The Canadian dollar surprises everyone when it rebounds to a point where it is once again accepted at par to Canadian Tire money.
World Wrestling Federation promoter, Vince McMahon, sues the U.S. Government for stealing the WWF’s patented strategy of calling upon good guys to become bad guys and bad guys to become good. White House Lawyers defend themselves on the grounds that it cannot be the same thing when the WWF uses this strategy to capture the public’s attention, while the American Government prefers to use it in order to divert the public’s attention. “Besides,” they claim, “we have been using this approach to further our foreign policy long before the WWF came into being.
Flashforward: Based on the old adage, “if you can’t beat em – join em,” McMahon forms a partnership with the White House. In return for recruiting new good guys who are willing to turn bad on demand for the state department, he is given unlimited rights to market action figurines of all past, present and future players in the game of U.S. foreign policy.
Canadian Boot Camps evolve to Stomach Cramps. Suddenly Canadian soldiers find they are spending more time snaking along on their bellies as opposed to marching. When asked for an explanation, our Minister of Defense responds that throughout the annals of history it has been recognized that great armies have always marched on their stomachs; therefore, these new steps have nothing to do with the cost or the state of our army’s footwear.
Though still nowhere near the biggest or best equipped army in the free world, Canada takes a “baby step” towards military legitimacy when it commissions Procter & Gamble to construct the world’s biggest diapers for it’s 2nd hand submarine fleet.
The United Nations (on the advice of the Americans) levy an ultimatum on Canada. Their message, “Let our inspectors in to confirm you are not, in fact, stockpiling boots of “fast guy traction” or face the mother of all bombings. This on the “heels” of our government’s reluctance to “boot” all suspected terrorist organizations and their affiliates out of the country on the grounds that our army is shoeless. Asked if this was nothing more than a face saving exercise for the U.S. whose alternative would have been to attack Iraq and face the heat of criticism for not also attacking a much more dangerous enemy in North Korea; or, more poignantly, as a response to what was said by certain Canadian officials about the American president’s intelligence quotient, a White House spokesperson indicated that it was more on the lines of the proximity of Canada as a clear and present danger.
Flash: Canada (perhaps in the knowledge that the inspector’s are bound to find the palatial walk in closets that were constructed in the Prime Minister’s residence by his equally diabolical predecessor for stockpiles of this kind), calls their bluff and declares war on the Americans first. Military analysts claim it is likely related to a growing belief among Canadians that our soldiers are less likely to be bombed by the Americans if they are their enemy.
Outcome: The Americans make a major strategic blunder when they concentrate all of their effort on bombing the electric power stations in the industrial heartland of Ontario in hopes of bringing Canada to its knees. What they hadn’t counted on was the fact the since the Ontario Government’s deregulation of Ontario Hydro in 2002, there was nothing their bombs could do that would screw conditions up more than we had already become accustomed to. Furthermore, that deregulation had led to massive sales of our electricity to the US, and by destroying Ontario’s Hydro stations, the Americans quickly dealt a crippling blow to their own effort. This, coupled with the fact that, with one of the greatest military maneuvers of all time, a fleet of Canadian submarines (remember them?) turned their giant diapers inside out, saturated them with shit and floated undetected up the Hudson River to capture New York City. The Americans were forced to sue for peace on our terms.
American scientists invent a cure for the common cold. In an unprecedented show of inter-national good faith (usually accorded only to third world countries oozing with raw materials), they give the drug to their Canadian neighbors to the north for it’s first ever round of mass inoculations. Two weeks later there are no reports of colds anywhere in Canada. Celebrations are, however, cut short when the entire population of Canada contracts and dies from a new mystery virus dubbed the Coincidence-i-think-not-cia epidemic.
