Our “Numbed News” award goes to Life in America

America’s hope for a new tomorrow in 2025 bombed on opening day when their New Year kicked off with an ISIS inspired multiple murder and 15 dead on the streets of New Orleans and another death in Las Vegas after a Tesla Cybertruck exploded outside a Trump hotel. Coincidence or a foreshadowing of more of that same shit different (American) day/way that has become the norm for life below the 49^th parallel? Read on to find out.

 

Our “Global Orgasm” award goes to Artificial Intelligence

It was blowing everyone’s mind everywhere while, at the same time, making their knees weak just at the mere mention of the word.  In short, it was the A Number One thing that everyone, everywhere was gushing about in 2025. If you don’t believe us just listen to how the artificially intelligent President’s hand-picked (and apparently equally intelligent) Secretary of Education was describing said orgasm.  Oh, the Idiocracy of it all.

 

Our “Birthday Wishes” award goes to American No Kings Protesters

While America’s Unhappy Birthday Boy-in-Chief was wondering why all the clowns were sitting around him watching while his poorly attended Birthday Parade was tanking on the street in front out them, an estimated 5 to 7.2 million No Kings protesters parading signs and birthday in the streets of every other city in America did nothing to make the unhappy Birthday Boy King feel any better. All those go to… well, not well-wishers made it the largest single-day protest in America history.

Our “Too Stupid to Evolve” award goes to Australia

After, having almost eradicated their population of the world’s oldest and largest opportunistic hyper carnivorous apex predator, a species that ambushes most of their prey and then drown or swallow it whole, Australia outlawed saltwater crocodile hunting. Unsurprisingly this survivor of the dinosaur era bounced back, and this year Australian’s are struggling with how they can manage their numbers to keep people safe.

Our “Adam and Eavesdropping” award goes to SIRI

Apple punctuated their denial of any wrongdoing with payment of a $95million class action settlement to users who claimed their virtual assistant SIRIously crossed a line by listening to people without their permission.  Just because Eve and that damned apple got us kicked out of the garden (of nEDEN to be smart enough to think for ourselves) doesn’t mean we don’t need to be a guarden’ what we say around all the Chatty Cathys in our life.

Our “When Left Is Right Politics” award goes to Justin Trudeau

After what seemed to be a demented attempt at Biden his time in denial of irreconcilable differences with his Party and all the rest of Canada,  PM Justin Trudeau finally did the right thing and left.

 

Our “One and Done for Democracy” award goes to Donald Trump

Hope reigned (Doh!, bad choice of words there) supreme when the first day of the the Mad King in Waiting Don’s new term in office went off smoothly with a peaceful exchange of power. Normality once more?

 

 

Our “Fairly Unbalanced Stable Genius” award goes to Trump Tarrifs

It would not be unfair to say that America’s Count Dyscalculia-in-Chief is a little off (on his grasp of mathematics and economics too). Notwithstanding his delusional belief that tariffs are great for his economy and not, in fact, an additional tax burden to be shouldered by American businesses and consumers, his clumsy attempt to exhibit equilibrium in the arena of balance and subsidies with Canada and the rest of the world also falls down.

In a related Story: “There is Nothing There”

Although that is what some may say in response to America’s Egonomist-in-Chief’s self-proclaimed stable genius, the world agrees that when it comes to his understanding of economics there is truly nothing there after he slapped tariffs on two uninhabited islands for their maintenance on unfair trade barriers with the USA. In defense of his artificial intelligence, some maintain that the report card on most if not all of his actions/ideas to date are stably returning consistent grades of D for dumb.

Related Quote:

“I have a chronic [trade] deficit with my barber, who doesn’t buy a darned thing from me.”

— Robert Solow, Nobel Prize Winning MIT Prof. of Economics

Our “Secret Sauce” award goes to fatbergs

Forget eau de toilette, researchers in the UK have delved a little deeper down the sewer to come up with the next new ingredient for a fashion fragrance industry that is flush with the same old, same old shit based on chemicals extracted from fossil fuels. Enter the fatberg, a rock-like mass of waste matter in sewer systems that is formed by the combination of flushed non-biodegradable solids (such as wet wipes) with fat, oil, and grease deposits.  These not so tender nuggets, log “dangerous bacteria levels 1,000 times higher than raw sewage” and the hydrogen sulfide gas they release during decomposition can knock workers unconscious in seconds (and what fashionista does not aspire to be an instant knockout whenever they walk into a room).

“When it Comes to Money, Money, Money he’s the Best”

No matter what his detractors, the polls, and people everywhere in the US and the world over think about him, everyone has to agree that when you follow the money America’s Don is the Undisputed  Best President (that money can buy).

Our “Tallest Mountain Man” award goes to Taranaki Maunga

In what was without a doubt the biggest (and most literal) landmark ruling in the history of human (or any other) kind, New Zealand’s Parliament passed a law granting Mount Taranaki the same legal rights as a person. Its descendants were Māori than pleased with the decision.

Our “Stand by Your Man” award goes to this picture of concern

This portrait of America’s Everyman-in-Grief’s Mano Leasta moment  captured his mysteriously distant empathy for the suffering of people around him.

Our “Mere Oversight” award goes to Pam Bondi

Forget Egypt, denial was a river of whataboutism gushing from the lips of Pambi, the American Don’s Attorney General when she was pressed for answers in front of a Congressional Oversight Committee. In short, she bucked and belittled all attempts at oversight  by surrendering no answers on the grounds that she was reluctant to air any official DOJ findings, events or behavior. On the under hand, she seemed more than happy to publicly respond to everyone’s questions with a scripted congressperson by congressperson laundry list of attacks on their own behavior and/or skeletons that would make J. Edgar Hoover blush).

Our “Anti Straight Shooter” award goes to an Insurance Co. in Massachusetts

After a U Mass student won an insurance company’s basketball shooting challenge during a half-time show, the insurance company did what everyone expects insurance companies do. They denied payment saying his foot touched the line on his last shot.

Our “Illegally Blonde” award goes Dastardly Don T.

America’s Law-Breaker-in-Chief doubled down on the two things he does best most. This time he (1) broke the law to bring another of his signature 2) baseless, trumped-up lawsuit to court.  After firing a U.S. Attorney who could find no reason to indict James Comey, Hissy MADgesty (and/or Pambi, Hissy’s Attorney General) went all in dumb blonde by appointing his personal lawyer and ex-Miss Colorado USA Beauty contestant, with no experience as a criminal prosecutor to the vacated U.S. Attorney position. Comey was indicted 3 days later. When the trial started less than 2 months later, the presiding US court judge ruled that Pambi’s appointment of the Don’s trophy lawyer as Interim U.S. Attorney “was invalid” and that that, “all actions flowing from Ms. Halligan’s defective appointment, including securing and signing Mr. Comey’s indictment, were unlawful exercises of executive power and are hereby set aside”.  Main Takeaway: Putting the obvious hypocrisy of DEI appointments at DOJ aside, the real art of the deal appears to be our man baby’s ability to deal with yet another court case that would so spectacularly blow up in his face.  This time he asked a court to find his adversary guilty of a crime only to be told by the judge that Don Wrong and his Attorney General were the only persons to have broken law.

 

Our “Miss Information” award goes to Pam Bondi

Asked what has changed to warrant the FBI reopening the Epstein investigation now that all but one member of Congress and everyone in the Senate voted in favor of a law ordering the Epstein Files be released, the Attorney General was a fountain of information. Pambi   didn’t mince words. She just minced that one word over and over again.

Our “Belly Up” award goes to Delta Airlines Flight 4819

 All 80 persons aboard this flight from Minneapolis survived what was a bat landing at Toronto Pearson Airport in Canada that left them all aflutter in a suspended (upside down) state.  We suspect some or all of the survivors might not guano Delta flight ever again.

Related Story: “Oh Yeah! Water boat this turn of events?”

In yet another lucky landing of the unorthodox kind, these boaters in Arizona also flipped to overdrive.

Our “Boy Toy” award goes to Elon Musk

Everyone on the stage was DOGEing Elon as he let his inner child run free to dance with joy while the brandishing a chainsaw he was gifted by the President of Argentina. He would later let a bunch of other children loose in the White House to go DEFCON Scissorhands on departmental budgets, programs, and sensitive state and personal information.  The [in]jury is still out on how much of the DOGE promised trillion dollars in savings they have truly managed to axe this year. In one attempted non-partisan verification of their highly suspect, here-today-gone-tomorrow, “wall of receipts” conducted in July, POLITICO found that, contrary to the verifiable $32.7 billion portion of the $52.8 billion DOGE had claimed to have saved in cancelled contracts, those actual savings were closer $1.4 billion.  That is roughly 7% of the $20 billion that some questionably stable genius would later give Argentina to bail out their currency.

Related Quote:

“We’re thinking about giving 20% back to the American citizens and 20% back to pay down debt.”

— Donald Trump (when asked what he would do with potential savings from Elon’s DOGE cuts)

Our “Kidney [Adjacent] Stones” award goes to Jaythan Gilder

This jewelry thief had the gall to steal diamond earrings worth $769,500 from Tiffany’s in Orlando, Florida and then swallow the evidence. In the end (eventually), he will have learned a valuable lesson about eating at Tiffany’s as he will now be passing hard time in prison. As for the earrings? Buyer beware (in case your next your next high hind end purchase is hearing AIDS adjacent).

Our “Ho Bo! That Was Lucky!” award goes to a Peruvian Drunk

This raily lucky hobo (with a shot glass?) passed out on a railroad track and suffered only minor injuries when he was hung over by a train.

Our “Counterintelligence” award goes to Michael Waltz

More of the Mad King’s hand-picked Oxymorons R US Cabinet members exhibit their lackey intelligence when  his National Security Team held a group chat discussing America’s imminent military attack in Kuwait on a free messaging app as opposed to secure government channels AND his White House National Security Advisor Waltz also inadvertently invited a journalist to join the chat.

In related story: “Insecurity is as insecurity does”

Although no-one in his cavalcade of clueless sycophants lost their job over the abovementioned breach of security protocol, America’s Poster Boy for Insecurity-in-Chief fired a host of other National Security Officials that he (and/or the conspiracy theorists that advise him) deemed to be a threat to his own insecurity).

 

Our “Sugar Lips” award goes to the Don’s Cabinet

Sweet Jesus, America’s Big Ass Dear Leader really hung it all out on full display as the sycophants he surrounded himself with publicly mooned over how lucky they were to be ones that were allowed to have his back for the next 4 years.  Such pornicious^[sic] pucker parties have no place in the headrooms of a nation. Although, we can never unsee those public displays of affection, it should go without saying that the crucifix laden Righteous (alleged) Christians among them should at least understand that anal orgies like that are one of those things that consenting adults should be conducting behind closed doors.

Our “Hard to Condom” award goes to TiKTok

The popular social media platform is finding it hard to prevent STDs (sexually transmitted depictions) from being passed along to children whether they or their parents have opted to play it safe or not. To date, there has been no condomnation of the platform from the White House. In fact, it went ahead and pardoned the Chinese platform that was awaiting its demise when Donnie Discharge swamped into office.

Our “Disrespectful Boobs” award goes to handsy Irish melon mongers

A statue of Molly Malone, Irish folk music’s most famous fishmonger will require some cosmetic breast enhancement and paid chaperones to offset the wear and tear caused by a rash of Dubliners and/or tourists that are finding it hard to keep (both of) of their hands to themselves and/or their cockles.

Our “Made in China” award goes to the Hongqi bridge

The only thing faster than the speed with which China puts up their major infrastructure projects, is the time it takes for some of them like this recently completed bridge to fall apart.

 

Our “Described Audio” award goes to Space X

A space X engineer described the second unmanned test of their Super Heavy Starship that exploded in March of this year as “a rapid unscheduled disassembly”.  Hard to tell if they learned anything from an earlier test in January that also spectacularly failed to  negotiate that very steep learning curve in the sky.  Apparently, they must have because, although their third time was still not the charm when they launched again in May, their spaceship managed to get to the apex of the curve before undergoing what might be better described as a less than spectacular premature fireworks celebration.  Their next (4^th if you lost count) complete failure to launch didn’t do so in the most spectacular disassembly of them all.

Our “Bottoms Up Parking” award goes the USS Harry S Truman

We might have let one mishap slide but when another jet on this aircraft carrier slipped overboard 8 days later, they flew to the top of our leaderboard for this award (even as it plummeted to bottom).

Runner up: This truck driver in West Virginia slid into 2^nd place but failed to make it all the way to the top insomuch as he failed to hit bottom.

 

Our “Two Faced” award goes to America’s Mad Sun King Loonie

Following his instinctual cents of one-upmanship (to coin a phrase) and, as if to say, if Canada has a fowl creature’s likeness on their $1 coin, I see their precedent and raise them one more – i.e. I want one two (or rather my two faces on one).  Ergo, the US Treasury announced plans for a $1 coin depicting America’s Don on both sides.  It will be released in 2026 to commemorate the 250^th anniversary of their successful ouster of King Geoge III (who was also referred to as The Mad King) and the coins that depicted his face.

Related Story: “No wonder the Mad King doesn’t like Harvard”

After America’s  King Donald John went all in DEFCON Adversarial on Harvard University, Harvard tried to counter with an original copy of the Magna Carta, a document England’s diabolical King John was forced to sign that was fundamental to the evolution of human rights against oppressive rulers. In short, it placed the Crown under the authority of the law, and it has influenced the framing of constitutions around the world. Alas Devine Right Donnie was not intimidated by that any more than he was by the American Constitution he swore to uphold until he MAGA Partaed it to shreds.

Our “What A Shoe Off” award goes to Kyle McGinn

This jolly good fellow and parliamentarian from Australia celebrated his retirement by chugging into the sunset with a cold one from his shoe.

Our “War of the Worlds Panic Attack” award goes to Fox News

For their overly dramatic misrepresentation on steroids of events and/or non-events designed to agitate their curmudgeonly old geezer demographic.

Our “Witch Doctors Should Rule?” award goes to RFK Junior

After promising in his Senate confirmation hearing that he was “not going to take them [vaccines] away” Junior was injected as the US Health Secretary. He quickly “retired” all members of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practice and fired the Director of the Center for Disease Control (CDC).  He cited conflicts of interest in his reasoning. Apparently, he and his boss Donnie Could Healthcare Less know witch doctors are better.

 

Our “Sleazy Mergers” award goes to the BBC

Some bungling boneheads tanked the credibility of this once staid pillar of trust in the world of news by making a documentary where they spliced two separate maliciously false statements made by Donnie Denial during his pep talk for his MAGA mob prior to its storming of the Capital in 2021 together in a fashion that would make them sound more dramatic if not seditious. Sure, no-one could blame an ordinary Joe for confounding the gist of yet another MAGAnificently meandering stream of conspiracy theories, lies, half-truths and nonsense; however, we at Flotscrum expect more from professional journalists and their editors. Oh well, to butcher a different quote,“stupid is as covers stupid.”

Our “Bronco Busting Fail” award goes to an Ontario Woman

She went all in on her driving test but failed despite going the extra distance to appeal for a hall pass. On a more positive note, she would have passed as a bronco buster without parallel insomuch as she succeeded in breaking the bronco by not braking the bronco. Ponder that Dr. Schrödinger.

 

Our “Ai, Chihuahua!” award goes to Taco Bell

The fast-food chain discovered that their AI drive throughs had a drinking problem.  Management decided its attempt to ring up an order of 18,000 cups of water for a single customer was the last straw. This led to an intervention that would put the project on ice pending its rehabilitation.

Our “Doubtful Intelligence” award goes to the Golden Rule

It was déjà vu (nothing, nothing!) all over again when, during their meeting in the Oval Office, America’s Royalist (and Sgt Shultz) Fanboy-In Chief saw nothing (despite reports to the contrary from American Intelligence Organizations) to believe Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (another King in Waiting) “knew nothing” about a Washington journalist’s kidnapping, torture, and murder by dismemberment at the hands of Saudi agents. When Washington journalists wouldn’t let it go, King Donald reminded them where they were with the statement, “You don’t have to embarrass our guests.”  Either he forgot his previous ambushes of the presidents of Ukraine and South Africa or meant that was his domain (and it doesn’t apply to Royals or Royals by Proxy – aka leaders who come bearing grifts of gold).

 

Our “Name That Goon” award goes to Chairman Mao’s Me Trump

Ten months after MAGA’s Dear Leader appointed himself chairman of the John F. Kennedy Centre and replacing all its board members with his loyalists that board predictably announced that the name was changed to the Donald J. Trump and John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts Trump Kennedy Centre.  We’re no authority on authoritarianism but one world renowned travel authority once said something top the effect that, “I could always tell I was in an authoritarian state if it’s buildings were festooned with larger-than life portraits, statues, and monuments depicting the country’s current living head of state”.

Our “Get the Lead Out” award goes to Protein Shakes

Consumer Reports published findings indicating that some of the protein powders and shakes they tested contained lead so don’t be(come) a dumbbell, educate yourself and, needs be, shake that habit.

Our “Dumb and Dumber” award goes to US Political Leadership

As bad as the Don 2.0’s approval ratings were (they were the lowest of any US president since the Don 1.0), the Democratic Party’s ratings were trending even lower.

Our “Happy Unending” award goes to a 65-year-old Thai Woman

The manager of a crematorium in Thailand was “startled” to hear a faint knock from a coffin that was to be cremated. When they opened it, they found this woman “opening her eyes slightly and knocking on the side of the coffin.“

 

Our “Addicted to Money” award goes to Donny Pardon

For working 9-5 in his efforts to ensure that no wealthy drug dealers were left behind (bars). You will have to excuse America’s Avenging _Angel Felon-in-Chief for pardoning Juan Orlando Hernández, the wealthy Honduran ex-president imprisoned for running a violent drug trafficking conspiracy that smuggled hundreds of tonnes of cocaine to the US.  Apparently his MAGAnificent promise to blow every “thug smuggling poisonous drugs into the United States of America…out of existence” does not apply to the rich ones, just the low-lifes.

Our “One Good Egg” award goes to the winter egg

Well, that’s rich! While ordinary people are cracking up over the rising price of eggs, at least one or two people on the planet were scrambling to convince them that the affordability crisis was fake news fabergéd by poor fools and radical Left democrats.  Although the Winter Egg sold for $30.2 million over twice as much as the next most expensive egg in the world, their new owners had no issue shelling out that kind of money.

Our “Over the Top” award goes to the President of South Korea

Concerned that people in his culture might be in danger of wigging out over hair loss, S. Korea’s President is floating the idea that hereditary balding should be classified as a life-threatening disease so hair loss treatments can be covered by their National Health Care insurance. Alas he is not a King and as a President he has a lot of other elected officials in his government that he will have to convince to comb over to his way of thinking.

 

Our “Blind Faith” award goes to Apocalypse in the Tropics

This documentary on the rise and denial of Bolsominions of Brazil’s Election Denier-in-Chief provides stark testimony of democracy’s fight to overcome an inability to separate church and hate (see also our Book of the Year).  Nicolas Bolsonaro was just one, and certainly not the latest, of a long line of political opportunists around the world who, since time immemorial, have religiously courted and coopted religions’ blindly faithful. A wise poet once said, “Blind faith from the masses has long been the goal of lunatics, churches, and those in control”.

Our “Hot Damned” award goes to Everyone

Earlier this year we learned from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) that 2024 one upped 2023 as the world’s hottest year on record. We DOGE know for sure, but experts believe 2025 is currently on track to be the 2^nd or 3^rd hottest year on record. Yes, the operational climate at NOAA took a hit when Elon’s DOGE boys burned them earlier this year.

Related Statistic: Year Over Year Global Temperature Relative To Pre-Industrial Era

Our “Action Speaks Louder” award goes to Mark Carney

While the world was reeling from the bluster and chaos emanating from a Mad Child King’s screaming pie hole, the future looks bright for Canada as it’s Prime Minister’s quiet strength and business acumen castes him and his country as a stabler, more reliable trading partner.  While unemployment in the Mad King’s country grows, while his farmers flounder, and aluminum becomes more expensive and harder to find, unemployment in Canada was falling, the value of its dollar growing and its Aluminum and other American exports were finding new markets.

Our “Hard to Swallow” award goes to Meh! D. Antoinette Trump

For his continued insistence that costs are down and that any perception of inflation or an affordability crisis are nothing more than fake news and lies that the population is being fed by the Democrats.

Related Story: “Boon from bust of a body image empire”

Analysts were weighing in around the causes and effects of WeightWatchers bankruptcy. Some believe that the heavy use of weight loss drugs has made them redundant, but we believe that it might be because food has become so expensive as to make weight loss the absolute least of everyone’s problems.  Regardless of the reason, there is one thing everyone agrees on and that is that the company was, and is, in bad shape.