Jan 01
Jan 01
Jan 01
—Donald Trump on a claim that for many years he may not have paid federal income tax.
Jan 01
Jan 01
“Middle Eastern Men Go Nuts Around Cologne”
The year opened with reports out of Germany of bold and sometimes terrible assaults perpetrated on women by men of North African and Middle Eastern origin during public New Year celebrations in Cologne’s streets.
“Families Forced to Flee from Fort McFiery”
No lives were lost as the entire population of the Fort McMurray, a Canadian city of 90,000, was hastily evacuated from the path of a massive wildfire that was dubbed, “The Beast”. The fire which was at times reaching temperatures of 1000 degrees C, claimed almost 2,000 structures in a matter of hours and caused at least $3.6 billion in damage making it the most expensive disaster in Canadian history. Having already burned 589,552 hectares (1,456,810 acres) it is now the 3rd largest Canadian forest fire on record. Six months after it sent the population of Fort McMurray fleeing, the wildfire is still burning.
“Canadian Dream is Stone-wallooned by another French Minority”
In a year when globalization has been taking its oompah loompas from multiple quarters, the Canadian Trade Minister goes willie wonkers when Wallonia, a small French speaking province in Belgium, almost skittles Canada’s hopes for a free trade deal with the European Union. At the risk of candy-coating this story s’more, the Walloons were attempting to stand guard for thee and everyone else because they believe that once the treaty is ratified only a multi-national corporation would be able to pre-side over disagreements between two or more member states.
“Canadian Coast Guard is Tu-be on Look-Out for More American Boat People”
In August, 1500 American tubers land in Sarnia, Ontario. Although they claim they were blown off course, Canadian authorities suspect they were participating in a “not-so-dry” run of their contingency escape plan should the wrong presidential candidate win their election. Regardless, additional resources are expected tu-be “pumped” into Canadian border services to combat an “over-inflated” state of desperation south of the border.
Ref: http://www.macleans.ca/news/1500-rafters-rescued-after-windy-port-huron-float-down/
“Electile Dysfunction (or Trumpthings Wrong Down There Doc)”
Unbelievable! I wouldn’t have believed it unless I sawed it myself. The Psychology Today magazine has already begun tracking a new strain of PTSD that they have dubbed Post Trump Stress Disorder.
Ref: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psych-unseen/201611/understanding-post-trump-stress-disorder
“Pokémon Go all Terminator on Our Masses”
A new game for smart phones called Pokémon GO is all the rage as everyone everywhere is going out of their way in an attempt to catch them all. It’s not all fun and games though. Although I cannot confirm or deny that any eyes have been lost, there have been a few reported Pikachu-tings with no less than 12 deaths and 53 serious game related injuries making headlines around the world.
“Sky Nets First Victim”
While on the subject of terminators, the Tesla S (for Skynet?) claimed its first victim when it autonomously careened though a truck trailer. Tesla speculated that, “against a bright spring sky, the car’s sensor system failed to distinguish a large white 18-wheel truck and trailer crossing the highway.” Earlier in the year one of Google’s self-driving Lexus SUVs drove into the side of a bus at low speed. Cyberbots start your engines. Let the robocalypse begin.
Related Stats:
– This was the first known fatality in just over 130 million miles of Tesla driving with autopilot activated. Among all normal vehicles in the US, there is a fatality every 94 million miles. Worldwide, there is a fatality approximately every 60 million miles.
– A University of Michigan Transportation Research Institute study published in October 2015 found that, per million miles traveled, self-driving cars had a higher crash rate than traditional cars; however, at the time of the study, no self-driving cars had ever been found at fault for the crashes they were involved in.
“Drone Forget to Look Up… Waaay Up”
While on the subject of SkyNets, a British firm has developed a net-launching anti-drone bazooka. No coincidence, given that this was the year that: 1) drones were figuratively (if not diabolically) flying off the shelves over the Christmas season; 2) Amazon made it’s first official delivery using a drone; and 3) a Canadian passenger jet’s flight crew sustained minor injuries when it had to perform an evasive maneuver at 10,000 feet to avoid what they thought was a drone.
“X Parks the Spot”
Elon Musk’s Space X successfully landed with precision accuracy on a drone ship at sea not once but 4 times (plus twice on Land). Several remarkable steps for reusable rockets and one might even say that, in nailing those landings, he has delivered one more nail in the coffin of what we used to call SciFi space travel.
“What blows up, can’t come down”
Seven was not Elon’s lucky number. When endeavouring to complete another big deal (without a big-splash), the Space X rocket exploded before take-off. No earthlings died but lots of Facebook (if not face) was definitely lost. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg indicated that he disliked losing the pricy $200 million Facebook communications satellite that was aboard.
“Dumb Waiters & Other Questionable Logic from a People’s Republic”
China, which boasts the world’s largest human workforce, is investing heavily in robotics designed to replace those workers. Foxconn, a supplier to Apple and Samsung has reportedly replaced 60,000 workers in one factory with robots. More companies are expected to follow their lead. Meanwhile, two of three restaurants that introduced robotic waiters in the city of Guangzhou have gone out of business while the third has fired their robots.
“Ironic State is Losing their Faith, their War, and Allah their Pretentions of Moral High Ground”
A column of not-so brave (or true Muslim) Ironic State gangsters flee Manbij confident that although Allah is probably not inclined to intervene on their behalves, they can rely on faith in the fact that Allah and the maniacally, murderous soldiers of the Great Satan will opt to save the lives of their human shield of Muslim women and children. Elsewhere we find that our ironic friends are not so adverse to gunning down Muslim women, children and anyone else that attempts to flee their territory.
“Canadian Women do Rio Well at the Games”
Our women (and one 13-year-old show jumping mare) won 17 of Canada’s 22 Medals but this is not surprising when the vast majority of today’s men tend to be more inclined to perform their fast twitch muscle repetitions with a gaming console in their laps as opposed to doing laps.
“Creepy Clowns! What Creepy Clowns?”
Authorities assured us that there was nothing to fear from a wave of creepy clown sightings across North America. Most people didn’t even notice with all the other clowns popping up around (and on the podium) in those yuckbiquitous political leadership races that dominated the news on both sides of the border.
Jan 01
biffy (n.): a toilet or outhouse.
Jan 01
|
Vital Statistics |
2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 |
| a Canadian dollar is worth | $ 0.74 US | $ 0.72US | $ 0.86US | $ 0.94US |
| an ounce of Gold is worth | $ 1,152 US | $ 1,060 US | $ 1,199US | $ 1,204US |
| a Bitcoin is worth | $ 969US | $ 430US | $ 319.70US | $ 757.50US |
| S&P/TSX Composite Index | 15,287 | 13,009 | 14,632 | 13,621 |
| a domestic postage stamp costs | $ 1.00 | $ 1.00 | $ 1.00 | $ 0.63 |
| a local Bell pay phone call(if u can find one) | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 |
| a liter of Pepsi costs | $ 2.49 | $ 2.49 | $ 2.49 | $ 2.49 |
| a liter of water costs | $ 2.49 | $ 2.49 | $ 2.49 | $ 2.39 |
| a liter of milk costs (purchased in a four liter bag) | $ 1.07 | $ 1.00 | $ 1.00 | $ 1.35 |
| a liter of gasoline costs | $ 1.04 | $ 0.81 | $ 0.94 | $ 1.27 |
| a loaf of bread costs | $ 3.29 | $ 3.19 | $ 3.49 | $ 3.49 |
| a paperback novel costs | $12.99 | $11.99 | $11.99 | $10.99 |
| a weekly (Time) magazine costs | $ 7.99 | $ 6.99 | $ 6.99 | $ 6.99 |
| a comic book costs | $ 3.99 | $ 3.99 | $ 3.99 | $ 2.99 |
| a daily newspaper costs | $ 1.52 | $ 1.52 | $ 1.52 | $ 1.43 |
| a regular bus ride costs | $ 3.65 | $ 3.55 | $ 3.45 | $ 3.40 |
| a medium cup of coffee costs | $ 1.62 | $ 1.57 | $ 1.57 | $ 1.52 |
| a basic cable television package | $40.48 | $40.48 | $39.48 | $38.67 |
| a first run movie rental costs | $ 5.99 | $ 5.99 | $ 5.99 | $ 4.99 |
| an adult movie theatre ticket costs | $11.50 | $10.99 | $10.99 | $10.99 |
| a children’s movie theatre ticket costs | $ 8.50 | $ 8.50 | $ 7.99 | $ 7.99 |
| Minimum wage (Ontario) | $11.40/hr | $11.25/hr | $11.00/hr | $10.25/hr |
| an adult men’s haircut | $19.00 | $19.00 | $19.00 | $18.00 |
| a medium combination pizza | $16.75 | $16.75 | $15.75 | $16.25 |
| Current World Population | 7,475,142,566 |
| Births this year | 143,518,237 |
| Deaths this year | 60,101,523 |
| Net population growth this year | 83,416,714 |
Bonus – Other Vital Stat Meters at a Glance: http://www.worldometers.info/
Jan 01
Germany outlaws the use of cologne in public gatherings.
US President Trump declares a “War on Winter” and wastes no time liberating the Great Lakes from Canada “Just ‘Cos” they failed to satisfy his demand that they stop sending Canadian Cold Fronts off of their side of the lakes. Canada’s Prime Minister strongly objects with the announcement that he has unfriended President Trump on Facebook and that he has instructed his followers to no longer heart any of “The Donald’s” tweets. The die is cast as the selfi-made PM (with a little help from his dad’s legacy) squares off against the self-made President (with a small loan of a million dollars from his dad).
US Congress orders Twitter to add the same “Two-Person-Rule” that is used to prevent the accidental or malicious launch of a nuclear missile by a single individual to their Twitter “send” logic.
Ashley Madison is announced the winner of a privatization contract that makes them responsible for staffing the White House and advising the president on foreign affairs.
Charlie Sheen is appointed to the new Office of Harassment Adjudication and Locker Room talk.
Kim Kardashian is appointed Secretary of the Treasury (and Bling).
President Trump’s first mega-million dollar public work is the beautification of Mount Rushmore. He has the existing heads demolished to make room for his own much larger head.
The National Inquirer becomes America’s very first State Run news service.
The editor in chief of the National Inquirer is appointed to the new position of Secretary of Education, Communications and Bald-faced Lies.
American 5th graders are added to the terrorist watch list on the grounds that they represent a clear and present danger to future republican elections.
Those American’s who are not smarter than a 5th grader, smarten up and stop paying taxes.
President Trump “borrows” funding from American Charitable Organizations to erect larger than life statues of himself in every American city while smaller municipalities (and private golf clubs) are blessed with larger than [Chairman] Mao murals of “The Donald“.
Samsung recoups all of its losses from last year’s smart phone recall with the announced creation of their new smart munitions division. Hock your Glock and trash that Taser because the Galaxy “Smart Grenade” is now America’s fashionable weapon of choice.
The real-estate of global warming becomes apparent when we learn that all of the land in Northern Canada was surreptitiously purchased by rich global warming deniers that were posing as eco-tourists aboard last year’s Northwest Passage cruise ship.
Absolutely none of these predictions come true (I hope).
Jan 01