Category Archive: 2003

Geekly, Whojamaflick McLoser, the made for television Canadian Idol’s face will no longer haunt our televisions, grocery checkouts and every other media supplement imaginable.   On a better note, the music industry claims they are winning their war against internet pirates based on the fact that not one of Whojamaflick’s songs were illegally downloaded on the net.

Americans open their borders to Canadian beef, when Paul Martin convinces Little George Bush that you are what you eat, and if you don’t eat beef, you have a higher likelihood of becoming chicken.  Hey, do you want American soldiers to be chicken or mad when they face their your enemies?

Gasoline is finally unmasked for what it is – the root of all evil, while Alcohol officially replaces gasoline as our main source of energy.  I say officially because, since the beginning of time, alcohol has always been behind progress.  Rum rations led to England’s supremacy at sea.  Most of the world’s greatest Philosophers through the ages were known to be frequently pissed.  Dad and I (and I’d wager a lot of father/son combos) have more than once solved all of the world’s problems over a couple bottles of good whisky.  Maybe Ontario was right when they dubbed their Liquor Stores “essential services” during our great North-Eastern Blackout.

In one of the shrewdest corporate partnerships since Microsoft bundled their operating systems with IBM, provinces decide to sell alcohol out of Gas stations.  With the accelerated rise in prices at the pump provincial authorities decide that motorists would have to be drunk to pay those prices. More importantly, they feel that if they massage their liquor price hikes into those at the pumps, who’ll notice.

The “Big Apple” becomes better known as the “Big NAFTArine” when New York syphons off all of the Ontario’s electricity surplus that has accrued, not from new power stations or improvements in existing operations, but from the sweat (in the summertime) of the Ontario power consumer.

Winter ushers in record sales for long underwear in Ontario.

Canada becomes a Third World Country (defined as any country whose natural resources and public utilities are wholly owned by offshore interests).  Fresh on the heels of the Great Blackout of 2003, no-one thinks to question deregulation (and other slick legislation that sneaks in during its aftermath) as the remaining provinces of Canada follow the Ontario model and deregulate their utilities.

Parliament votes in favor of same sex marriage by a landslide.  Not so much a prediction as it is a done deal. Think about it. One third of all marriages end in divorce.  Divorce cases represent a healthy chunk of the profits reported by most law firms.  A majority of our parliamentarians are lawyers by trade.   When asked for the single most irreconcilable difference warranting divorce, plaintiffs are most apt to reply, “because he’s an asshole.”  You make the connections.

When both bombs and police fail to stamp out crime in Iraq, the west unveils it’s last resort, the doomsday device of democracy… the Internal Revenue Service is flown in and Iraq takes its place in the alliance of willing.

Two weeks prior to the American’s 2004 elections, Airforce One makes another top secret flight from the Bush ranch, this time to whisk George Bush the Smaller into Afghanistan for a photo-op to bolster the troops (and his own sagging chances at re-election).  On the return trip, Osama Bin Laden suddenly appears, as if from nowhere, to hi-jack the flight.  Having subdued all of the soldiers and secret security agents all seems lost until George steps out of the cockpit and single-handedly overcomes the strangely sedate Bin Laden.  Boy George subsequently wins the election by a landslide.

PM Paul Martin makes a gallant attempt to get the country into ship shape when he starts operating Federal Government Offices under a Panamanian flag, fires all civil servants and replaces them with illegal aliens.

A small battle is won against the spiraling ethics of Big Media when they agree to rename their news programs (and papers), “The Rumours” instead of the “The News.”  This action is in response to the public’s growing concern that over 70% of most news broadcasts/stories are actually expert analysts competing to out-sensationalize each other by telling us what they think “might” happen “if” something occurs.

The U.S. Government surprises experts when they bypass monkeys, pilots and rocket-scientists in favor of an IRS accountant for their first manned mission to Mars.  As a further departure form the norm, his mission is not to find life on Mars but to squeeze whatever life he can out of the billion dollar batteries that preceded him in an effort to get some value for money.  In a related story, the sagging American airline industry gets a boost when thousands of aerospace engineers and CEO’s book flights to various non-extraditable ports of call.

Germany is absolved of all responsibility and liability for the Holocaust, World War II and any and all associated crimes against humanity on the grounds that Adolph Hitler was actually born in Austria.  They immediately file a lawsuit against the U.S. for damages; however, the Americans counter that, although they still don’t agree that mad cows have anything to do with mad men, they feel that Adolph’s dad’s name (Alois) started with the same two letters as Alberta; therefore, it is only logical that Canada should pay the damages.

Banks and most major retailers report record profits despite a sudden downturn in the economy; however, their celebration is short lived when consumers levy and win a class action lawsuit on the grounds that, like Big Tobacco before them, both were guilty of fraudulently aiding and abetting the general public’s addiction to spending above and beyond their means.