Category Archive: 2006

The world is stunned when Canada sentences 17 young misunderstood “startlelists” to its harshest penalty under law – they are to be hung on a “Holiday Tree” until they are happy.

The Americans add the Canadian Bar Association (that’s the lawyers for you guys who drink too much to make the connection) to its list of terrorist organizations.  The bar association claims that it is “innocent” and asks the Canadian taxpayers to foot the bill to prove this before settling out of court with the promise that they will get out of the business of defending “startlelists” on the taxpayers dime as soon as the expected glut of same sex divorces kicks in to quaff their “excess” capacity.

Amnesty International charges Canada with human rights violations and torture when they learn that young Canadian Wahhabis wannabes of the explosive variety are being subjected to a steady diet of old Roadrunner vs. Coyote cartoons in a sadistic attempt to scare them straight with graphic depictions of the consequences of playing with explosives and/or to develop their senses of humor.

Lebanon becomes the Canada’s 11^th province.  PEI is outraged that they will no longer be Canada’s premier destination for the majority of Canadians seeking a summer hot spot.

Canada replaces its long lost title as the Poster Peace Keeper for the Free World with a shiny new internationally recognized and undisputed reputation for being the World’s First and Only Free Travel Insurance Company.

The Canadian Government evacuates 200,000 nude Canadian snowbirds from Florida when an unusual absence of snow and clouds in December leads to a rash of sunburn and heat exhaustion that cannot be treated in the States using Canadian Medicare health insurance.  With no ships in the area that can react at light speed as is every Canadian citizen’s right to expect, the Princess Cruise Lines are chartered to whisk the poor wretches back to Canada by way of the Suez Canal and Fiji.

The Princess Cruise lines are written into the Canadian Charter of Rights as the Charter of choice for all future evacuations of Canadian citizens living outside of Canada.

After two years of token gains in the weight loss column, yours truly explodes from the closet in a bid to fashion a new career as the next great Spanish super model.

In a related prediction, body wax and depilatory cream futures rocket to all time highs.

In a last ditch attempt to save western civilization from itself, all North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) members outlaw hyphenation.  It is now illegal for anyone to hyphen off the American (or any other) dream by way of radical hyphenation (e.g. Muslim-American, Lebanese-Canadian, Roman-Catholic, etc…)

The FBI is charged with kidnapping under a class action lawsuit from movie watchers everywhere on the grounds that they have stolen as much as 2 days of the average viewers time over the course of any given year as they find themselves locked into the FBI warning screens of their rented and/or purchased DVD’s without the right to a speedy fast forward.

Finally, parents and student violence are no longer the leading cause of job related stress in Canadian schools.  A record number of teachers indicate their leading cause for being a little “spaced out” can be attributed to planets that have become planetoids and provinces that have becomes nationoids.  A spokesperson complains there is just not enough time in the day to keep up with these changes which include what appear to be optionally random changes in time zones all over North America.