2023 marks a year free of Russian President Putin’s usual acts of “naked aggression”. Experts say it is because, his body politic (and jowls) have relaxed to the point where he can no longer go shirtless without his population wondering why he is looking so overly well fed while everyone else’s cupboards are bare.
Vladmir Putin announces that although none of his special forces were killed by Ukrainians, their families should brace themselves for a shit ton of closed coffins containing his special army’s unfortunate victims of a special Ukrainian strain of Covid-19.
A new reality show called “Who Wants to be a Russian General” fails horribly, partly because that is what Russian Generals are expected to do, but mostly because they are unable to find a single contestant. Putin claims a victory of sorts given that at least no-one shot down his idea for the show; however, the show producers’ pitch for a second season “goes out the window.”
Banks everywhere report unprecedented profits after they raise their Money for Nothing banking fees while at the same time reducing the amount of cash per hostage that anyone can withdraw on any given day. The WITHDRAW button on their ATMs is replaced with two new innovative service options: TAKE HOSTAGES; and SET SELF ON FIRE.
Indonesia relegates the United States to (a distant) 2nd place on the national incarceration rates leader board when the majority of its lustful citizens are willing to risk (or perhaps because they prefer) 1 year in prison over a life sentence in wedlock.
The U.S. Supreme Court passes a new law requiring book publishers and Hollywood Studios to put cloths on all animals (especially mice).
Claiming Hollywood gunfights, beatings, and gore should be adequate to convey emotion on the big screen, the U.S. Supreme Court outlaws the use of cuss words of any kind in movies or on TV. Mimes rejoice but Samuel L. Jackson kills himself when he realizes he will never work in that town again.
The 2023 Academy Awards slap on some new security measures. Bouncers, armed with animal control catch poles, line the stage just in case any of the artists get off their escort’s leash. Republican members of The Academy boycott the event on the grounds that everyone’s newly mandated Hannibal Lector psycho restraint mask is an affront to their god given right to deliver their best performance when expressing their feelings. Amber Heard walks away with the first ever Award for Best Hissy Fit by a Member of the Audience when she wriggles out of her diaper and shits on her beau’s chair.
Fossil fuel companies and other soulless corporations that are polluting the planet, their shareholders, and the uber rich 1% that have been profiting from them get with the green energy program after all of the governments everywhere inform them that they will be responsible for insuring and underwriting all of the costs associated with climate change. Some initially balk until their accountants inform them that most if not all of their beach front businesses, homes, and forested country estates have long been deemed uninsurable by Insurance Companies (a.k.a. the Godfathers of Capitalism) and; therefore; will be toast if they don’t have the tax-payers to fall back on.
Rich landowners everywhere (those that cannot afford to rocket off to another world, and/or purchase yachts of biblical (ark sized) proportion, begin to move inland and sell, sell, sell their waterfront property while buy, buy, buying everything that they can find that is 200 feet above sea level with access to a stable source of fresh water (which rules out most of the USA).
The organizers of the Canadian Freedom Convoy and the US Capital Riots are deported to their choice of the Russia or Shanghai, China to live out their lives in an environment where elections don’t matter and their freedom to occupy a neighboring country’s border, shutdown commerce, and overthrow the ruling government will be free of the heavy handed authoritarian tyranny of the Canadian and US authorities.
Forget about blue-chip, a whole new level of stock ratings called “rock-hard” is born when Valentia Energy announces that they have added a new pulse setting on their eCoin bladder control implant that allows the user to combat both erectile disfunction and premature ejaculation. Viagra stocks sag to rock-bottom.
Bar owners (but not their men’s rooms) are awash with a tsunami of rock-hard beer sales when everyone discovers that the e-coin can also reduce trips to the urinal after that first couple beers.
A freedom convoy of autonomous smart cars from all over Europe converged on the city of Utrecht in the Netherlands on news of last year’s unconstitutional lockdown of a 4-yr old’s car keys.
The U.S. Securities Commission tracks last year’s unusual spike in purchases of Baby Formula Company stocks back to Donald Trump and five other of Republican Supreme Court Justices. They are found guilty of insider trading, influence peddling, and milking women’s rights for profit. They are sentenced to breast pumps for life.
The NRA goes bankrupt when its members are asked to foot the bill for all the helpful school safety ideas they have put forward in lieu of making it harder for lunatics to purchase firearms that fire 3 rounds per second (that’s 60 times faster than the Brown Bess musket that fired 3 rounds per minute back in 1791 when the 2nd Amendment was framed).
The end of populism and voting for the prettiest candidate when Canadians, tired of waiting for election reforms, elect to cast their votes for the least liked candidate who is likely to have the fewest (and preferably zero) friends. Suddenly, for the first time in the recorded (and secret) history of parliamentary politics, cronyism is nowhere to found and only the tax payers profit.
The US Supreme Court outlaws Islam, Christianity and any other faith that does not specifically worship Donald J. Trump as its supremely intelligent godhead.
Canadian PM Justin Trudeau responds to his Liberal Party’s attempt to keep his flashy sock feet out of his mouth by giving him a time out on Twitter by starting his own social media platform which he calls, “Truth North Wrong and Me.” Donald Trump immediately launches a lawsuit on the grounds that there can only be one Me in the world of Social Media platforms. Elon Musk disagrees and kicks Donald off of Twitter, again.
After paying $40 billion for a company that has never recorded a profit, and then driving share values to rock bottom Elon Musk admits be does not have a head for business. Alas he manages to double down on his propensity for picking losers when he hires Ex-British PM Liz Truss to take over the helm and steer Twitter back into the black. It takes less than a week for her to shepherd the company into the black abyss.
After Russian citizens are invited to take an all expenses paid 5 day vacation on their choice of any of the yachts seized from Putin, his family, and oligarch friends; or anywhere in the world at their choice of properties seized from same, Putin’s iron grip on Russia evaporates and he finds himself hanging upside down in Red Square surrounded by the wives and mothers of solders lost during his invasion of Ukraine.
Authoritarian politicians everywhere put out a hit on all unmarried Ukrainian men and Iranian women for fear that they might marry and procreate a new species of fearless, anti-authoritarian, super-soldiers. All other heads of state and their handlers (outside of Ukraine) support the action for fear that said offspring would also become super heads of state that would be both unbeatable in an election and uncontrollable thereafter.