“That was some weird shit.”
— George W. Bush after Donald Trump’s inauguration speech.
Category Archive: 2017
Jan 01
Other Awards 2017
My “Spin Skater” or “Most Underpaid Person Ever” award goes to Sean Spicer
The Dodder’s Whitehouse Press Secretary lasted longer than most all of the President’s men, despite having the unenviable task of defending, if not explaining, the steady scream of twitterbabble emanating from the Woeful Office.
My “Trust Me, We Only Want to Protect You from Yourselves” award goes to the NSA & the Woeful Office
Exactly one day after the President announces a new Cyber Security executive order calling for greater government regulation (spying?) on internet traffic, a massive ransomware virus that was developed (and apparently lost) by America’s ultra super secret (NSA) police force infects computer systems around the world.
My “With Friends Like That…” award goes to Fakebook (and friends).
Speaking of being Putin the awkward position of friending the wrong horse, Fakebook, Google and Twitter find themselves wallowing in the rubles of last year’s presidential election. American Senators rake the companies for their failure to recognize that political ads and posts paid for with Russian rubles just might be an unfriendly state’s attempt to influence the outcome of the election. See more at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-41821359
Related Quote:
“Putin and I discussed forming an impenetrable cyber-security unit so that election hacking, and many other negative things, will be guarded and safe.
— Donald Trump, describing his positive talks with Russia’s president
Runner Up: My Friend Cayla doll
Smart German’s are encouraged to Chucky out their children’s Bluetooth enabled talking dolls on evidence that it represents a “concealed transmitting device” which is illegal under German telecoms law. Notwithstanding the toy’s potential illegal surveillance issues it has been proved that hackers (a.k.a. strangers) can speak directly to children.
Related Story: A Norwegian watchdog says ditto for Child safety smartwatches
My “I know You Are but What Am I” award goes to… “The Dodder”
The Dodder takes time off his busy schedule preparing to become the leader of the free world to partake in a little trash talk with Meryl Streep who, I guess, he felt might be the clear and present danger to world peace and America the Beautiful.
My “Dumbell Fleece Prize” goes to Smart(?) Phone iddicts
Canadians have flocked to Big Bro Bell’s fleecing agents in their March Hare preoccupation with walking dead into the coming robocalypse. One of my sources (a bartender) informed me that Bell told businesses that they would have to pay for maintenance and collections from payphones in their establishments if they wanted to keep them. That would account for my inability to find a pay-phone in any of the usual places; however, their removal from the front of the Bell offices reeks of a higher conspiracy. In all my travels I only encountered one individual (and‘e knows who ‘e is) that is not paying Big Bro Bell big bucks to: 1) stop maintaining an affordable communications network that is at our beck and call; and 2) replace it with their cash cow network that appears to have enslaved the world.
Related story: The Province of Ontario grabs a piece of the action by going all in on an advertising campaign for a video gambling app for smart(?) phones that can provide iddicts a more convenient, ubiquitous, 24/7 gambling experience. How lucky is that?
My “Fox in the Henhouse” award goes to Fox News.
Apparrotly, the Dodder sees a need to lay egg after egg on twitter based on his desire to preach the gospel according to Fox News and their own propensity for parroting, if not sensationalizing, “opinions” that are not always, in fact, checked by either their sources and/or Fox News.
Related Story: “Never try a hands on approach if you are all thumbs”
Even as he rails against news leaks, fake news agencies (a.k.a. anyone but Fox News), his intelligence agencies, his predecessors, or any other living thing that does not stoke and/or stroke his own intellectual humungitude, the Dodder appears to be thumbling the bail in spite of himself.
My “First Impressions are Craters” award goes to the Dodder Administration
America’s new custodian of the free world’s nuclear launch codes (and his closest advisors) melt down on their first day in office over the fact that the “fake” news agencies of the world did not think that his was, “the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration – period.”
Related Quote: “We feel compelled to go out and clear the air and put alternative facts out there.”
—White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway (responding to criticism that the new administration was focusing on inauguration crowd sizes rather than on significant domestic and foreign policy issues).
My “Putin U(sa) At Ease” award goes to… Vladimir Putin
In an unpresidented act of Soviet/American cooperation, the Russian president comes to the defense of his American counterpart by categorically denying that he might have something on The Dodder. He stops short of Putin in a good word for America’s chosen one, who just can’t stop gushin on the Russian.
My “Photo Oops!” award goes to Saudi Arabia
It was a year of magmanimous gestures from some of the world’s leading misogynists but Saudi Arabia gets the nod over The Dodder Administration. Although The Dodder brain trust forgot to include any women in their the abortion policy announcement, “old boys” get a waiver for forgetfulness. The Saudi’s didn’t forget when they announced their unprecedented Qassim Girls Council, they simply asked the “girls” in question to chill in an adjoining chamber by video link.
My “Can’t Stand Her Man Award” award goes to… Johanna Watkins
What likely began with the requisite heavy petting and pet names of til death do us part, quickly morphed into a pet allergy on steroids for this Minnesota native who can no longer stand the smell of her husband. Although experts maintain that her condition is rare, others are predicting she could be patient zero to a more virulent “me to” pandemic’
My “Boys and Their Toys” award goes to “a very close [US] Ally“
The unnamed ally used a $3,000,000 patriot missile travelling at 5 times the speed of sound to shoot down a small quadcopter drone with an estimated cost of $200 and a top speed of 50 mph.
Meanwhile in Canada, Skyjet uses a $1.7 million turboprop passenger plane to ram home the importance of a more frugal response in the year’s escalating game of drones.
Runner Up: World’s First Monster Truck Front Flip
Lee O’Donnell becomes the first monster truck driver to successfully perform a front flip.
My “Hare and the Taurus” award goes to Tesla Motors
The electric car maker’s market valuation overtakes that of Ford. Apparently Ford’s (“Building the Better Buggy Whip” award winning) designs failed to become the apple of investor eyes’ with smart innovations like offering a larger windshield (and everything that surrounds it) than anyone else in the market.
My “Free The Prisoners, Jail The Guards” award goes to Equifax
Equifax, a credit history company that sells credit monitoring and fraud-prevention services directly to consumers exposes our personal information to hackers, not once, but twice through what some experts are describing as, “one of the biggest data breaches in history”. Their belated attempts to allow customers to determine whether their personal information was stolen proved to be, themselves hackable, as well as bald attempts at tricking customers into agreeing to terms that will limit the company’s liability and the customers options for redress.
My “Justice Free as Any Dictatorship” award goes to the US Department of Justice
An internet service provider (Dreamhost) refuses when the Department of Justice demands the IP addresses, email content, and pictures of 1.3 million visitors to a website that organized protests against The Dodder on the day of his inauguration.
My “We Thought Things Couldn’t Get Worse, but…” award goes to Twitter
Twitter announces it is doubling their message character limit from 140 to 280. Now users can support their jibber with some jabber.
Jan 01
Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream 2017 Year-End Reviews
“Wile E. President pulls pin on mutual global destruction”
Convinced that global warming is a lie propagated by Chinese scientists who are smarter than everyone else in the world except him, The Dodder withdraws America from the Paris Climate Accord in an attempt to make America great again by ensuring that its rivers, lakes, and air can become every bit as polluted as those of China. Is this the beginning a Coal War? Is it Curtains for mankind?
“Latest pole on global warming is split”
A month after The Dodder pulls America out of Paris Climate Accord, a giant, trillion tonne iceberg the size of Prince Edward Island broke away from Antarctica.
“Apple high on global iddiction”
Apple reports record profits as iddicts everywhere are forming longer lines than a Columbian drug czar to get their latest iPhone fix. The iPhone X boasts such innovations as a larger price tag than any other phone on the market.
Bonus: Gift Ideas for those who are really, really high on keeping up with the Phones.
“A bug of a different feather”
Although botanists and experts of all kinds are unable to explain why Australian cockatoo’s have taken to eating their fibre optic cables, any march hare (not already flattened on today’s high-speed info highway) might suggest that their internet service, that is currently ranked 50th in the world, might just be for the birds.
“Politics make estranged bedfellows in Kenya”
Kenyan men face ellectile dysfunction, when their women are encouraged to deny them sex until they register to vote in the cumming election. Alas, an unusual trist to get-out-the-vote proves no match for the usual irregularities in the current regime’s management of the election process.
“The road to robocolips is depraved with bad inventions”
The idea that Robotics can enable strange bedfellows is disgust on the heels of a report entitled, “Our Sexual Future with Robots.”
“Europeans lettuce know that food shortages are not just a 3rd world problem.”
Europe is feeling the Spain when a combination of flooding, cold weather and poor light levels in southern Europe create poor vegetable growing conditions. Fast forward to the end of the year and Spain sprouts rebellion akin to those experienced when food shortages in the Middle East consumed a number of garden variety dictators.
“A little Bit goes a long way in 2017”
The value of a Bitcoin overtook gold ($1,233) for the first time in March. Not bad for something that was valued at .08¢ when it was first introduced in 2010. But wait, there’s more! By year end, the value of one bitcoin surpasses $13,000. Some believe attempts to get money out of china are every bit to blame.
“North Korea declares war on the South China Sea”
Kim Jong un fails to turn the tides despite launching a bouquet of successful missile attacks on the deep blue sea.
“You go girlilla art”
Life imitates art as New York’s Fearless Girl statue, a piece of gorilla art designed to draw attention to corporate gender inequality, was the first instalment in a year that would see more than a few old boys fall as her real world sisters stand up to say, “me to”, I’m not afraid to speak out against your bull (past and present).
“Come fly the friendly skies with us (but not today)”
Their skies may be friendly but a 69 year old doctor learned that US Airlines are not so friendly on the ground.
“The mother of all bombs”
One month after the Americans put paid to an IS stronghold with one very Big Bang the Islamic State responds by attacking western moms and their daughters at an Ariana Grande concert in Manchester, England.
“China retaliates to South Korean maneuvers with a weapon of mass consumption”
America defends its ally with the surreptitious threat of unleashing their astonishingly expensive arsenal of military might, but action speaks louder than words when China openly attacks South Korea with an astonishingly expensive travel embargo. Advantage China.
“While cooler heads Wanna Cry, one nerd saves the world”
When a global ransomware virus called WannaCry has corporations, their security gurus, and countless other computer owners living up to its name, a vacationing security blogger stops the virus in its tracks with some old-fashioned analysis and $10.69.
“Friends, frauds, what’s the diff as long as they like us?”
Google & Facebook are taken for $100 million in a phishing scam.
“Go go gadget world domination”
Some profess our gadgets are better than China’s after Google’s AlphaGo Artificial Intelligence program sweeps Ke Jie, the reigning world champion of Go.
“Google reads the writing on the wall and stops reading the writing in your Gmail”
Google stops eavesdropping on persons sending email via their Gmail service. Its one small victory (in principle) on a year that will be remembered for its leaks, cyberattacks and some of histories most astounding exposures of personal data.
“Solving the hard issues is child’s play when you can China light on the root of all evil.”
While the west is twiddling thumbs over an opiate crisis, smart phone consumerism, social introversion and lagging productivity, a Chinese internet giant voluntarily restricts children to 1 hour on their video games. In a related but less proactive story, we learn that an 18 year-old Chinese boy dies two days after his concerned parents check him into a “boot camp” for the treatment of internet and gaming addiction. Doctors report that he sustained more than 20 external injuries, as well as several internal injuries.
“US Navy task force struggling to keep their eye-eyes on task”
17 sailors die in three separate collisions between US warships and commercial shipping over a four month stretch in the South China and Japan Seas.
“Official US presidential news agency accused of censorship and crimes against free speech”
The Dodder finds himself in court (again) when plaintiffs accuse him of violating their First Amendment right to free speech and suppressing dissent in a public forum when he blocks them on his Twitter account which his aides consider a source of “official statements by the president of the United States”.
Related Quote: “This weekend only! Aside from the nuclear fallout, these tweets will be Trump’s most lasting legacy.”
— a Daily Show tweet announcing the opening of their Donald Trump Twitter Museum
“The Saudi’s get their knickers in a knot over one woman’s mini transgression”
Costumes collide when there is a mini meltdown in Saudi Arabia after a model posts a video of herself walking down the street in a mini-skirt and crop top. Elsewhere France is accused of a civil rights foul when they enact legislation refusing driver licenses for Muslim women who won’t show their face in the photo; whereas, the same Muslim women in Saudi Arabia are not, by law, allowed to drive a car.
“Stiff competition for Viagra and Cialis screw NFL TV revenues”
The National Football League declares soft returns from TV revenue which they are struggling to get up as a result of a decision by Viagra and Cialis to cancel their Erectile Dysfunction ads due to the stiff competition they are experiencing from generic versions that are popping up everywhere now that their patents have expired.
“French fashion models no longer have to take it all off”
The French fashion industry is threatened with heavy fines if their models do not weigh at least as much as the cloths they are wearing.
“Johnson & Johnson experiences rash of lawsuits over baby powder”
Johnson & Johnson is under atTalc for allegations that their baby powder has caused ovarian cancer in some women. They plan to appeal a jury’s award of damages amounting to $417 million for the latest plaintiff in California. There may be as many as 2000 more cases pending in courts around the country.
“As easy as ABC (times a billion)”
Chinese researchers perform the world’s first successful operation to remove disease from a human embryo by correcting one single error out of the three billion “letters” of its genetic makeup.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses their shirt”
Sears and Toys R Us file for bankruptcy in a year that saw US store closures reaching levels. By some estimates, 25% of U.S. malls could close within the next five years. Department stores have shed 46% of their workers since 2001, a greater percentage of their jobs than coal mines or factories have lost over the same period.
“Flagging popularity for America’s athletic supporter in chief”
The Dodder is not groin to stand for persons who choose to kneel during the national anthem as he fans the flames of divisive insurrection with invective attacks against professional athletes and their peaceful “take a knee” demonstrations against racism and police brutality. Nobody knows what color his glasses were when he was watching “…very closely, much more closely than you people watched it,” a violent mob of torch wielding racists marching under many enemy (confederate) flags. That he described as, “people protesting very quietly”.
“The best way to avoid expensive leaks Is to stay on shore.”
Although no-one is surprised to learn that the richest of the richest (and their political pets) are dodging the tax man via sketchy offshore investments; the real story here is what wasn’t said. The Dodder wasn’t Russian to launch any of his signature rants against those unpatriotic sons of bitches.
Jan 01
New Words 2017
The following words have been recognized by the Oxford, Cambridge, and/or Merriam-Webster dictionaries over the course of 2017.
Alt-right (n.): a right-wing movement whose members reject mainstream conservative politics and espouse extremist beliefs and policies typically centered on ideas of white nationalism.
Alternative facts (n.): 1) The Woeful Office’s preferred spin on reality (and/or anything they do not agree with); 2) a more “official” rendering of fake news.
Bibimbap (n.): Korean dish of rice, vegetables, usually meat, and a raw or fried egg.
Craptacular (adj.): remarkably poor or disappointing
Dog whistle (n.): an expression or statement that has a secondary meaning intended to be understood only by a particular group of people.
First World Problem (n.): A usually minor or trivial problem or annoyance experienced by people in relatively affluent or privileged circumstances especially as contrasted with problems of greater social significance facing people in poor and underdeveloped parts of the world.
Froyo (n.): short for frozen yogurt.
Haterade (n.): excessive negativity, criticism, or resentment.
Hive mind (n.): the collective thoughts, ideas, and opinions of a group of people (such as internet users) regarded as functioning together as a single mind.
Lovefest (n.): An event or interaction characterized by mutual appreciation, affinity, or affection, especially when regarded as excessive or inappropriate.
Microaggression (n.): A comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority).
Prosopagnosia (n.): An inability to recognize faces.
Ransomware (n.): A program used by hackers to encrypt key files and drives so they cannot be accessed until you pay a ransom.
Sausage Fest (n.): An event or group in which the majority of participants are male.
Train wreck (n.): An utter disaster or mess: a disastrous calamity or source of trouble.
Bonus entries [from yours truly]:
Dodder (v.): to allow the voices in your head to speak out loud in an uncensored stream of conscience.
The Woeful Office (n.): An (executive when capitalized) office that is run by a twitt er, some weird shit, er both.
Jan 01
Vital Statistics 2017
| Vital Statistics | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | … | 2007 |
| a Canadian dollar is worth | $ 0.79 US | $ 0.74 US | $ 0.72US | … | $ 0.96US |
| an ounce of Gold is worth | $ 1,302 US | $ 1,152US | $1,060US | … | $836US |
| a Bitcoin is worth | $ 13,810 us | $ 951US | $430US | … | — |
| S&P/TSX Composite Index | 16,209 | 15,287 | 13,010 | … | 13,833 |
| your share of the National Debt | $17,643 | $ 17,508 | $18,207 | … | $ 15,499 |
| a domestic Postage Stamp costs | $1.00 | $1.00 | $1.00 | … | $0.51 |
| a local call on a Bell pay phone | $0.50 | $0.50 | $0.50 | … | $0.50 |
| a liter of Pepsi costs | $2.49 | $2.49 | $2.49 | … | $1.79 |
| a liter of water costs | $2.39 | $2.39 | $2.39 | … | $1.69 |
| a liter of milk costs (purchased in a four liter bag) | $1.07 | $1.07 | $1.00 | … | $1.19 |
| a liter of gasoline costs | $1.09 | $1.06 | $0.81 | … | $1.04 |
| a loaf of bread costs | $3.69 | $3.29 | $3.19 | … | $1.67 |
| a paperback novel costs | $12.99 | $12.99 | $11.99 | … | $12.99 |
| a weekly (Time) magazine costs | $7.99 | $6.99 | $6.99 | … | $5.95 |
| a comic book costs | $4.99 | $3.99 | $3.99 | … | $3.99 |
| a daily newspaper costs | $2.00 | $1.52 | $1.52 | … | $0.94 |
| a regular bus ride costs | $3.40 | $3.65 | $3.55 | … | $1.90 |
| a medium cup of coffee costs | $1.69 | $1.62 | $1.57 | … | $1.17 |
| a basic cable television package | $24.99 | $40.48 | $40.48 | … | $27.49 |
| a first run movie rental costs | $6.99 | $5.99 | $5.99 | … | $4.39 |
| an adult’s movie theatre ticket costs | $11.99 | $11.50 | $10.99 | … | $9.95 |
| a children’s movie theatre ticket is | $8.50 | $8.50 | $8.50 | … | $7.95 |
| Minimum wage (Ontario) | $11.60/hr | $11.40/hr | $11.25/hr | … | $ 8.00/hr |
| an adult men’s haircut | $19.00 | $19.00 | $19.00 | … | $14.25 |
| a medium combination pizza | $16.75 | $16.75 | $16.75 | … | $14.35 |
| Current World Population | 7,550,262,101 |
| Births this year | 142,193,455 |
| Deaths this year | 58,895,634 |
| Net population growth this year | 83,297,821 |
Bonus – Other Vital Stat Meters at a Glance: http://www.worldometers.info/
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2018
Twitter unveils Dodder, a premium extra-secure version of its product for old eccentrics and/or politicians that think an “all thumbs” approach to policy, diplomacy and public opinion will make them cool.
The Dodder administration encourages cowboys and baseball enthusiasts to place a pinch of coal dust between their cheek and gums to make America great again. Meanwhile, American teens are encouraged to snort at least one line of coal dust every day because coal is the new cool.
In another attempt to make America Great Again, The Dodder Administration announces it will resurrect the buggy whip industry.
Boasting his and her elevators to access the cab and an extended bed that can accommodate a squadron of 747 Jumbo Jets (or two 2017 Ford Expeditions), Ford Motor Company’s new Enterprise class nuclear powered pick-up truck flattens the competition.
As food shortages immigrate to America despite sugar coated assurances from the Woeful Office that Global Warming is a groundless figment of fake science designed to undermine The Dodder’s supreme intellect, he says, “lettuce eat cake” and signs an executive order demanding that Americans (or at least 99% of them) substitute Twinkies for all things that grow out of the ground.
America nukes North Korea over reports that Chairman Kim Jong Un had claimed that more people attended his birthday celebration than there were at the Dodder’s inauguration.
In an ongoing attempt to bolster Irrnational Insecurity and his Administration, The Dodder threatens to block internet service providers from the American market unless they provide him with the personal information and open access to every visitor on every site that mentions his name in anything but glowing tribute.
The United States of America burns down when wildfires sweep the nation because all the water that was required to fight them was squandered in attempts to disperse anti-Trump demonstrators.
US Naval officers and crew are now required to undertake annual eye-eye tests.
High end woman’s hand bags double in size now that the fashion industry has models that can bear the weight.
American Troops are not sent to liberate a single country that is sitting on rich coal reserves.
The world becomes a better place when every person, corporation and billionaire in the world suddenly demands immediate steps be taken to punish Dictators and War Criminals everywhere. This unprecedented level of global public awareness and rage is fueled by a new crimes against humanity surcharge that is added to the price of gasoline every time the sociopathic butt sphincters of the world attack helpless women or children within their borders (or anyone else’s).
Jan 01