Category Archive: 2006

(Hurting) Headitor’s note:  Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my ^wrec_kollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy.  You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.

Muslim extremists prove they lack any sense of humor (or irony), when they threaten to continue blowing things up if the West doesn’t start taking their threats more seriously.

Shortly after Canadians elect a Conservative Minority to speak for them in Parliament, the Conservative leader Stephen Harper orders those elected officials to keep quiet unless otherwise authorized by his office.

Paul Martin announces that since he can’t be Prime Minister he is taking his ball and glove and going home.  Actually, what he really meant was, “The parties over, you can keep your leader ship, I’m going back to my fleet of ships.”   To say no-one seems to want his job would not be wholly accurate since every one (of the party no-ones) announces they will make a bid for the leadership.  Sadly it was not everyone and their dog, since their dog would have been a more marketable party leader (provided that said dog was a French poodle).

Canadians are now required to show ID cards when crossing the border into U.S.   Some claim it to be an unfortunate by-product of heightened U.S. Homeland Security; however, insiders at the White House claim that their past approach of distinguishing Canadians from Americans by simply talking with them in order to determine their heightened level of intelligence (as compared to their cousins south of the border) no longer works.  Canadians are now coming across as just about as stupid if not stupider than their American counterparts.

Related Story:  Conservatives take credit for stemming the flow of Canadian “brain drain” south of the border.

While on the subject of American Pie it is now official.  Even the experts are talking about the lack of quality music in the industry.  MTV, the premier American cable music channel launches MTV Canada on April 18 under a license to broadcast in Canada as a …“Talk Channel.”  I’ve been telling you for years now that there is little if any music worth listening to these days.  Now even the industry is coming around to my way of thinking.  Anyone want to buy an empty iPod?

Now that the Gomery Commission has come to a close with the fallguys having been sent to jail for a couple months, the unemployed judges and lawyers cash their paycheques and belly up to the bar once more for another round of hiding from the fact that any witnesses against the Sikh Air India bombers are either dead or prone to becoming so.  That’s right folks, now that the costliest criminal proceedings in Canadian history (estimated at about $130 million) have come to their close, Stephan Harper’s “let’s run this country differently” Conservatives announce there will be a “public inquiry” into the bombing of Air India 182 – how it occurred, why the law has failed to find those responsible and whether it could happen again.

… but don’t take us home my darling Mullah, cause we still prefer the  freedom and living arrangements here and, oh look, the infidels are giving us each a lawyer at their expense – Mullah, Fatwa kindly disregard this letter.  Yes, Canada can finally claim …well, according to Canadian authorities, anything that does not include the words Muslim or Islam when they thwart a plot by 17 young Canadian “startlelists” to blow up the Toronto Stock Exchange and sundry other misdemeanors such as attacking Canada’s Parliament and beheading its Prime Minister.  While the rest of the world is glued to their television sets (albeit for World Cup soccer coverage) Canadians everywhere despair that this may have been their last chance to have actually seen any real parliamentary reform under Stephan Harper’s Conservatives.

Best Related Quote:

“…Muslims fear repercussions over tomorrow’s train bombing.”

                                                                              — Angus Jung

Runners up:

“Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals can believe them.”  

—George Orwell

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

 —Albert Einstein

Canadians everywhere (except Lebanon and Florida) wonder how so many Canadian citizens can invest so much time and Canadian money in a “hot spot” half way around the world and then demand to be immediately removed from harm’s way when their life and/or pursuit of happiness is in jeopardy.