Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream Year-End Reviews 2020

“Social media followers find a novel way to lose their shit”

Congratulations,  you’re “that Guy” if you lost your shit and raced out to buy a life’s supply of toilette paper in response to the Novel Corona virus.  That’s right, we saw a real global pandemic blossom into a surreal world zombie apocalypse as herds of braindead social media “followers” were lining up everywhere to buy shitloads of bum-wad. Stupid is as stupid does when you, and the trends you have become accustomed/conditioned to following, are that full of shit.  For the record, the novel corona virus has nothing to do with your anal retentiveness (or lack thereof).  Just because you dub yourself an early adopter, you are still a follower, so if you have any self-respect whatsoever, you should at least take a good hard look at who you are following and especially how full of shit they or their claims may be.

“It’s only Fake News until Reality TV gets hurt.”

Shit gets real when the reality of a potential global pandemic finally hits America’s soft underbelly as production of the Great Race is suspended and a different great race to the bottom commences on Wall Street and other stock markets around the world.  Even America’s Reality TV Star (and Fake News Orgasmatron)-in-Chief is forced to contradict his signature fake news response to this latest issue in an attempt to make Reality TV (and his own hopes of re-election) Great Again.

My “Blowhard is as Blowhard Does” award goes to the Dodder (and his great wall).

When a gust of wind (from the American side) blows a portion of the Dodder’s new Great Wall over, it pokes holes in his argument that: 1) he is the world’s greatest real-estate developer, 2) said wall is “virtually impenetrable”, and 3) sustainable energy sources like wind are un-American.

“The French Disconnection”

There is a clear case of “do as we say not as we do” developing in France when their  government sees a worldwide pandemic of protests sparked by viral videos of police brutality and shootings as merely a symptom of a more fundamental problem. Their solution? The French will make it illegal for citizens to film police officers. Brilliant! Even before the bill is passed, there is already evidence of its potential effectiveness as there are no longer thousands in the streets protesting police brutality (because there are now tens of thousands in their streets protesting the proposed law).  Fortunately for their camera shy gendarme, the French have 1.65 million surveillance cameras in their streets to film that filthy rabble.  Screw the cake, let them eat pepper (with a whiff tear gas).

In a related story:  “Who were those masked men?”

Earlier that same month, four masked men (all of them police) are filmed forcing their way into a Parisian man’s home to beat the rabble out of said citizen for allegedly not complying with the city’s Covid-19 mask protocol.  Who were those masked men? I don’t know but they left this silver canister. Yes, that’s right, after the protecting the shit out of their public for about 3 minutes, the mysterious masked men serve him (and his soon to be outlawed film crew) a parting gift in the form of a silver canister of tear gas.

“No-one is useless, they can always be used as a bad example”

As the world attempts to improvise and overcome a global pandemic, America’s Megalomaniac-in-Chief and self-proclaimed war president remains steadfast and reluctant to change anything especially his “it’s all about me” brand of leadership by example.  It’s a good news, bad news story when he initially enjoys an approval rating of 49% with the American public (the highest of his four year presidency), alas it is common for Americans to rally to their president during times of crises, and it must gall him that, by comparison (and we know Mr. Least Racist President Except Maybe Lincoln is all about comparisons and superlatives), George Bush Jr. enjoyed a 90% approval rating after the 9/11 attacks.

“Stiff opposition to critics of the Alberta oilsands otter beware!”

Canadian scientists find that, “hydrocarbon contaminants typically associated with oilsands operations are contributing to decreased penis bone strength among river otters”.  Environmentalists hope that this might finally provide them a soft sell that won’t be so hard to get through to those Western studs.

“To kill the messenger in China, you have to double tap” 

In a scene right out of the movie Zombieland, the streets of Wuhan, a Chinese city of 11 million people, are dead as its undead are locked indoors. There are even (unsubstantiated) stories of the undead  being welded and boarded up in homes while other walkers who manage to escape to the streets fear for their undead lives at the hands of fearfully overzealous vigilantes.  One brave doctor “dies twice” trying to warn China and the world of the coming apocalypse.  Sources say this is because Chinese authorities have a “double-tap” rule to make sure the undead are really dead.  Apparently in communist China you cannot officially die until the State says you’re dead.

“Don’t blame us, blame the weatherman”

Global warming deniers and their cheerleaders at FOX news have long maintained that even if climate change was a real threat, mankind’s ingenuity will meet challenge just-in-time, because necessity is the mother of invention… right?  Wrong! More irrefutable evidence that time is running out on all of us (including those FOXy hardliners who have been arguing that global warming is a big fat hoax that is being perpetrated by socialists, scaredy cats, dumb scientists, fake news, 16 year-old Swedish girly-girls, baby eating pizza chefs and China).  This just-in-time solution from the mothers of invention in Venice was tested this year 17 years after construction of their MOSE Floodgate system began, but it turns out they still need a little MOSE time before it will be completed by the end of 2021 (at which time they are confident that there should be some hope that said system will be MOSEly successful in preventing further flooding as long as the weatherman can give them at least 48 hours notice.

“Alberta woman worms her way out of death sentence”

Surgeons discover that what was believed to be a deadly cancer tumor on her liver is instead a grapefruit-sized mass caused by the eggs of a tapeworm that had been growing in her for over a decade.

 “Ask not what I can do for your country; ask what you can do for me”

While over 300,000 Americans were dying and struggling to make ends meet; While medical experts and scientists were struggling to: 1) find a champion that could nationally endorse some fundamental public health messages; and 2) find a vaccine, The White House was struggling to have the Department of Health and Human Services find someone somewhere to front a $1/4 Billion national “ad blitz aimed at portraying U.S. President Donald Trump’s response to the coronavirus outbreak in a positive light.” Forget God and Country, Uncle Sam, and Rosie the Riveter, apparently its all about the President helping himself (while draining another $250,000,000 tax dollars from the swamp) and making nicely, tremendous, great (again) public health slogans like, “Helping the president will help the country.”  Really folks, even the voices in my head can’t make this stuff up although, apparently someone in that incredulous brain trust the president has surrounded himself with could.

“Their cheese wasn’t the only thing that had holes in it.”

Switzerland’s reputation for neutrality was shredded by reports that they were aware that a Swiss company that sold encryption devices to as many as 120 other countries over the past 50 years was secretly owned by the CIA and BND (their counterpart in German intelligence).”

“I’se the buy that buys her votes and I’se the buy that fails her”

America’s “Megalomanic-in-Chief” said he “didn’t know too much about it” when asked why he was going to be the first US president to have his name embossed on government relief cheques to the American public.  Something else America’s It’s All About Me president really doesn’t know is that, with the exception many Tech Companies (all of whom he feels don’t particularly like him), 2020 will be remembered as an “it was all bad news year”; ergo, those depths of despair must also be all about he and his mismanagement of 2020.

“America’s ‘Get Out the Lout’ campaign succeeds, against all odds.”

 After convincing some people (a minority of the 55.7% of Americans who bothered to vote) in 2016 that only he could drain the swamp, Donny “I put the Demo in” Democracy unintentionally managed (through mismanagement) to convince an undeniable (unless you are really, really intent upon denying them) majority of Americans that the only real way to positively change things was for them to get off their ass and vote (him out).  More Americans  (66.8%) would overcome the usual obstacles to voter rights and a host of new ones in order to “get out the lout.”

Related Statistic: Prior to 2020, Americans were one of the least active voting populations among developed countries, with the U.S. clocking in at 31 out of 35 developed countries in voter turnout.

“Trump predicts fact checking on social media will totally silence conservatives”

Fact checkers saw no evidence of a lie when they didn’t block America’s “Big Fat Liar, Liar Pants on Fire”-in-Chief ‘s claims the big Social Media platforms’ attempts to block harmful and unsubstantiated lies (and racist rhetoric) are aimed at totally silencing him and his followers.  Fortunately for some conservatives,  the President’s prediction is only in fact a fact if lies and racist rhetoric are the only things conservatives are spewing.

“Sputnik V wins another specious race”

No Summer Olympic Year would be complete without some kind of Russian intrigue surrounding drug testing. Although they were banned from participating in this year’s Olympic Games (due to their corrupt drug testing protocol) which were then themselves postponed due to Covid-19 pandemic, Russia announced they have won the race by developing the gold standard for Covid-19 vaccines. Despite: 1) test results that appear to ratchet up and eclipse the results reported by competing vaccines (shortly after those other results are announced); and 2) boasting the lowest price ($20 per dose) on the market, no other countries were Russian to purchase their vaccine.  That’s right, once again, the standard Russian approach to competition has led to world-wide skepticism.

Related Story:  While on the subject of Russian competition, drugs, world-wide skepticism, the world (and Alexei Navalny) suspects that the Russians have also developed a vaccine against political opposition.

“It’s my way or I’ll hold my breath ‘til I turn Boom!”

Latest North Korean temper tantrum blows up into the mutual destruction of a building in North Korea.

“Look we are not racist thugs, we’re an equal opportunity goon squad.”

Buffalo police push their age old, “Nothing to see here folks, move along!” cliche by pushing a (violent?) old age pensioner down and splitting his head open. America’s Conspiracy Theorist-in-Chief plays the “kamikaze geriatric protestor conspiracy” card when he claims that the 75-year-old has only himself to blame because it looks like he fell harder than he was pushed.

“Double-crossing dame’s doubly damning diagnosis divulged”

Although merely stating the obvious, could a book by the Dodder’s niece, who is also a clinical psychologist, be unethical on the grounds that she is publicly outing some of the Dodder’s many psychological disorders.  Maybe, but at best it could be argued that a psychiatrist is ethically bound to report anyone who they judge to be a danger to themselves or the public at large; and at worst, a lack of ethics might be a family trait. Speaking of disorders in the court, his attempts to counter-Dis his niece with a court order to prevent publication failed, but he would go on to sow even more disorder in the courts via countless frivolous and unfounded lawsuits railing election fraud wherever his re-election hopes went off the rails.

“Fairy tales can come true, even if you’re not young at heart”

This old German risks exposing more than his laptop by adding some old wrinkles to an even older fairy tale.  He huffed and he puffed until he caught those three little pigs.

“Divine Right of Kings trumps impeachment proceedings” 

The Dodder dodges impeachment when the Republican majority in the US Senate confirms the his belief that anything that does not serve his interests is not in the public’s interest. His defense attorney convinces them that, “If a president does something which he believes will help him get elected, in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment.“

“Dangerous meltdown between nuclear powers turns medieval” 

In anticipation of the fact that cooler heads don’t always prevail the world’s two most populous countries elect to arm their border patrols with medieval weapons. Some but not everyone dies when push comes to shove.

“He said, she said, they said, nuff said”

Weeks after America’s Despot-in-Chief tweets that she was another one of his “wonderful lawyers and representatives”, the duplicitous dopes driving Donny Despot’s demonocratic debacle distanced themselves from her unbelievable claims of voter-fraud (apparently even more unbelievable than their own tsunami of other unsubstantiated claims that have already been thrown out of courts all over the USA), and claimed that, “She is not a member of the Trump legal team. She is also not a lawyer for the president in his personal capacity.” Unfortunately for their Decepticon-in-Chief’s dream of a second term, the courts believe all their claims to be unbelievable.