Despite their high moral stance in demanding a public apology from Janet Jackson, for her part in last year’s Super Bowl half-time incident, the same network books Brittany Spears, Shania Twain, Maddona and Dolly Parton for the upcoming Super Bowl’s halftime show. Nielson ratings, and half-time commercial sales explode off of any known scale as everyone in the world gathers around the “boob” tube for the 2005 Super Bowl. In a related story, tear away football jerseys become the fashion rage in ladies sleepwear.
Too poorly funded to properly arm a serious peacekeeping mission, Paul Martin borrows from Canada’s violent reputation on the ice and arms our soldiers with hockey sticks.
A looming nursing crisis is averted when Immigration Canada announces that it will replace candy stripers with candy strippers from Eastern Europe. In a related story, the Minister of Immigration is “stripped” of her portfolio as a result of the “exposure” of several improprieties within her office.
A new federal minority rights bill is passed that orders all high level civil servants and policy makers to become both bilingual and bisexual in response to growing demands from taxpayers that they go — sexually gratify (?) themselves.
Although honored to have had so many Western electoral specialists flock over to assist them at their polling stations, on further review of the outcomes of elections in those same countries, Ukraine announces that they will actually be billing those experts for the privilege of “learning” how Ukrainian elections are conducted. Largely on the basis of money made on this enterprise Ukraine becomes an economic powerhouse on the global front.
The popularity of the 6 Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) shows currently aired during television primetime has network executives concerned that there is a shortage of cities in the USA to handle future spin-offs. In a landmark decision, America agrees to honor Kyoto if the rest of the world promises to offer up their cities when network TV runs out of CSI locations.
In an effort to improve relations with our U.S. neighbors while, at the same time, getting every “scrap” of information they can on the finances of Canadian taxpayers, Revenue Canada sets up a junk yard in West Virginia.
CIBC stock prices plummet to the point that they are removed from Toronto Stock Exchange Listings and placed on the Telemarketing No Call Listings. In a related story, Sealy Posterpedic mattress stocks skyrocket.
Not to be outdone by the owners of Canada’s national sport, the owners of Canada are talking about locking out federal politicians who, after voting themselves a 10% pay hike (on the heels of a 45% increase just 3 years earlier), also remain unchecked without a salary cap.
In response to last year’s vicious attack from behind that leaves one player (the victim) with a broken neck and another (his assailant) with slap on the wrist, the NHL adds a new penalty to their rule book, “2 months for Same Sex Coupling.
Confirming suspicions that prison doesn’t rehabilitate so much as it refines criminal behavior, a new wave of “ultra white” collar crime is hitting the streets. This “re-organized” crime wave has been tracked back to the prison where Martha Stewart Inc. is currently “serving” time. Authorities suspect that someone there is selling her cell-mates a new way of “cooking” the books. In a related story, Enron, World.Com and Nortel executives are lining up (with Conrad Black) to enroll for a brief sabbatical at the now “well appointed” prison that is being referred to by “insiders” as Martha Stewart U.
NAFTA & the World Trade Organization rule that Canada must join the American Star Wars initiative on the grounds that Canadians have already taken the 1st steps to the weaponization of space via “skyrocketing” costs associated with their Gun Registry and the maintenance of their submarines and helicopters.
That annoying tool guy dude who keeps popping up at the neighbor’s in Canadian Tire commercials edges out Don Cherry to win CBC’s latest interactive TV poll, “The Most Annoying Canadian.”