Predictions for the Year 2019
That invisible cabal of brilliant global warming naysayers and their ingeniously ingenuous leader claim that last year’s good news that the earth’s ozone layer is recovering only proves that it wasn’t such a big deal and that even stupid liberal scientists can get lucky sometimes. One unnamed genius tweets he could have done it better by constructing a really high wall that would have created lots and lots of jobs while saving the chemical industry fantastic amounts of money.
As the Huawei affair develops into a full-on trade war, Canada forces China to eat its words when they stop trading life giving food for the privilege of buying mind numbing junk.
Apple launches a new inflatable iPhone with the promise that the new design will eliminate the middle-drone while, at the same time, allowing swimmers to avoid the threat of iPhone theft (and binky separation syndrome) while they are in the water.
Riding the success of their Special Olympics venue (and an inability to find any city on the planet that is willing to host the next Olympics) the IOC announces that all future Olympic games will be rebranded the Homeless Olympic Games. Suddenly, no longer needing to foot the additional costs of disappearing their homeless folk from the world stage, cities the world over determine that the costs are now within reach of their tax-payers.
When the IOC announces that, in the spirit of their new brand, only homeless athletes can participate, governments everywhere sink funds into feeding their homeless and weaning them off of opioids in order to avoid disqualification. Experts expect this to be the first games to be free of any drug scandals given that, unlike their spoiled upper middle-class predecessors, tomorrows athletes won’t be able to afford designer drugs or crooked trainers.
The American government’s habit of dumping drums of toxic waste into the North Atlantic Ocean prior to 1983 comes back to haunt us when a school of Codzillas lay “waste” to all the towns and cities along the eastern seaboard of Canada and the United States.
The Dodder finally gets to construct an affordable wall along his Mexican border by using the endless supply of cheap tell-all books that have been published by all of his one-time cronies and confidents. He then uses what is left over to build a bunker to protect himself from a new wave of books that various state and federal authorities are commencing to throw at him.
The National Football League orders defensive football players to replace their usual footwear with frogman flippers in order to further protect quarterbacks while, at the same time, generating more offense, more offensive records and more magical moments that football aficionados will find, well… just plain offensive.
