We made it!!!! We survived Armageddon January 1, 2000 (a.k.a. the Year 2000 bug). We survived Armageddon May 5, 2000 (a.k.a. the day the largest planets in our solar system came into perfect alignment with the Sun and the Earth – an event that was supposed to have caused the Western Ice Shield of Antarctica to break away and cause global flooding and a redefinition of the shorelines of the world). Heck, I even survived without ever laying eyes on the Survivor television series.
Category Archive: 2000
Jan 01
Other Noteworthy Events 2000
The Americans cannot decide which presidential candidate is the loser. Meanwhile, a little further north, Canadians have five losers to choose from.
I vote for the first time…ever. Fact is, I only went to the voting station to get the brochures of the candidates running in my constituency to prove to colleagues at work that I had the most hurting bunch of reprobates in the city to choose from. Any one of those guys could have run under the slogan, “Employ the Unemployable – Vote for Me!” Of course, the vast majority of all candidates from sea to shining sea could probably qualify under that slogan.
Epiphany!! Throughout the annals of history, Hollywood and literature, the “bad” guys have always aspired to rule the world. I cannot remember one instance in movies, literature or the funny papers where a “good” guy ever aspired to rule a world, a kingdom or a country.
The Texas Rangers, a professional baseball team, agree to pay someone a quarter of a billion dollars to “play” baseball for four years.
The top-selling album of the year is by the Beatles. Every old-time musical group or musician with a pulse launches a comeback/reunion tour.
Jan 01
Conspiracy of the Year – 2000:
The super city. Do they reduce costs by eliminating tiers of government or are they actually intended to re-introduce taxation without representation. Wasn’t the Romanian President, Nicolai Ceaucesceau shot by his electorate after he forced all Romanians into Urban super cities?
Honorable mention: Harry Potter. The only book that schoolchildren are inclined to read (those that the school systems have not already rendered illiterate with literary gems by Margaret Atwood and/or “A Passage to India”) is branded as evil by many school systems and church groups.
Jan 01
My Media/Political/Public Phobia of the year goes to Human Resources Development Canada
In January headlines read, “HRDC does not have enough information on who is spending what, where?” In May headlines read, “HRDC has too much information on everyone. It should be dismantled.”
Honorable Mention: Brain drain (nuff said).
Jan 01
Song of the Year 2000
“Do it like the Discovery Channel” – sorry, I don’t know the actual name of the song or the band that sings it. It might even have even been released in 1999 (Did I mention that the Beatles were the best band in 2000?)
Runner up: Celine Dion’s ultrasound recordings.
Jan 01
Joke (or Diet Plan) of the Year 2000
Q: What is the best way to get rid of over 250 pounds of useless fat?
A: Call a divorce lawyer.
Jan 01
Memory Lane at Our House 2000
We purchase a new bed that has fewer lumps than I do. This, coupled with our primary goal for 2001, to get new furniture in the living room, should allow me to kiss the chiropractor off forever and maybe get back to an exercise regime that will vault me ahead of the watermelon in nature’s hierarchy of physical activity.
Jan 01
New Year Resolutions 2001
To get organized – mentally, physically, financially, professionally and logistically.
Honorable Mention: Obtain a breast reduction and/or Steel Radial “D” cup.
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2001
After successfully renegotiating a contract to bring his salary in line with the rest of the team, the New York Yankee’s water boy, performs a hostile takeover on Bill Gates and Microsoft.
The WWF’s fledgling XFL Football league becomes America’s most watched broadcast when they substitute the tradition of the “spike dance” after touchdowns with gang rapes of the opposing team’s cheerleaders.
The Canadian Government (a.k.a. HRDC) tightens up its spending habits thus plunging the world into the next Great Depression.
Jean Cretien marries Queen Elizabeth II and they vow to rule “happily ever after” (upon hearing the news Prince Charles, Paul Martin and the Canadian Public commit mass suicide).
Following the success of all the comeback tours of 2000, and in anticipation that tomorrow’s music will be no better that today’s, the major record companies take the next logical marketing step after their “Unplugged” recordings by releasing a rash of “Exhumed” recordings.
The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Dr. Bette R. Feedthing II for her development of genetically re-engineered vegetables that are not green.