Our “Special Operations R us(sia)” award goes to Russia

Russia is falling victim to a homegthrown oil^[ygarch] shortage of its own when the billionaire chairman of Russia’s Lukoil dies in a Special Ambulatory Operation out a hospital window in Moscow. Russia’s News Agency is calling it a suicide.  No word as to whether it was assisted or not, and if so, apparently even billionaires can’t expect special treatment in Russia where a trip out the window is still the best assisted suicide that even a billionaire’s money can buy. Ravil Maganov is only the fourth Russian energy oligarch (that we know of) to have died in especially unusual circumstances in the special months since Putin’s special operations began last February.

Our “Bleak Prospects” award goes to Russian Generals

For the first time in living memory top spot on the list of the world’s most dangerous jobs did not belong to either Fishers or Loggers.  In 2022, it was Russian Generals who were putin’ their life on the line above and beyond all other occupations.  Yes, the Russian army is in a state of general chaos and the rapid attrition within this rank does not bode well for the future of Russia’s other occupation (of Eastern Ukraine). Putin’s ability to recruit replacements could meet with as much or more resistance from prospective candidates than his special occupation has met in Ukraine.

Our “Stupid is as Stupid Does” award goes to the Canadian Freedom Convoy.

A small minority of Canadian truckers who are afraid of being vaccinated against Covid-19 drive across Canada and park their rigs on the Ambassador Bridge, a border crossing that generates a quarter of US-Canada trade. Why? Because they thought it was unfair that they were required to be vaccinated in order to cross into the United States (but apparently quite fair for them to prevent the majority of truckers on both sides of the border who were not afraid of the needle to traverse the border). Among the other demands voiced by this gaggle of “special interest group’s” unelected leaders [none of whom were truckers] was the request that Canada’s unelected Governor General and unelected Senate dissolve it’s elected parliament and name members of Canada Unity (another unelected special interest group) to form a Canadian Citizens Committee. Bottom Line: The majority of voices in my head have elected to call a spade a shovel. The Freedom Convoy was a failed “Authoritarian My Way or the Highway Anti-Democracy Special (self) Interest Group Putsch”

Related Quote [from the archive]:

“Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.”  ― Winston S. Churchill

Related Statistic:

Our “Cold Dead Hands” award goes to Lebanese banks

In a year where money was tight for everyone, Lebanese banks clung tightest of all when they refused to allow clients to withdraw “their” money even after they took everyone in the bank hostage at gunpoint. Some even threatened to set themselves (and the bank) on fire. Soldiers were summoned to protect the clients from themselves and “their” money.

Our “Birds of Feather” award goes to Trump’s Flock

A gaggle of wingnuts had their wings clipped in 2022 for their part in  their walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, Big Bird’s attempted insurrection on Jan 6, 2021. Hitler Moustache guy was just one of many strange birds of the nutso, neo-nazi kind who flocked to (and parroted) their Führerious leader’s cries of fowl in the 2020 presidential election.  Still proud of his boys, the Dodder is providing financial assistance for some of the defendants with the added promise of full pardons and official government apologies to all.

Our “Big Boob Boo!” award goes to Mentor

This breast implant manufacturing affiliate of Allergan and Johnson & Johnson’s was found to be less than upfront when reporting incidents of injuries and complications surrounding their product. Of course, what would you expect from a company who is in the business of augmenting realty? Perhaps the bigger boobs in this story are the Government and hospitals who were relying on those companies to be on point when exposing their faults[ies] to the public.

Our “YouthandAsia” award goes to Indonesia

Indonesia kills the concepts of friends with benefits and hooking up when it makes pre- and extra-marital sex a crime replete with stiff prison sentences of one year for sex and 6 months for living with someone you are not married to.

Our “Capital Hillbillies” award goes to the [Cdn] Freedom Convoy

Or rather the leadership (or lack thereof) on both sides. In a word bizarre (but what should we expect when Jethro Bodine is our Prime Minister)?  Yes, one year after the American Hillbillies stormed their capital, Canada experienced an insurrection of its own. What is it about Capital Hills that only seems to attract the broken and destitute from all corners of a country? The bad news is that, even though that episode is over, we still have Jethro and about 649 other fools on the hill. The good news is that “if” any of the civil or criminal cases find their way into court, the truckers will be able to plead their fundamental case (if there is one) based on reportable facts without the surrounding carnival of “noise”.

Our “Special Interests” award goes to the Freedom Convoy Leaders

It’s hard to overlook the irony of a minority of truckers protesting the Covid-19 protocol’s impact on their life, liberty and ability to cross borders by waiting for said protocols to be lifted and then locking down their Country’s borders and the business districts of cities to the majority.  But that is what makes democracy so great – the fact that   free speech makes it easier to determine who the stupid people are. Looking on the bright side (which also reflects poorly on the truckers) at least Ottawa had some clowns at their winter carnival in 2022.

Our “This Isn’t Sparta” award goes to 300^x10 American troops

Yes we’ve seen some inflation since the days of King Leonidas and his 300, but one thing hasn’t changed. Nothing pisses off a sociopathic imperialist and tyrant like a little democracy.  Putin’s spokes-puppets accidentally foreshadowed the poor fighting readiness of his invasion force of 100,000 Russian soldiers massing on the Ukrainian border when they vehemently condemned America’s response of deploying 3000 American troops to Eastern Europe as being an unprovoked and dangerous escalation of tensions.  Trust bluster like that to leonidus (me and my voices) to be putin some perspective to those numbers. Apparently the Russians had already known that a 33-1 advantage (or much, much higher when you consider none of the 300^x10 troops were sent to Ukraine or anywhere en mass for that matter) would still lead to a “destructive” [Russia’s words not mine] outcome for their invasion force.

Our “Gross Domestic Product” award goes to Canada

The next time you feel obligated to raise a stink over the poor quality of that crap other countries are exporting to your household (and/or storage locker) consider this: Canada’s estimated total waste generation is the largest in the entire world. It has an estimated annual waste total of 1,325,480,289 metric tons. Given Canada’s population of 36.7 million, that’s an estimated annual waste per capita of 36.1 metric tons per Canadian of any age.

Our “Mine’s Bigger” award goes to Vladimir Putin’s Table

It’s not that Vlad is afraid of the people banished to the far reaches of the other end of that table. Nor is it an anger management ploy to protect them from his own ability to reach over and get his hands around their throats.  [We believe] Putin’s gigantic table was commissioned for the sole purposes of ensuring that no-one would ever be able to turn the table on him.

Runners Up: While on the subject of records held by big dicks, here is the rest of the leader board.

Our “Sounds Like a Matter of Taste” award goes to Dyson Zone

Sure you can wash your mouth out with soap, but why not use a vacuum instead. Dyson, a company famous for their vacuum cleaners, introduced its new Dyson Zone headphones with a wraparound mouthpiece that will clean the filth out of the air before it gets to your mouth. It’s still too early to tell exactly how much it will or will not suck, but fashion experts and hipsters everywhere agree it’s going to come down to a matter of taste.

Our “Location, Location, Location” award goes to 2541 E. 40^th Ave

The most appealing quality of this not so hot property listed at $4.888M in Vancouver, Canada seems to be the fact that a strong wind if not a big bad wolf could save the buyer the costs of demolition.

Our “Start the Car!” award goes to a Dutch 4-yr old

Dutch police apprehended a not so grand theft auto enthusiast as he was fleeing the scene of a three car accident. Fortunately for the 4-yr old no-one was harmed and the police were not American (i.e. armed).  The mother has been instructed to ground the boy and put her car keys in lockdown.

Our “Cownary in the Coal Mine” award goes to Prairie Cattle

While Canadian Prairie ranchers are blaming successive years of drought and the scarcity of cattle feed for their inability to sustain their herds. Meanwhile, Prairie fossil fuel barons are concerned other Prairie people if not politicians might heed this warning.

Our “Poor Judgment” award goes to the US Supreme Court

In an apparent attempt to make American laws medieval again, five Republican Supreme Court Justices rule that women must have babies if the State tells them to.

Our “Mild, Mild, West” award goes to the Uvalde, Police Force

In the rough and tough Republican State of Texas, police officers elect to circle the wagons while a lunatic strolls through an Elementary School and kills 19 kids and 2 teachers.  Perhaps they were waiting until high noon to gun down the bad guy… “The Texas Way.”

Our “Unhappiest Birthday Celebration” award goes to the NRA

The National Rifle Association (NRA) celebrated its 150^th Anniversary  “trying to regroup following a period of serious legal and financial turmoil that included a failed bankruptcy effort, a class action lawsuit and a fraud investigation by New York’s Attorney General.  Speaking of failures, bankruptcies, lawsuits and fraud investigations Donald Trump spoke at their convention in Houston, Texas just three days after (and 4 hours down the road from) the Uvalde Elementary School shootings. Uvalde was just one of the 648 pointless mass shootings in 2022 that amassed 672 dead and 2705 injured Americans.  Last year’s overall total for Americans who died victims of gun violence was 44,190.

In a related story:  The U.S. Congress passed their 1^st gun control legislation in decades.  That was of course before it was taken over by the latest gang of trigger-happy Republicans.

Our “You Can’t Handle the Truth” award goes to PM Trudeau’s Canada

Canada’s PM Justin (it for my inner circle) Trudeau “has adopted 72 secret orders-in-council — hidden from Parliament and Canadians — since coming to office”. That’s already (in just 6 years) more than twice as many as his Conservative predecessor (who reigned supreme for 10 years).

Our “Knickers in a Knot” award goes to France

While Iran was unravelling over the morality (or lack thereof) of headscarves (or the lack thereof); France found itself immersed in hot water over their ban on any woman’s choice to wear a swimsuit that did not fit their French sense of fashion morality (or lack thereof).

Our “Hottest Immigrants” award goes to India

Canadian immigrants from India are all but guaranteed an XXX rating in the eyes of Canadian Authorities.

Our “Hair Brained Ideas” award goes to grease balls

Using a maxim long understood by your average grease ball (i.e., that  human hair can absorb 5 times its weight in oil), a non-profit environmental organization called Matter of Trust is turning donated hair into mats used to soak up oil spills on land, and booms (long tubes) used for spills at sea.

Our “Inseparable” award goes to Thai Elephant Mom and Baby

Because in an otherwise miserable year, even some elephants found themselves down and in need of a big little pick-me-up.

Our ”Power of Thinking Differently” award goes to Donald Trump

Although not the most mindful class act in America, you wouldn’t know it from an interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News channel, when America’s ex-big giant head of state explained that he could declassify documents just by thinking about declassifying them.  No wonder, Mr. Mindful[of himself], can bend reality just by thinking something else is or was happening. Here’s hoping he doesn’t think he would be better off without people who don’t absolutely worship his omniscient munificence.

Our “Same Bolshit, Different Day” award goes to Jair Bolsonaro

It’s déjà vu all over again as the outgoing Brazilian President Bolsonaro stokes election denial chaos in his country by refusing to acknowledge his electoral defeat.  During his election campaign he claimed the voting machines were rigged and “only God” could remove him from office.  At the risk of going to extremes, it’s almost as if, “When you are never wrong, you must be Right”

Our “Law of Supply and Demand” award goes to Donald Trump

Why does America have more lawyers per capita than any other country on the planet? Just ask Donald “I cannot tell a lie” Trump who managed to amass 30,573 false or misleading claims during his 4 presidency. That’s right, our Money, Money, Money, Money boy named Sue with a lega[l]cy of over 4000 and counting lawsuits is a firm believer in his Law of Supply and Demand. His demands are very, very, very probably the drove most if not all of his presidential decisions to supply the US Supreme Court and other US and District Courts of Appeal with 234 of his very, very, very probably favorite people.  No telling how many have already returned or will be returning that favour.

Our “There will be a Slight Delay” award goes to France

Mehran Nasseri, an Iranian refugee who lived in Charles De Gaul Airport for almost two decades, died after a heart attack at the airport. In defense of the airport, they didn’t lose his luggage (because it was stolen before he got there).

Our “TruDoh!” award goes to Justin Trudeau

Apparently the Canadian Prime Minister’s definition of a measured diplomatic response is the distance between his thumbs and Twitter (might be a North American thing). Justine thumbed his “knows” at truth and diplomacy when he broadcast his “misinterpretation” of events in Iran to the world.

Our “My Biggest Loser” award goes to Elon Musk 

Unable to extricate himself from his offer to purchase Twitter for $44 billion, Elon learns a valuable lesson: what trolls around, runs aground. 

Our “Flu the Coop” award goes to millions of Avian Flu casualties

Fearing a clucker revolt over avian flu mandates the EU and UK euthanize millions of little peckers.