Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream 2019 Year-End Reviews
“One medium (Ms.)step for womankind”
Yes, last year’s super bowl of giant steps for womankind was scuttled by a wardrobe malfunction. When planning their first ever all-female spacewalk, the galactic geeks running NASA, although well versed in math, quantum physics and string theory, failed to account for an unwritten law of ladies’ fashion. One of the women was a late scratch due only to the fact that two women could not go out wearing the same outfit. Oh well, live and learn… if nothing else, now they will understand where Shania Twain is coming from when she sings, “Okay, so you’re a rocket scientist, that don’t impress me much.”
“The (bottom) line on sand has been drawn, and people are dying”
Next to water, sand is the 2nd he most consumed natural resource on the planet. A South African entrepreneur, two Indian villagers, and a Mexican environmental activist were only a few examples of persons murdered for crossing the line on sand. Supply and demand is such that Dubai, a city that sits on the edge of a massive desert, has to import sand from Australia even as “China has likely used more sand this decade than the United States did in the entire 20th Century.”
“No Shit?! No wonder American scientists all flush with pride”
Researchers at Penn State University say they have created an ultra-slippery toilet coating that prevents shit from sticking to the bowl. If their claim that “the fresh water used to flush the world’s toilets each day is six times Africa’s total consumption” is also no shit, their discovery could “save vast quantities of water around the world.”
“I’m not a baby… wait a minute why can’t island this deal? Wah!”
“California’s Terminator is real”
“Talabama, USA”
Alabama passed the strictest abortion law in the America, in a year that would see countless other conservative states racing to pass anti-abortion laws that were only moderately less restrictive.
Quote from the Archives: “The world holds two classes of men—intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence.” — Abu’l-Ala-Al-Ma’arri (Syrian philosopher/poet, 973-1057)
Ironically, the beliefs of one of the greatest minds of the golden age of Islam was at loggerheads with the religious fanatics of today who will kill anyone (including themselves) in their attempts to return to that golden age.
“There was no Bikini At’oll… but she sure could cook”
“Nothing to see here folks, move along”
It would be more than a no holds barred match when the world’s most notorious rivalry spills over into the world’s most popular game. A hard fought soccer match between North and South Korea was played(?) in an empty North Korean stadium to no fans, no journalists, and no score.
In a related story: America’s Dear Leader is booed on World (Series) Stage
The Dodder is booed and berated with chants of “Lock Him Up” when his attendance is announced at game 5 of the World Series. He and his posse still manage to manufacture fake smiles secure in the knowledge that they will be able to write this off as just one more example of fake boos. Asked why he opted to break tradition by not throwing out the first pitch, he said, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.”
“A battery of Silicon Valley lawsuits spring from a technicality”
“Look! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s bumper stars”
Space X launches 120 satellites that are designed to enhance our internet access. These represent the initial phases of a planned mega-constellation of 12,000 Starlink satellites that is expected to be completed over the next few years. Add another 3200 satellites that Amazon plans to launch into orbit for essentially the same reason and things may be looking up for internet users. Although they are running into flak from stargazers everywhere, this reporter believes there are (and now will be astronomically more) naval gazers with access to more screen-time everywhere so who will have time to look up anymore. As the year draws to a close, a Japanese company is betting lots will look up when it launches a satellite designed to release enhanced firework displays from space.
“Another environmental Catch 22 that probably won’t leave anyone (breathing easier)”
In a breathtaking news release, British scientists announce that asthma inhalers are contributing to global warming and the further depletion of our ozone layer. To add context (if not fuel) to our latest environmental chicken/egg dilemma, the annual CO2 produced by one person’s inhaler can be as much as 400kg, which is roughly the equivalent of 20% of what you or I produce annually when we drive our car 18,000 km (or that which is produced over the lifetime of 20 chickens or 1470 eggs).
“Now that screwing around at the office is OK, you better not F#!@ with our pensions”
“Electrifying Development in US/China Trade War”
As other tech companies scramble to move production out of China in order to avoid US trade tariffs, Tesla’s Model 3 electric cars start rolling off it’s Chinese assembly line. Apparently Elon is betting that in the years to come there will be more Chinese than Americans who can afford his $50,000 cars. So far, only Tesla employees at his Shanghai plant have purchased any of the vehicles.
“Canadian marijuana windfall did not go up in nearly enough (of the right kind of) smoke”
