Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream 2017 Year-End Reviews
“Wile E. President pulls pin on mutual global destruction”
Convinced that global warming is a lie propagated by Chinese scientists who are smarter than everyone else in the world except him, The Dodder withdraws America from the Paris Climate Accord in an attempt to make America great again by ensuring that its rivers, lakes, and air can become every bit as polluted as those of China. Is this the beginning a Coal War? Is it Curtains for mankind?
“Latest pole on global warming is split”
“Apple high on global iddiction”
Apple reports record profits as iddicts everywhere are forming longer lines than a Columbian drug czar to get their latest iPhone fix. The iPhone X boasts such innovations as a larger price tag than any other phone on the market.
“A bug of a different feather”
Although botanists and experts of all kinds are unable to explain why Australian cockatoo’s have taken to eating their fibre optic cables, any march hare (not already flattened on today’s high-speed info highway) might suggest that their internet service, that is currently ranked 50th in the world, might just be for the birds.
“Politics make estranged bedfellows in Kenya”
Kenyan men face ellectile dysfunction, when their women are encouraged to deny them sex until they register to vote in the cumming election. Alas, an unusual trist to get-out-the-vote proves no match for the usual irregularities in the current regime’s management of the election process.
“The road to robocolips is depraved with bad inventions”
The idea that Robotics can enable strange bedfellows is disgust on the heels of a report entitled, “Our Sexual Future with Robots.”
“Europeans lettuce know that food shortages are not just a 3rd world problem.”
Europe is feeling the Spain when a combination of flooding, cold weather and poor light levels in southern Europe create poor vegetable growing conditions. Fast forward to the end of the year and Spain sprouts rebellion akin to those experienced when food shortages in the Middle East consumed a number of garden variety dictators.
“A little Bit goes a long way in 2017”
The value of a Bitcoin overtook gold ($1,233) for the first time in March. Not bad for something that was valued at .08¢ when it was first introduced in 2010. But wait, there’s more! By year end, the value of one bitcoin surpasses $13,000. Some believe attempts to get money out of china are every bit to blame.
“North Korea declares war on the South China Sea”
Kim Jong un fails to turn the tides despite launching a bouquet of successful missile attacks on the deep blue sea.
“You go girlilla art”
Life imitates art as New York’s Fearless Girl statue, a piece of gorilla art designed to draw attention to corporate gender inequality, was the first instalment in a year that would see more than a few old boys fall as her real world sisters stand up to say, “me to”, I’m not afraid to speak out against your bull (past and present).
“Come fly the friendly skies with us (but not today)”
“The mother of all bombs”
One month after the Americans put paid to an IS stronghold with one very Big Bang the Islamic State responds by attacking western moms and their daughters at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England.
“China retaliates to South Korean maneuvers with a weapon of mass consumption”
America defends its ally with the surreptitious threat of unleashing their astonishingly expensive arsenal of military might, but action speaks louder than words when China openly attacks South Korea with an astonishingly expensive travel embargo. Advantage China.
“While cooler heads Wanna Cry, one nerd saves the world”
“Friends, frauds, what’s the diff as long as they like us?”
“Go go gadget world domination”
“Google reads the writing on the wall and stops reading the writing in your Gmail”
Google stops eavesdropping on persons sending email via their Gmail service. Its one small victory (in principle) on a year that will be remembered for its leaks, cyberattacks and some of histories most astounding exposures of personal data.
“Solving the hard issues is child’s play when you can China light on the root of all evil.”
While the west is twiddling thumbs over an opiate crisis, smart phone consumerism, social introversion and lagging productivity, a Chinese internet giant voluntarily restricts children to 1 hour on their video games. In a related but less proactive story, we learn that an 18 year-old Chinese boy dies two days after his concerned parents check him into a “boot camp” for the treatment of internet and gaming addiction. Doctors report that he sustained more than 20 external injuries, as well as several internal injuries.
“US Navy task force struggling to keep their eye-eyes on task”
17 sailors die in three separate collisions between US warships and commercial shipping over a four month stretch in the South China and Japan Seas.
“Official US presidential news agency accused of censorship and crimes against free speech”
The Dodder finds himself in court (again) when plaintiffs accuse him of violating their First Amendment right to free speech and suppressing dissent in a public forum when he blocks them on his Twitter account which his aides consider a source of “official statements by the president of the United States”.
Related Quote: “This weekend only! Aside from the nuclear fallout, these tweets will be Trump’s most lasting legacy.”
— a Daily Show tweet announcing the opening of their Donald Trump Twitter Museum
“The Saudi’s get their knickers in a knot over one woman’s mini transgression”
Costumes collide when there is a mini meltdown in Saudi Arabia after a model posts a video of herself walking down the street in a mini-skirt and crop top. Elsewhere France is accused of a civil rights foul when they enact legislation refusing driver licenses for Muslim women who won’t show their face in the photo; whereas, the same Muslim women in Saudi Arabia are not, by law, allowed to drive a car.
“Stiff competition for Viagra and Cialis screw NFL TV revenues”
The National Football League declares soft returns from TV revenue which they are struggling to get up as a result of a decision by Viagra and Cialis to cancel their Erectile Dysfunction ads due to the stiff competition they are experiencing from generic versions that are popping up everywhere now that their patents have expired.
“French fashion models no longer have to take it all off”
“Johnson & Johnson experiences rash of lawsuits over baby powder”
Johnson & Johnson is under atTalc for allegations that their baby powder has caused ovarian cancer in some women. They plan to appeal a jury’s award of damages amounting to $417 million for the latest plaintiff in California. There may be as many as 2000 more cases pending in courts around the country.
“As easy as ABC (times a billion)”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses their shirt”
Sears and Toys R Us file for bankruptcy in a year that saw US store closures reaching levels. By some estimates, 25% of U.S. malls could close within the next five years. Department stores have shed 46% of their workers since 2001, a greater percentage of their jobs than coal mines or factories have lost over the same period.
“Flagging popularity for America’s athletic supporter in chief”
The Dodder is not groin to stand for persons who choose to kneel during the national anthem as he fans the flames of divisive insurrection with invective attacks against professional athletes and their peaceful “take a knee” demonstrations against racism and police brutality. Nobody knows what color his glasses were when he was watching “…very closely, much more closely than you people watched it,” a violent mob of torch wielding racists marching under many enemy (confederate) flags. That he described as, “people protesting very quietly”.
“The best way to avoid expensive leaks Is to stay on shore.”
Although no-one is surprised to learn that the richest of the richest (and their political pets) are dodging the tax man via sketchy offshore investments; the real story here is what wasn’t said. The Dodder wasn’t Russian to launch any of his signature rants against those unpatriotic sons of bitches.
