General Predictions:
In:
LED lights
Mini cars (the kind that can be carried home when they run out of gas)
Cowboys
Out:
Sport Utility Vehicles
Short-term memory retention
On the Horizon:
Amish Fundamentalism
Specific Predictions:
Millions of viewers worldwide enter a class action suit stating that they are all getting sick of Reality TV shows.
Canadians everywhere trade their SUV’s in for a dairy cow.
Top 10 Reasons Why Canadians are trading their SUV’s in for Dairy Cows
10. They don’t need gasoline.
9. The kids want a pet.
8. They are not as dangerous as chickens.
7. Got Milk (and natural gas – but we won’t go there).
6. A Minivan can’t mow (and fertilize) your lawn.
5. They don’t rust (and are, in fact, biodegradable).
4. They are harder to tip over than the new fuel efficient pocket cars.
3. The Americans aren’t mad at them anymore.
2. No Lost jobs (oil patch and autoworkers retrained as cowboys).
1. You can’t eat an SUV when it’s no longer roadworthy.
Pope John-Paul II is declared saint by popular demand four years before the usual five year waiting period expires. Proponent’s claim that it was a well deserved appointment listing many as opposed to just one documented miracle that was attributable to him during his life, including his ability to appoint 482 saints which is more than were appointed (264), by all of his papal predecessors combined (and eclipsing the patronage appointments of both Jean Cretien and Brian Mulroney combined). The required post mortem miracle will be attributed to the record time of his declaration in a church not known for its quick resolution of anything. In a related prediction, there are now more saints in the catholic faith than Nuns (whose numbers have been declining rapidly through old age in the America’s and sexual harassment in Africa).
Embarrassed Canadian officials announce plan to close all of our laboratories. A government spokesperson explains that this move is in the interests of foreign affairs and national security because: 1) they were actually testing beef and publishing honest reports at a time when honest reports were not in our best interests when dealing with our trade neighbors to the south; 2) they had publicly embarrassed our neighbors to the south by uncovering and reporting the only serious threat to global well-being as having emanated from American labs rather than North Korea, Iran and/or a cave in Afghanistan; and 3) on strength of a sound business case whereby the funds could be better spent supporting our Olympic athletes’ ability to travel to all the posh resorts around the world in pursuit of the off chance they might be able to win a medal (and make Canadians proud).
The Canadian scientists who saved so many lives when they sounded the alarm over the accidental distribution of a deadly H2N2 virus to laboratories around the world still do not get an invitation to the Governor General’s Mansion, the White House or the UN for any kind of award ceremony.
17 tropical storms, 10 cloudy days, and 2 baby showers in the Gulf Coast area of the United Sates are upgraded to Category 5 hurricanes by the chief meteorologist of the U.S. Weather Bureau, each prompting a 25 cent price spike at the gas pumps.
Several Texas Oil barons and the Chief Meteorologist of U.S. Weather Bureau surpass Bill Gates’ as the wealthiest persons in the world.
Federal courts indict Oil companies, the Chief Meteorologist of the U.S. Weather Bureau and the Media on allegations of bribes, collusion and conspiracy resulting in this year’s sudden spike in severe weather anomalies (of the category 5 Hurricane kind). Defense attorneys suffer a setback when the report that a “whistle blower” for the prosecution will be flown in to testify at a Texas district court is upgraded and widely reported as a Category 5 hurricane.
In a show of appreciation and compromise for the Church’s ongoing support and campaign contributions, Western leaders promise to recognize the Church’s right to censure and burn opposing voter ballots, in lieu of any heretics that would dare to caste them.
Thinking they have purchased the only cure for an as yet to be mutated strain of the avian flu, millions die after ingesting anthrax tablets that were advertised and purchased over the internet from OsamabinLaughin.com
The U.S. Office of Homeland Security adds hurricanes to their list of terrorist organizations and confiscates all relief funds collected. When asked why, President Bush replies, “Terrorist front, weather front – what’s the difference?”
Boston Legal, arguably the best TV show since Get Smart is discontinued after it’s second season because it has “pissed off” every potential commercial sponsor on the planet over the course of its first two years.
Investigative reporters break the conspiracy story of the decade when they discover “Get Smart” (the only TV show since Pontius Pilate was an air cadet that has yet to be released in a DVD box set), was purchased and destroyed by the Telecom Industry in order to suppress the idea that shoe phones and other irritating forms of telephone interruptions in public are fundamentally stupid. The discovery of their plot prompts the industry to postpone its plans for a new advertising blitz to convince Fido enthusiasts (a.k.a. the sheep) that its time to ditch their stodgy old cellular dinosaurs that only take pictures, download favourite tunes and launch nuclear missile strikes on neighbouring countries in favour of the latest “must have” model that is housed in a glow in the dark neon plastic helmet that doubles as a cone of silence and blow dries your hair while you multitask dial all your friends telephone, cell-phone, blackberry, e-mail, fax and Swiss bank accounts just to tell them where you are and how long you were waiting for that bus tonight.
A retired electrician in Nova Scotia becomes world’s latest hi-tech billionaire and Nobel Peace Prize winner when he designs a wallet sized jamming device that subjects cell phone users within hearing distance to a high frequency squeal and a low voltage shock that causes them to drop their “radio callers” and quack like a duck.
Apple introduces its latest “must have” MP3 music spin-off. Dubbed the I-potty, spokespersons for Apple claim they were inspired by the musical potty introduced last year in Japan. The Apple I-potty will take whatever crap the music industry continues to release but an improved 2-way interface with the musical potty is expected to serve up a wealth of new material that just might improve what the industry has to offer.
Canada’s Supreme Court magistrates quit in order to get in line for the more lucrative (and more frequently used) higher court of Canadian appeals known affectionately in patronage circles as Public Inquiries.
Only North America is singled out and devastated by an Avian Flu epidemic. Experts from the rest of the world believe it was due to the fact that, although the disease did not manage to mutate to a strain that could jump species from bird to human, North American Drug Company and Media hype vis a vis the inevitability of such a mutation created a continent of “chickens” (the perfect host for said virus).
