might get by with a little help from the “really, really, Right” kind of friends.

“My fellow Americans, let your crazed Ye out.” 

In the land of opportunity, a bipolar rapper, with some outlandish ideas announces his bid for the American Presidency in 2024. Ye for President(s who are a little off)!

Related Award: Best T-Shirt (I’ve seen) this year:

“Reminder: Don’t forget to get the cash up front”

There was lots of buzz surrounding a new Alzheimer’s breakthrough drug called Lecanemab; however, it is still shrouded with plenty of caveats and questions. I suspect the only absolute certainty is that they won’t forget to slap an exorbitant sticker price on the end product and then encourage everyone not to forget to be tested earlier and often along with another reminder that doctors should push as many pills as possible. Oh, I almost forgot, they will definitely remember to demand all payments up front, just in case the drug doesn’t live up to its limited expectations.

“Chinese electric cars don’t kill people (or fly, or bounce)”

The Chinese automaker Nio was quick to drive home the fact that their electric car was not responsible for its inability to fly and/or bounce after it plummeted from a 3^rd floor window and killed both of its test drivers.

“Peruvians go all out for peace on earth by ringing a different kind of bell”

When the gift of giving gets out of hand, the Peruvians won’t deck the halls on Christmas Day, they take it outside (just like our dads taught us) where they can find peace on earth (not to mention a few teeth).