Category Archive: 2002

(Hurting) Headitor’s note:  Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my ^wrec_kollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy.  You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.

While the rest of the business world reels on the heels of, well … reality, economic disaster, scandals and/or all of the above, the Ontario Liquor Control Board (and I suspect other Liquor Boards across the country) reports record profits.  Western fundamentalists are quick to cite this as a sign from god that, despite the teachings of Mohammed against drinking and other excesses, here lies the one true profit.

An international incident comes to a peaceful conclusion when a Quebec motorist is finally returned to his family after filling up on cheap American Gas.  The American Secretary of State admits that it was a simple translation issue caused when their border guards mistook the suspect’s rants on “unending Canadian gas tax” to be threats of “impending Canadian gas attacks.”

Despite sporting what we are told is one of the more robust economies in the world, the rest of the world is either not taking our dollar (or more likely the people who expect us to take “them” seriously), seriously.  At 63.6 cents US, our dollar continues to lag behind that of the other G-8 countries.  The “smart” money is not predicting much by way of a rebound until our ruling fathers (and mothers) “wise” up and stop spending Canadian dollars on image consultants given to the task of re-inventing their personalities. Only then is it likely that someone will get those same consultants to re-invent our dollar in a light that is mor_e on the serious side – perhaps by calling it something other than “the loonie.”